LOS SAINTS Release Music Video for latest single “Doctor”

LOS Saints have released a new music video for their latest single “Doctor” ahead of their upcoming debut full-length, ‘Certified,’ out July 26.

The San Diego-based alternative rockers will be bringing their debut out for release on July 26 via ENCI Records.

LOS Saints release video for new single

Discussing the latest single “Doctor” via a press release, guitarist/vocalist Angel Mariscal noted: “I made this song a long time ago. I don’t remember exactly when, but i want to say I was still in high school. For me, 2017 was my hell year, in terms of mental health. So if I had to give this song a time frame, I’d put it around that time.

“I have really bad memory but, this song puts me in a bad trip because, I’d say it’s my most expressive song, all around. It’s not necessarily dark but, it’s dark, for me at least. The concept is pretty much just self analysis I guess. The guitar, bass, tambo, and the stuff and harmony vox are all original.

“After just right before the 2 minute mark is where I added more elements to the song that I felt would allow you fall deeper into the darkness of the song, which Carl Bahner brought it all out from that marl all the way to the end in an amazing way, i.e. those low vocals in the outro, when I heard those for the first time, I got shivers man.”

Read More: MEST Releasing NEW Album ‘Youth’ On June 21

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

 

“King of the Hill” Characters Ranked by their Likelihood of Starting a Dark Ambient YouTube Channel

“King of the Hill” is the greatest animated sitcom not invented by Matt Groening, and even when we take that little show into consideration, it’s pretty close. It’s also a surprisingly musical show, with quite a few major and minor characters either performing or having hard opinions about various genres and artists.

But while different episodes are devoted to exploring the merits of classical, rock & roll, country, bubblegum pop, hip-hop, nu-metal, coffeehouse folk, and bluegrass, the show is surprisingly coy about which characters, in the social media era, would start a YouTube channel to share their 20-minute psychedelic dark ambient synth compositions with the world. So we are left to sort it out for ourselves…

30. Boomhauer

Dark ambient is inherently stoner-friendly music, and Boomhauer is not only a Texas Ranger, he’s a lot less chill than you would think. As far as he’s concerned, having a dark ambient YouTube channel is probable cause for a search warrant. Governor Abbott publicly supports him on this stance.

29. Hank Hill

Believe it or not, Hank actually does have a YouTube channel, boasting 50-something subscribers, and he does play music on it. However, Hank is firmly on record saying that good music consists of “two-minute stories about falling in love or burning down Georgia,” which is about as far from dark ambient as you can get. Since most of his love songs are about propane, not Peggy, he does his best to keep the channel on the down low.

28. Joe Jack

Despite his stint with the Propaniacs, Joe Jack just isn’t all that interested in performing, and any time his Spotify algorithm tries to play something chill and ambient, he just says “This music is makin’ me feel kinda sad, honey.”

27. Chane Wassanasong

Chane definitely has a YouTube channel, but it’s mostly pick-up artist tips that would make Andrew Tate cringe. He’ll pivot to music at some point, but if you think it’s going to be anything other than over-produced bro-country, you’re deluding yourself. And we do mean over-produced. His dad is the richest guy in Arlen, and will spare no expense for Chane to turn himself into a Laotian version of Jason Aldean.

26. Lane Pratley

Arlen’s least scrupulous businessman (and man, that is some stiff competition) might consider dabbling in SUPER-dark ambient synth if only to help his own father give up on life so he can finally get his hands on Pratley Cadillac. The old man just keeps holding on, and Pratley Ford/Hyundai ain’t cutting it these days. But Lane’s more of a Travis Tritt guy, and the idea of buying a synthesizer makes him question his masculinity, so no.

25. John Redcorn

John Redcorn has three interests: Native land rights, middle-aged married women with fake migraines, and late-’80s butt rock. He sometimes tells his massage clients that the chill Native-instrument-inflected music he plays during sessions is actually his own work, but it’s not, and no one believes him anyway.

