Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Relieved Sounds of Trumpets Echoing Through Town is Start of Apocalypse, Not Some Ska Band

CAPE MAY, N.J. — Local Punk Steve Tillman’s nerves were quickly put to ease recently after realizing the trumpets he heard blaring were merely angels sounding off the end of the world and not a band playing ska music, repenting sources report.

“I was at my apartment taking a piss when all of a sudden I could hear trumpets blasting as if they were right outside my window,” Tillman explained, adding he lives across the street from a venue that books “annoying” bands all the time. “The first thought I had was, ‘Goddamnit. It’s my only day off this week, and now I gotta hear shitty ska music at 8:30 in the morning.’ Then I quickly noticed the fire and blood rain, and then the four horsemen riding in the sky. I thanked my lucky stars it wasn’t a Reel Big Fish tour or some shit. I’m just glad my lease is up this month.”

The Angel who sounded the first trumpet had an inkling that this misunderstanding might occur.

“This is so embarrassing. I knew we should have proclaimed the end times with seven sick shredding guitar solos or something,” the Angel explained. “It was pretty obvious the inhabitants of this realm were going to confuse the six other Angels and I for a third wave ska band, and now we have to have that in the back of our minds while we cleans the Earth of sinners. The whole trumpet idea was perfect until about 25 years ago.”

Ska fan Dwayne Kilbourne talks about his own experiences with his preferred music genre and the religious world.

“Seems like every two years or so, there will be a few weeks where evangelical Christians will gather outside our band’s jam space,” Kilbourne said. “They must hear our horn section and think it’s the Apocalypse or something, because they all just stand there with their heads facing up, staring into the sun. I saw a seagull crap on some guy’s face one time, it was awesome. Where’s your god now, birdshit-brows?”

At press time, a second blow of the trumpets was eventually revealed to be Tillman’s downstairs neighbor watching the “Sanford and Son” opening credits at a very high volume.