Opinion: I’d Make a Far Better CEO of McDonalds Because I Can Choke Down Four of Those Burgers Even When I’m Crying and Listening to Enya While Stuck in Traffic in My 94 Honda Civic

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

When did CEO’s get so soft? I grew up being led to believe that to get to the top of the corporate hill, you had to demonstrate leadership, grit, and determination, no matter what kind of pressure and scrutiny you were under. So, imagine my disgust when I saw current McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski take a bite of the new Big Arch as if he was afraid of it suddenly springing to life and stealing his soul.  

That bite was pathetic and unbecoming of the figurehead of the largest food retailer the world has ever known. What that company needs is a real consumer. What they need is someone like me. A man who can unhinge their jaw like an anaconda and stuff those chemical waste burgers down their throat in a way that’s functionally identical to force feeding a foie gras goose and do it all while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock with tears streaming down their face as Enya’s ethereal tones transport them to a world less riddled with pain.

How can someone making untold millions per year not even be an enthusiastic face of their brand? Isn’t it a far better investment to have a CEO who can ravenously hork down their slop under any condition? And I mean any condition? I can eat those miniaturized, portable radioactive landfills in airports, at funerals, churches, weddings, quincerañeras I wasn’t invited to, court dates, or even the most chaotic gender reveal party. But don’t take my word for it, McDonald’s. Feel free to reach out to any of my friends or colleagues for references. None of whom will dare to carpool with me because, as previously touched upon, I regularly grief eat anywhere between four or nine Big Macs during my rush hour commute home, all as I play “May It Be” on repeat causing me to once again relive Boromir’s death as I sit in my ’94 Honda Civic while eating and sobbing like a little fat girl.

My schedule is wide open, McDonald’s. The ball is in your court. Because if all that I’ve said doesn’t assure you of my bona fides, I’m not sure what will.

Mamdani’s Luxury Property Tax Forcing More Billionaires To Choose Between Clone Organ Harvesting or Private Gladiatorial Arenas

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — NYC’s wealthiest property owners are expressing growing concern today as Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s new pied-à-terre tax is forcing more of them to forfeit such daily expenses as human sushi trays and excursions to islands where you hunt man for sport “just to make ends meet,” sources close to the billionaire community report. 

“This tax is an outrage!” said hedge fund CEO Alvin Sharpe, owner of a large Manhattan penthouse that’s virtually empty most of the year. “The way things are going, I might be forced to choose between my private jet with a perfect replica of my childhood bedroom, or my prized human chess board where the ‘pieces’ actually fight each other. What’s the point of being in the Epstein class if you can’t be classy?!” 

A spokesman representing an anonymous collective of wealthy NYC property owners has issued the following statement: 

“On behalf of New York’s wealthiest elite, we urge you, do NOT go to https://dreamfornyc.com/action and sign the petition to the governor calling for more taxes on the ultra-rich. No one who can afford to have Taylor Swift sing them to sleep three nights a week should ever have to face the horror of paying their fair share.” 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Bodyguard Jumps in Front of Politician To Block JD Vance Endorsement

Posted on by Sean Fallon

WASHINGTON DC. Bodyguard Jack Hershaw is being hailed as a hero for leaping in front of Senate hopeful Bob Russell to block an endorsement from JD Vance.

“I saw the endorsement coming and the training just kicked in,” said Hershaw, who is currently being kept in hospital for observation to see if getting hit with the endorsement will cause him to become a big, stupid, fucking loser. “It all happened so fast, but I saw JD Vance coming, and in that moment, I had to make a split-second decision. Luckily for Mr Russel, I decided to put myself between him and the potentially career-ending endorsement from Vance.”

Other victims of JD Vance’s endorsements praised the heroism of Hershaw, as they themselves hadn’t been so lucky when the endorsements started flying.

“It ruined me,” said Viktor Orban, an unemployed former Prime Minister who is still recovering from the endorsement. “I was in power for 16 years, but that all ended in an instant when I was on stage and in front of thousands of people, a JD Vance endorsement hit me right in the polling numbers. You never expect something like that to happen, and when it does its hard to pick up the pieces afterwards. My wife had to sit my children down and say, ‘Daddy won’t be the autocrat of this country anymore.’ She had to tell them the bribes and the backhanders were stopping, and it was all because of a single JD Vance endorsement. To be fair, my children are all adults, so they should be aware of these events anyway, but you get my point.”

Hershaw’s brave actions have brought to light the dangers of a JD Vance endorsement in the political sphere. 

“This is a brand new weapon,” said political scientist Demi Adebayo, an expert on lethal endorsements and their effects on candidates. “We’ve seen poisonous endorsements in the past, and in recent years, a Donald Trump endorsement can be fatal for a campaign 50% of the time. But with a JD Vance endorsement, the fatality rate for campaigns is like nothing we’ve ever witnessed.”

