Aiden Sears, Author at HARDTIMES

“I’m Intermittent Fasting” And 10 Other Lies to Tell Your Friends When You’re Too Hungover to Eat

Posted on April 27, 2024 by John Adkins

You did it again. The allure of drinking until you blackout was just too tempting, so here you are on another Tuesday, waking up at 4 p.m. with a hangover so bad you think your skeleton might explode. Your friends want to grab a bite to eat, but you know if you touch anything that resembles food for the next hour you’re going to ralph and your so-called friends will stage another intervention. Here are 10 quick lies to keep in your pocket so they don’t suspect a thing.

“Oh, No Thank You––I Actually Ripped SO MUCH Ozempic on the Way here”

Trust us, your friends will be SUPER impressed that you had the funds to score some Ozempic. And if they aren’t, they’ll be so friggin’ jealous of your new “self-care” routine that it’ll send ‘em into a shame spiral for the ages. Yep! Dinner’s canceled––let’s all go home and drink some hot water.

“Yeah, I Think Those PBRs Gave Me Food Poisoning or Something.”

Ok, the “food poisoning” excuse can be a little flimsy, especially because your friends are acutely aware of the fact that you ate absolutely NOTHING last night and went straight for the brewskis. So that’s why we’re doubling down by blaming your food poisoning on the PBRs. And if anyone tells you that it’s impossible to get food poisoning from some beers you just say, “Hey Brian. I know for A FACT that you got food poisoning last week from that beer-battered cod at Long John Silvers. And why were you so quick to blame the fish? Maybe it was the beer batter! Are you anti-fish, Brian? Are you?” Look, Brian probably won’t be your friend anymore, but at least no one will wanna coerce you into eating.

“Andrew Huberman Says That Eating Isn’t Actually That Good for You”

Cut the crap. We know you’ve been bragging to your friends about all the “studies” you’ve been “reading.” And by “reading” we mean listening to podcasts from which you retain zero information. So while you’re at it, you might as well drop this little nugget from Dr. Huberman. It’ll either totally impress your friends or send your buddy Brian on a super boring tangent about zone two cardio. Either way, no one will even notice that you’ve slipped away to vomit into a Chipotle guac container.

“You Guys Need FOOD for SUSTENANCE? That’s So Soft”

Now, this is where you need to be ready to drop your manifesto about living in a post-food reality. While the rest of your friends chomp on so called “protein,” you need to be talking about how you’re subsisting off of vibes (*so much Pedialyte*) alone like the biohacking badass that you are. It doesn’t matter if your spiel doesn’t make any sense. What matters is that your friends don’t ever wanna eat food in front of you ever again.

**“How DARE You Eat When Insert Literally Any Global Crisis Is Going On?”**

Look, if the world’s going to shit, you might as well use it to your personal gain! Plus! This excuse will make you look like a really cool and awesome person (*totally and inherently self-righteous*). So yeah, when you drop this suck on your friends, you’ll either guilt them into chucking their açaí bowls in the trash or kill the vibe so hard that you’ll magically send everyone into a depression nap.

“I’m Not Hungry But Here! Let Me Buy You a Snack!”

If you don’t make it to the restaurant and need to tell your friend to pull over so that you can *discreetly* blow chunks in a gas station bathroom, this excuse is perfect. Everybody knows you gotta buy a snack to get access to the puke palace, so you might as well feed your hungry friend in the process! They can’t ask you questions about why you’re still rockin’ your piss-stained skinny jeans when they’re munchin’ on Corn Nuts! Oh! And you should buy them a Liquid Death cuz we just learned that those suckers are actually just sparkling water and not ballistic, gasoline-infused energy drinks.

“If I’m Eating, How Can I Tell You My Story About How I Bought a Sentient Being on Temu Last Week?”

Ok, so we’re not super sure if this one will work. But hey, we’d LOVE to see you try it out. Just tell your friends that you were trying to buy a pair of knockoff AirPods on Temu, and next thing you know a fucking alien chrysalis pops up on your doorstep and guess what? It hatches immediately and now you’re responsible for a random-ass alien named “Maurice.” And, apparently you can’t send Maurice back. That’s not a Temu rule, but it IS a Maurice Rule.

“I Just Haven’t Been Eating Since ‘Cowboy Carter’ Dropped”

WHO’S GONNA GO AGAINST BEYONCE? WHO? I mean, probably your stupid friend Brian.

“According to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve Already Eaten Enough Food This Year”

So we’re not sure if our gal Gwyneth actually said this, but the subtext is that you are now the kind of person who eats a single almond for dessert and buys stuff from a skincare brand that rhymes with poop. And yeah. None of your friends gonna want to dine with you ever again.

“I’m Saving My Appetite for a Big, Fat, Healthy Salad Later”

Your friends might’ve dragged you to a godforsaken Sweetgreen, but that doesn’t matter because you’re about to tell your friends about a salad so big and so healthy, it’s gonna have both macro AND micro greens. And NO DRESSING because that’s how healthy THIS fucker’s gonna be. And yeah, it’s gonna be like 90 percent Kale and Swiss chard. So much chard. By the time you’re done explaining this salad to your friends, it’s gonna make their miso glazed salmon look like beer-battered Long John Silvers cod. So take that, BRIAN.

Neoliberal Couple Feels BLM Sign Really Ties 11 Bedroom, 6 Bath House Together

Posted on April 27, 2024 by Ian Steffé

SALEM, Mass. — Mallory and Piotr Rhodes proudly declared that the small, unassuming Black Lives Matter sign outside their sprawling 11-bedroom, 6-bath mansion is the final touch to reflect their politics and show a welcoming haven for those similarly minded, multiple neighbors who publicly share the exact feelings confirmed.

“We were just so inspired by the movement, you know? We wanted to be part of the change and show the world we are committed to progressive values,” Mrs. Rhodes explained while clutching a $299 bag of fair-trade coffee. “And we adore the diversity here. Like I’m part Italian on my grandfather’s side and I found out a lot of the neighbors have similar mixed-race backgrounds. Like the Klein’s across the street, one of them has a grandfather from Spain. Then there’s another family? I think they’re Chinese? I don’t know, we’ve waved hello to them. We love them. Whatever they’re doing. It’s great.

Chloe St. Onge, the realtor who introduced the happy couple to the location, raved about the many features of the sprawling property.

“There’s so much to LOVE in this progressive oasis” gushed St. Onge. “The open kitchen and sizable dining room for entertaining where Mallory has her book club meetings. There’s a recording studio Piotr has been using to record an Afro-rock album that sounds like Vampire Weekend, but with an edge. The ‘girl boss’ office space where Mallory’s portraits of Frida Kahlo, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Elizabeth Warren are displayed. Even the media center features a state-of-the-art system where guests can enjoy movies like ‘Crash’ and ‘Green Book.’”

However, not everyone in the neighborhood is impressed. Guillermo Sanchez, a third generation resident of The Point seemed skeptical of the intentions of the Rhodes.

“It’s a shame what they’ve done to this place,” Mr. Sanchez lamented, looking through the high iron bars surrounding the property. “Like up the street at our community church. We had book drives. Dances. It was the heartbeat of the neighborhood to help the kids, and people who were having a hard time. But since these people moved in they call the cops to file a noise complaint about us every time we have an event. We usually wrap up by 7 p.m. but that’s still too late for them apparently.”

As of press time, the couple has briefly taken down the sign but promises to have it back up as soon as Mr. Rhodes’ father is done with his Senate reelection race.

Poser Alert! Those Assholes From the “Punk” CD Compilation Were Paid Actors

Posted on April 27, 2024 by Ben Friedman

There is something that’s been bothering me for nearly 20 years now, and I’m sure a few of you may have had sleepless nights over it too: that offensively tone-deaf “punk” compilation commercial. You know which one I’m talking about. It was already bad enough that the tracklist was laughable, but to see two punks betray the genre and shill this tripe to us was even more insulting.

But that’s when I discovered the horrible truth. They weren’t punks at all but paid actors!

You’re probably thinking surely no one would sink that low, but the unfortunate truth is that the evil masterminds behind this joke of a mix CD went out and hired two people to pretend to be gutter punks. For money, no less! Had they been real punks, they would’ve beat the shit out of the director on principle for including the Greg Kihn Band.

Go back and watch it, and you’ll see how they were lying to us in plain sight. Pay attention to how clean everything looks, from their skin to their shoes to whatever living room they’re allegedly supposed to be squatting in. Like, not even a single cigarette or empty whiskey bottle in sight? Red flag!