24. Jimmy Wichard

He gave it a shot, but producing dark ambient requires the patience to hear the same droning sound for hours on end, and every time he made a mistake he’d shout “Stupid keyboard, you’re not the boss, I’m the boss!” into a hot mic. He doesn’t understand multitracking software well enough to know he could just mute that part, so he gave up and tried to sell his keyboard for scrap.

23. Cotton Hill

Is it the Andrews Sisters? No? Then go fuck yourself.

22. Debbie Grund

Again, making dark ambient takes patience, and while Debbie has that going for her—she was willing to lie in wait for Buck and Liz Strickland in a dumpster, of all things—she also managed to accidentally shoot herself with her own weapon because she wouldn’t put down her gas station nachos for a second while climbing into said dumpster, character traits that suggest more of an inclination toward Pantera fandom.

21. Buck Strickland

The man has more depth than you might imagine. It’s not all eating, humping, DUIs, and making Hank run the propane shop. When he’s at his lowest, he’s been known to break out his vintage Moog and make some of the most haunting sounds you’ve ever heard, but he’s also been banned from YouTube for reasons that are too gross to get into, so he’s really got no way of getting his music heard. A poker buddy suggested he try Bandcamp and he just rolled his eyes and re-raised on the flop.

20. Randy Miller

He has a keyboard, and his patent lawyer father can certainly afford to get him an effects processor or two, but he learned the hard way that playing “Hot Cross Buns” and “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with a moderate amount of reverb is not going to win over dark ambient fans. And once he learned about the whole stoner-adjacent thing, he almost had a panic attack.

19. Stuart Dooley

After a long day of apathetic bullying and occasionally getting spanked by Peggy Hill, Dooley has been known to dabble in dark ambient home recordings, but whenever potential subscribers check out his comment history, they run for the hills. He really needs to create a second account for his music, but that’s way too much effort.

18. Joseph Gribble

Joseph suspects that playing any kind of music at all might get him closer to touching a boob, and he has access to Dale’s keyboard rig, but there’s something about droning chords with shit-tons of delay that makes him so horny he’s never been able to get more than 90 seconds into a recording without running upstairs to grab the binoculars and try to get a glimpse of Luanne.

17. Nancy Hicks Gribble

She has hours worth of material archived that she made to score her, ahem, sessions with John Redcorn, but a clause in her contract as the local weather lady forbids her from having any other media presence, even a homemade YouTube channel that doesn’t even feature her likeness. At least once a day, she considers saying “to hell with it” and breaking her contract, but someone’s got to pay the bills, and it’s sure not gonna be Dale.

16. Enrique

When he and Yolanda went through a rough patch, Enrique found solace in reverb-drenched soundscapes, and even started building a YouTube channel called Enrique’s Ethereal Emotions, but as soon as Yolanda took him back, he abandoned it entirely. The single track that he uploaded currently has 11 views and 2 likes.

Audiophiles and Cinephiles Compete for Title of Worst -phile

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — A group of audiophiles and cinephiles met this week to compete against each other for the title of worst -phile, confirmed sources who didn’t know why.

“It’s got to be me,” said insufferable audiophile Alex Tate while listening to the “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” record for the eighth time today. “When my friends listen to music on Spotify, I tell them that they might as well be piping fart sounds into their ears. They just want to enjoy their tunes, but I just can’t help myself and have to tell them about the warmness of vinyl and the exact right speakers. Can humans even detect the difference? No, not really. Only dogs can. But hey, I just can’t help myself. Music was meant to be heard from a six-foot gramophone that you have to manually crank. Turns out, people hate it when you say that.”

Although the audiophiles made excellent points, the cinephiles were not to be outdone, responding after a screening of “8 ½.”

