Hungover Man Emerges From Bender With 23 New Streaming Subscriptions

Posted on by Sinead Rose

BOSTON — Local 34-year-old Dan Stanton emerged from a 48-hour alcohol bender with 23 new streaming subscriptions, sources confirmed. 

“I used to wake up from benders the old-fashioned way: with chlamydia,” stated Stanton, still sweating vodka from every pore. “I’d party at nightclubs, snort coke off urinals, and wake up in an alley in a pool of my own barf with my wallet gone. Ah, those halcyon days of yore. I’ve gotten so square in my 30s. Now I just stay home with a half-gallon of Popov and stream old sitcoms. But every damn show I wanna watch is on a different streaming service, most of which I’ve never heard of and completely forget about by morning. It’s kinda like waking up with my wallet gone, except then it keeps getting stolen once a month for the rest of my life. By the way, it is way too bright in here. And would you pass me that Pedialyte?” 

Local bar owner Tina Michaelson reports that her clientele has declined significantly with the rise of binge-watching.

“People say they drink at home to save money, but then they end up buying all these damn subscriptions, completely defeating the purpose,” stated Michaelson. “Come to my bar instead, you antisocial pricks! Get out of your house, make a friend, blow a stranger in the bathroom. I promise it’ll be more entertaining than your 37th re-watch of ‘Gilmore Girls.’” 

Nolan Gibbons, CEO of obscure streaming service SkeevTV, explained that cases such as Stanton’s are vital to his business model. 

“Oh yeah, 87% of new subscriptions are a direct result of alcoholic amnesia,” said Gibbons. “Sales decline during Dry January but remain pretty steady the rest of the year, peaking in November and December when people have to deal with their families. We’re a small company, so we can’t afford huge marketing campaigns. We have to target ads on sites we know drunk people are already going to: food delivery apps, eBay, crisis hotlines… We even started posting up outside AA meetings with free bottles of bottom-shelf liquor stamped with a QR code to our site. Business school 101, my friend: location, location, location.”

At press time, Stanton was curled up in a vomit-encrusted blanket, still trying to find a service that has all 11 seasons of “Happy Days.”

Famous Movie Curse? Everyone From ‘Poltergeist’ Is Now Craig T. Nelson

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

Few films have inspired as much lasting terror and unease as the 1982 horror classic, Poltergeist. But audiences have long been haunted not just by what appeared on screen, but by what happened behind the scenes.

For decades, there has been a dark mystique surrounding the film, which makes sense. Supernatural horror is ripe for rumors and speculation. However, as facts about the film’s production and release have come to light, the popular “urban myth” has become harder to explain away, with so many cast and crew meeting the same eerie end. Every individual connected to the film all appear to be the victims of a curse and are now, or soon will be, Craig T. Nelson.

You couldn’t be blamed for chalking up a few seemingly unrelated incidents here and there to random chance. It’s not unprecedented to have a Craig T. Nelson during filming. But after the fourth or fifth, it doesn’t look so random anymore, does it?

So-called “movie curses” are nothing new, of course. On-set mishaps on dozens of films have reached the tabloids, including accidents during the production of ‘The Wizard of Oz’, actor and crew deaths following the release of ‘The Exorcist’, and the continued career of Oscar-winning child rapist, Roman Polanski, which is assumed to be related to Rosemary’s Baby somehow. But no other curse can compare to ‘Poltergeist’.

What’s even scarier is that this curse doesn’t appear to be limited to the principal cast. Supporting actors, crew members, caterers, this guy Paul, you name it, any individual even peripherally connected to the production have all turned up Craig T. Nelson.

Even more alarming are rumors that the curse is no longer confined to the production itself. There has been a recent increase in reports of people who merely handled Poltergeist-related materials winding up Craig T. Nelson.

Which begs the question: Does simply watching ‘Poltergeist’ put you, and everyone you know, at risk? Does the real question become not how many will be Craig T. Nelson, but if any one of us will be spared?

