Press "Enter" to skip to content

We Sit Down With Emily the Strange Because She’s Running the Haunted Bed and Breakfast We Booked

Emily the Strange, the ingenious young girl with a fascination for all things macabre and one time unofficial Hot Topic mascot, is as synonymous with goth as Siouxsie Sioux and the color black. It’s been a hot minute since we’ve seen her around, so you could only imagine our surprise running into her on our vacation in Blandindulle, mostly because she’s the owner of the haunted B&B we’re trying to escape.

The Hard Times: Wow, you’re the last person we expected to see working the front desk at 1 a.m. Is your mom around? We’d like to chat with her about some issues we’ve been having with our stay.

EMILY: Patti isn’t here. You can talk to me, I own the place. Hotel entrepreneurship is my specialty after molecular biology and skateboarding.

Oh uh, that’s cool. Well listen, when we spoke to the guy on the phone last week he said there’d be activities like gardening and yoga, and it looks like the backyard is just a freshly dug up graveyard.

Not sure who you spoke to, I’m the only person within twenty miles – oh, wait that was probably Raven. He’s the cybernetic golem I made out of reanimated bird parts and he’s also the head chef. But yeah, we’re replanting the coffins tonight if that’s your thing. Any other dumb crap you want to bug me about?

Uhhhh well it’s just that last night we were woken up by some weird noises. It was back and forth between guttural screams and moans of anguish. Are there some escaped mental patients staying here or something?

No, those guys checked out a few days ago. You’re the only guest staying here, but you’re not the only souls, if you catch my drift. They can be noisy but they came with the house and keep better company than the living. Speaking of which, any interest in helping me test out this brain-scanning machine I’ve been working on? I’ve run out of test subjects.

We’ll take a raincheck on that. Listen now that we think about it, the La Quinta Inn by the airport might be more our style. Could we check out?

Technically yes, but the doors lock from the outside so you might as well get comfortable. Besides, I’m giving a lecture on theoretical physics and contacting the dead so I’m going to need your undivided attention. Plus it’ll give the cats time to tidy up the room.

So the cats are-

The cleaning staff, yes. Just so you know Mystery and NeeChee will bite you and whisper ancient languages from before recorded time to drive you insane if you left wet towels on the floor on top of a $25 fee.

Fine, but we’re not making the bed! But seriously, we ought to be going and I’m sure it’s past your bedtime. WAIT WHY ARE THE WALLS MOVING?

Look,I don’t walk into your job and slap the piss out of your mouth, don’t tell me how to run a hotel where all the paintings come to life. Relax and let the poltergeists do their thing. It’s not like you’re going to die. Yet. Man, if there’s one thing that spoils running an unlicensed B&B from hell, it’s other people!