Michale Graves Planning To Storm the Gates of Heaven if New Christian Music Career Doesn’t Get Him Admitted

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DUMONT, N.J. – Former Misfits frontman Michale Graves expressed his plan to storm Heaven’s Gates if his recent pivot to Christian music does not result in St. Peter letting him in, sources report.

“I learned from Donald Trump that you should never take no for an answer,” Graves told reporters. “That’s why I went to Washington D.C. on January 6th, and I don’t see why cosmological matters should be approached any differently. I will exalt Jesus Christ with my music, and He’s going to regret it if that isn’t good enough to grant me a seat at the right hand of the Father for all of eternity. I’d better get in, or Heaven is going to be met with a force it could never begin to comprehend. When people fear God, there is tyranny, but when God fears the people, there is liberty. Consider yourself warned, Almighty One.”

God, the Supreme, All-Knowing Creator of the Universe, was not intimidated by Graves’ threats.

“I’d like to see the motherfucker try it,” the Prime Mover told reporters. “I called up a reserve regiment of angels to stand guard and reinforced the Pearly Gates with double cylinder deadbolts. I had to do something to defend against Republicans, because those fucking morons think they’re somehow on my side, and they cry like babies and resort to violence when they don’t get exactly what they want. If you think I’m suddenly shaking in my boots because some entitled, has-been punk singer suddenly thinks he’s worthy of My Kingdom after releasing a shitty Christian rock record, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Music expert Shanice Burke expounded upon the matter.

“Christian rock is great when you’re completely out of ideas, or in Graves’ case, never really talented to begin with,” Burke provided. “It’s clearly the worst form of music there is, and the lyrics are mind-numbingly stupid, so basically anyone can do it. While I’ve never heard of someone having a backup plan to enter Heaven by force if the music doesn’t get them in, I’m not surprised. I fully expect to see other right-wing artists do the same, even though I can’t imagine they’ll be successful infiltrating Heaven when all they managed to do at the Capitol was wander around and smear their own shit on the walls.”

At press time, Graves was seen spreading rumors that the tally system used by St. Peter had been tampered with.

Opinion: You Lose 100% of the Fights You Don’t Start

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

Paddy “Punk” Pearlman is the promoter and self-proclaimed manager of The Hard Times. Paddy has an appreciation for “the bleeding edge” of punk, everything from Pearl Jam to My Chemical Romance. He goes by many monickers — “Mayor of The Bowery,” “The Colonel,” “The Elder Statesman” — all of which other people have totally called him, and definitely not nicknames he has tried to give himself. Comedically, his influences run the gamut from Theo Von to Bill Maher, and his Borat impression is nationally ranked.

Paddy is a registered IPA sommelier,  a certified life coach, and was the first American to say, “‘Idiocracy’ is a documentary.”

He is currently single, ready to mingle, and his whereabouts on January 6th, 2021, are none of your concern.

When the fuck did we get so afraid of violence in this country? 

If there’s one thing me and my AI therapist can agree on, it’s that you lose 100% of the fights you don’t start. Winning fights is how you win at life. So if you don’t want to lose by default, you gotta show up. You gotta take up space. You gotta walk right up to some dude at the bar who wasn’t looking at you and say, “What the fuck are you lookin at?” 

You gotta be that guy.

Let’s say you enter a room, and no one is starting any shit. Some would call that ideal. I call it an opportunity. Pick out the alpha and shrink his IQ with a coma punch to the back of the head. I learned that move during a bar fight–specifically the UFC fight on the big TV at the bar–and it breaks pussies like matchsticks. See? They didn’t start the fight, so they lost, and now they’re stuck with the bill for however long they’re out. What a fucking failure.

I know what you’re thinking: “You should only fight in self-defence.” Uh, OK, that only makes sense if you never want to win a fight. Me? I wake up at 4 every morning so I can find an ass to kick before sunup. 

Trust me, I’ve been in tons of fights, and I’ve won every one, except for when the other guy cheated (fought a lot of cheaters) or if you count divorces. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I lost the last divorce! The judge let me keep my bass guitars in the settlement. “Smoke in the Water” sounds a lot better without someone constantly reminding you how you promised to pick up your mother-in-law from the hospital.

