BOSTON — Local man Brian Keller reportedly believes he’s hit rock bottom despite not altering a single aspect of his self-destructive behavior or circumstances, sources confirmed.
“It’s time to turn things around,” Keller quietly mumbled to himself in the mirror as if he were in a biopic watched by millions and not a middle-aged man alone in his apartment immediately returning to the same decision-making that got him here in the first place. “All I need is just one thing to go my way. I am confident this is a meaningful turning point in my life. Starting Monday, or next month, I’m going to get my act together. Until then, I’m going to get hammered at a Chili’s and do some coke off the baby changing station in the restroom.”
Former college roommate Pamela Dupont said Keller may be confusing the act of declaring a turning point with actually making one.
“Honestly, Brian does this kind of thing every couple of months or so,” Dupont said of the man who is currently taking four times the recommended dose of a friend’s medication so he can focus on reinvesting in the crypto markets that crippled him financially while sipping a sixth low-calorie beer in his effort to lose weight. “He’ll make some announcement that he’s hit rock bottom or whatever, post something vague on Instagram about his ‘winter arc,’ and then a week or two later he’s sending me unprompted Venmo requests for God knows what. I mean, he’s nice enough, and I’ve known him too long at this point to just ‘cut him out of my life,’ but I haven’t responded to one of his texts in years.”
Keller’s therapist, Alisha Stewart, suggested the issue stems from a child-like misunderstanding of what the phrase “rock bottom” actually means.
“Admitting you’ve hit rock bottom actually involves a sustained recognition that your behavior is destructive and a genuine commitment to change,” Stewart said as Keller watched his Kalshi, DraftKings, and GGPoker funds disappear. “Hitting rock bottom does not, in fact, mean continuing the same fuckwad-dumbshit-self-destructive-asocial-asshat behavior that has made everyone you’ve ever known wish you would just fucking die already.”
At press time, Keller was reportedly celebrating the start of this new chapter with a trip to the cash-for-plasma center.
Inspiring! This Non-Profit Raised 7 Billion Dollars for Temporary Sports Arenas During the Largest Homelessness Crisis in Modern History
Amidst the largest homeless crisis in modern day history, The International Olympic Committee was able to raise 7 billion dollars to bravely build temporary sports arenas all over Northern Italy. What an absolute slam dunk for all of humanity! While some non profits provide long term solutions, the IOC prefers invading a city every four years, uprooting the infrastructure, and wasting as many public and private resources as possible. Why? Because SPORTS! And flags. Do NOT forget the flags, and the waving of them.
The only cooler thing than sports is causing housing prices to rise and space to continue to tighten in the name of a patriotic dystopia that will most deeply damage the very smallest communities. Or at least that’s what Kirsty Coventry, President of the IOC, likes to whisper in the ear of the FCC just to keep them docile.
As we (The Hard Times sports section, aka those who mosh the most) roamed the city looking for positives, a local cafe owner urged us to sit down in his recently renamed cafe, I HEART NBC. “I guess we have 6 new sports arenas that fit 50,000 people each. So that must be good. Somehow. Right? I certainly like sports, but now that I think about it…those are there forever. And we don’t knock stuff down, like ever. Fuck. What the fuck was the point of this? What are all these sports stadiums for? It’s like ancient Rome all over again, but plastic.”
Just as the non-profit’s “games” came to a close this season, so did many of the buildings they rushed to make for a 6-week-long event. Even though – wait a second – we’re just now hearing that there were already enough permanent stone sports arenas in Italy for the past 100 years for the next 100 Olympics. Good to know for next time!
McDonald’s Overhauls Deal Menu With $17 ‘Fuck You Burger’
CHICAGO — McDonald’s announced that the fast food chain would be undergoing a massive overhaul of their affordable deal menu spearheaded by their new $17 “Fuck You Burger,” franchised locations have confirmed.
“For our next venture to gouge consumers, we took inspiration from condescending, overpriced gastropubs who also think their clientele are idiots. I’m proud to announce all you disgusting pigs will love wolfing down the new ‘Fuck You Burger,’ and you’ll have no choice but to pony up 17 big ones because we’re replacing the value menu with this,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski. “Technically we can’t call it a burger since it’s 67% sawdust, but that won’t stop us from fleecing anyone dumb enough to spend almost two and a half times the minimum wage for flavorless slop. Stop by today!”