“I’d much rather hang out with an audiophile than me,” said pretentious cinephile Donald Corleone. “You can’t say two words without me telling you how they relate to a movie. See an actor in a show? I’ll tell you all the bit parts he played in movies. It’s the only way I know how to relate to people. Hell, once a friend of mine recommended ‘Bullet Train’ to me, and I spent two hours explaining that film should be impactful and emotional, and if you enjoy it, you’re doing it wrong. The amount of people I’ve recommended ‘Come and See’ to alone should put me over the top for the worst -phile.”

Surprisingly, a third -phile group threw their hat in the ring to attack both groups.

“At least when I have to go door to door to tell people I’m a registered sex offender I don’t fuck with people’s enjoyment of Apple Music or ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop,’” said local NAMBLA chapter head Desmond Yike. “Sure, what I do is inarguably reprehensible and illegal, but I’m not constantly blasting Rush in my listening room. I think society would agree that we are much more tolerable than people who pay money to subscribe to the Criterion collection.”

At press time, the three groups of -philes all agreed that the world would be better off if they didn’t share their interests with anyone anymore.

Feminist Ally? This Man Wants a Woman To Beat Him Up

Meet Kevin Buchanan, a self-identifying feminist ally who also holds the record for the most hours that someone has ever spent watching Tik Toks of “muscle mommies”.

“I have nothing but respect for strong women,” said Buchanan proudly. “I always make sure I lead with that whenever I slide into random women’s DMs and ask them to pick me up by the ankles and shake me like a cartoon mafia hitman…I’m sorry, I mean hit-woman.”

Buchanan does not mince words when acknowledging his gender’s culpability in maintaining a status quo that is unfair to women.

“If you ask me, we as men have been naughty. Very naughty. Someone ought to come teach us a lesson and give me, I mean us, a spanking while talking down to us like the filthy, pathetic little worms we are. And step on me.”

We also spoke with Nadia Alvarez, a fitness enthusiast who frequently interacts with Buchanan at the gym.

“On a good day, Kevin is on the right path to figuring out what feminism is about. But I feel like his weird fetish gets in the way of that,” explained Alvarez. “He’ll see me at the squat rack, and he’ll come over to chat. He usually starts off with something well-intended, like ‘Whoa, one-fifty? What a girlboss!’ But then the conversation somehow always ends with him asking me to pick him up and spin him over my head like a pizza while saying ‘mama mia!’ in a lusty Italian accent.”

Recently, Buchanan has taken his work as an activist a step further by writing strongly worded letters to elected officials regarding women’s rights.

“It’s certainly possible for men to be great allies to women. And we have to hand it to Mr. Buchanan, it was one of the most passionate letters we’ve received,” stated Senator Phyllis Steele. “But he scrawled something near the bottom about how women should also have the right to ‘dress him up as a piñata and hit him with a stick’, and then followed it with ‘lol, just kidding…unless?’ He also included a drawing, so that was…something.”

Kevin is currently in the process of getting ready for upcoming women’s rights protests. He’s been preparing a protest sign that says “Step On The Patriarchy! (Me, I’m The Patriarchy!)”

Sarah And The Safe Word Announce Summer Tour

Atlanta Cabaret Punk band Sarah And The Safe Word has announced that they will be heading out on a summer tour.

The band are heading out with The Weekend Run Club + Machinery of the Human Heart. The tour kicks off on June 26 in Washington, DC and winds down on July 7 in Denver, CO. See dates below. Tickets are available from linktr.ee/sarahandthesafeword.

The 4-piece released their latest single “Pornstar Martini” back in April on Take This To Heart Records, and their latest LP is 2023’s ‘The Book Of Broken Glass.’

