Little Bit of Help Please! I’m the Man in the Box, and I’m a Little Concerned That Alice in Chains Forgot I Was Still in Here

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Look, the last thing I want to do is sound ungrateful for being the inspiration behind Alice In Chains’ first chart-topping hit. It’s truly been an honor, and from the bits and pieces that I can hear from outside of the box, it sounds like there’s a whole Seattle rock movement that’s really coming together! 

It’s just, I don’t know, it kind of sucks in the box. Almost like a gilded cage situation, if you will. I might even be a celebrity out there, but I don’t really have any way to enjoy it, ya know? I’m pretty lonely if I’m being honest. There used to be a time when some of the guys would like, crush up a handful of chips and kind of mash them through tiny slivers between the slats of the box and yell encouraging stuff like, “The song went gold!” and “We’re going to tour Europe!” But it’s pretty much been radio silence for a while now, and I must admit I’m getting a little antsy. It’s pretty hard to keep track of time in the box, but it feels like I’ve been in here for almost an entire year!

And look, if they just made the box a bit bigger so that I could fully lie down in it, I’d be willing to stay in here longer if the band needed me to for some reason. Like, I dunno, maybe a second song about the man in the box since the first one was so popular? I’ve been writing some lyrics, not sure if they’re any good though.

There’s just not much to do in the box, is the thing. And not to get too graphic, but as you can imagine, the amount of shit in here has only increased. I have a system to help with the shit levels, of course, a recycling system if you will. And again, not to get too graphic, but the lack of sustenance in the box all but necessitates the system. God, I’d give anything for those mashed-up pieces of chips right now.

I hope my wife and daughter are doing ok. At the end of the day, I’m doing this all for them. Surely they’re receiving royalties from the song, right? Layne’s a responsible guy, I’m sure he’s taking care of it all. Heck, they wouldn’t have given him the keys to the box if he wasn’t. What am I worrying about? I’m sure he’ll let me out of here once his schedule frees up.

JD Vance Greeted With Boos During Annual Visit to Wife’s Bedroom

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance was greeted with boos, jeers, and obscenities upon making a rare visit to the bedroom of Second Lady Usha Vance over the weekend, confirmed sources who decided to join in.

“Well look, as usual the fake news media is blowing this out of proportion,” said Vance before receiving a text from his mother that read “boo.” “I mean, who hasn’t been viciously booed by their family, friends, and complete strangers? Quite frankly, it’s the radical left losers receiving love and affection from their spouses who are destroying this country. Why aren’t we asking them why their wives always greet them with a warm embrace? These baseless attacks from so-called journalists are an attempt to distract from the president’s America-first agenda. Let’s hope that agenda also includes banning loved ones from sneering at the vice president.”

The loud incident at the vice president’s home drew the attention of nearby residents on an otherwise quiet night in Washington.

“I heard it from a quarter mile away,” remarked dog walker Jess Karlsberg. “It sounded like the Philadelphia Eagles’ stadium after a questionable call. My chihuahua clients went into a frenzy. I had never seen a dog experience secondhand embarrassment before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. The only thing that came close was when I heard the story of Stephen Miller getting booed by his first grade teacher.”

The vice president has been one of the leading voices condemning peaceful protests in recent months, leading critics to wonder if he will now condemn the peaceful protest of his own wife.

“Vance’s popularity has been on the decline for months, and we’re now seeing that his unlikeability extends to his own marriage,” political strategist Michael Sprow explained. “When you dig into the polls, some of his worst numbers are coming from inside the house. It will be interesting to see if the VP calls for any restrictions on the First Amendment rights of his family members. Gosh, I just can’t get over it. I can’t get over how much of a loser he is.”

At press time, Vance’s children were gathering in the family’s living room to boo their father upon his return. 

Canned Microbrew With Beautiful Artwork Shittiest Beer You’ve Ever Tasted

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OMAHA, Neb. — Hazy Cave, a microbrew you purchased at local bar Lucky’s, was the worst beer you had ever tasted despite the beautiful artwork displayed on the can.

“Oh Christ, can’t believe I was fooled yet again by a design,” you grimaced as you took another sip. “I was really psyched to try this because there was this gorgeous painting of a cave on the can that looked like something from the cover of a fantasy novel or stoner metal album. It tasted like a rotting grapefruit with hints of cardamom and tree bark, though. Honestly, microbrewers should spend a little less time on the drawings on their cans and a little more time on making beer that actually suits my exact palate. Jesus, I would prefer a lukewarm Miller Lite pounder to that. That’s the last time I order a microbrew based on illustration. Next time I’m just going for highest ABV.”

Brewer Preston Corbin proudly described his new product.

“This is by far the best product we’ve ever brewed,” Corbin gloated. “We contracted with an incredibly talented graffiti artist here in Omaha to design the beautiful artwork on the can. You can see the vibrant mist coming off the cave in the painting, and its slightly open mouth acts as symbolism for the act of drinking the delicious beer contained within. Of course, we spent so much time on the can that the beer itself was kind of an afterthought, but our signature process ensured that our customers get to enjoy the same high-quality product they’ve come to expect from us.”

Brewing expert Cecilia Flores weighed in on the situation.

“It’s common knowledge that the vast majority of microbrews are bullshit IPAs that all taste the same,” Flores commented. “But a lot of people who wouldn’t otherwise drink them will sometimes get fooled by beautiful artwork on the cans. The rule of thumb is typically the better the artwork, the worse the beer. Microbrew manufacturers will often spend far too much time designing their cans and not nearly enough time brewing quality beer, and consumers will end up shelling out $8 for a can of beer that’s worse quality than a Rolling Rock.”

At press time, Corbin had fired all of his brewers so he could hire a team of artists for future can designs.

Sovereign Citizen Makes Exception for Costco

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PULLMAN, Wash. — Sovereign citizen Ken Rodgers made an exception to his lifestyle of not contributing to the government with his weekly trips to Costco, sources report.

“All state, local and federal government institutions are illegitimate and therefore have no right to impose their rule on me,” Rodgers confidently confirmed. “I don’t have a driver’s license and my Ford F-150 isn’t registered, and there isn’t a thing anybody can do about it. I’m proud to not contribute to any of the revenue taken in by the crooked corporate organization that calls itself the government, with the exception of the 8% tax that’s taken out of my purchases here at Costco. I just enjoy those Boulder Canyon chips too much to keep from coming out here and getting some shopping done every week.”

Employee Craig Weathers was confused by Rodgers’ habits.

“This guy comes in here every week and rants to me about how common law was replaced by commercial law shortly after this country’s founding while I’m ringing him up,” Weathers said. “I’m just like, dude, I don’t care, and I don’t understand why you’re telling me this while I’m running your Cheez-Its and Mountain Dew Code Red through the scanner. Doesn’t this dude understand how sales tax works? Every time he makes purchases here he’s giving money to the government that he thinks doesn’t have rightful authority. If he was really adamant about his batshit views, he would be living completely off the grid and growing his own crops instead of buying Pop-Tarts every week.”

Political scientist Sandra Brewer provided her insight on the matter.

“Unsurprisingly, there’s a lot of hypocrisy in the lifestyle of so-called sovereign citizens,” Brewer reflected. “Clearly our government isn’t functioning in the best way right now, but bullshit conspiracy theories are never a good substitute for actions like voting, protesting for policy reform, or running for public office. If this guy really believed that the rules governing our society don’t apply to him, he wouldn’t be doing things like driving on taxpayer-funded roads to do his grocery shopping. Also, if he thinks that he’s not subject to the laws of this country, he wouldn’t have registered for a Costco membership, and he would just be walking out of the building without paying for his groceries.”

At press time, Rodgers also made an exception for Wendy’s after spotting one on his way home.