I don’t know what kind of psyop the suits at Westwood Promotions (a CIA front if there ever was one) was running, but paying these stooges to tell us Top 40 new wave and punk were synonymous is downright vile. I even have my doubts about their hair being real.

And to think I was starting to second guess my devotion to the scene! For half a second there I thought I’d missed some memo about Huey Lewis’ “I Want a New Drug” being punk, even ironically. I bet these two boneheads have never in their lives taken unmarked pills from a random guy at a basement show.

I’ve spent years trying to track these imposters, but have come up with nothing. I tried calling the 800 number and it just took me to a psychic hotline. I even went out to Westwood’s headquarters in Colorado Springs and it was just an empty strip mall! These maniacs could still be out there.

It goes without saying that if you encounter them, under no circumstances let them bum a smoke, hook them up with your dealer, or take any of their music recommendations. These posers deserve no quarter.

The Top Ten Most Underrated Island Records Bands That Turned Out to Be Dead the Whole Time

Posted on April 27, 2024 by Scott Waldman

Peninsulas are overrated; Island Records is underrated. We attempt to bring to your attention in written form the top ten most underrated Island Records bands in alphabetical order. For this list to be as pristine as it truly is, there are a few ground rules for your pleasure/discomfort: Acts like Fall Out Boy, Thrice, Thursday, and The Kids of Widney High are exempt, as they are all way too big to be considered underappreciated, AND no subsidiary label acts are considered either. Some knowledge for your eyes, ears, throats, and gullets: Island Records was founded in 1959 and eventually sold to Polygram thirty years later. Happily the label is still going strong, and sadly you aren’t. In closing, travel to one of NYC’s boroughs, albeit the worst one, hop on a plane with Cooter, and watch “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” right now. Thanks, bros.

Autopilot Off

Major label AND Tim Armstrong approved? Check! Orange County, New Freaking York’s Autopilot Off started, uh, off as a true Cooter and finished their full-length career as AO with a nearly flawless LP named “Make a Sound.” A noise it did make, but unfortunately it was more of a whimper than a bang. Pity as these pop-punk/melodic punk/rock jams still hold up twenty years later! If you like video games, and we know that you do, Autopilot Off have quite a few song placements in video games not named “Kid Icarus.” Fun fact: Autopilot Off released a flawless EP on Island Records too and if you have fourteen minutes, listen to it all OR take a jog; you’re out of shape. You’re forever indebted to us and we know you’re waiting for what you want.

The Bronx

If you caught The Bronx on The Used’s 2004 run supporting their sophomore/most commercially successful LP “In Love and Death” with Atreyu and Head Automatica, you don’t deserve a notice of eviction. If you missed it, we’ve got chills and they’re NOT multiplying. According to legend, the band got signed shortly after their tenth show, and whilst rock press looooved this band, not too many pedestrians like your cousin Felicity knew who they were. While the band isn’t too creative with their album titles, they also are; paradoxes rule. The band’s creative/curious side project Mariachi El Bronx may be bigger than The Bronx, but that’s just one small stone for man and one Spanish handshake for mankind. Punk rock cred peeps may scoff at this band for being on a major label, but so were The Ramones and Ashlee Simpson.

CKY

CKY may have created one of the most singable guitar riffs of all time whilst not creating one of the most singable vocal melodies of all time, but, hey, that’s showbiz! Originally called Camp Kill Yourself, which TOTALLY wouldn’t have gotten the band canceled in the year of our lord known as 2024, West Chester, Pennsylvania’s CKY at their formation featured a relative of a (now former) “Jackass,” a guitarist/vocalist named Deron, and Allen Ginsberg’s non-cousin. 96 bitter beings permanently stan CKY, but mainstream whatsoevers mostly missed out on the acronymed rock and roller skaters. While the band certainly peaked in popularity during the early-aughts period, they’re still cranking shizz out today, and they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary as a band NEXT month on tour!

Damone

Not only will one Damone song feel like you’re out here all night with the band, but two will feel like, uh, two nights out here! Yeah! Originating from Waltham, Massachusetts, a town most famous for being home base to the uber, uber-Jesuit Brandeis University, Damone formed in 2001, and just two years later released their debut LP “From the Attic” via RCA Records. Their sophomore album “Out Here All Night” is the band’s highest quality effort and Island Records was its home base. Self-produced with help from David Spreng, “Out Here All Night” is a high octane true rock and roll record that you dropped the ball on and ruined all things 2007-beyond; thanks, Obama. Want more rock cred? Ok! Damone even covered Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years,” and said tune closed the LP in style with a new change of heart, AND on your speakers.

