DANVERS, Mass. — An especially deep stage dive by local Garry Beverling established contact with long-fabled unsettling bioluminescent punks who thrive down there, sources confirmed amid shudders of fear.
“I had always heard of these wonders of the pit, but had never gotten a chance to see them with my own eyes. I took that leap from the stage, and got pushed further and further down, until I was face-to-face with these hideous, yet beautiful creatures. Glowing, with huge protruding teeth, and stark naked since they had never been able to make it to a merch table in their lives,” said DIY adventurer Beverling. “Oh, and I just want to say a big fat ‘I told you so’ to everyone who ever made fun of me for showing up to shows in an old-timey scuba suit. I knew it would pay off one day.”
One of the creatures in question delivered a message of curiosity by using a translation device provided by the American Oceanography Institute.
“The surface is a place we’ve long feared to tread. With its searing hot stage lights, and disconcerting rhythmic pulsations, we bottom dwellers know not of the land of live shows. We prefer the safety of the darkness down here…that’s what we tell ourselves, anyway,” remarked Deep Undercrowd Test Subject #1, codename ‘DUTS.’ “I must admit that someday I would very much like to feel the sour beer-encrusted air on my gills, and yell an ironic cover song for the ones onstage to play, and possibly elicit a faint chuckle from the one or two of my audience brethren. But for now, I’ll lurk on. For these depths are my home, and home is good. Plus, the drinks seem super overpriced up there. ”
Local wharf worker and known “old salt” Captain Harrison Bristols was quick to offer a tour of the under-pit to those who wish to venture there.
“Ay, to be sure, I can bring ye Hardened Timers a whole slew of those denizens o’ the deep fer interviewin’…for a price, that is! Why, me hearty crew of stout ‘n sturdy men are chomping at the bit to plumb whatever briny depths thar be to plumb,” said Bristols, as he twirled a harpoon just a bit too lackadaisically. “The brinier the better, we say! And plumb we shall, even the most treacherous of mosh pits in the most unkempt of basements. If the price is right, that is! And that right price? Oh…how about 60 bucks and whatever change we find down there? Sound good? Tight.”
At press time, the giant sperm whale that had gone unnoticed in the pit was eating half the audience.