Employees at McDonald’s restaurants were hesitant to embrace the new menu.
“Ever since Chris got roasted for that Big Arch fiasco, he’s been on a warpath. He only gave locations six hours to start selling this new burger and I gotta say for that price, I don’t know how long we can sustain it. The ingredients literally call for dumpster juice and laxatives,” said shift manager Dory Henderson. “The craziest part is that right now, the ‘Fuck You Burger’ is a hit. It doesn’t even come with fries! I suppose we should look forward to a nice quarterly bonus before all the customers sue over getting sepsis.”
Representatives from the McDonald’s R&D department said the menu will soon be subjected to many more changes.
“Nuking the value menu for a burger that will put you in the ICU is just the beginning, as our loyal customers can look forward to melted shakes, three day old fries, and touch screens that’ll double charge you and steal your bank info,” said Ryan Jones. “We no longer want to be a restaurant chain, but a vast network of gray buildings pushing out the lowest quality food for the most amount of money we can get away with charging. And people will pay, because this is America and we can abuse the hell out of our base and get away with it.”
As of press time, Kempczinski added that a limited time $25 “Fuck You Burger Deluxe” option will come with an extra patty made of rat meat.
Who Said It? Donald Trump or Rita Repulsa
Was there ever a better time to be a kid than the ‘90s? We had the best toys, the best TV shows, and of course, the best villains! If you’re feeling nostalgic for the days of Discmans and Saturday morning cartoons, good news — the ‘90s are so back! Young people are wearing Nirvana t-shirts, people are buying VHS tapes again, and the world is facing an existential threat from a sinister and powerful evil! Did someone say “Morphin time”?
Apparently, America was so nostalgic for ‘90s TV baddies that they elected a president so vile he’s nearly indistinguishable from Power Rangers’ sinister arch nemesis Rita Repulsa! So, how confident are you that you can differentiate her cartoonish, over-the-top evil from the current leader of the free world? Let’s find out!
“Zip it, you gold monkey!”
An easy one, clearly Rita talking to her chief henchman Goldar.
“Quiet piggy!”
Another easy one, clearly Trump talking to any woman.
“At long last, those teenagers will be mine!”
You might think Rita said this in reference to those color-coded “teenagers with attitude” thwarting her plans at every turn. Unfortunately, you would be wrong! This quote is attributed to DONALD TRUMP, grinning like a madman, his fingers steepled as he came to the realization that it was legal for him to hold his own teen beauty pageant.
“My monster will make mincemeat out of those pesky do-gooders!”
Sounds like something a moon-based super villain would say, right? Wrong! This quote is from Donald Trump, referring to his decision to let Elon Musk’s DODGE cut the funding from several life-saving initiatives.
“Zordon won’t stop us this time! My puddies will reduce this city to rubble!”
You’re thinking this is an easy one, right? You’re probably thinking, “This HAS TO be Rita Repulsa, why would Donald Trump be talking about Zordon? Plus, puddies, that’s a dead giveaway, right?”
Well, you’re wrong on both counts! “Zordon” was Trump’s attempt to say Zohran Mamdani’s name, and “puddies” is, of course, his nickname he uses for his children when he can’t remember their real names, which is often!
“Magic wand, make my monster grow!”
It’s a tie! Rita would, of course, say this before casting her wand to Earth and turning her monster-of-the-week into a giant, forcing the rangers to summon their zords for another epic kaiju battle!
According to the Epstein files, Donald Trump also said this on a private yacht to a 15-year-old masseuse. The file in question was heavily redacted, so we can’t be 100% clear on the context, but we do know that whatever he was trying to make grow did not grow, and he became angry and abusive to the staff.
Throwing a temper tantrum and taking it out on your underlings when your evil plans fail? Are we SURE this guy isn’t Rita?!
“Zedd baby, you may be ugly, but you sure know how to show a ghoul a bad time!”
Another tie! Not only do Trump and Rita talk alike, but they have the same taste in men as well! They even seduced Lord Zedd the same way, by drugging him with a magic potion crafted by Finster and Steve Bannon, respectively. See, you can barely tell these two apart!
“A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again!”
It might be easy to imagine Rita exclaiming this from her moon base before turning a monster into a city-destroying giant, but no, this one is all Trump! The difference is the last line, “never to be brought back again!” That extra mustard on the ghoulishness of it all, that bonus little celebratory umph on the declaration of war crimes and genocide, is what sets Trump apart from Rita Repulsa. He’s not content to just let his hideous appearance, his cadre of villainous monsters, and his crimes against the earth do the talking — he NEEDS you to know he is the bad guy, while Rita Repulsa chooses to be a bit more reserved and understated.
Adulting Win! I’ve Successfully Hidden the Body
Well, that was exhausting. But also, fulfilling… in a way that I probably shouldn’t explicate on in case any legal officials are paying attention. But for the rest of you rough-and-tumble millennials just trying to make it through the day-to-day, you’ll be happy to know that you can successfully hide a human corpse without sacrificing your video game time. That’s right, it’s Paper Mario time.
Shit, I’m gonna be such a great dad.
Sometimes I question whether or not I’m really an adult. I mean, at my age, my father was already on his third divorce, and me, I’ve got all these fucking cats. But now, like my father, I can successfully disappear a second wife with no pokey cops sniffing around my “near-studio” apartment. I share the kitchen with nine other 34-year-olds who are all working on the same screenplay.
Time and dismembered limb management are the types of things they should have taught us in school. Fuck calculus, I need to know which kind of saw is best for dismembering a human femur.
It counts as extra adulting because it was a fat guy.
While all you high-and-mighty boomers are out there bragging about your McMansions, guess what I just inconspicuously buried under your heated garage. Good luck with the K-9 unit, you out-of-touch bozos.
Looks like those old mafia guys at the deli were wrong. Home Depot is a good place to buy your disposal shovels, although in hindsight, I wish I had also bought gloves.
Also, to be clear, I didn’t kill anyone; I just hid the corpse. What happened was, I was supposed to have been paid by a stingy bitch named… oh, let’s just call him Tronald Dump, to make a problem with a certain AP reporter go away. Well, it’s away, but that flatulent shister still owes me $90 and a participation trophy. My generation really does go rock hard for participation trophies.
12-Year-Old Audiophile Insists Weird Al Sounds ‘Warmer’ On Vinyl
ALBUQUERQUE — Local 12-year-old audiophile Jimmy Johanson reportedly insists that famed accordion virtuoso “Weird Al” Yankovic’s music sounds “warmer” on vinyl, sources confirmed.
“There is no denying it, the only way to truly get the full Weird Al experience is to spin ‘Amish Paradise’ on a turntable. My friends say I’m nuts, but I think I just have a more refined taste for parody songs than my peers. I have always been inclined towards the finer things in life, like songs about Spam,” said Johanson as he cracked open a barrel-aged vintage Yoo-hoo chocolate drink. “There is a far greater dynamic range on the squelching noises in ‘Girls Just Want To Have Lunch’ that you simply cannot achieve through digital means.”
Johanson’s friends and family voiced their frustrations about the boy constantly bringing up his Weird Al vinyl collection and forcing them to listen to the musician’s various polka medleys.
“It is literally a guy playing accordion and singing about food; I really don’t see how you need to optimize the listening experience for that,” said Johanson’s lifelong best friend Harry Norman. “We have all been trying to get him to dial it down. I don’t know how much more I can take. Do you know how many times I have had to listen to ‘My Bologna’? I have full-blown PTSD flashbacks every time I go down the deli aisle now.”
Weird Al historian Dr. Michael Giacomo claims that listening to the parody artist exclusively on vinyl is actually a common practice dating back decades.
“Children possess superior hearing, which makes them prime candidates to absorb the lush sounds of ‘Dare To Be Stupid’ when played on vinyl through a top of the line sound system,” said Dr. Giacomo. “However, not every child will be able to parse the complex layered sounds; it takes a child with a very high IQ and a natural inclination towards the fine arts to recognize the intricacies of Alfred Yankovic’s work.”
