That slumlord Frank has neglected my apartment for far too long! I’ve tried being reasonable with him, I’ve submitted all of my maintenance requests in the online portal just like he asked. I’ve sent dozens of followup emails. I’ve even tried shouting at him in front of his family, but there’s just no getting through to this guy. Drastic measures are clearly needed. That’s why I’ve taken possession of my landlord’s beloved cat, Mr Pibb. And if Frank ever wants this cat back, these are the things he needs to fix:
10. The lock on our building’s front door
A lockable front door seems like a basic requirement for an apartment building in this neighborhood. I’m tired of having my Amazon packages stolen. A new lock is what, 30 bucks? What’s he waiting for? If he fixed this one thing and nothing else, I’d consider returning Mr Pibb right now. It turns out I’m very allergic to cats, and this little asshole has shredded my couch.
9. This broken old oven
I have been complaining about this for 2 years. The damn thing takes an hour to heat up. If I had a whole hour to cook, I wouldn’t be making a frozen pizza for dinner. I will not tolerate this any longer. Either he fixes this oven or he needs to buy a new one. Until then, Mr Pibb stays with me. And I’m hoping the oven is fixed soon. It turns out cat food is expensive, and I can’t afford this much longer.
8. The raccoons under my stairs
Mr Pibb refused to eat the food I originally bought for him, so I had to buy an even more expensive brand to get him to eat. All because that son of a bitch Frank still hasn’t fixed anything around here. And now things are worse than ever! I threw the first bag of cat food off of my balcony in anger and it has attracted several raccoons. They spend all night shrieking under the stairs to my apartment. How could any respectable landlord allow these conditions to exist on their property?
7. The leaky roof
It’s negligent for a landlord to not repair my leaky roof in a reasonable amount of time. There must be some legal action I can take against this guy right? In the meantime, it’s just me and Mr Pibb against a broken system and a corrupt landlord. It doesn’t seem likely that Frank will get his shit together any time soon. Luckily I found a brand of cat food that Mr Pibb can tolerate, because he’s clearly going to be my hostage for a while.
6. His shitty attitude
You did this to yourself, Frank, so I don’t want to hear about it from you. It was your own inaction that led to the taking of Mr Pibb. I never asked for this goddamn cat. I never wanted to take daily allergy meds just so they could stay with me. Just fix my apartment and you can have it back. I don’t want to hear any more complaining about how you got burned by the seller when you bought this place last year. That’s your problem, not mine. I’ll gladly keep Mr Pibb forever if that’s what it takes to teach you a lesson.
5. The sink I poured hot oil into
Just because this one is technically my fault doesn’t give my landlord an excuse to not fix it. I tried to deep fry something last week when I was drunk, and the hot grease did serious damage to the drain pipes when I dumped it out. How are they both clogged AND leaking at the same time? What kind of operation is Frank running here? There’s no way the person who allows these living conditions to continue is taking proper care of his pet. I’m glad I intervened.
4. This big hole I made in the wall
This one is only partially my fault. And I refuse to go into details about the origin of the hole. The fact is, there is a head-sized hole in my living room wall, and Frank refuses to patch it until I return his cat. It’s a typical landlord/tenant standoff. And to be honest, I’m not even mad anymore. It’s clear that Frank doesn’t want his cat back, or he would make an attempt to fix my wall. And who really cares? Mr Pibb seems happier here. He’s become an inside cat now. Gone are the days of fighting off the raccoons under the stairs just to come inside for dinner.
3. My relationship with my father
Fuck it. I’m keeping Mr Pibb. If Frank really wants him back, I’m not making it easy anymore. You want your cat? Find a way to get my dad to answer the phone when I call. Surprise, dipshit, you can’t! The old man’s still pissed that I sold the family business and invested all the money in Dogecoin. If he didn’t want me to make impulsive decisions with our shared investment, then why did he go into business with me in the first place? You’re being a real “Frank” about this whole thing, Dad. It would be a shame if one of your pets went missing next…
2. My credit score
There’s no getting around this, 390 is an abysmal credit rating. Nobody will rent to a single man with no documented income and a 390 on his credit report. It’s the only reason I still live in this rundown shithole. I’d take my new cat and leave tomorrow if I could afford it. Mr Pibb and I deserve so much better, but Frank isn’t doing anything to help our current situation. And he’s definitely not helping my FICO Score by reporting me for being “delinquent” on my rent each month.
1. My declining mental health
Mr Pibb is the only good thing in my life right now. Andrea left me after I lost our house in that bad cryptocurrency investment. There’s nothing left here. Just a complete absence of serotonin, and all this IKEA furniture that I put on my credit card before the bank froze the account. But while we’re on the subject, I’ve got this letter from my doctor that says Mr Pibb is a registered emotional support animal now. So Frank better not even think of charging me pet rent next month, because this cat is a medical necessity. I still think Frank should fix all the broken stuff around here, but at this point nothing would make me give up Mr Pibb. I would die for Mr Pibb.