On a Truth Social post, Trump has called Hershaw a sad loser and denied plans to have JD Vance endorse democratic candidates in the upcoming midterm elections. 

Every Member of the “Midnight Society” Ranked by How Much I Resent Them for Not Letting Me In

Posted on by Steve Packosky

In November 1992, I was led blindfolded into the woods at the tender young age of 13 with the hopes that my spooky story “The Tale of the Ritualistic Disembowelment” would grant me admission into the coveted Midnight Society. I’d been crafting this yarn for months and believed it to be absolutely perfect. However, the pretentious little shits who invited me out there begged to differ, and unanimously voted to bar my entrance into their stupid fucking club. Here’s every one of these pricks ranked by the level of resentment I still have for them.

7.) Betty Ann

Betty Ann was actually pretty nice to me, but she looked really uncomfortable throughout my entire narrative, particularly during the part where the cannibalistic maniac slips and impales himself on his own knife while he’s reveling in the exposed entrails of his last victim. Don’t get me wrong: I still hate her, but I do kind of feel bad that I exposed her to such a graphic story, and in retrospect, the accompanying photos I had nabbed from actual crime scenes weren’t entirely necessary.

6.) Kristen

Kristen actually wasn’t conscious during the vote because she vomited and fainted during my story, which is a little dramatic if you ask me. Nonetheless, her inert body slumped in front of the fire likely influenced the others out of my favor.

5.) David

This fragile little petunia left in the middle of the necrophilia scene, claiming to have a family emergency. My dude, it’s not like you had a cell phone, so how could you have known? Anyway, I saw him slip a note to Gary on his way out, and I’m pretty sure it was a “no” vote. What a turd.

4.) Kiki

I specifically didn’t give my story a happy ending because I knew she didn’t like them, and she STILL votes no? So fucking weak, dude.

3.) Frank

I can tell you first-hand that Frank’s supposed toughness is a total facade. Dude can’t even handle a little forced coprophagia, which I included as a subtle nod to the works of Pier Paolo Pasolini. I swear to Christ, I’ve got to be the most under-appreciated kid in Nickelodeon history.

2.) Eric

Ugh, just look at that insufferable little brat. I fucking detest everything about him.

1.) Gary

Gary furrowed his brow and looked condescendingly over his glasses at me the entire time like some sort of disapproving father. Why the fuck did these idiots let him boss them around so much? Anyway, this wannabe sovereign certainly got what was coming to him two weeks later when I dumped a bunch of rotting pig meat in his mom’s Windstar. Looks like I got the last laugh, Gary, you fucking asshole.

Friend of Polycule Beginning to Feel Like 7th Wheel

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CLEVELAND — Friend of local polycule Devin Dietrich admitted to feeling “left out” during platonic activities that don’t require seven participants, ethically non-monogamous sources confirmed. 

“Me, Marnie, Jacob, Amina, and White Jacob have been really good friends since high school. But it was only after they all decided to go with each other to prom that I started to feel left out,” explained Dietrich. “Like yeah, being friends with a polycule was kinda different, but there was still plenty we could do together. But then, Marnie and WJ started hooking up with Geech and his partner, Mars Rover, and I can’t help but feel like a seventh wheel. Also, seriously, everybody wanted to fuck each other except me? Like, I’m not interested, but also, what did I do? I’m good-looking. I bathe.”

Polycule member Amina Guerra provided her perspective on Dietrich’s misgivings.

“Devin’s square peg status is never more apparent than on Wednesday nights, which is when we play other polycules in our intramural roller hockey league. Naturally Geech is the goalie because he’s got the pads, then the five us switch between defense, wing, and center. There’s just no room for a seventh player who’s not romantically linked with at least one of us,” said Guerra. “We’re not trying to leave him out, we just feel Devin doesn’t possess the emotional maturity to be a part of a polycule. He would get all jealous and insecure, instead of doing the healthy thing and stuffing those feelings deep inside and pretending they don’t exist.”

Relationship expert Todd Dart explained the difficult dynamic of polycules and outside acquaintances. 

“As a polycule grows and becomes more insular, many forget about the collateral damage caused by non-monogamy. In particular, all the casual friends who just wanted to get a beer or play Mario Party without it becoming a cuddle puddle or a fight over who drank the last of the oat milk,” said Dart. “This is why I have proposed a completely new and original dynamic — the non-sexual polycule. This is a group of hinges and metas, but they do not engage in romantic or sexual activities. Instead they simply bond over shared interests and experiences, before returning to their own homes and relationships. And actually, this idea is totally different from a regular-ass friend group. So don’t call it that.”

At press time, Dietrich was left disappointed after receiving a phone call from the polycule; not to hang out, but instead requesting help after all six of their ponytails became tangled.

