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Neo-Liberal Mayor Paints Anti-Homeless Spikes For Pride

STAMFORD, Conn. — Mayor Shannon Still reiterated her city’s commitment to celebrating lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people by hiring a local artist to paint the area’s hostile architecture in a rainbow pattern, sources currently calling the cops confirmed.

“After seeing all the attacks on this marginalized group, we are making it clear that all people, no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity, are welcome here,” said Mayor Still as she supervised the hanging of a “Love Is Love” banner on a gate covering a shady spot under an outdoor staircase. “We’ve painted rainbow flags on the sleeping deterrents on our public benches and increased funding for law enforcement to look out for vagrants and drifters who might incite violence. And we’ve gone all out for the parade. We cut down the trees along the route to increase visibility and put in planters, so there will be plenty of spots to stand without the ‘unhoused’ tents getting in the way.”

Local community groups welcomed Mayor Still’s support of their ongoing inclusion efforts.

“The pursuit of acceptance and equality is a 24/7 job, but we appreciate the city’s commitment and support, especially during Pride,” said Gray Parker, President of the Stamford Chapter of UnVisible LGBTQIA+. “They stepped up in a big way, stationing security guards at our libraries to suss out suspicious people who look like they might challenge books, and ordered St. Luke’s African Methodist Episcopal Soup Kitchen to pause operations so it can be used as a safe space/reading room/vendor marketplace.”

As expected, these measures have been criticized by conservative groups, but there has been pushback from those in the queer community as well.

“While the mission is certainly admirable, the execution raises concerns of political pinkwashing,” said activist Elie Trumaneas as they unpacked boxes of apparel. “The City Council is using Pride as an empty gesture for political goodwill without any lasting forward movement. And frankly, if you know a single queer person, you know that many of us are committed to providing for those in need, instead of punishing them for simply existing. You can read about it in our latest print edition newsletter, thanks to a generous donation from Exxon-Mobil.”

Mayor Stills insists these will be lasting changes and that they intend to celebrate cultures and communities throughout the year, mentioning that for Hispanic Heritage Month they will be “blasting” Salsa music in the all-weather gazebos in Commons Park.