The 1990s were filled with Friday night Blockbuster video game rentals, Pizza Hut’s Bigfoot pizza, and the only Woodstock that mattered, but now it’s hard to stay up past 10:30 p.m. and tomato sauce gives you heartburn. If any of this sounds familiar, you probably loved ‘90s music. And what wasn’t to love? The decade had all the best stuff: grunge, the golden era of hip hop, catchy pop, timeless alt rock, Limp Bizkit, and whatever the fuck music the Rusted Root sex commune made. The music is timeless, but you aren’t.
If you were crushed beneath the weight of a freefalling piano on an unassuming city sidewalk tomorrow, what would the dead-eyed weirdos you call a family do? They’d be fucking ruined! Lucky for you, the financial experts at the Hard Times are here to help you plan for the worst because you are a temporary cog in a global financial machine. (Listen to the full playlist)
30. “What’s My Age Again” by Blink-182
Karaoking this song with your friends is a great reminder that “Enema of the State” came out 25 years ago and your partner would have to put your dog down if you missed more than two consecutive weeks of work. Who can afford Beethoven III’s diet of three-skinned rabbits twice a day without a second income? So, what’s your age again? Aren’t you in your 40s? You should’ve taken care of this already because financial planning is so punk rock.
29. “Protect Ya Neck” by Wu-Tang Clan
Once upon a time, Wu-Tang was for the children. Now, Wu-Tang Clan is for the middle-aged suburbanite with 1.5 kids and questionable drinking habits. These Wu-Tang lyrics are a great reminder that you should get that thing on your actual neck checked out. It’s visible from across the room. Listen, we hope it’s nothing, but Josh Birdwell at Farm Bureau Insurance has some great bundles that would also protect your family’s necks.
28. “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows
Hanging out with Mr. Jones seemed cool when you were in your 20s. Who wouldn’t want a horny, older gentleman to sit at a bar and hit on women with you? Talking to those yellow-haired girls and drinking well vodka was great until one day you realize you’re the same age as Mr. Jones was back in the day and he’s been dead for ten years. Yikes! Aside from Mr. Jones’s inability to form meaningful relationships with people his own age, he had his shit more together than you do. Mr. Jones was a creep, but he occasionally stopped harassing young women in public long enough to get his affairs in order. What’s your deal?
27. “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba
Did you know that even a little alcohol can harm your health? Well, it does, and your idea of fun in ‘97 was having a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink back-to-back-to-back-to-back like some kind of hangover machine. Now that your indiscretions have caught up with you, you’d better start deciding the exact minimum you can pay to make sure your next of kin can narrowly escape poverty without you. Will your favorite bartender be your primary beneficiary or will it be your Uber driver? It’s a tough choice because they’re both such good listeners.
26. “The Perfect Drug” by NIN
And while we’re talking about substance abuse, let’s discuss the perfect policy underwriting for a person that took ecstasy and ate candy bracelets every weekend from 1996-1998. Right now, your body is a temple made of cream cheese and gingivitis, so you should pick a policy that doesn’t require a health screening. This “Lost Highway” soundtrack standout will help you find an insurance company willing to look the other way on your health because the company’s risk assessors can’t see you wearing leather JNCOs right now. And getting insurance isn’t a reason to put on your old mesh tank tops. They make you look like a smoked ham now.
25. “Room a Thousand Years Wide” by Soundgarden
You used to set 10k PRs in your sleep, but now your bedroom feels a thousand years wide when you have to pee in the middle of the night. The toilet feels so far. Who could blame you for peeing just a little bit in your bed? Definitely not Kim Thayil who’s probably an insurance salesman in Seattle now. What else could he be doing? I mean, unless he’s a branch owner/operator–which he could be. Lead guitar work definitely showcases a person’s capacity for management.
24. “The Jam” by A Tribe Called Quest
Hotboxing in a friend’s tinted-out Jetta on a Friday afternoon in the middle of June is no longer something you can do because weed makes you so paranoid you call the police on yourself. Calm the fuck down and listen to this song before you have a heart attack.Try to at least remember for a second that you used to be kinda cool even though you’re afraid to ask a woman wearing a wrinkled khaki power suit what autopay is.
23. “Broken Chairs” by Built To Spill
Did you know that broken chairs cause 17 deaths per year? Well, I actually made that number up, but you can imagine it, right? And now you can’t stop thinking about it, can you? How sturdy is the chair you’re sitting in? If it breaks, will one of the splintered legs go directly up your asshole and then out your belly button? Maybe. Probably not, but also maybe which is exactly why you should stand while looking over your policy options. Plus, your posture needs some work. Stand up straight.