Injected

Let’s start this section with something sad: We want to shout out the late guitarist/backing vocalist for Injected, Jade Lemons, who left this earth extremely prematurely in 2016. Now let’s rock: Injected’s lone major label effort, 2002’s “Burn it Black” appeals to fans of Helmet and Butch Walker, who not so coincidentally produced this LP. If you watched WWE AND MTV in the early-aughts, and we know that you did, you likely heard an Injected song once or thrice (NOT MENTIONED IN THE TOP TEN FOR THIS ISLAND RECORDS PIECE, NO NO NO). Eddie Trunk, who is bitter enemies with Ronnie Radke, put this full-length studio album on his top ten list for 2002, and that combined with $6 can buy you a cup of coffee in LA without any of the fixins… Maybe it can in Atlanta? Regardless, Injected rocked more than The Dirty South.

Innerpartysystem

If you ever wished that Nine Inch Nails played Warped Tour, then do WE have the band for YOU: Innerpartysystem. We’re perplexed every hour on the hour, five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes as to why “Don’t Stop” didn’t reach “Mr. Brightside” heights, but such great heights are forever and always in Brooklyn Heights with the Brooklyn Dodgers dodging The Artful Dodger in an artful manner. You never heard of Mohnton, Pennsylvania before and you shan’t again; how do you measure, measure a year? Fun fact: The band eventually remixed Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold” before it heated up, and not too long after that, split up. We blame you. Fans of George Orwell, dark synth pop and not pop, and the general working class would system the party the hell out of your inners.

Letter Kills

In a perfect world, Letter Kills would be mentioned in the same mall screamo breath sans mouthwash as The Used, Story of the Year, Finch, and Edna’s Goldfish. However, it is not a perfect world, just ask “The Bridge,” Letter Kill’s major label debut and only full-length studio album didn’t turn a bright color that they sell at pawn shops post-release. The twelve songs that compose this LP have zero filler and plenty of antioxidants. Guitar players who love MCR, AAR, NFG, and MTB should listen to track four, “Brand New Man,” right now, and marvel at and learn WITH it. Speaking of MCR and SOTY: Letter Kills was first of four on the 2004 Nintendo Fusion Tour with My Chemical Romance on second, the completely unproblematic Lostprophets as direct support, and Story of the Year in the headline slot. Times change but letter kills.

Primer 55

And now for something completely different: Nu metal. ARE YOU REEEEADY? Memphis, Tennessee’s Primer 55 name without question is and apparently comes from something unfinished with a drug trafficking road as a Mozart symphony. Both Walter “Limp Bizkit” White and Fred “I Am The One Who Knocks” Durst would agree that the number fifty-five rules, and the band with said numeral slaps! Primer 55 had solid record sales, but were far from gold, and not only stayed gold, ponyboy, but it was shelved. Sigh. Such a dark fate for a band that could still be rocking Ozzfest stages today if there were any… And said situation catalyzed the band’s first split in 2003. The band reformed four years later, and then split up for good (unless Coachella capitalizes on the nu metal nostalgia boom and drops cash in their lap) in 2015. On a sad note, rest in peace, J-Sin.

Rival Schools

First of all, how on brand is it for us here that Rival Schools are mentioned in this piece? Right in front of your eyes RS takes the remainder of the culturally and geopolitically significant Quicksand’s Island Records contract with extreme V-neck T-shirt assistance from every band that ever existed in every genre in every country and planet, Walter “Spell Check” Schreifels’ then-new Rival Schools put out an incredible Rydell High School debut known as “United by Fate” and split up for the first time just two years later. The band survived one more breakup after a semi-quick but not really reunion, and as of 2022, still exists today for humans of all shapes and sizes. Anyway, we’ve said it before and we’ll without hesitation ask it again, “What the hell is post-hardcore?” Seriously, what is it? We know, we know, everything has its point, and good things undercover on.