L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

CLICHY, France — Cosmetics giant L’Oreal revealed that it will begin testing its makeup on only the hideous rabbits that need it, describing it as a more humane and results-oriented approach to their product development, sources confirmed.

“When a rabbit is already conventionally attractive, there’s simply less value in applying mascara or foundation,” said L’Oreal spokesperson Camille Durand. “By focusing on the rabbits that are, frankly, a bit harder to look at, we can better demonstrate the transformative power of our products and give those animals an opportunity to see meaningful improvement to their otherwise undesirable appearance. This approach allows us to clearly see the before-and-after results while maximizing the visual impact of each application. We believe this is the most ethical and practical way to approach cosmetic testing, and we hope other manufacturers will follow suit.”

Animal activists praised the policy as a step forward in reducing unnecessary harm.

“Historically, the public safety testing process for cosmetic supplies has been needlessly arbitrary and inhumane for the good-looking rabbits,” said animal welfare advocate Denise Harper.” When giant corporations are performing these cosmetic tests on a massive scale, it simply makes sense to prioritize the uglier, more homely rabbits who need to look better, where it actually serves a purpose, instead of putting already beautiful animals through procedures that do not benefit anyone. For too long, smoke show animals have been the focus, while the ones who desperately need help are ignored. This policy finally recognizes that these animals are deserving of love and compassion, even though they are unsightly.”

Animal scientists noted this new business practice aligns with the fundamental goals of cosmetic application.

“Targeting rabbits that clearly need the help is both logical and efficient,” explained animal behavior researcher Dr. Elliot Vaughn. “Cosmetics are designed to improve appearance, so testing them on attractive subjects doesn’t measurably improve the well-being of the animal. Focusing on the less hot mammals mirrors how these products are intended to function in real-world scenarios. In controlled studies, we’ve seen improvements in social engagement, reduced stress behaviors, increased social acceptance and group integration, and they objectively look sexier.”

At press time, L’Oreal confirmed it had also begun testing whether putting lipstick on pigs made them any more fuckable.

Venue Changes Name, Owner, Staff Mid-Show

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Attendees of a local punk show were left confused and disoriented after the venue changed its name, owner, and entire staff halfway through the opening band’s set, sources inside the building have confirmed.

“I think I’m having a mental breakdown. My friend is supposed to meet me here at what I’m positive is the Orpheum, but they called me and said the only building at this address is something called Bud Light Amphitheater. And now that I’m looking away from the stage, I don’t remember these security guards or bartenders being here 45 minutes ago,” said Chris Chapman. “And now my bank account just got hit with some new bullshit ‘convenience fee’ for the tickets! I want to speak to a manager, whoever they are, because I just saw the old one get thrown out the fire door.”

The venue’s new owner insisted the quick turnover is standard in the business.

“Our team acquires six venues per month so we can’t waste any time renovating and rebanding, and if that means gutting bathrooms and firing janitorial staff mid-performance, so be it. These people here tonight should be lucky the show is even happening. Had I not been stuck in traffic earlier the locks on the stage doors would’ve already been changed,” said Pyramid Capital CEO Vincent Wiliams. “Restaurants shut down and change hands overnight all the time, why can’t music venues? Listen, once I get my son out of rehab and hire him as the production manager everything will be fine, as long as he turns a profit.”

The band performing during the venue’s rebranding admitted it was just part of working in the music industry.

“Half the time we play a show we’ll arrive to a brand new staff that wasn’t there an hour ago. Hopefully it won’t be like our last gig, and all our beers don’t get tossed in the dumpster because they invalidated our rider three songs into the set,” said Death Magnet frontman Devin Pritchard. “The new guy could’ve at least kept on the sound and light guys from this afternoon so we wouldn’t have looked and sounded like shit, but we gotta wrap up this encore fast before they replace the accountant too and we don’t get paid.”

As of press time, the venue had already changed hands again right before the headlining band, and was scheduled for demolition to make way for luxury condos.

Roommate Technically Right But Doesn’t Need To Be a Little Bitch About It

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SEATTLE — Longtime resident of the self-styled “Vanguard of the Proletarian Bohemian Collective” Adam Stewart admitted that he was in the wrong about leaving dishes in the sink overnight, but that the roommate who pointed it out, Daniel Stranski, didn’t need to be such a little bitch about it, confirmed sources.

“Daniel’s so goddamned uptight everything, like if you put the toilet paper on the roll the wrong way, he turns it into a fucking Greek tragedy,” a flabbergasted Stewart was spotted telling anyone who would listen. “Yeah, I know dishes in the sink overnight is a pet peeve of his, but he knows I had to work double at Callaghan’s last night and would take care of it in the morning. Jesus Christ, it was just a bowl of cereal, which I rinsed by the way, and a spoon. He didn’t need to leave the bowl outside the door to my room like some sort of passive-aggressive psychopath.”