Experts studying the phenomenon stress that there is currently no evidence to suggest that reading about the curse can result in Craig T. Nelson. But who knows? Maybe I just fucked you over by writing this article, and by reading it, you’ve doomed yourself. I don’t know. I don’t know if sharing this article with at least ten people will prevent it, and I don’t know if not sharing it is worth the risk.

Democrats Divided on How to Not Respond to GOP Gerrymandering Wins

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Democratic leaders are torn on what tactics to use in order to best not respond to last week’s Virginia Supreme Court ruling, which virtually guaranteed a GOP victory in a redistricting war that began earlier this year, sources within the DNC have confirmed. 

“We could kneel in front of the Capitol steps in front of a pride flag or something,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (CA-11), who has emerged as an influential voice in the party, despite her decision to step down from leadership in 2023. “Oh, or maybe the rotunda. We got, like, a billion views or something when we did that during that one protest, right? If we earmark a few million dollars for a marketing campaign, they could probably photoshop some other flags and, like, the statue of liberty being handcuffed or something like that.”

Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (NY-8) has a very different vision for how Democrats can momentarily appear to step up at this historical crossroad.

“What we need now is real non-action. I’ll deliver a scathing ten-hour speech vaguely referencing how we need a return to normalcy in our government. We can get an absolute ton of cameras and have a bunch of other Democrats stand behind me and make mean faces when I talk about Republicans. Then, I’ll end it by talking about several political norms and unspoken rules that we’re the only ones decent enough to respect as we lose seats to undemocratic gerrymandering!”

Sen. John Fetterman (PA), sporting an “I speak fluent SARCASM” graphic t-shirt, offered his own take on the DNC’s non-future. 

“The big thing we need to remember as this party prepares to respond to the moment is that I smell burning toast and my brain is all confused. Democrats go too far sometimes!”

In light of the redistricting, minority leader Chuck Schumer has renewed his pledge to call Trump a “taco” until such a time that he can retire with a semblance of dignity. 

Guided Meditation Interrupted by Ad for Worlds Strongest Knife

Posted on by Evan Vest

PORTLAND, Ore. —  Local 35-year-old Noah Milstein’s self-improvement journey took an unexpected turn when a guided meditation was interrupted by an advertisement for The SlicePro Omega Knife, confirmed sources.

“Well since I got sober in January, I’ve tried a lot of different methods of self-care and was excited to try out meditation,” said Milstein outside of his apartment complex. “Unfortunately, I’m not quite in a spot to afford YouTube Premium yet and it’s really been a detractor in my recovery journey. Having an advertisement for a knife that could penetrate a human sternum like Jell-O really crop-dusted the vibe of the meditation. Trying to make a playlist for when a girl comes over has also been a real struggle too. Nothing will turn off a girl faster while making out when ‘Fade Into You’ suddenly turns into the Burger King jingle.”

SlicePro Ambassador Nathan Lockwood offered a counterpoint.

“Honestly, I think nothing gives you inner peace more than knowing you own the strongest military-grade knife in existence,” said Lockwood. “Imagine the piece of mind you’ll feel knowing that you have a mini-sword that can cut through a seatbelt like butter in an emergency situation. You’ll never have to worry about feeling safe or secure knowing you constantly have access to such a powerful tool. My stress levels went down significantly knowing that I could defend myself from a potential mugging with a blade that could easily decapitate your attacker in one fell swoop. Easiest 700 dollars you could spend.”

Meditation expert Phillip Stowers explained how advertising can take someone out of a zen state.

“One of the major parts of meditation is allowing yourself to completely surrender to the calm of your surroundings,” said Stowers. “An unexpected advertisement for The SlicePro Omega Knife can absolutely snap you out of the zen state you’ve been working towards and potentially add additional stress. It’s a real shame because it is a fantastic knife. Have you seen that thing? It’s crazy strong. I bought one myself and the thing fucking rules. I sliced open a watermelon like it was a water-bed. Badass as hell. Wait, what were we talking about?”

At press time, it was reported that Milstein tried an in-person meditation only to be sold a time share.

Landlord Excited to See What Tenants Will Fix for Them Next

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local landlord Steven Halpern reportedly expressed excitement Tuesday over the latest round of repairs his tenants had taken it upon themselves to complete, noting that it’s always interesting to see what improvements renters will decide to handle next without any involvement from him, sources confirmed.

“It’s honestly one of my favorite parts of the job,” Halpern said, smiling as he scrolled through photos a tenant had sent documenting a recently repaired sink and patched section of ceiling. “You never really know what they’re going to take on. One month it’s a leak, the next it’s electrical, sometimes they even repaint or replace fixtures. It’s great to see that kind of initiative. They get a real sense of ownership over the place they don’t own.”

Tenants said they appreciate the flexibility to address issues themselves rather than waiting for formal intervention.

“At least this way, we can make the place functional on our own timeline,” said tenant Melissa Grant. “With some landlords, you put in a request and then you’re waiting weeks or months just to hear that they’re ‘on it’ and to ‘hang tight.’ Here we can just handle the issues when they come up, even if that means buying tools, watching tutorials, and kind of figuring it out as we go just to have a working sink or functioning stove. It’s kind of empowering to know that if we want something to be fixed, we’re the ones that are going to make it happen.”

Housing advocates noted that such mutually beneficial arrangements are becoming increasingly common in the rental market.

“In situations like this, you see a direct relationship between short-term tenant activity and long-term landlord outcomes,” said housing advocate Daniel Reeves. “When tenants are allowed to maintain and improve the property, they are directly improving their quality of life, while their landlords are able to avoid the logistical responsibilities and costs typically associated with upkeep, which can free up time and resources for their other priorities, such as expanding their portfolio or taking extended vacations.”

At press time, Halpern said he was looking forward to seeing whether his tenants were finally ready to address the growing issue with the building’s heating system before winter.

Help! I Want to Recommend Angine de Poitrine to everyone, but I Can’t Pronounce Their Name

Posted on by Ben Friedman

When I first saw the video of Angine de Poitrine playing live on KEXP, I honestly found the whole thing inexplicably unnerving. I don’t know if it was the costumes, the alien gibberish in the middle of “Fabienk”, of the fact that the music itself felt like I was having an anxiety attack that put me off at first, but after watching it 40 times since I can easily say they’re the most exciting and original band I’ve had the pleasure of listening to in quite a long time.

As much as I’d like to spread their gospel to everyone I know, I cannot for the fucking life of me pronounce their name out loud, and I feel like an idiot.

Okay, I can do this. Angie de Pottery. Fuck!

I’m normally not into this kind of angular, math rock bullshit, but their new album “Vol. II” is like a drug, and I must be the pusher. I mean that fucking drummer! Now I just have to say it out loud without tripping over my own tongue. I mean, most of this is their fault for being from Quebec, right? High school French class should have prepared us for this. 

Hold on, wait. Agnus de, uh, Potty. Nope, terrible.

Yes, I looked at their Wikipedia page on how to pronounce it, and no, I don’t have apraxia of speech, I think. This just isn’t making any sense. Why couldn’t they just be called Blibby and Blobby? They kind of look like that.

Angina de Pouperri. This is impossible.

It’s just that one time I was on a date with this super hot cultured woman, and she got up and left halfway through because I said Sufjan Steven’s name incorrectly. If I butcher the pronunciation of one more artist, I’m pretty sure my friends will stop talking to me.

You know what, I’m just going to play dumb and get someone else to say their name first every single time. I’ll be like “hey, you know that ubiquitous, surrealist costumed French art rock band dominating music discourse” and hope like hell they’re more competent than I am at making words, because I just bought tickets to see them and I’m sweating bullets about anyone asking me about what shows I’m going to this summer.

Whew, one more time. ANGINE DE POUTINE! Eh, close enough.

Punk House Enters 28th Consecutive Month of ‘No Mow May’

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HOUSTON — Residents of a local punk house have unconsciously participated in “No Mow May” for the past two years, doing their part to support bees and pollinators by doing nothing, pleasantly surprised neighbors confirmed.

