Another week has passed you by, you’ve been enjoying the warmer weather, and you’ve listened to almost no music. That’s a crime in several states if you didn’t already know. Especially during springtime. Because your rap sheet is already pretty lengthy, we want to make sure you’re in the clear. Here are six songs we listened to this week that should help you avoid those costly court fees. Click here to listen while you read. We know your attention span is shot.
Cursive ‘Up And Away’
In case your saddest, most literary friend didn’t already tell you, Cursive has announced the follow-up to 2019’s excellent ‘Get Fixed.’ ‘Devourer,’ which is set to release in September, will be the band’s first effort in nearly half a decade, and it seemingly will be worth the wait. The deliriously dissonant and catchy lead single ‘Up And Away,’ marks a dazzling return to form while continuing to push the ever growing envelope of the group’s sound.
The Hope Conspiracy ‘Live In Fear’
Our office is currently being renovated. No, we didn’t really need an upgrade, it’s just that ever since Boston’s hardcore legends, The Hope Conspiracy, announced their first album in nearly two decades, at least half of our writers have been launching each other into the drywall. We would be angrier if the record didn’t fucking rip so hard. Welcome back, The Hope Conspiracy. We’ll send you the repair bill.
Petey ‘Home Alone House 2 feat. Owen’
As if last year’s stunner of an album, ‘USA,’ wasn’t enough to hold us over, singer-songwriter and internet sensation Petey is refusing to slow his roll. His latest, ‘Home Alone House 2,’ is a somber stroll through the trappings of youth that ultimately ends in hoping for some form of early onset dementia to ease the journey through adulthood and old age. When you get done being depressed as fuck, play it again to peep those harmonies.
Osees ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas’
At this point, we’re pretty sure John Dwyer is part of some weird government experiment that makes it impossible for him to not be recording a new album every second of every day. Less than a year after releasing the excellent ‘Intercepted Message,’ Osees have announced their 29th – yeah, you read that right – album, ‘SORCS 80.’ Along with the new announcement, they have dropped the disorienting ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas.’ The band is as chaotic as ever, and we are genuinely concerned. John, blink twice if you need assistance.
Illuminati Hotties ‘Didn’t’
Sarah Tudzin has had a busy couple of years offering production assistance to boygenius, Cloud Nothings, Speedy Ortiz, and likely way more than we’ve heard about. This frenetic schedule clearly hasn’t stopped her from crafting what we assume will be another masterpiece of an album under the Illuminati Hotties moniker. ‘Power,’ the follow-up album to 2022’s epic ‘Let Me Do One More’ promises to be another powerhouse with each single that is released. The latest, ‘Didn’t,’ features an assist from Cavetown, as well as truly gigantic guitars and even bigger earworm hooks. Try not to listen to it all day, you have work to do, probably.
The Offspring ‘Make It All Right’
There’s a hot new band making the rounds. The kids are calling them ‘The Spring’ which is short for ‘The Offspring.’ Perhaps we’re more out of touch than we previously thought, because this is the first we’re hearing of the California quintet. We doubt it’s the last however, because their latest single ‘Make It All Right’ is destined to be the song of the summer. Make sure to keep an eye out for these guys, because we have a feeling shit’s about to blow up for them!
Even though you just said ‘sick, I’ll check it out later,’ we know you better at this point. You have no intention of listening to any of these songs. Admit it. That’s why we created a playlist for you, so all you need to do is click here, and let the tunes roll. We update it every week too, so there’s no excuse not to have better taste from this point forward.
“Squeeze,” technically the final release from the Velvets (OK, like any true fan of this band, I am a pretentious asshole), is a universally reviled album that nobody thinks even counts, because it contains none of the band’s original members. And the Velvet Underground without Lou Reed is irredeemably bad, like the Misfits without Glenn Danzig, or the Dave Matthews Band with Dave Matthews. For any contrarians who call this album “surprisingly listenable” or whatever, that’s exactly the problem — the Velvets’ genius lies precisely in how unlistenable they are.
Since the Velvets only have four proper LPs, their cultish fanbase clings to outtakes, a million different live albums, expanded rereleases with pointless alternate mixes, and bootlegs that have absurd names like “The Fuckwell Tapes ‘68” and “Live From Old Skinny Larry’s Manhattan Tenement,” if I’m remembering those correctly. While there’s incredible music all throughout, much of it is geared toward diehard fans without jobs. But, if you’re looking to get into the Velvets’ extended universe, start with VU’s delightful set of outtakes recorded 1968-69 and released long after the band called it quits. This quirky gem, the better of two outtakes albums, contains most of a storied “lost album,” which I hear was discovered over at Old Skinny Larry’s place on the Lower East Side before it got converted into a luxury unit.
“Loaded,” the Velvets’ true farewell, is their only album that won’t clear out a room of normal people. It’s not as boundary-pushing as their earlier work, but Lou’s virtuosic songwriting and pop sensibilities really shine throughout this gorgeous, well-constructed record. Doug “Judas” Yule’s vocals are featured heavily, which some people hate, especially given his “Squeeze” blasphemy. But let’s be honest, you can’t even tell the difference between him and Lou singing here anyway. This is the Velvets’ weakest proper album, meaning it’s only slightly less than perfect.
In yet another example of our country’s anti-Welsh racism, Lou Reed canned founding member John Cale before making this record. On one hand, this is a shame, because Cale masterminded the unpleasant droning that helped make the first two albums so artistic and cool. On the other, if Lou never fired him, Cale wouldn’t likely have made that stunning rendition of “Hallelujah” from the first “Shrek.” And what’s more, we wouldn’t have this achingly tender and subdued record. Although the Velvets stopped singing about drugs for this album, songs like “Pale Blue Eyes” are the sonic equivalent of opiates — warm, transcendent, and tragic. So actually, yeah, fuck Wales.
Punk. Shoegaze. New Wave. Ragtime. Cumbia. The Velvets’ legendary debut single-handedly invented these genres and more, changing popular music forever — despite famously being a commercial failure early on. Did you think we weren’t going to mention that fucking Brian Eno quote? Too bad. He said, “I was talking to Lou Reed the other day and he said that the first Velvet Underground record sold 30,000 copies in the first five years, and it’s all because he went door-to-door asking people to please listen, and they did. And Lou actually made a lot of friends that way and learned that friendship is important and maybe he shouldn’t be so mean. And I think he mentioned some of those people started a band!” Sorry, but that explains it all.
Oh ho, weren’t expecting this at number one, were you? The Hard Times is a punk site, so of course this rabid underdog is our favorite. Look up “proto-punk” in a dictionary, and you’ll soon learn that standard dictionaries don’t contain niche terms like that. But do some Googling and yeah, you’ll see this album is proto-punk as fuck — the primordial ooze from which so much beautiful filth has sprung. The Velvets’ debut was supremely avant-garde, but White Light/White Heat was somehow even avant-garder, reaching unparalleled heights of cacophony and unintelligibility. If White Light is your favorite Velvets record, the one or two people in your life who give a shit will (SWEETLY) respect this as a cool choice.