“That guy needs to get laid,” an exasperated Stewart added.

A third resident, Lisa McCaffrey, notes that the two have been at each other’s throats since long before she moved in.

“I’ve only been here for about six months, but there’s just some pre-existing bad blood between the two of them that seems Homeric,” McCaffrey stated while searching Craigslist for rooms for rent. “They’re always giving each other death stares that are really triggering for me and if one comes into the room and the other is there, one of them will immediately get up and leave. There’s some negative energy there that I just don’t have the headspace for. Especially since they started using me as a conduit of passing messages to the other. It reminds me of right before my parents got divorced.”

Experts note that the ongoing hostility between the two is perfectly natural as other people suck and human beings were never meant to live with other people.

“In a perfect world, we’d all have our own place and limit our interactions with others to handing off DoorDash deliveries,” reported social psychologist Anna Petrov. “Think about it, people are the worst. We’re loud, gross, and inconsiderate and outside of romantic relationships should not be forced to live together. Even then, how many harmonious couples have split after moving together?”

At press time, Stewart was spotted waiting outside the bathroom with a stopwatch and timing how long Stranski had been in there for future use against the whiny little cuck.

Trump to Guest Star on Upcoming Episode of “The Pitt”

Posted on by Dan Rice

BURBANK, Calif — President and part-time actor Donald Trump will make a guest appearance on an upcoming episode of medical drama “The Pitt”, according to sources close to the production. “From day one, we have strived for realism in our depiction of what it’s like to work in an emergency room,” said creator R. Scott Gemmill. “When I saw the post Trump made of himself depicted as what was clearly a doctor, I was nearly floored by the authenticity. The bilowy white shirt, the red robe, the divine healing light emanating from his left hand… he absolutely nailed the doctor look. I’m not a fan of his politics, but I had to cast him immediately.”

At press time, Trump was busy preparing for the role by crucifying himself.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.

Is He Even Good at This? 5 European Authoritarian Leaders Rob Schneider Has Failed To Keep in Power

Posted on by Dan Rice

When you think of the architects of the current global far-right movement, the first three people to come to mind are probably Deuce Bigelow, the “You can do it!” guy, and the “Making copies” guy. Then you remember that all three are one man, comedic mastermind Rob Schneider, and you think to yourself, “God, what range!” But with the recent defeat of Schneider-endorsed Viktor Orbán for Hungarian Prime Minister, it might be time to ask the unthinkable question: Is Rob Schneider’s geopolitical influence finally waning? 

This isn’t the first time The Hot Chick has failed to give the global march toward fascism some extra yards. Here are 5 authoritarians the legendary Happy Madison third-stringer has tried and failed to keep in power: 

Viktor Orbán

Let’s start with “you like-a de Juices?”’s most recent big L, longtime Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán. Schneider appeared in a campaign video for Orbán, endorsing the incumbent for his crusades against freedom of the press, education, and the arts. 

Orbán’s tenure was seen as something of a cornerstone of the modern far-right authoritarian movement, the man who crawled so Trump and Putin could fly drones, so to speak. His defeat is viewed by some as a major sign that the global far-right movement is beginning to crumble. What the hell, Rob?! We’re talking about the perceived might of fascism on a global scale here, not some cameo in Pups Alone, you need to show the fuck up on this one! 

Boris Johnson

Everyone knows “The Office” was originally a BBC show, but did you know that Britain once tried their own version of Donald Trump? While far more derpy than his counterpart across the pond, Johnson tried his best to run Britain the way Trump would have, right down to massively mishandling the COVID-19 pandemic. Johnson had to step down over controversies related to throwing parties during a nationwide ban on large gatherings, despite his many pleas of “You don’t understand… Rob Schneider was there!”  

Marine Le Pen

Rob is no fan of women, but when he heard she called muslim prayer on French soil a form of “foreign occupation,” he decided Marine Le Pen was one of the boys and endorsed her bid for President of France in 2022. She lost. What the hell, Richmeister?! 

Slobodan Milošević

Milošević’s downfall began with the loss of an election he himself called to be held early. Why would he compromise his stranglehold on the Serbian parliament in such a way? Because he thought he had it the bag, thanks to a campaign endorsement video from The Animal himself! After back-to-back slam dunks with Judge Dread and Down Periscope, Milošević figured Schneider’s support made him politically invincible. Somehow, he figured wrong. 

Benito Mussolini

A lot of people contest this one. It was made about a month ago, many years after Mussolini died, and Scheider was not in the most coherent state at the time. He was struggling to stay awake on stage at the Des Moines Funnybone, stumbling and staggering until his contractually obliged time was up, and it was pretty hard to tell what he was saying to begin with, but I swear at one point he said “Mussolini, get that guy in there!” and I think that should count.