“Most of our neighbors are huge dicks. Always getting on our cases about some nitpicky bullshit,” said Matt “Concrete Donkey” Holloway. “Ooh, stop chucking used up roman candles into our kid’s sandbox, stop blowing blueberry vape smoke in my grandmother’s face, go to the doctor because those firework burns on your palms look infected. So naturally, I got a little defensive when a whole gaggle of them came to talk to us about the lawn. But turns out they weren’t mad. They wanted to commend me for participating in something called ‘No Mow May’ since January of 2024. I never heard about it before today but either way, it’s about time I get some recognition around here.”

Despite previous tensions, neighbor Greg Callow felt it necessary to give “credit where credit’s due.”

“We always try to teach our kids to be non-judgemental, no matter how deserving of judgement a person might be. And so when we saw that the residents of so-called ‘Scuzz Palace’ were doing their part to support the early spring pollinators, I felt it was necessary to show my gratitude,” said Callow. “The one they all call ‘Rat Feces’ must not be used to hearing any sort of praise, because as I walked towards him and gently said ‘hey buddy,’ he snarled and started baring his teeth. But then after I told him I was very proud of what he’s done with the lawn he became docile and even rolled over to let me see his belly.”

Punk conservationist Dave “Flint Tap Water” Ashdown offered this advice for anyone looking to participate in “No Mow May.”

“‘No Mow May’ is a great opportunity for the shiftless, goldbrickin’ homeowners to mask their own indolence as altruism,” said Ashdown. “And it doesn’t have to stop there. Did you know you can just stop shaving your mustache in November without donating any money for prostate cancer? You can even get creative with your slothfulness. You’re not leaving your Halloween decorations out all year because you’re a lazy and thoughtless person. You’re doing it for ‘skeleton awareness month.’”

At press time, a search and rescue team has been sent to find a lost neighbor boy that wandered into the punk house’s four feet tall bermuda grass.

Show Me the Rule That Says I Can’t Take a Rotisserie Chicken, That I’ve Already Paid For, Into the Piggly Wiggly Men’s Room

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Alright, this is absolutely ridiculous. I am a long-time customer in good standing, and I just completed my weekly shopping without bothering any of the other patrons or employees. You undoubtedly look like a busy manager, so why are you wasting time telling me what I can and cannot do? I’m well aware of the code of conduct inside this particular store location, so go ahead. Show me the rule that says I can’t take a rotisserie chicken, that I’ve already paid for, into the Piggly Wiggly men’s room.

That’s right, you can’t. It would be another story altogether if I had just snatched up said rotisserie chicken from the deli and waltzed into the bathroom with it in tow, but that’s clearly something I would never do. I’m not an animal. I’ve shown you the receipt. That chicken is bought and paid for, along with this bag of Golden Sriracha Doritos and 30-pack of Busch Lite.

Both of which, for your information, I’d also like to take to the toilet with me.

What exactly is the issue here, anyway? If you think I’ll make a mess, I assure you I’ll toss the chicken’s defleshed carcass and any empty cans into the trash when I’m finished with my dinner and bowel movement. I don’t plan on drinking any more than three or four of them, anyway. As we’ve established, I’m not an animal. I’ll also eat the Doritos directly over the toilet to make sure I don’t get crumbs everywhere. The last thing I want to do is create more work for your custodial staff.

Look, if you still don’t want me consuming merchandise that has already been legitimately exchanged into my possession here, I’ll go elsewhere. I see nothing to be gained from relitigating my case to you, but if truth be told, I’m beginning to consider taking my business to the Walmart down the street going forward. I heard they couldn’t care less who concurrently eats and shits inside their establishment.

Are we done here? My chicken is starting to get cold, and it looks like the Sunoco next door is my closest option. Hopefully, they won’t give me the same trouble.

Nation’s Beefcakes Demand All ‘Appetite for Destruction’ Shirts Be Sold With Sleeves Pre-Cut

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LOS ANGELES — The nation’s buff hunks have demanded all “Appetite for Destruction” shirts be sold with the sleeves already removed going forward, sources report.