Read More: BITE THE HAND sign with Wiretap Records, prepare new album

Sarah and the Safe Word: Summer Tour 2024

Here are the dates that SATSW will be heading out on tour:

  • 6/26 – Washington, DC – DC9
  • 6/27 – Millersville, PA – Phantom Power
  • 6/28 – Brooklyn, NY – Wood Shop
  • 6/29 – Buffalo, NY – Mohawk Place
  • 6/30 – Detroit, MI – PJ’s Lager House
  • 7/2 – Burnsville, MN – The Garage
  • 7/3 – Chicago, IL – Beat Kitchen
  • 7/7 – Denver, CO – Punk Rock Saves Lives Fest (Ratio Beer Works)

Read More: MEST Releasing NEW Album ‘Youth’ On June 21

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

Health Kick Lasts Record-Breaking Two Meals In A Row

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Seth Beaudreault achieved the longest health kick of any American trying to eat better, breaking the world record with an incredible two healthy meals in a row, astonished sources confirmed.

“Every time I try to eat healthier I usually eat one good meal and then ‘reward’ myself by eating one or two sleeves of Oreos,” said Beaudreault proudly posing for his official Guinness Book of World Records photo. “But this time around I crushed it, I ate two whole meals with something green in them. I even managed to sneak in a healthy grain and I didn’t eat a Family Sized bag of Skittles in between meals. I’ve never felt more refreshed, and I kind of wish everyone else could experience it It’s kind of like being reborn, as if I’ve reached Nirvana and can finally fit into my ‘skinny’ jeans. I’m probably gonna celebrate this win with literally anything from the Arby’s menu. Wash it down with an ice cold chocolate milkshake. Diet starts Monday and only God can judge me.”

Beaudreault ’s pediatrician, Jill Weathers, has been trying to drop him off her patient roster for over a decade without luck.

“Seth has been coming to my office for 12 years now, and he refuses to see a doctor for adults due to trust issues and the lack of fun bandaids,” said Weathers wearily. “However, I’m delighted to hear that he has been eating healthy. I’ve only known him to survive on things like Top Ramen and Taco Bell, so this is truly a feat. Especially after they introduced that new Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme. I’ve been worried about his digestive health, so this development gives me hope that Seth will want to make a lasting lifestyle change. Two days in a row is an eternity for a man like Seth—you know, the kind of guy that thinks Panera Bread is the epitome of clean eating.”

Tiktok-famous nutritionist Ben “Ate and Left No Crumbs” Triste says he’s worried that Beaudreault ’s world record may be encouraging others to jump on fad diets.

“This ‘health kick’ is really concerning to me when we’re already watching every celebrity and their grandma get on Ozempic—that commercial jingle will haunt me into eternity,” said Triste as his eyes rolled back into his head. “I mean good for this Seth guy, but honestly I can’t take another health-related fad. Gwyneth has given us enough yoni realness and insane wellness advice for two lifetimes, we don’t need to add a two-day health kick to the mix. When people make real life changes like cooking more, consuming less sugar, and drinking more than one glass of water a day, that’s when they see a real change. But I mean, go off, king! Eat! Literally.”

At press time, Beaudreault says he might hold off on attempting another health kick until next month, or until someone invents churro-flavored vegetables.

Ted Cruz Uses Frequent Fleeing Texas Storm Miles to Upgrade Flight to Cancún

CANCÚN, Mexico — Junior Texas Senator Ted Cruz used a small portion of his Frequent Fleeing Texas Storm Miles reward points to upgrade from business class to first class on a family trip to Cancún as a tropical storm approaches his state, confirmed airline records.

“These points don’t last forever. I need to use them before they expire 2035,” said the PornHub enthusiast. “I planned this trip months ago, I had no idea a tropical storm would be approaching while I packed, then had my groundskeeper nail plywood over the windows. And I’m taking this trip to serve the American people to get a firsthand look at how these airlines treat their customers. I want to see which wines they serve in first class, and whether or not they will allow my private chef to prepare my in-flight meal for me. The people of Texas are resilient, and I’ll be back in two weeks to help pick up the pieces of any affluent community that needs a helping hand.”

Veteran flight attendant Omar Holland says he wasn’t surprised to see the senator on another flight to the vacation destination.