At press time, Johanson’s friends and family were relieved that he had agreed to start using headphones instead of facing the speaker out his window and blasting it at full volume for the entire neighborhood to hear.
‘Out of Order’ Sign on Urinal No Match for Free-Thinking Libertarian
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — An “out of order” sign in a public restroom didn’t stand a chance against local libertarian Royce LeFarge, confirmed sources who were scared to follow suit.
“I am unshackled from the chains of serfdom and lavatory signage,” said LeFarge, chapter house president for the Sacramento Free People’s Alliance. “We, the Free People of California grow weary, and the urinal’s ‘out of order’ sign is the latest slight in a long series of social humiliations brought about by a corrupt bureaucracy. The sign itself is just an object, one that has no bearing on my reality. It cannot restrict my individualist volition. I saw it, read it, and comprehended its worth, but ultimately the urinary free-market decided. Sure, I got a little splashback and there was no soap in the dispenser, but such is the reward of a true hero.”
Public bathroom enjoyer Randy Alderman provided a first-hand account of this stunning display of rugged individualism.
“It felt like something out of an 800-page Ayn Rand novel,” Alderman said. “So there I was, doing whippets and fighting with the man in the shatter-proof mirror when this Royce character comes in. You see, this is the only public bathroom in the vicinity that isn’t locked after 5:00 PM, so we gotta make-do. And boy do we. He took one look at the sign and shook his head, dropped his pants all the way to the ankles, and well the rest is history. You know, we’re all indebted to act in accordance to a social contract, but when the contract itself is voided it’s really up to the common man to make a difference. I believe Royce is that difference.”
Dr. Julia Franz, Professor of Objectivism and Randian historian at California State University, weighed in on this development.
“Rationality is the most essential determinant of moral self-worth,” said Dr. Franz. “What Mr. Royce has achieved here is more than just a public performance, his actions embody the very struggles that all true Randian heroes feel in the face of an amoral established order. This phallocentric self-interest is the basis of his moral rationality. It’s all astonishingly noble, and people will be talking about this for a long time. Should he leave politics behind, I believe Mr. Royce has a promising future in architecture.”
At press time, LeFarge was seen putting his hands all over a nearby wall because it had a “wet paint” sign meant to deter onlookers from touching.
Man Clearly Going Through Something Buys Really Big Fantasy Book
LOS ANGELES — Local 33-year-old Dylan Arnold, who is either in the middle of a breakup or just lost his job, was recently seen in a Barnes & Noble purchasing a really, really big fantasy book, confirmed sources who tried not to stare but just couldn’t help it.
“I guess there are supposed to be like 22 of these or something,” said Arnold while holding book one of a fantasy series no one’s even heard of. “It isn’t even finished yet. I guess the author died so some other fantasy writers are going to finish it for him. Lucky guy. Either way, I just need something, anything to fill my time. This 1,800-page novel will do. The book was so heavy that I needed help from an associate to carry it to my car. It was nice to experience some human interaction before I don’t talk to anyone for the next month.”
The massive tome of a book caught the eye of fellow shopper Greg Cobb, who couldn’t believe the size of this fucking thing.
“That disheveled man, who clearly was just told that he has a terminal illness or someone stole his identity, was meandering about with the biggest book I’ve seen in all my years,” said Cobb. “I have no clue how anyone could finish a book that large, but he clearly does not bother with showering or clean clothes, so I suppose he now has a lot of free time on his hands.”
Jonathan Shouta of Harper Collins Publishing noted that men who are clearly going through something make up a significant portion of readership in the fantasy genre.
“Our books provide a wonderful escape for someone who was likely saving up for an engagement ring before their partner told them they were moving to Denver,” said Shouta. “The worlds our authors create allow for our readers to divide into lands unknown. Places where they haven’t just been let go from a position that was supposed to be temporary and ended up being eight, miserable, under-paid years. We are also very popular in prisons.”
At press time, Arnold was seen utilizing the bookstore’s buy-one-get-one free cookie promotion on his receipt for his first meal of the day at 8:30 p.m.
