Once in a while, we as a society recognize a bass player for their musicianship. But they often get completely overlooked for their performance on long road trips. That’s the real shame. This is why we took it upon ourselves to rank 50 bass players by how well they’d handle 40 hours in a car with a complete stranger.
50. Mike Huckabee
There is no way in hell I’m sharing a vehicle with this man. But I guess if I absolutely have to, this would be my one and only opportunity to push this guy out of a moving car.
49. Gene Simmons
The Kiss bassist wouldn’t wear a seatbelt the entire time because, according to him, no one ever did back in his day. This is going to make me wonder how many other basic safety considerations he’s going to forgo on this trip.
48. Murdoc Niccals
The Gorillaz bassist would somehow run over several small animals while driving. It wouldn’t be until the third or fourth time he took out a possum that I’d start to think he was actually intentionally aiming for them. It’s really killing the adventure and wanderlust vibes.
47. Fat Mike
It’ll be six hours into this road trip before Fat Mike informs me that he doesn’t have a driver’s license. Then he’s going to tell me he forgot his wallet. Also his toothbrush, so he’ll have to use mine. Nothing but red flags.
46. Nikki Sixx
You just know Nikki smells like a combination of hairspray and cigarettes even though I’ve never seen him smoke. The Marlboro aromas are fine, but I draw the line at anything that smells like Axe Body Spray.
45. Krist Novoselic
Krist is 6’7” so he’s going to be so uncomfortable in my compact car. We’d have to stop every 20 to 30 minutes so he can get out and stretch his legs. Road trips are typically more suitable for short kings.
44. Duff McKagan
The Guns N’ Roses bassist has been sober for decades, so I feel like he’s going to judge me when I crack open a few drinks when it’s my turn to drive. I just function better when I’m a few beers deep. Is that so wrong?
43. Geezer Butler
The Black Sabbath bassist would complain about gas prices the entire time. Buddy, I know gas was a quarter per gallon in the ‘70s, but that was before the government allowed rampant corporate greed to take over. Get with the program.
42. Steve Harris
The Iron Maiden bassist would throw all of this trash on the floor even though I have a plastic bag for this exact purpose. At least he separates it beforehand. Recycling goes in the passenger side, general garbage in the back, and food scraps go out the window.
41. Sean Yseult
White Zombie’s bassist would want to bring her pet snake with her and it’d ride in the backseat. I’m going to be staring at that thing in the rearview mirror the entire time. She’s the reason I’d have to institute a stern “no reptiles” rule on future road trips.
40. Mike Herrera
The MxPx bassist would Instagram the entire trip, as if anyone cares we just hit Indiana. He’d even post reels like a total dork. I wouldn’t mind it so much, but he keeps using the hashtag #vanlife and it’s bothering me because we’re in a sedan.
39. Fieldy
The Korn bassist would be a fine companion on the road to a certain extent, but he’d only consume Red Bulls, Mountain Dew, and Five-Hour Energy the entire way. I’d never see him drink water and I’d start to get worried.
38. Jason Newsted
The former Metallica bassist would always need to turn down the radio when he was trying to concentrate on the road. I don’t understand why that would help, but I notice he mainly does it during pre-1986 and post-2001 Metallica songs, specifically.
37. Nikolai Fraiture
The Strokes bassist would prefer to sit in silence the entire time because he’s “not much of a music fan.” Just what am I supposed to pay attention to while driving?
36. Les Claypool
Les famously took bass to a whole new level. Unfortunately, he’s going to keep bringing that up the entire car ride. I’d have to pretend like I have to take a dump at every single rest stop just to get a break from him.
35. Gaye Advert
The Adverts bassist may be iconic in the punk world, but she’d want to hit every roadside attraction in the US. It doesn’t matter that the world’s largest ball of twine is three hours out of our way or the giant statue of Paul Bunyan’s ox is on the other side of the country, Gaye’s bucket list is somehow the priority.
34. Paul Simonon
The Clash bassist is extremely British. That means he drives on the opposite side of the road. I generally don’t have a problem with that, but US traffic cops might. Seems like more trouble than it’s worth.
33. Tina Weymouth
The Talking Heads bassist would pack several charcuterie boards full of cured meats, pâtés, and spreads. That’s fine and all, but she wouldn’t leave any room on the board for Funyuns, which is my go-to road trip snack.
32. Mike Watt
90 minutes into the excursion, the Minutemen bassist is going to ask “Are we there yet?” even though I told him beforehand that this was a cross country trip. Starting to think he’s never seen a map before. That must be why he didn’t seem to quite understand the concept of Wyoming.
31. Jerry Only
Jerry has a whole list of attractions he wants to see along the way, but they’re all Spirit Halloween stores. Jerry, I assure you that the Spirit Halloween in Nebraska has the same stuff as the one in New Jersey.
Somewhere between art rock and screamo lived Angel Hair. They were an awesomely weird band and the fact that they were from hippie-ass Boulder and not the screamo headquarters of San Diego makes them even weirder and more awesomer.
Duncan Barlow spent his youth in Louisville, Kentucky playing in quite a few notable hardcore bands like Endpoint, Guilt, and By The Grace Of God. But as an adult, he moved to Denver, got himself a fancy new hat, and began d.biddle fusing a type of alt-country with stringed instrumentation and emo.
There have been a lot more female-fronted political hardcore bands lately. It’s almost as if on a daily basis our society slips further into a Handmaiden-esque dystopia which for some reason has made a number of women angry, go figure. Keeping the flames of the discontent burning is relative newcomers Faim. Their brand of raw, politically-charged hardcore serves as a soundtrack to smashing the fuck out of the patriarchy.