Man’s Veneers Way More Disturbing Than His Old Teeth

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — A local man’s decision to replace their rotting teeth with shiny white veneers backfired as they turned out to look way more disturbing than his natural smile, grossed out friends have reported.

“I did a shitty job taking care of my original teeth up until now, but I only got veneers so I wouldn’t look like some kind of halitosis demon when I smiled in public. And for a few minutes after the procedure I felt like a normal person again until people started cowering and running away. And that one guy was being a little dramatic when he pulled out a cross and started yelling at me in Latin, honestly,” said Troy Weathers. “Admittely they do look a little out of place the more I look in the mirror, like an alien put on my skiing and then 3D printed teeth. I wonder if it’s too late to get them taken out and replace them with some yellowed dentures? It might be more on brand for me.”

His friends were unanimous in their disapproval of his new look.

“He looks like Mr. Potato Head after rolling down the uncanny valley. When Troy’s mouth looked like Shane MacGowan’s, he at least had personality. Now he looks more like a haunted doll that wished to come to life, or some kind of prototype android a scientist hasn’t gotten just right,” said Caitlin Connors. “I can’t even look him in the face without gagging. So what if he was missing half his teeth before, his mouth told a story of bar fights, cheap beer, and intermittent brushing. Better his mouth look like a gutter than a toilet seat.”

Weathers’ veneer technician admitted the process was not without its flaws.

“This industry has a lot of ‘gray areas’ when it comes to ethics. So if people want to take the easy route to whiter teeth I’ll do it, no questions asked. But there’s something like an 80% chance patients will come out of the procedure looking like one of those cartoonish boardwalk caricatures or the bad guy from ‘Poltergeist II,’” said technician Gary Thompson. “If folks want to pay me to install the equivalent of halogen headlights in their mouth, who am I to tell them how to spend their money?”

As of press time, Weathers began ripping out his veneers with pliers after receiving offers from multiple traveling circus freak shows.

ICE Agent Unsure How to Conduct Pat-Down Without Leaving Bruises

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

ATLANTA — ICE agents deployed by President Trump to assist with airport security amid the partial government shutdown are reportedly unsure how to pat down alleged criminals without causing significant bodily harm, sources wearing wrap-around sunglasses report. 

“We’re barely trained on how to do our actual jobs, which is fine since I already know how to throw a solid right hook,” said ICE agent Alex Guerra, who was hired five months ago after seeing a recruitment advertisement on Spotify. “But airport security is an entirely different beast. I’ve already gotten yelled at five times for ‘using too much force’ during my pat-downs. How was I supposed to know old ladies bruise that easily? They’re the ones smuggling Werther’s and god knows what else through our nation’s great airports.”

TSA agents nationwide already claim ICE’s presence disrupts their own already-difficult jobs.

“It’s bad enough that I’ve been working without pay for over a month, but now I’m stuck training these buffoons for nothing in return,” TSA officer Seth Farley said after throwing a traveler’s laptop into a plastic bin. “It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even hear myself yelling at people to take their shoes off over the sound of them beating the shit out of people. Travelers are only supposed to leave our patdowns feeling a little violated, not looking like they just had a heated argument with Taylor Frankie Paul.”

Despite the backlash, President Donald Trump remains confident the ICE presence will prove helpful to airport staff amid increased callouts due to the shutdown. 

“Our ICE agents are frankly some of the toughest people we have in terms of security and getting rid of criminals,” Trump said while boarding Air Force One. “The TSA should be thanking them for all the hard work they’re putting in. Some of those people our ICE guys have to pat down, well, they’re not my type, that’s all I’ll say. You say you look bad because an ICE guy beat you up, I say that’s fake news. Most of these nut jobs were barely 3’s or 4’s before the bruises, if those even happened. They’d be lucky to have ICE rearrange their faces a little before they go to the beach for spring break. Which reminds me, I wasn’t on the island, and I didn’t see anything bad happen because the sun was too bright!”

At press time, ICE agents were unavailable for comment as they were busy helping baggage handlers break wheelchairs and walkers on the runway.