The Next “Angel Is the Centerfold”? I Think My Old High School Crush Is in This Footjob Cumpilation
Few bands had a hit in the eighties that resonated with so broad an audience as J. Geils Band did with their catchy 1981 tune “Centerfold”. Its toe-tapping melody and earworm chorus appealed to followers of the then-burgeoning nu-wave movement while retaining just enough of the watered-down, 1970s blues-rock the band was rooted in to keep the Baby Boomers nodding their heads. Well, I may have found the inspiration for the next iteration of this classic, because I think I just noticed my high school crush in this footjob cumpilation!
Seriously, I just opened up XHamster for my evening wank and stumbled across a video containing who I believe to be Kaitlin Steinfeller, who I was obsessed with throughout all of 10th grade. She sat right in front of me in both homeroom and Algebra II and probably didn’t even know I existed, because she was a super popular cheerleader and I wasn’t interested in much besides, well, jacking off. I suppose not much has changed. Anyway, I’m thinking I should write a popular song about this.
Is that really her around the seven-minute mark? Right after the lady in the pigtails, but just before the collection of stocking-clad actresses that closes out the video. The only thing throwing me off is that her feet are manipulating a man who appears to be uncircumcised, and I’m pretty sure Kaitlin is still a hostess at the Olive Garden in Lansing. I don’t think she moved to Europe. Oh well, maybe this guy is a German expat, or his parents are religious freaks or something. It doesn’t matter, because I’m like 80% certain that’s her.
Is this how artistic inspiration works? I feel just like J. Geils. All I need is some musical talent and a video with dancing babes in a classroom, and I’ll be set for life. I think I still have an old electric guitar that I never bothered to unpack when I moved into this place three years ago. I could be a star! This is my ticket to fame, fortune, and as much sex as I can handle! All I need to do is grab that guitar and—
Never mind, I just came. I’m suddenly not the slightest bit interested in any of this. Time to clear my history, close my laptop, and boot my Xbox back up. What were we talking about again?
Marky Ramone Announces Ramones Reunion Show With Hologram Joey Ramone, Hologram Johnny Ramone, Hologram Dee Dee Ramone
BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, N.Y. — Ramones drummer Marky Ramone announced an upcoming reunion show that will feature hologram versions of Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, and Dee Dee Ramone, confirmed sources who couldn’t wait to maybe check it out.
“It’s been 30 years since the Ramones disbanded and now we’re back. This time in 3D,” said Marky Ramone while repeatedly flickering the switch for hologram Dee Dee Ramone on and off. “It was about time the founding members put their differences aside from beyond the grave and reunited iridescently. Unfortunately, we only have the hologram technology for one show. Then hologram Joey is going to embark on a 50-city solo tour. Kind of a dick move. But to be honest, hologram Joey Ramone and hologram Johnny Ramone can’t be in the same room together for too long before bickering, which then makes their three-dimensional light waves neutralize each other. It’s like nothing’s changed.”
Fans of the bands couldn’t be more excited for the reunion.
“I’m so pumped to see hologram Joey Ramone stand motionless and stare at the floor during the entire set, just like back in the day,” said longtime fan Kenneth Yousef. “I heard there will also be a meet and greet with the holograms after the show too. I have so many questions to ask hologram Johnny. Like, what is his favorite song to play live? And what is it like to be digitally recreated like puppets and exploited for profit for powerful concert ticket distributors like Ticketmaster? Man, this show is going to rule.”
Music historian Grace Reynolds believed these kinds of concerts could be gaining steam.
“When multiple members of your band have deceased, it can be hard for the surviving members to cash in on that sweet reunion money,” said Reynolds. “Thankfully, hologram technology has made it possible for aging musicians to join in on the nostalgia bucks. And at some point, hologram technology will become so powerful that it will be coming for the currently living musicians’ jobs too. Let’s face it. No one wants to see a 70-year-old dude up there playing songs they wrote as a teenager. We’d prefer to see them in laser form. They might as well be dead.”
At press time, hologram Dee Dee Ramone was replaced by real-life C.J. Ramone after Marky Ramone remembered he was still alive.