“This is a long time coming,” beefcake spokesperson Blaine Carter said. “For too long us sculpted Adonises have had to manually remove the sleeves from our ‘Appetite for Destruction’ shirts before heading to the gym to audibly grunt while doing weighted dips and dumbbell presses. This is not an unreasonable demand, because it is absolutely absurd to expect us to take the time to modify our attire before toning our bulging pecs and mouth-watering biceps. If we all had our way on this, we would also have insisted on the sides of the shirts being cut as well so chicks can catch a glimpse of our sexy cumgutters and crucifix rib tattoos.”

Non-beefcake Guns N’ Roses fan Dietrich Erwin was disgusted by the demand.

“I really hope the t-shirt companies don’t acquiesce to this,” Erwin sighed. “I see these muscleheads walking around with sleeveless ‘Appetite for Destruction’ shirts all the time, and it pisses me off. Do these guys even listen to Guns N’ Roses? Could they name any songs other than ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ or ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’? I’d be willing to bet that they can’t, so it’s bullshit for them to try to dictate how the band’s merch is sold. I’ve been a Guns N’ Roses fan since the late ‘80s, and I’ve proudly never been to the gym in my life. Maybe the shirt companies should pay attention to my wants, like not putting scratchy tags on the insides.”

Gildan representative Tricia Grenel spoke out about the request.

“I’m getting so sick of these flawless slabs of Grade A prime chuck thinking they can dictate the styles of our shirts,” Grenel complained. “We here at Gildan have a tough enough time struggling to understand even the most basic attributes of the human body, so we can’t be occupied with kowtowing to every whim of these studs. It is true that 95% of our ‘Appetite for Destruction’ shirts are sold to gym rats who immediately cut off the sleeves, but if we succumb to this, what’s next? Pre-oil stained Motörhead shirts? Dream Theater shirts sold with a coating of Cheetoh dust? Not gonna happen.”

At press time, the beefcakes were also demanding the shirts be sold with 1,000 grams of creatine.

Hamburger Helper Glove Admits to Visiting Epstein’s Kitchen Island

Posted on by Tim Graham

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — Lefty, the Hamburger Helper glove, was among the many food-product mascots whose names appear in the Epstein files, newly leaked documents confirm.

“It was the early 2000s. Things were different back then—not that it’s any excuse,” said the repentant Lefty. “I used to go there whenever I was in the city, do some blow, get a massage. I learned quickly not to ask questions about the girls’ age or where they came from. I figured what happened on the island would stay on the island, but it turns out there were cameras all over the kitchen. Epstein was gathering incriminating tape on all of us. I saw some really dark shit there, but I knew that if my involvement became known, General Mills would drop my ass, so I kept my trap shut about the whole thing.”

Poppin’ Fresh, better known as The Pillsbury Doughboy, says he’s willing to tell all in exchange for legal immunity.

“All the mascots used to hang out at Epstein’s: The Jolly Green Giant, Snap, Crackle and Pop, the Keebler Elves. Just about anyone you ever saw on a package at the grocery store would be there partying and having relations with girls of questionable age,” said the haggard-looking doughboy. “I’ve got dirt on every one of those scumbags, and I’ll spill it if I can get some kind of sweetheart deal. I’ll tell everything, like when Frankenberry and Tony the Tiger helped Chef Boyardee get rid of a body after he got a little too enthusiastic with one of the ladies.”

Some of the other implicated mascots have denied wrongdoing altogether.

“I assure you that my client, Mr. Peanut, had no knowledge of what went on in Mr. Epstein’s kitchen,” said lawyer Howard Dennison. “That could be any anthropomorphic peanut with a monocle, top hat and cane in those photos. My firm is preparing defamation suits against the media outlets who published disgusting allegations regarding Mr. Peanut, who is an upstanding brand ambassador. And to the woman who claims her half-peanut/half-human child is the result of an encounter with Mr. Peanut when she was underage—we’ll see you in court.”

At press time, Poppin’ Fresh’s badly burned body had been found in his own oven just days ahead of his scheduled Congressional testimony, where authorities ruled it a suicide.