22. “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” by Deftones
If you take the long way to the grocery store because you just need a little break from the kids, it’s time to take a hard look at the impermanence of all life on planet Earth. It’s fleeting as fuck, so just pick a life insurance policy and move on. Is there really that big of a difference between them? Who knows. If you play your cards right, maybe you can bundle your auto policy, too. That way you and your family can finally afford to road trip to where members of Deftones grow their medicinal cocaine.
21. “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia
Right now, this song feels like it’s about your lower back. You tried too hard in that rec league soccer game and woke up cold and naked on the floor. That doesn’t seem great for any insurance policy. You’re probably going to need to see a specialist, so find out how much your deductible is and whether or not your doctor will throw in some light butthole surgery while they’re just fishin’ around in there.
20. “Firestarter” by The Prodigy
Structural fires are awesome because they smell cool and reenergize your waning libido. Since you’re too cautious to actually burn a stranger’s house down, listening to this Prodigy classic is the closest you’ll ever get to living out your most erotic fantasy. But in the event that one day this song doesn’t scratch the itch, you should be sure you’re covered because lots of arsonists end up victims of their own kinky crimes.
19. “The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)” by The Smashing Pumpkins
This is the greatest Smashing Pumpkins song you’ve probably never heard. If you don’t pick a policy soon, this one-riff song will be the only nine minutes you don’t feel guilty for making your family use a Coinstar to finance your funeral.
18. “Windowlicker” by Aphex Twin
Nothing was more sexually confusing than seeing the cover of this album for the first time. The same can be said for the underwear movement you had when you realized that your new policy also gets you a discount at the local waterpark. It’s like puberty all over again.
17. “Full Clip” by Gang Starr
Besides being a great era for your hairline, the ‘90s was a golden age for your budding semi-pro skateboarding career. Listening to “Full Clip” hundreds of times helped you learn switch flip back tails which makes it the perfect song to play while you examine every company willing to offer your mustard-filled body life insurance. Gang Starr probably won’t help you pick between companies hoping you’ll pay them more money than they pay you when the wheels finally come off your hideous body, but it can’t hurt, either.
16. “My Name Is Jonas” by Weezer
Your name isn’t Jonas, Suzanne, or Rivers Cuomo, but that shouldn’t stop you from getting an amazing customer service experience. Sure, the agent can smell your infected cheek piercings from across the room and your vegan wayfarer glasses are completely off-putting, but these people are professionals. They can tell you’re serious about providing financial security for the children you see every other weekend unless there’s a good show and one of the opening bands needs a place to crash. They know that you, a person who has forgotten your own social security number, deserves to be treated with respect. These agents also know that it’s irresponsible to be nostalgic for the ‘90s without acknowledging American culture was intensely homophobic, racist, and anti-woman.
Short of kicking out Kelly’s boyfriends, Al Bundy doesn’t really take much interest in his kid’s lives. If it’s not Psycho Dad or something No Ma’am affiliated, the likelihood of him showing up to your show is pretty slim. After a long day of selling women’s shoes at the mall, which leads us to ask how in God’s name he was able to afford his house, a man is entitled to sit on the couch with his hands down his pants. As we get closer and closer to middle-aged, we’re starting to see why doing that is so appealing.
If it’s not related to sports, we can’t see Ray taking any sort of interest. His kids mostly seemed like they were background characters anyway, so who even knows if music is something they’d be interested in. The writers didn’t really do much in the way of exploring those characters beyond them being Ray and Debra’s kids, so that’s really more on the writers for not taking the time to develop them more. If anything, he and Debra should be using that time to attend couples counseling because that marriage was clearly on a downward slope.
To his credit, for lack of understanding his son (his words not ours) he is generally supportive of Bobby’s endeavors, even if it’s only as the result of Peggy forcing him to. But even the most supportive parents have their limits and we’re pretty sure that Hank Hill wouldn’t even qualify drone metal as music. Bluegrass, country, classic rock, and even the occasional boy-band are more his speed. Besides, he’d probably spend the whole evening complaining how asinine the whole thing is. You could try pointing out the pyrotechnics are powered by propane, but he may not approve of propane being used in such a manner and rat you out to the fire marshall.
Neither of the Griffin parents are an example of good parenting. Given that Peter openly hates Meg, goes out of his way to avoid spending any real time with Chris, and has foisted parenting duties for Stewie onto his dog, he’s probably going to spend the whole evening at the Drunken Clam. Also, it’s canon that he’s a KISS fan so drone metal will probably sound like a robot with diarrhea to him. This is likely for the best as he’ll likely spend your entire set insisting you play ‘Surfin Bird.’ Which sounds like a good cover on paper, but your band doesn’t do covers.