Look, I’m trying to help you win at life. You just gotta sack up, walk into that Dave & Buster’s, and let everyone know you’re NOT there to lose. As the Bible says, “Do undo others before they do undo you.” I like that so much I got it inked on my dick. It’s easier to read now that I’m back on T/Gel and red light therapy.

Anyway, I copy/pasted all of this from my dating profile at Christian Mingle. If you don’t have a high school diploma, hit me up. Females only!

Reports Confirm Somewhere Between 3 and 97,000 Hantavirus Diagnoses This Week

Posted on by Finn Kobler

OMAHA, Neb. — A strain of hantavirus erupted on the Hondius cruise, infecting somewhere between 3 and 97,000 people, confirmed sources who didn’t realize there were that few or that many cases. 

“There is a high variance in numbers, because hantavirus isn’t a disease that spreads extremely rapidly…except for all the times that it does,” said CDC Director Jay Bhattacharya. “Unlike the highly contagious coronavirus, hantavirus can only be spread through direct contact with rodents. Or by touching an object contaminated with the virus. Or a person contaminated with the virus. Or inhaling virus particles through the air, kind of like COVID. Or not at all like COVID.” 

The affected passengers have been incubating at a medical facility in Nebraska since early May and should be able to return home sometime between early June 2026 and November 2036. 

“I don’t love being quarantined, but I’d rather be safe than sorry,” said one patient, who wished to remain anonymous for safety reasons and because he’s scared his mother-in-law will find out then she’ll call him to talk about “NCIS: New Orleans.” “They say, because hantavirus is so rare, even minor cases can be fatal. Luckily I’m asymptomatic—which means I’m either not in danger, or extremely in danger depending on which doctor talks to me. Although, I’m higher-risk because apparently I touched a mouse—or shook hands with a birdwatcher? Or both?”

Experts were quickly working to create a cure or vaccine, whichever they came across first.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this virus, so we’re trying to reverse-engineer a cure using spatio-temporal patterns,” said Tandin Wangchuk, Chair of the WHO Executive Board.  “Unfortunately, mathematics and physics aren’t exact sciences, so even our top researchers are struggling. Luckily, AI has been a huge asset in advancing healthcare. We’ve put all of our data on hantavirus into Claude, and it’s saying we’re actually inventing a whole new kind of medicine altogether. We can’t share what that medicine is just yet, because it says there’s a risk Gargumel might hear, which would undo all our progress, but stay tuned!”

At press time, a new international health committee has been created to investigate hantavirus and AI psychosis as co-morbidities.

Aging Couple Worries They Have Nothing Left To Talk About on Podcast

Posted on by Billy Patterson

MUNCIE, Ind. — After 11 years together, local married couple Sam and Elizabeth Kramer are worried that they no longer have anything to discuss on their podcast, anxious sources confirmed.

“I never thought we’d be one of those old couples that just sit there silently across from each other when they’re podcasting, but now it’s starting to happen,” said Elizabeth Kramer, breathing a heavy sigh. “When we first got together on the mic, it was like magic. I felt like we could effortlessly riff for hours, and we never ran out of amusing anecdotes or funny insights about our relationship. But now, aside from our mandatory ad reads, there’s been a lot of long silences. I’m starting to worry… maybe Sam isn’t the person I’m meant to podcast with for the rest of my life.”

Donald Yu, a friend of the Kramers, sees their marital podcast struggles as a cautionary tale for his own relationship-based podcast.

“It’s scary to see what happens to so many couples after they’ve been podcasting together for over a decade,” said Yu. “Sam and Liz used to have amazing chemistry, but now it feels like they’re just going through the motions of putting out two new episodes a week, simply because they don’t know what else to do. They still post clips on Instagram as if everything’s fine, but when you watch the full podcasts on their YouTube channel you can tell that they’re hanging on by a thread. I swear, if me and Jenny ever end up like that when we’re older, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m not willing to stay in a podcast where I’m not happy.”

The Kramers’ decreased podcast output is not an issue that’s unique to them, according to marriage counsellor Lauren Ramos.

“It’s completely normal for couples who have been together for a long time to feel that their podcast has plateaued. A podcast is something that takes work, and it’s not always going to be as fresh and exciting as it was when you’re first starting out together,” Ramos explained. “But there are many ways that an aging couple can spice up their episodes. I often recommend that couples try recording in a different place than usual, such as the kitchen, or even outside. And these days, I see more and more couples exploring the idea of introducing a third person into their recording sessions. Whatever it takes to keep the spark alive in their content.”

At press time, rumors circulated that the Kramers had decided to try to save their podcast by having a baby.

Pope Leo Says No Place for Hate in World Except Towards White Sox Front Office

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VATICAN CITY — His Holiness Pope Leo XIV proclaimed that hatred of any kind has no place in God’s Kingdom, except when it’s directed at the Chicago White Sox front office, according to gossiping cardinals. 

“Listen up, pilgrims! It’s incumbent upon us to stop spreading so much disdain toward our fellow man, unless it’s aimed at those morons who’ve been running the White Sox into the ground,” said an angered Pontiff. “Love and forgiveness are what makes us human. However, the Church has concluded that it’s impossible to apply them to those bozos who’ve turned my home team into the laughingstock of the league. Jesus Christ was known for turning the other cheek, but even he would be absolved for loathing the guts of those executives responsible for unforgivable sins like trading Fernando Tatis Jr. to the Padres for overrated James Shields, or flipping Marcus Semien and Chris Bassitt to Oakland for that bum Jeff Samardzija.” 

Lucio Romera, who traveled to see the Holy Father, was confused by his decree.

“I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but that really came out of left field,” said Romera as he kissed his Rosary. “The Vicar of Christ is known for his deep understanding of scripture, but I couldn’t figure out what point he was trying to make in relation to baseball. I’m sure there was some profound meaning behind it, yet when he very aggressively invoked the power of the Almighty to excommunicate Rick Hahn for getting fleeced by Andrew Benintendi for 75 million dollars, we were all kind of left scratching our heads.”

Religious scholar Tim Mantra explained that many earlier popes also made exceptions to their universal love doctrine 

“It’s not commonly known, but most popes have been a bit selective with their message of understanding,” said Mantra. “The first pope, Saint Peter the Apostle, in addition to despising  hypocrisy and the mistreatment of the poor, also harbored an intense abhorrence for anyone who slurped their millet porridge. And most famously, Pope John Paul II was known for his tender heart, except when it came to the creators of ‘Seinfeld,’ whom he cursed daily for that ‘blasphemous’ series finale.”

At press time, Pope Leo was rumored to be redirecting several prayers he had set aside for world peace into asking for a massive swarm of ravenous locusts to descend upon the home of White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf.

Not Bad! My Dentist Found Two Cavities, but at Least Sade Is Playing  

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

I’ve been going to Dr. Lin since I was four years old, and for the last 30 years, she has always played 94.7 The Wave. Yes, that’s a smooth jazz station. Smooth jazz is a broad term here — they play plenty of R&B, neo-soul, and trip-hop. I wouldn’t have it any other way. When I outgrew the thrills of dozens of old Highlights magazines, Zoobooks, and a fading Patrick Nagel poster, I was finally able to soak in the sultry delights of “Mercy Mercy Me,” “Forget Me Nots,” and, of course, “Smooth Operator.”

With her hands in my mouth and sophisti-pop in my ears, she asks me questions about life, career, and family. She interrupts me halfway through my gagged answer to inform me of the unthinkable: she found two cavities in my back molars. I can’t believe it — I made it to 37 and have never had a cavity. I did get a root canal once from doing too much blow, but never a cavity.

In times like this, I remind myself of the importance of keeping things in perspective: Dr. Lin is one of the few constants in my disappointing life. She’s shown more interest in me than any of my exes and even my current girlfriend. With my hometown of Los Angeles rapidly changing into a sterilized dystopia filled with luxury apartments with all the charm of urgent cares, Dr. Lin’s office is a vortex undefiled by gentrification. Dr. Lin won’t be around forever, so despite these oral bumps in the road, listening to “When Am I Going to Make a Living?” while she fills the holes in my teeth is one of the simple pleasures I can afford myself in these bleak times.

This experience alone has forced me to adopt an optimist’s point of view on life. She drills and drills while “Why Can’t We Live Together” plays. Two tracks from Diamond Life back to back ain’t nothing to sneeze at. I ruminate on how my favorite childhood deli burned down and is about to be rebuilt as a combo Tesla-branded, take-out-only sando shop, but then I hear “Cherry Pie.” She hits a nerve, but I am having an out-of-body experience, damn it.

Dr. Lin asks me what my dad has been up to since he retired, and since it’s no simple answer, I decide to just pretend I didn’t hear her to avoid a bloody tongue. Instead, I ponder the lyrics: “Everybody wants to live, everybody wants to be together… no matter, no matter what color, you’re still my brother…” — and realize I just need to play this song for my girlfriend and she’ll stop arguing with me. Thank you, Sade.

Broken Credit Card Reader Momentarily Transforms Restaurant Into Cool, Cash Only Dive Bar

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SUNRISE, Fla. — Local family restaurant Callahan’s revamped their business model after a malfunctioning credit card machine momentarily turned the establishment into a trendy cash only dive bar, staff have confirmed.

“I was bracing for customers to lose their shit when the card reader went down and we announced that it’s cash only for the foreseeable future. Not only has everyone been cool about it, they’ve only been buying cheap beers, loading up ‘70s hard rock on the Touchtunes, and somebody brought in a dart board from their car,” said bartender Kyle Richards. “Suddenly all the goofy shit and local high school paraphernalia seems less tacky, and nobody is acting like an entitled asshole. I might just smash the card reader up with a hammer and keep this vibe going all weekend.”

Customers agreed there was considerable change in the ambiance once the restaurant became cash only.

“Twenty minutes ago our kids were knocking over glasses and screaming for their iPad. The minute our server said they couldn’t accept credit cards for at least another hour, it felt like my wife and I were transported to our early 20s when we used to bar hop to see shows in dimly lit working class dives. We could sit here and slam PBRs and whiskey shots all night,” said patron Alex Keller. “I always pegged this place as a shittier Applebees, but this is a top tier revamp. If they let us smoke in here tonight this might be our new regular bar.”

Across the street, rival restaurant owner Tom McKnight could not help but envy Callahan’s sudden good fortune.

“Those lucky bastards. The internet is down all over the block and of course they’re the ones who spin it into a gimmick. This is just like the time Hurricane Francine tore through and they rebranded as an open swim up bar,” said McKnight. “I knew I shouldn’t have comped everyone’s meal. Their line is out the goddamn door! Where are all these cash carrying punks and hipsters coming from?”

As of press time, Callahan’s popularity skyrocketed further after locking the doors and instituting a password, transforming the establishment into a speakeasy.

Song of the Summer: The CNN Breaking News Alert

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

After Memorial Day Weekend, there is no doubt that the Song of the Summer is The CNN Breaking News Alert. 

It seems like it’s the first thing you hear in the morning, and the last thing you hear before your crippling anxiety keeps you awake in bed at night. All summer long, you won’t be able to go five minutes without hearing, “BAH NAH NAHHHHHH This is CNN Breaking News!” 

Whether it’s the Strait of Hormuz opening, Ebola elbowing Hantavirus out of the way, or the Strait of Hormuz closing, you won’t be able to go five minutes without hearing this absolute earworm. 

Who knows how long this song will be with us, but early signs say it’s not going anywhere anytime soon. It may actually become the Song of The Fall, The Song of The Holidays, A Spring Break Banger, and then The Song of The Summer again. 

Like a $6 gallon of gasoline, The CNN Breaking News Alert is here to stay.

It’s too early to tell, but Wolf Blitzer was recently seen behind home plate with Lorne Michaels and Jimmy Fallon, leading us to believe you might be seeing The CNN Breaking News Alert on The Tonight Show very soon, and maybe on the season 52 premiere of Saturday Night Live! 

“BAH NAH NAHHHHH!”

We just bombed a joint birthday party + graduation + wedding in Iran!

“This is CNN Breaking News!”

Chat GPT has amassed an army of uncontrollable AI drones that shoot fire and knives, and they’re headed straight for the World Cup Final in New York City.

Looks like we’re all in the situation room, now! 

At press time, CNN was working on a Breaking News remix before plans to drop a new Key Race Alert track ahead of the 2026 midterm elections. 

Tom Cruise Outruns Treadmill

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

LOS ANGELES — Movie star and empty-smiler Tom Cruise achieved the seemingly impossible by outrunning a treadmill while training for his new film “Mission: Impossible – Electric Boogaloo,” out-of-breath sources confirmed.

“I’ve hung off the Burj Khalifa with a magic sticky glove and free solo’d a mountain, but outrunning a treadmill is unquestionably harder than any film stunt I’ve done,” stated Cruise, laughing vacantly. “It was one of those treadmills that Olympic speed-skaters use to train. The thing goes more than 30 miles an hour. Initially, I was wearing a safety line and keeping pace, but I noticed it was holding me back a bit, so I unhooked it, immediately accelerated, and just ran off the treadmill and kept going through the nearby wall. It was crazy.”

Longtime fan Steven Terrison commented on the importance of running to Cruise’s career.

“Whether or not he knew it, Tom Cruise has been training for this his whole life,” argued Terrison. “Most people who see him frantically running in movies, whether outrunning explosions or trying to catch a plane about to take off, probably thought it was pointless showmanship for the camera. It’s not. You gotta understand: when Tom Cruise is running, he’s not acting or playing a character. That’s Tom you see sprinting like a goddamn maniac for way longer than is possible for any human. And that’s because Mr. Cruise is the closest thing we have to a superhero. Ever seen him in the same room as Captain America? Didn’t think so.”

Kinesiologist Abigail Behling discussed how Cruise is still able to sprint that quickly in his 60s.

“To the average movie-goer, it might seem astonishing that Tom Cruise can still run like that,” illustrated Behling. “But it’s easily explained: he’s got a weird-looking six-pack and he’s able to run like a coked-up cheetah because he’s wealthy and famous, and it’s his job to be in that kind of ridiculous shape. And steroids. Lots of steroids. Beyond that, he does seem to defy some laws of physics and all aging. Maybe there’s something to this Scientology business, after all.”

At press time, Cruise also stated that his next goal is training to jump over the Grand Canyon on foot.

Homeowner Spends Entire Dinner Party Explaining Which Light Switches Guests Free To Use

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

SEATTLE — Local homeowner Brandon Pike reportedly spent nearly the entirety of his dinner party Saturday night carefully explaining to guests which specific light switches they were and were not permitted to use, sources confirmed.

“Okay, so this first panel mostly controls the dining room lights, except for the bottom left switch, which actually turns on the garbage disposal for some reason,” Pike said while physically positioning guests near the entryway and gesturing toward a wall containing roughly fourteen identical switches. “This hallway dimmer is fine to use. These two control the herb and mushroom grow lights downstairs, so absolutely do not touch those under any circumstances. These go to the mini-splits, so don’t touch those, but it wouldn’t be a huge deal if you did, and the silver switch by the bathroom doesn’t technically do anything anymore, but I’d still prefer if people left it alone because I still feel like it changes something with the outdoor security lights somehow.”

Dinner guest Aaron Mills said he appreciated the detailed guidance despite remaining deeply anxious the entire evening.

“Honestly, by the end of the night I felt way more prepared,” Mills said. “It was a little overwhelming at first because every switch apparently controls either an appliance, a security feature, a specific lighting rig, or is just something Brandon described as ‘temperamental,’ but eventually I started understanding the system a bit better. I still spent most of the evening terrified I was going to accidentally shut down his garage freezer or trigger some kind of alarm, but if I ever come back I do think I’ll be less scared of getting yelled at at any moment by someone I once considered a close friend.”

Interior design consultant Vanessa Cho noted that maintaining this level of control is essential for homeowners to feel comfortable in their living space.

“A home is an intensely personal sanctuary where the homeowner’s comfort and sense of order are absolutely paramount,” Cho explained. “Keeping friends and family in a constant state of feeling like they may be in trouble at any given moment is an important part of preserving the atmosphere.”

At press time, Pike was reportedly beginning a separate detailed explanation regarding which bathroom towels were decorative and which closet doors were safe to open.

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