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Feminist Ally? This Man Wants a Woman To Beat Him Up

Meet Kevin Buchanan, a self-identifying feminist ally who also holds the record for the most hours that someone has ever spent watching Tik Toks of “muscle mommies”.

“I have nothing but respect for strong women,” said Buchanan proudly. “I always make sure I lead with that whenever I slide into random women’s DMs and ask them to pick me up by the ankles and shake me like a cartoon mafia hitman…I’m sorry, I mean hit-woman.”

Buchanan does not mince words when acknowledging his gender’s culpability in maintaining a status quo that is unfair to women.

“If you ask me, we as men have been naughty. Very naughty. Someone ought to come teach us a lesson and give me, I mean us, a spanking while talking down to us like the filthy, pathetic little worms we are. And step on me.”

We also spoke with Nadia Alvarez, a fitness enthusiast who frequently interacts with Buchanan at the gym.

“On a good day, Kevin is on the right path to figuring out what feminism is about. But I feel like his weird fetish gets in the way of that,” explained Alvarez. “He’ll see me at the squat rack, and he’ll come over to chat. He usually starts off with something well-intended, like ‘Whoa, one-fifty? What a girlboss!’ But then the conversation somehow always ends with him asking me to pick him up and spin him over my head like a pizza while saying ‘mama mia!’ in a lusty Italian accent.”

Recently, Buchanan has taken his work as an activist a step further by writing strongly worded letters to elected officials regarding women’s rights.

“It’s certainly possible for men to be great allies to women. And we have to hand it to Mr. Buchanan, it was one of the most passionate letters we’ve received,” stated Senator Phyllis Steele. “But he scrawled something near the bottom about how women should also have the right to ‘dress him up as a piñata and hit him with a stick’, and then followed it with ‘lol, just kidding…unless?’ He also included a drawing, so that was…something.”

Kevin is currently in the process of getting ready for upcoming women’s rights protests. He’s been preparing a protest sign that says “Step On The Patriarchy! (Me, I’m The Patriarchy!)”