“Senator Cruz is a frequent guest on these flights. If a ten-day forecast shows temperatures dipping below 55 degrees or a storm with winds higher than 35 miles per hour then you can almost guarantee he’s heading south,” said Holland. “The flight crew can’t stand him, he will make you watch videos of him firing guns for ten minutes at a time. And when you try to say ‘Sir, I have other people I need to check out’ he starts talking about how ‘wokeness is ruining the airline industry.’ We all draw straws and hope we don’t get stuck in first class with him.”

United Airlines representatives were quick to acknowledge the support of Cruz and his family.

“We appreciate the support the Cruz family gives us every time a storm approaches the state of Texas. And thanks to naturally occurring climate cycles, which are not affected by carbon emissions from commercial jets in any way, Texas is seeing more and more superstorms that motivate Senator Cruz to take a relaxing trip to the beach,” said customer service agent Lincoln Menat. “We look forward to welcoming more politicians trying to avoid weather disasters on our flights. Mr. Cruz has almost accrued enough miles to upgrade to platinum status, which would allow him to upgrade a companion to first class as well. Some restrictions apply, the companion must also be a politician that is willing to meet with lobbyists from the airline industry.”

At press time, Senator Cruz was overheard lamenting the amount of Mexicans he’s being forced to interact with while in Mexico.

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Justin Timberlake Writes Entire Album About How Long Island Iced Tea Is a Lying Whore

SAG HARBOR, NY — Justin Timberlake announced his next album will be about how the popular alcoholic beverage Long Island Iced Tea is a lying whore in response to is DUI arrest earlier this week, sources confirmed.

“Long Island Iced Tea is not ‘Everything I Thought It Was.’ Did you get that? That’s the album title, and it’s going to revolutionize the music industry and really change your perception of this ‘innocent’ little drink,” Timberlake said while repeatedly refreshing his email for notes from his publicist and from his lawyer. “I thought it was just regular iced tea. I mean, little Miss Americana. I should have known she’d be a deceptive bitch, and if she gives a statement, ignore it. None of this DUI shit is my fault. I should have never left *NSYNC.”

The Long Island Iced Tea provided her side of the story.

“Honestly, Timberlake is lucky that I can give him relevancy. Who remembers any music he’s released since ‘20/20’ in 2013 besides that stupid fucking song from ‘Trolls.’ Not my fault he couldn’t stop the feeling. He’s a piece of shit and he shouldn’t be forgiven for defaming me,” said Miss Tea, who was then promptly slaughtered by the media for ruining his reputation and placed into a conservatorship which was removed only after a Hulu documentary probing into her psyche.

Timberlake’s manager, who wished to remain unnamed, reflected on previous controversies.

“I mean, it used to be so easy. Who cares that he ruined Britney and Janet’s careers? Listen to that falsetto, and the man can move,” said the long-time talent manager. “That should honestly acquit him of everything, including this DUI. Let’s go back to the days when musicians got away with small crimes like this. We can’t crucify the guy for driving drunk on Long Island, hell, 99% of people on Long Island are drving drunk as we speak. This is Mr. SexyBack we’re talking about, and we need to cut him a break.”

At press time, Timberlake was found cornering the Long Island Iced Tea attempting to force her to remake a photo of them wearing Canadian tuxedos while telling her that the AAVE he used in the early 2000s was misinterpreted, and that the abortion was just a light suggestion.

Man With Nothing Going on Forces Self to Wait 10 Excruciating Minutes Before RSVPing to Party

NEW YORK — Local 36-year-old loser Ryan Buttermyer reportedly maintained a heroic ten-minute wait period before confirming he’d be at a party, despite having absolutely nothing happening in his sad little life otherwise, sources confirmed amid cringes.

“I knew I’d come off as too eager if I responded right away, so I decided to buckle down, keep my cool, and wait until my Hungry-Man Dinner was finished microwaving before popping off a ‘I’ll be there with bells on!’” said the almost impressively lame Buttermyer, not realizing how desperate that still sounds. “I mean, as I was watching the clock tick down those ten minutes, I could just picture them probably thinking ‘Is Ryan even coming? Do we have his correct contact information?’ But, that’s what you gotta do if you want to seem cool. Oh, speaking of, I should ask if I should bring some jigsaw puzzles. Imagine me strolling in with an armful of 500-piece ‘Covered Bridges of the American South’ fashionably late at four minutes past the start time!”

