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Report: Drywall Repair Still Cheaper Than Therapy

CALDWELL, N.J. — A new report released by the Economic Wellness Consortium confirms that drywall repair remains a significantly cheaper option than paying for even a single therapy session.

“As stress rises during these trying economic times, Americans will need an outlet. Our latest study suggests that punching something that is both cheap to fix and won’t lead to prison time or lawsuits is a very viable option,” said Jada Fernandez, the report’s co-author. “Our legal team also told me to note that the authors of the study make no judgments on whether this is a good idea or not. We’re simply saying it is more cost-effective to channel your tension into extreme violence, and that sheetrock is not litigious.”

Ronald Thompson, a local gym teacher, is a long-time proponent of this approach.

“I don’t need some fancy study to tell me this. I grew up blasting holes in walls with nothing but my fists. My ma always used to tell me to cut it out, but look at me now! Those brainiacs are saying I was a genius all along,” shouted Thompson as he continued to amp himself up. “I mean, it makes sense if you just do the math. At about $3 per square foot, I could be pounding gaps in plaster all day for the price of an hour with some bozo. They say the best things in life are free, which is why I always told my ex-wife that paying to ‘control my anger’ sounds pretty fucking dumb.”

Wayne Copeland, a Home Depot employee, is very aware of the academic attention that drywall is currently receiving.

“Hey, look, I get it. Therapy is hard to afford on your average salary. But to be clear, the $150 a session I pay my therapist is totally worth it. You can’t imagine how stressful this job is,” bemoaned Copeland, pointing towards the building materials aisle. “When you consider all of the angry, wall-punching assholes I have to deal with on a daily basis, I see therapy as a necessity for my mental health. There are so many psychos out there, and I know firsthand. I’ve got to talk to someone about it.”

At press time, Fernandez was considering studying the emotional impact of screaming into a pillow.