Portland Barista Fired After Failing To Display ‘The Little Prince’ Tattoo 

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local barista Mark Redmound was fired from his barista position last month for failing to display his tattoo depicting “The Little Prince,” confirmed sources who began rolling up their sleeves in hopes to keep their jobs.

“I guess I forgot their policy that requires us to display all literary-related tattoos at all times, even on microdose breaks,” said Redmound, who has admittedly never even read the novella. “Not to mention I had bronchitis, but couldn’t call in sick because I’m behind on two months of rent. I figured it was okay to wear long sleeves just this one time. I made up for my lack of visible tattoos by showing my septum piercing. Yet still, my fake-ass manager had the audacity to call me out in front of all the customers at peak hour. I’m taking legal action.”

Manager Holly Raintree was more than willing to defend his actions.

“We believe in fairness and giving people the benefit of the doubt here at Village Bicycle. Despite his lack of service industry experience, Mark had a tattoo of the fox from ‘The Little Prince’ and that’s worth three years of barista experience alone,” Raintree commented before firing another employee for failing to display their tattoo of a nautical compass. “We have a reputation to maintain. It became clear that Mark is not the team player we thought he was when we hired him. Either way, he has lost his 10% off third Tuesdays employee discount privileges.”

Redmound is now seeking the legal services of local attorney Debra Fong. 

“I have specialized in aesthetic-based wrongful termination cases for over 15 years, and when I saw Mark smoking a cigarette and crying across the street from my office, I knew right away,” said Fong while slurping ramen out of a leather boot. “When Maya told me he was fired for covering up the tattoo, I assured him it was at least the tenth wrongful termination case involving the cover-up of a ‘Little Prince’ tattoo I’ve been involved in—and the sixth involving the fox character in Northeast Portland alone.”

At press time, the coffee shop was boarded up after several Yelp and Google reviewers complained the atmosphere was not the same anymore.

Crap! Charon the Ferryman Only Takes Crypto Now

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I wish I could see the looks on the faces of everyone who mocked me for believing in Greek mythology right now. They called me mad, out of touch, and possibly insane, but I only see one person here at the River Styx who was hit by a city bus. And the coin I kept under my tongue at all times as fare for Charon the Ferryman is my ticket to escort me down the river to Elysium for an eternal afterlife full of wine and tits. At least, that’s what I thought. 

Apparently, I missed an update to the T&C of the gods, because Charon has ditched the “obol” in favor of going exclusively with being paid in cryptocurrency.

For those of you who slept through history class (or didn’t play God of War), Charon is the intrepid Love Boat captain who ferries souls to the afterlife, and until he so rudely prevented me from boarding, fare only cost a single coin.

Now that I think about it, seeing his grizzled visage adorned in a Patagonia vest should have been a dead giveaway that something was off. It’s well established that Charon is a cranky asshole, but I didn’t have him pegged for an insufferable crypto bro. What insufferable bro chewed his ear off about the blockchain? Fuck, I bet it was Hermes. You can’t be the god of commerce and thievery and not probably start a podcast to rope everyone around you into a crypto ponzi scheme.

And I didn’t appreciate him rolling his eyes at me when I asked if Erebus has one of those crypto ATM’s. Hell, this isn’t even a tangible currency! What was I supposed to do, carry a hard drive full of Doge with me at all times? Gods, spare me from having to hear about Coinbase again.

At this rate, I’m doomed to spend the next 100 years aimlessly wandering the shores of the river with the other souls who didn’t blow their life savings on meme coins. The worst part is seeing all the assholes who can pay the fare tap their damn phones against Charon and floating off into the afterlife. I feel like an idiot.

Whatever, it could be worse. I overheard Sisyphus is no longer pushing a boulder, but is constantly forced to buy Bitcoin at the dip for a spike that’ll never come. Now that’s what I call hell.