There came a time in the early 2000s when the math-y, hectic style of hardcore started to reach embarrassing lows (remember those fucking “crabcore” bands?) But there were some bands still holding it down and destroying stages and eardrums. Fear Before The March Of Flames was one of those bands.
Probably the only band on this list your mom approves of. And while they may sound like a cross between Sam Cooke and the sound of a craft distillery opening, they have deep roots in the indie and punk scenes of Denver. We dare you not to toe-tap along to their denim-drenched jams.
Not only do instrumental riff lords Native Daughters have not one, but two, drummers, both drummers play upfront live. They do a post-metal style much in the vein of Pelican and Isis but with the percussive elements taking literal center stage.
Oh look, yet another Colorado band that made our 
Even though their name might make them seem like a juvenile pop-punk band with songs about farting on your mom or whatever, this three-piece from Boulder was pretty serious. Their driving melodic guitar riffs coupled with Aaron Hobbs’ distinctive voice made them stand out from the other emo-tinged bands of the time. Two of the members would later form the more austerely named Acrobat Down.
The hardcore world was first introduced to Haley Helmericks with her backing vocals on Open Hand’s “Tough Girl.” She would later bring her deep atmospheric voice to form the dark-wave-infused Snake Rattle Rattle Snake and much like the actual rattlesnakes of the Colorado landscape, SRRS’ music feels like it could attack if you fuck with it too much.
While “Dawn of the Dead” is probably the best of the Romero zombie movies, “Day of the Dead” serves as a meditation on how different personality types deal with the end of the world, and how none of that matters because the military is a bunch of dickheads.
Dayton may be the ‘Birthplace of Aviation,’ but no one really cares about that anymore. Arguably more exciting is the fact that Dayton is the birthplace of Brainiac (or 3RAN1AC if you want to be a dick about it). Before their five-year run was cut tragically short by the untimely death of lead singer, Tim Taylor, they pushed the envelope on nearly every subgenre of punk and hardcore in existence. The band’s out-of-control sound has been cited to have influenced countless bands including, but not limited to; Nine Inch Nails, The Mars Volta, The Blood Brothers, and somehow even Muse (when they were good, we assume).
Among the first wave of punk acts to emerge in the late ‘70s, Dead Boys from Cleveland made their mark as one of the most chaotic and violent groups of the fledgling genre. Not unlike the multitude of Ohio residents who have never left their hometowns, the original iteration of the band would ultimately fall apart after releasing only two albums. An event equating to an unfortunate waste of a mountain of potential. Still their influence and legacy lives on, spawning sporadic reunions as a fresh lineup has been teasing new music since 2017.
Have you ever wondered what System Of A Down would sound like if they consisted of just a cello player and a drummer? Quit dreaming and listen to Cincinnati’s very own Lung. Performing as just a two-piece, the band manages to craft a lush and chaotic sound thanks to Kate Wakefield’s shredding effects-driven cello and operatic voice. Drummer Daisy Caplan holds down the fort with thudding dramatic beats. Together they make a racket so righteous you’d think they were from a respectable state.
Genre-bending pioneers and horndog legends Nine Inch Nails originated as the brainchild of Cleveland’s Trent Reznor. Despite Ohio’s legacy of agricultural innovation, Nine Inch Nails is largely responsible for popularizing and propelling Industrial Rock into the mainstream, though you would be apt to not mention that in front of Reznor or a farmer. The next time you listen to ‘Closer’ alone in your car like a depraved psychopath, consider how truly challenging it must have been for Trent to overcome such instilled Midwestern reservation to deliver the sex jam of the century.
A full two years before the masked metal band Slipknot emerged, Mushroomhead was already ahead of the curve regarding their costumed concept. In fact, the commonalities between the bands coupled with the suspected plagiarism committed by Slipknot lead to a chaotic feud that erupted in a violent 1999 tour-stop in Mushroomhead’s hometown of Cleveland, OH. As Slipknot took the stage, a horde of angry concertgoers began pelting the band with anything they could get their hands on, including (allegedly) a padlock that struck bassist Paul Dedrick Gray square in the face. All of this is apparently water under the bridge as each band claims fandom of the other, but one thing remains clear: Don’t fuck with Cleveland or you’ll get the padlock.
Columbus’s All Dogs formed as a bit of a supergroup featuring members of local legends, Delay, Saintseneca, and Slaughter Beach, Dog. Their sugary hooks mixed with their vulnerable lyricism made their debut album, ‘Kicking Every Day,’ an instant hit among those yearning for the next pop-punk explosion. While the band would essentially disappear for eight years after that review, rumblings in their camp have suggested a comeback may be on the horizon.
You don’t have to be a divorced middle-aged Dad to thoroughly enjoy The National, but it helps. Though technically formed in Brooklyn, New York circa 1999, the original lineup of the band was comprised entirely of members that claim Cincinnati as their home base. Since Brooklyn already has enough bands, we likely won’t get too much pushback here by rightfully claiming them for the Buckeye State. With captivating lyrics and delicately produced backbeats, The National remains one of the most revered contemporary alt-rock bands among very sad Midwesterners, and likely will for years to come.
This one is probably pretty obvious considering their massively popular and genre-defying single “Ohio Is For Lovers.” While Hawthorne Heights in no way invented or pioneered Midwestern Emo, we want to give Ohio a win here and fill our comment section with inflammatory retorts, so we’ll just go ahead and say it: Emo music did not exist until Hawthorne Heights released ‘The Silence In Black In White,’ making Ohio not just the birthplace for modern Emo, but the entire genre as a whole.