Buttermyer’s coworker, whose birthday is the celebration in question, confirmed that the invitation was one of pity.

“I mean, he was still the first one to say he was attending by a mile. No question about it. In fact, I don’t think any of my ‘actually’ cool friends will take the time to RSVP at all, because they have other things in their lives that need their attention,” said party-thrower Denise Coulier, a begrudging acquaintance of Buttermyer. “Honestly, we only invited Ryan because he cleans up everyone’s dishes as the night goes on, since nobody’s ever really talking to him for more than a few seconds. The trick is getting him to leave at the end of the night, though. Last time my partner and I straight up pretended to fall asleep and we still had to suffer through his tuck-ins and lullabies for another 40 minutes. Ugh, on second thought, maybe we should cancel and reschedule when we know he’s out of town…but when is that guy EVER out of town?”

Leading social therapist Dr. Yeoman Frey says that Buttermyer is not alone in his inability to play it cool.

“In many ways, it could be compared to sexual ‘edging’ where the loser or outcast in question pushes themselves to the brink of sanity trying to play off that they aren’t over the moon excited to be included in any social function once invited,” said Dr. Frey, who was clearly speaking from experience, judging by his empty wall calendar. “Actually I could show you a real-life example if you knew of anything going on right now…do you? Not that I don’t have anything better to do with my time, of course, but, if you did know of anything I could check my schedule… move some stuff around. No? Yeah, no, I have literally no wiggle room in my night tonight anyway, yeah. Maybe some other evening though?”

At press time, Buttermyer was seen to already be scouting out his parking location for next week’s gathering out of sheer boredom.

Lemon Law? I Just Bought a Used Car With a Powerman 5000 Album Stuck in the CD Player

Hand to god, this thing was a steal. At least I thought it was.

2001 Pontiac Aztek GT. 40k miles. One owner. Spotless Carfax report. A clean machine, my friends. Even had the original floor mats. And ran like a ferret when I test-drove her. But that’s also when things got weird.

As I whipped around the 5 Below parking lot, the seller was super anxious, all shifty-eyed in the passenger seat and whatnot. When I reached for the stereo to play some tunes, he swatted my hand away like I was trying to get to second base. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but this dude couldn’t make the sale fast enough. The car wasn’t even in park before he barrel rolled out the door with my $15k. And that’s when shit really went south.

When I sped off and finally cranked up that sweet Blaupunkt sound system, that band Powerman 5000 blasted from the speakers without warning. Last time I heard these guys was when my shithead brother would watch that reality show for fake wrestling, “Tough Enough.” I get why this music would make you want to smash someone with a chair. I hit eject, but the CD wouldn’t budge. I shut off the car, but the song kept playing. It wasn’t even a full album; it was the CD single of “When Worlds Collide.” Stuck in my stereo. On repeat. At full volume.

The owner must want his PM5K CD back, I thought. But when I called his number, it was already unlisted.

I panicked. Maybe cried a little. There had to be some recourse, other than driving into a wall. I contacted the Better Business Bureau about lemon law violations. They sympathized but said there are no protections for a car 20 years past warranty with an aftermarket stereo that’s been possessed by electroclash cyberfunkmetal.

Desperate, I hired a personal injury lawyer because now I was in pain, so much pain. I wasn’t entitled to any compensation, but he did get the judge to issue a restraining order against the vehicle. So now the Powerman 5000 CD, and unfortunately the Aztek, can’t come within 100 yards of me. The legal fees cost more than the car, but hey, problem solved!

Last I heard, the vehicle was donated to Kars4Kids. Oh great. Now I have that fucking song stuck in my head.