LINCOLN, Neb. — Local post-punk revival band Shadow Impaction played to a record 128 mostly unwilling patrons at Frankie’s Den following a local tornado warning for the surrounding towns, report sources who wish they’d just stayed outside to be swept up by a fatal funnel cloud instead.
“Best night ever,” proclaimed Shadow Impaction’s oblivious lead singer, Tyson Overhill. “At first it was just the guys from the other bands in here and the one weird dude we always get. But then two songs in, all these people kept rushing in the door like they just HAD to see what this sick band was all about. Lots of them were really old, and a few were praying and crying for some reason. They just huddled in the stairwell, but we made more money than in the past 12 shows and hopefully they signed up for our email list, at least!”
Trapped attendees were appalled by the band and venue’s opportunistic approach to the weather emergency.
“Those criminals still charged for tickets!” fumed Marlene Kennett, Lincoln resident and grandmother of six, standing sandwiched between a graffitied pillar and an overflowing trashcan. “This place is a dump and I’ve never heard of Shatter Impact or whatever. As soon as I got the text alert, I ducked in here and it might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. Their music sounds worse than the tornado sirens outside. And then they had the audacity to price-gouge on shirts when they saw some people come in bleeding!”
Disaster preparedness expert Darren Pickering said that when a tornado hits, a packed, rickety basement music venue with numerous probable code violations is generally a poor shelter choice.
“Sure, you’re underground. But between the cheap extension cords dangling everywhere, the lack of exits, and the floors and walls weakened by years of disgusting liquids soaking in, I cannot recommend it,” he explained. “Plus, if it’s an F-5 headed straight at you and you’re going to die anyway, do you really want to go out listening to pretentious mediocre music sung by some guy in black skinny jeans like it’s 2004?”
At press time, Shadow Impaction had switched to playing acoustic renditions of its songs mid-set after the building was struck by lightning and lost power.