Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ted Cruz Uses Frequent Fleeing Texas Storm Miles to Upgrade Flight to Cancún

CANCÚN, Mexico — Junior Texas Senator Ted Cruz used a small portion of his Frequent Fleeing Texas Storm Miles reward points to upgrade from business class to first class on a family trip to Cancún as a tropical storm approaches his state, confirmed airline records.

“These points don’t last forever. I need to use them before they expire 2035,” said the PornHub enthusiast. “I planned this trip months ago, I had no idea a tropical storm would be approaching while I packed, then had my groundskeeper nail plywood over the windows. And I’m taking this trip to serve the American people to get a firsthand look at how these airlines treat their customers. I want to see which wines they serve in first class, and whether or not they will allow my private chef to prepare my in-flight meal for me. The people of Texas are resilient, and I’ll be back in two weeks to help pick up the pieces of any affluent community that needs a helping hand.”

Veteran flight attendant Omar Holland says he wasn’t surprised to see the senator on another flight to the vacation destination.

“Senator Cruz is a frequent guest on these flights. If a ten-day forecast shows temperatures dipping below 55 degrees or a storm with winds higher than 35 miles per hour then you can almost guarantee he’s heading south,” said Holland. “The flight crew can’t stand him, he will make you watch videos of him firing guns for ten minutes at a time. And when you try to say ‘Sir, I have other people I need to check out’ he starts talking about how ‘wokeness is ruining the airline industry.’ We all draw straws and hope we don’t get stuck in first class with him.”

United Airlines representatives were quick to acknowledge the support of Cruz and his family.

“We appreciate the support the Cruz family gives us every time a storm approaches the state of Texas. And thanks to naturally occurring climate cycles, which are not affected by carbon emissions from commercial jets in any way, Texas is seeing more and more superstorms that motivate Senator Cruz to take a relaxing trip to the beach,” said customer service agent Lincoln Menat. “We look forward to welcoming more politicians trying to avoid weather disasters on our flights. Mr. Cruz has almost accrued enough miles to upgrade to platinum status, which would allow him to upgrade a companion to first class as well. Some restrictions apply, the companion must also be a politician that is willing to meet with lobbyists from the airline industry.”

At press time, Senator Cruz was overheard lamenting the amount of Mexicans he’s being forced to interact with while in Mexico.

Photo by