Young Love

Young love was such dumb love; we will never, ever recov-er together. If you were slightly ahead of the dance-rock curve via just another former “scene” frontman, then you were right on time for Young Love. The act’s illustrious by definition frontman Dan Kayes almost totally, epically and magnificently shifted musical focus post his one-word yet Twelve Step named band, and completely pulled a 180 in a solid way with the toe-tappin’ Young Love, that you never listened to, and that’s why they are on this list. Final thought/inquiry: Why shouldn’t we end this piece on a sad note? We have no reason either way: Young Love put out one EP and two LPs via Island Records and then, poof, peaced out, without reforming since. Ceci n’est pas recover. Give up, you’re too young to fight it. Just find a new way and close your eyes.

Krist Novoselic Still Thinks Kurt Cobain Went to Live on a Farm

Posted on April 27, 2024 by Sean Fallon

SEATTLE — Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic revealed that he still believes Kurt Cobain went to live on a farm, despite passing away in 1994, confirmed sources who didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

“It was a shock when I first heard it,” said Novoselic at a recent meet-up of bass players at a repurposed dog park. “But then I heard all about the farm and the other musicians and actors and politicians who lived there, and I thought that was a lovely place for Kurt to live. He never really showed any interest in farming or getting close to nature but a change would do him good. At least he’s not doing what David Bowie and Prince are doing and going undercover with the FBI to fight the Yakuza because that sounds dangerous.”

Former bandmate and current Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl was behind the decision to not give Novoselic the bad news and 30 years later he has no regrets.

“After Kurt died it was hard,” said Grohl. “But we all knew Krist would take it particularly badly so we thought screw it, let’s spare him the pain and we told him Kurt had moved to a farm upstate with lots of other singers he could jam with like Janis Joplin, Freddie Mercury, and The Big Bopper. We didn’t think he’d go for it but it made him happy even when we said we weren’t allowed to visit the farm because it’s too far away. The problem was that the farm idea really took root with him and now anyone who dies seems to be going to that same farm. Unless he doesn’t like them of course like Kissinger. Yeah, Kissinger went straight to Hell.”

Child psychologists say that this kind of white lie is perfectly suitable and highly effective when breaking heartbreaking news to bass players.

“A child or even an intelligent animal will eventually see through this kind of ruse,” said Dr. Eleanor Sanders of the American Association for Bass Player Psychology. “However, a bassist can believe and maintain this kind of fantasy indefinitely. We told Peter Hook that Ian Curtis had retired to a desert island after winning the lottery, which he wholeheartedly believed no matter how many interviewers ask him about Curtis’ suicide. As far as he knows, they’re all just jealous spoilsports and he goes home to write another letter to Ian that won’t be answered because he’s too busy learning to surf or whatever fantastic story we feed him.”

At press time, Novoselic revealed that he also believed the conspiracy that Courtney Love was responsible for sending him to the farm.

Photo credit: Joe Mabel

Every The Kills Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on April 26, 2024 by Nigel Powers

DO! NOT! EVER! HAVE! SEX! WITH! YOUR! BANDMATES…EVER! This is a basic rule of thumb when it comes to any band formation, regardless of how hot your drummer, guitarist, or singer may even be (bassists need not apply). But what if you thought about giving into those temptations, and while being badass enough to resist, created an entire band around resisting that forbidden fruit? Enter The Kills. Formed in 2001 by singer Allison “VV” Mosshart (who also sang for the swell Florida punk band Discount) and guitarist Jaime “Hotel” Hince and based out of New York City, The Kills would become known for their sultry, spicy and seductive sound that tread between Indie Rock, Blues Rock and just the right amount of electronic beats and programming to appeal to that crowd.

While never chart toppers, The Kills nonetheless found success through licensing (musicians take note), with their songs being used in a variety of TV shows and movies (most notably cinematic masterpieces “Children of Men” and “Gossip Girl”), and it helps to have one of the best Rock’n’Roll singers of the New Millennium in Allison Mosshart and one of music’s most versatile and soulful guitarists in Jaime Hince, who’s playing is instantly recognizable with just one note (A TRUE MARK OF GREATNESS). And that’s saying nothing of the songs themselves, which range from sweet ballads, to flirtatious, fiery rock songs that are both equally captivating. But with all this raw emotion, we must consider reason, which leads us to rank every The Kills’ album from least to most satisfying.