It sucks ranking one of a band’s most beloved albums last on a list. For one, it implies it’s bad, even if that’s not the case. And secondly, we here at The Hard Times understand the giant burden we have of being the voice of not only a generation but actually every generation, everywhere all the time. So it gives us no joy to rank Ozma’s “The Double Donkey Disc” as their worst. And truthfully we’re only doing it because out of all their albums, it is the worst. It’s not a bad album at all. But if one were ranking their albums, from worst to best, this one would be the worst. And while you may not know it, that’s actually what we’re doing. We’re ranking Ozma albums from worst to best. So compared to the other albums by the musical rock group Ozma, “The Double Donkey Disc” is the least good, otherwise known as the worst. Forgive us.
The thing about “Boomtown” is that as a rock album, it’s great. Stays interesting, good songs, nice vocals, etc. As an Ozma album, it’s just ok. Artists should always be allowed to evolve, so the fact that this album feels like the least-Ozma, Ozma album isn’t that big of a deal. But it’s not a big swing. It’s just a relatively down-the-middle rock album. And when one of those is written and performed by Ozma, that’s still a great album. But something is missing. Not everywhere though. The first and only song that’s sung solo by keyboardist Star Wick, “Nervous” hits all the marks. The final track “Never Know” also harkens back to some of the epicness they attempted in STOTBL. The added piece of this possibly being the last Ozma album makes its mid-ness a little bit harder to take. The band might totally make new music, but this is their most recent release and it’s a decade old. So we’re not holding our breath. That said, this album does get better on subsequent listens and over time could move up the list if it stays motivated, puts in the hours, and commits to the grind. Go team.
In our memories, this album was the high point in Ozma’s output. And while it showed they weren’t just Weezer clones, a fact that anyone who actually already listened to them knew, it has one major flaw: it has some of their most memorable tunes, but also some of their most forgettable ones as well. While the album opens with an absolute banger, doing all the things we want, the next 3 tracks are all snoozers. Literally all three. Everything is relative, so an Ozma snoozer is still better than anything Anthony Keidis has ever been involved in. But the second half of the album is so good, it makes the first half seem out of place and immensely skippable. “Curve in the Old 1-9” is the heaviest song Ozma has ever released and kinda makes us wish they’d put out a more metal-influenced album. Like, what happened? Tracks 5-12 are untouchable. Not to mention Ozma’s best song, “Eponine” is right in the middle of those tracks. And yes, it is their best song, and that’s why it’s on two different albums. And while it might seem harsh to rank an album at number three because of only 3 tracks being a problem, the next two albums have no skips. Also, we’re a punk satire news site. If our album rankings make you angry, maybe take a step back and reprioritize your life a bit. Also, we’re always right.
The band’s debut is an absolute classic that ultimately holds up. While for many Ozma’s appeal is that they’re “more Weezer than Weezer”, this album is really Weezer and The Rentals mixed. While Matt Sharp was off in Europe getting into Britpop, and Rivers was having a crisis about nobody liking “Pinkerton,” Ozma did the thing that everyone actually wanted: a Weezentals album. And for the record, this isn’t a boring copy of those bands. This is the result of being influenced by artists, and also understanding that the originals don’t always put out the best versions of themselves. Lucas isn’t make the best “Star Wars” content, Stan Lee wasn’t making the best Marvel stuff, and Weezer and the Rentals were passed by Ozma as to who was making the best Weezer and Rentals albums. The musicality of the band is on full display in the first seconds of the album with an opening melody in “Domino Effect” that is both full Rivers worship and also something he would never dare write. A few tracks drag, and more than a few get a little whiny. But when you’re young, and still feel things, it’s perfect. We sort of remember feeling things. It was great.
To be honest, we ourselves were surprised this album was number 1. But first off, there are no skips. It is perhaps a tad unfair to put this album ranked first, as two of the eleven tracks appear on other albums. And one of those songs is “Eponine” the previously mentioned best song in the Ozma catalogue. But that doesn’t change the fact that dollars to Dunkin Donuts, this is THE album we wanna put on when we wanna listen to Ozma. The production feels like it finally embraces not only the heaviness and the electronic pop of their sound but also the grandiose Queen-like stadium rock that’s been hiding in their sound. The instrumentation, as always, goes beyond any of their peers. The lyrics are clever and smart, and do the thing that His Holiness, Rivers Cuomo, seems to genuinely struggle with as he gets older: they rhyme, but not to the detriment of the song. While not adverse to the occasional easy and quick rhyme, Ozma clearly prefers to avoid the usual “I felt glad, and now I’m sad” type of stuff that so many in the genre and adjacent genres fall prey to. One of the album’s best tracks, “Incarnation Blues” is a perfect example: