Press "Enter" to skip to content

Metalhead Asks Doctor If He Can Tune Tinnitus to D

PRESCOTT, Ariz. — Local metal enthusiast Griff Nilsson asked his doctor to adjust the persistent ringing in his ears to a pitch that was more in line with the kind of music he enjoys, sources who are tired of repeating themselves report.

“I’ve come to more or less accept the tinnitus,” said Nilsson while cranking up the volume on his white noise machine. “I go to a lot of loud shows and it just comes with the territory. I’ll always hear a constant tone—but why does it have to be such a wussy note? I was thinking it would be super cool if the ringing were like a heavy drone instead. Something real doomy, kind of like an early Earth gig in my brain at all times. At least then I might enjoy it.”

Audiologist Dr. Eric Earhardt agreed to initially evaluate Nilsson.

“A few years ago, I would’ve told Mr. Nilsson he was out of luck,” said Dr. Earhardt. “But thanks to recent advances with microsurgical instruments, in some instances we are able to tune a patient’s tinnitus to a more desirable pitch. A very low D note, in Mr. Nilsson’s case. He has also asked for the tone to be distorted. He played some selections by a musical group called Sunn O))) for me as a reference. It is certainly an unusual request, but I told him I would do my best. I just wish these dummies would wear hearing protection in the first place.”

Not everyone agrees that surgical intervention is the best way to deal with persistent tinnitus.

“This whole thing strikes me as daft,” said Devon Salisbury, lead guitarist for new-wave British heavy metal legends Piss Crypt. “Me n’ me mates have been dealing with this affliction for decades and have come up with a few tried and true methods for coping with it. For instance, if you get yourself good an’ blitzed on gin and cocaine, and then toss back a couple of ‘ludes, I guarantee you won’t hear no ringing no more—at least not till you come down. I also know of a veterinarian who makes a pharmaceutical cocktail that will turn your tallywacker into Cleopatra’s Needle, if you follow. What was we talking about again, guv?”

As of press time, Nilsson reportedly asked his doctor if it would be possible to rearrange his varicose veins so that they’d resemble the Darkthrone logo.