6. Blood Pressures (2011)

Toning down the punk and garage rock influences of prior releases, instead focusing on the Blues-Rock and some Hip-Hop influences, there is a sameness to these songs that detracts from the record as a whole. But that’s ok, every band goes through something of a midlife crisis, and there are worse ways to deal with it than monotony, and you must learn to deal with monotony to grow as a person. But the good ones here are just as good as anything The Kills have ever released, so while it’s not reinventing the wheel, it’s still solid as a record.

Play It Again: “The Last Goodbye”
Skip It: “You Don’t Own the Road”

5. Ash and Ice (2016)

Released in the year of Trump, the fifth Kills album neither breaks new ground or regresses at all, and it’s not a bad record (just like all their other releases), bit it feels too typical for a band who has spent their career being anything but. However, considering the shocking changes that changed the world forever after the death of Harambe that fateful morning at the Cincinnati Zoo, maybe this wasn’t the record we wanted, but the record we needed to ground ourselves from the shitstorm that was about to hit the world of politics and decency, with its typical but safe sound.

Play It Again: “Doing it to Death” (a fine way to go if you ask us)
Skip It: “Days of Why and How”

4. Keep On Your Mean Side (2003)

The Kills pounced onto the music scene in 2003 with this record, and unlike many debut albums, this one sees the band kick things off with their sound fully formed, just like a beast with two backs. But there’s nothing to back down from here, and the record keeps its promise by bringing in straight shooting, bluesy indie rock straight from New York and England, with Jaime Hince bringing that distinctively British Guitar playing back to its American Roots in sort of a reverse British Invasion, while Alison Mosshart expands from her days with Discount to become an absolute force of nature vocalist. A must listen for anyone who is an indie rock lover, this was the album that started it all.

Play It Again: “Fried My Little Brains”
Skip It: “Hand”

Honorable Mention: Little Bastards (2020)

A collection of B-Sides and outtakes, this compilation is actually pretty awesome, with some more experimental tracks when compared to the official releases. Every genre from acoustic, electronic, and everything in between, this album was released during the pandemic, possibly out of generosity, which is itself a form of love. This compilation is a perfect starting point for anyone looking to get into The Kills whether it be for a one-time session of fun, or a dedicated, long-term commitment.

3. God Games (2023)

Released almost a decade after “Ash and Ice,” and oh boy was this worth the wait. Satisfies like a hookup after a painful dry spell, this album draws from every era of “The Kills” in terms of sound, mood and most importantly, sexiness. Strutting in and giving Derek Zoolander level performance on the catwalk, after a long hiatus, the Kills deliver a “Magnum” opus level performance, and a welcome return after those dry years, and this record is a perfect extension of sounds the band perfected upon their debut.

Play It Again: “103”
Skip It: Unskippable

2. Midnight Boom (2008)

This album is a journey through the gamut of human emotion, and by this point in their career, The Kills had perfected their sound and were performing like two lovers in lockstep. “URA Fever” starts hot and heavy, and the rest of the album keeps that smokey vibe perfect for “Getting Down,” and you just can’t help but boogie to the tunes. While it may be a bit slower than its predecessor, sometimes slower means it’s all the sweeter, and that you should take the time to enjoy it.

Play It Again: “Black Balloon” (just some journalistic bias here, there really are no skips, you can take our word for it)
Skip It: I Would Do Many Things For Love, But I wouldn’t do THAT

1. No Wow (2005)

Originally supposed to be recorded on a MOOG synthesizer which broke right before the recording sessions, Alison and Jaime were forced to rearrange the album as their typically blues-tinted indie rock style to compensate for their technical difficulties. Possibly the best electronic record never made, but for sure it’s one of the best records to come out of the Indie Rock scene of the 2000s, meaner, and tougher than many of the acts, while also just as capable of being vulnerable and sensitive, marking The Kills as not just capable musicians, but lovers as well, and if you dislike this album, we may have to get the guns out, I say again, get the guns out.

Play It Again: Oh Yeah! All of it! That’s the Good Stuff! (especially the first three tracks, “No Wow,” “Your Love is A Deserter,” and “Dead Road 7”)
Skip It: DON’T STOP! OH YES! MORE!

Trump Defense Attorney Grills Former National Enquirer Publisher on Whether or Not Elvis Was Spotted Alive Eating Moon Pies at Tennessee Gas Station

Posted on April 26, 2024 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former President Trump’s Defense Attorney Emil Bove used his time cross-examining former National Enquirer Publisher David Pecker about whether or not Elvis was spotted alive in Tennessee in 2016, courtroom sources confirmed.