Since the story of how he met your mother took about seven years to tell, there’s a good chance that you’re not making the show either. And, to be frank, this is starting to become a problem. We don’t want to say there’s talk of you being kicked out of the band, but let’s just say your frequent absences and lateness have not gone unnoticed. Seriously, get your shit together, we told you when we invited you to join the group we needed someone reliable and we’re not buying those bullshit excuses that your dad won’t stop telling you his goddamn story.
Guy Blank appears to have locked-in syndrome or something so, this is a hard no. Maybe if he were still fully in control of his mental and physical capacities, there’s a chance. But, it’s hard to imagine a guy whose only daughter becomes a boozer, a user, and a loser was the best parent. Again, we’re just speculating, but there are studies that support this theory.
At the time of this writing there’s a strong possibility he’s either in prison or a fugitive from the law. Not that this is any kind of real excuse for him not being more present in your life. Your therapist has been over this time and time again that this is toxic behavior and it’s detrimental to your own personal growth and self-esteem to make excuses for him. Sure, you’re expected to be a character witness at his fraud trial, but God-forbid he makes just a little time for you. He had a one-armed guy teach his kid’s life lessons by traumatizing them. When are you going to come to your senses and just cut him out of your life already?
You’re probably wondering why we’re ranking the frontman of the Rippers so low. Allow us to explain: first of all, he’s an Elvis guy so drone metal probably isn’t his jam. Secondly, he’s probably too busy hanging out with the Beach Boys. What was the deal with that anyway? Did the Tanner’s have dirt on them or something? They just always were inexplicably at their house. The series really should’ve done more to address that.
Oh where do we begin with this piece of shit. Even if he did come to your show, he’d probably try and steal some of the door money and take and use all your drink tickets to buy appletinis, which we’re sure the bartender at a metal venue is not going to enjoy making. Plus, would you really want him there, awkwardly hitting on girls half his age and genuinely making you wish your mom went through with the abortion? Fuck this human parasite.
Did he have a name? We can’t remember and our internet connection is kind of shitty so Googling it wasn’t really an option. Actually, we don’t really know much about him. That show was a little before our time and we weren’t really in the target demographic. Maybe we shouldn’t have included him on this list, but we kind of needed to pad the numbers. We’re sorry.
Homer has been shown to have appreciation for rock music, so he’s got that in his favor. Also, he took his kids to the show’s in-universe version of Lollapalooza, which let’s be honest, most of our dad’s probably wouldn’t have done that for us. Sure he might be quick to anger, and a borderline alcoholic, but at his core, he does legitimately care for his children. He’s already got tinnitus so he won’t really have much to complain about noise-wise. Just make sure he doesn’t find out about drink tickets because, well as we mentioned earlier with borderline alcoholism.
Not only will he be there, he’s probably fronting the money to host the show. Now, before you go giving Frank platitudes for supporting the Philly metal scene, it’s probably that he’s got ulterior motives if footing the bill for this one. Expect to see Wolf Cola being heavily promoted and sketchy bridge people in the crowd. Okay, the latter crowd would probably feel right at home come to think of it. Though, you should probably tell the doorman not to let Pondy in. Either way, don’t expect to get paid for this gig.
Yes, with a but. That but being that it only if it were for Ross. Throughout the series, they seemed to indulge his every whim and shortsighted decision to the point that it likely severely stunted his emotional growth and development as an adult. We figure that’s the only reason for Ross’s increasingly bizarre, childish, and selfish behavior throughout the series. Come to think of it, Ross seemed to be a mostly absent Dad for his kid, so maybe we should be asking if he would have gone.
Danny Tanner’s attempts to prove to his kids that he is still their ‘rad, bad, dad’ range from cringe to downright traumatizing. So, as much as you try to fight it, he will be there front-row center, and probably trying to clean your pedal board mid-set due to his undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. At the same time, he seems to have an inability to allow his kids to spread their wings and grow, so there’s a chance he won’t approve of drone metal and force you to quit the band. If that happens, just tell him he doesn’t love you anymore and that you hate him and he’ll cave and no one will really learn anything.
Like it or not, he’s coming. He will wear a band tee, probably make a sign or something, tell everyone there he’s your dad, and then injure himself attempting to stage dive in violation of the venue’s strict policy on that. His attempts to fit in will result in something that will come across as embarrassing at best and extremely racist at worst. The best thing you can do in this situation is take advantage of enthusiasm by getting him to work the merch table or lug all the gear. You can justify this by saying you’re doing it for his own advantage, which likely isn’t far off.