Bruce Springsteen Hires Guitarist To Play Anytime He Starts Telling a Story

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PRINCETON, N.J. — Shore-rock legend Bruce Springsteen confirmed rumors Thursday that he’s keeping guitarist Ray Barone on retainer to accompany him anytime he launches into a story, confused sources reported. 

“I guess it’s because I’m old and I don’t want to lug around my Martin D-35 everywhere like I’ve been doing since ‘The River.’ Also I’m wealthy, so I can afford to keep this guy around for whenever that ‘Springsteen silence’ comes on,” said the veteran songwriter. “That’s when I stare into the distance and give my little cue that I’m about to tell the one about crashing my motorcycle or failing my physical for Vietnam or ruing the loss of a particular coffee yogurt I like at Wegmans. Lately these stories have fallen flat a cappella. But now I have Ray.” 

Barone, a retired drivers-ed instructor from Freehold, N.J., now trails Springsteen with a guitar and amp Tuesday through Sunday nights. 

“Initially there was a lot of confusion, and then trial and error. Sometimes I would play anytime Bruce opened his mouth, which had me playing for things like, ‘I’m just running out to T.J. Maxx for their President’s Day sale’ or ‘Who forgot to change the toilet paper?’ And then there was the time I made the mistake of playing acoustic during an argument he had with his manager Jon Landau. Bruce later advised he wants me to go electric in those moments.” 

While the accompaniment adds a boost to increasingly weary or long-winded stories, not everyone is supportive of the addition—least of all Patti Scialfa, the Boss’s wife of 34 years. 

“It’s so, so irritating. I keep telling him we don’t need Ray around all the time. Like the other night we were lying in bed and Bruce was recounting our first trip to the Irish coast. Out of nowhere I hear a G chord, then a D, and then suddenly, Ray is rising up from beside the bed—on my side. I was like, ‘Seriously?’ We ended up watching ‘My Cousin Vinny’ with Ray, just in case Bruce wanted to pause it and tell a story. But Bruce fell asleep, so Ray and I ended up watching it. Ray liked it quite a bit—but that’s not the point!” 

At press time, Springsteen was auditioning saxophonists to solo during moments he couldn’t think of anything to say. 

Worst Person You Know Discovers Phrase ‘Living My Truth’

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

SAN FRANCISCO — The absolute worst person you know has unfortunately happened upon the phrase “living my truth” and is currently on a rampage throughout the region justifying every single thought and action by weaponizing the aforementioned buzz phrase common in misappropriated therapy jargon, confirmed sources.

“Look, I am all in favor of people living authentically, whatever that means,” you said. “Expressing yourself is important, but this person has been nothing but rude since we started working together, and now they just blurt out insane thoughts at meetings and speak in sentences that sound like the worst advice you’ve ever seen on some random dipshits Instagram. Also, they yelled at the person who delivered the office lunch the other day because ‘hunger was guiding their emotional wellbeing’ or some shit? Unreal.”

When asked about their alleged sociopathic tendencies since learning of the phrase, the worst person you know was quick to respond.

“First of all, your accusation isn’t in alignment with me, okay? It makes me feel dysregulated and that’s literally violence. Second of all, I didn’t hear that from therapy because therapy is for pussies and also backed by big pharma. Also, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to about me, but I’m going to find out and then I’m gonna slash their tires because anyone with anything negative to say about me is trying to use their toxicity to dull my shine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an entrepreneur’s conference to attend.”

Former clinical psychologist Amanda Ruthkin has had just about enough of these types of phrases. 

“Regrettably, this is all too common behavior,” said Ruthkin. “I actually had to quit my job over this garbage because it’s become very fashionable to not do any meaningful inner work at all, grab the nearest distilled nonsense that already agrees with your terrible personality but is phrased in a way that sounds like growth, and then just use it to become an even shittier person while simultaneously thinking that you’re an enlightened being. I’m not surprised at all to learn that the worst person I know is up to this behavior.”  

At press time, the worst person you know was seen adding “empath” to their Instagram bio.