“I remember I was buying groceries and there was an old lady paying by check so it was taking forever. I saw the headline ‘The King Alive, Fatter Than Ever in Tennessee’ on the cover of National Enquirer and needed to know more,” said Emil Bove to reporters after the court adjourned in Trump’s hush money case. “Some of the reporting seemed pretty dubious. It focused a lot on how many moon pies the guy was eating, and talking about how he must be hiding a child bride. I asked Mr. Pecker if everything was triple-sourced and if he stood behind its journalistic integrity because I needed to know if it was actually Elvis. Not knowing the truth has been keeping me up at night.”

Pecker admitted he was surprised by the line of questioning he was subjected to.

“I was expecting a lot of questions about Stormy Daniels, but Mr. Bove spent three hours asking me about Lisa Marie Presley’s latest botched plastic surgery, if Bigfoot is an alien, and whether or not he can meet Bat Boy,” said Pecker. “I do know for a fact that Elvis is still alive, he’s on Ozempic and looks great for an 89-year-old. I actually had dinner with him last month at Charlie Sheen’s house. Lots of people were there, like Sinatra, and the half man, half alligator from the Florida swamps. We had a great time.”

Legal experts believe Bove is being very tactical in his defense of Trump.

“All you need is one member of the jury to side with the former president to get him acquitted. If Mr. Bove continues to confuse everyone with questions about space aliens voting for Bush, Elizabeth Taylor’s husbands, and whether or not OJ Simpson had a wild sexual encounter with ‘Price is Right’ girls they will forget what Trump is even on trial for,” said analyst Aurie Baling. “The only downside to this tactic is the fact that every time Mr. Bove mentions some sort of cryptid the former president chimes in saying something like ‘the Jersey Devil is a nasty woman, very rotund’ and the judge has to warn Mr. Trump to stay quiet.”

At press time, Bove announced he would be calling Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon to the stand next week.

Punk Jam Band Plays Four-Minute Songs

Posted on April 26, 2024 by Jacky Pritchard

UTICA, N.Y. — Local punk band Mellow Mohawks defied genre norms by blending their counter-culture attitude with jam band aesthetics with their lengthy four-minute songs, confused sources report.

“We were too much for the punk scene with songs that stretched on as long as it takes to make microwave popcorn. After getting banned from our local punk venue for playing a ninety-second guitar solo, we decided to take a shot with the jam band scene,” said Dani “Eggman” Brownstein, the band’s lead guitarist. “Getting a gig at a local festival was surprisingly easy. I talked to this old hippie promoter, right? Told him our music ‘transcends the conventional tempo,’ thinking he’d like the sound of it. He was all in, saying we’re like ‘the cosmic bridge between anarchy and peace. Big fan of that descriptor.”

Concertgoer and fan of both genres, Soulshine Haynes, was surprised by the Mohawks’ four-minute songs.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Most bands in this scene would be halfway through their set at three minutes, but these guys single-handedly pushed the genre into never-before-seen territory. Four minutes is like forty-five days in punk song time,” Haynes stated, while twirling absentmindedly, hula-hoop in hand. “Honestly, I’m as impressed as I am confused. I just took some plant medicine, and now I have no jams to guide the spinning of my hoop for the next 45 minutes while the festival sets up the next band.”

Trey Anastasio, guitarist and singer-songwriter for wildly popular jam band Phish, admits he is impressed by what he heard from Mellow Mohawks.

“A lot of people don’t realize I came up in the New Jersey punk scene. I saw the Misfits during their original run and I loved it, but I always wanted more. 90-second songs were such a tease, that really informed what I do with Phish,” said Anastasio during the middle of a 26-minute guitar solo. “Mellow Mohawks are the band I was looking for when I was a teenager. Just imagine what will happen when they settle into their groove. We could be seeing six minute punk songs, the world might not be ready for that.”

At press time, the Mellow Mohawks drummer, lured by the hiss of nitrous oxide tanks, wandered off during the festival and was last seen boarding the Twelve Tribes’ bus.

There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism. That’s Why I Bought This Huge Death Ray

Posted on April 26, 2024 by Greg Smith

Trying to change the world for the better is tough. Systems in place are designed to maintain the unhealthy status quo. If you truly dedicate yourself to fighting the good fight, feelings of futility are inevitable. “Everything’s bad, so why try at all?”

This may surprise you, but the truth about our systems might help take an unnecessary burden off of you. There is no such thing as “ethical consumption” under the unethical system of capitalism. But we have needs – food, shelter, a huge death ray. And we need to buy them. So why punish ourselves?

Instead, try this reframe: Think less of your buying habits as world-savers but harm reducers. Needing to buy food is inherently wrong, yes, but we do need to. So research a local store run by people in your neighborhood and support them, rather than the mega-corporations.

Similarly, while we all agree that having a gigantic death ray that we use to protect ourselves from pesky neighbors is a basic human need, capitalism makes that service only attainable through money. So I did my diligence: A neighbor at my farmer’s market recommended a mad scientist who makes handcrafted abominations of death, and I reduced the societal harm of capitalism by supporting him economically. Then, he invested that money back into the community by creating a monster out of dead body parts!

And certainly don’t punish yourself for creature comforts. As Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be a part of your revolution.” An iced latte, a handmade caftan, a flesh-eradicating death ray pointed at your next-door neighbor’s house – revolution needs joy and rest, and if these items provide that, so be it. In my case, of course, the death ray does provide joy and so I need it. That one wasn’t hypothetical.

Now, let’s shift our focus to climate change. The powers that be paint progress as the result of petty acts of individualism – reusable bags, electric vehicles, meatless Mondays, etc.

But the truth? A handful of billionaires are responsible for the majority of emissions. So does it make more sense to punish yourself for forgetting a reusable bag, or to refocus your energy to macro-level actions? Also, shout out to several billionaires who gave me recommendations on what death ray to buy. And yes, it runs purely on solar power and is carbon neutral (as in it will neutralize the carbon-based life form that lives next door to me if the second his hydrangea grows past my property line.

So to everyone fighting: take care of yourself. Make the best decisions you can. And if you see me zapping my next-door neighbor Carl with my enormous death ray, you are not allowed to be mad at me, because what I am doing is self-care, and it is exactly the same as you ordering diapers on Amazon.

New Biography Reveals “X” Was Name of Elon Musk’s Beloved Childhood Sled

Posted on April 26, 2024 by Tim Graham

SAN FRANCISCO — The author of an upcoming biography of Elon Musk found evidence suggesting his obsession with the letter X is due to it being the name of his cherished sled from childhood, according to stunned advance readers.

“My research found that as a child, Elon’s favorite possession was a particular plastic sled which was branded with a large, stylized X graphic,” said author Samuel Fisch. “It was a gift from his emerald mine-owning father, Errol. Of course, there was no snow in South Africa, so his father would have truckloads of it brought in for special occasions. Little Elon delighted in zooming down the slopes—that is, until the day his father snatched the sled from him and gave it to the child of a woman he was trying to bed. Musk was heartbroken, and the rest is history.”

The billionaire CEO of SpaceX and X denied the claim, going so far as to accuse the author of defamation.

“The allegation that my affinity for the letter X is somehow tied to a traumatic event involving a favorite sled, which signaled the loss of my childhood innocence and instigated a transformation into a bitter, vindictive, petty narcissist is simply absurd,” said Musk while fidgeting with a snow globe. “Fisch should expect to be served very soon as these sorts of lies shall not stand. I had a perfect childhood and a daddy who loved me very much. I just like the letter X, that’s all. It’s the coolest letter. It’s radical, edgy and extreme. It means all kinds of different things, like multiplication or the number ten.”

Psychologist Amelia Crane says that the sled story sounds plausible, given Musk’s public persona.

“Errol’s rejection of Elon being a catalyst for his transformation into the person he became makes perfect sense,” said Crane while examining a grainy photo of a young Musk and what could be the sled in question. “His behavior as an adult is consistent with someone whose sense of wonder and joy was snatched away at an early age. Everything Musk does seems to scream, ‘Notice me, daddy!’—yet it is in vain, for his father remains distant and detached, instead choosing to spend his time having children with his own stepdaughter.”

At press time, Musk had launched an attack on an unfortunate X user with a name similar to Fisch’s, causing them to receive thousands of death threats from blue check Musk loyalists.