Middleburg, Florida’s The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus formed in 2003, was under the radar until 2006, and released their debut album “Don’t You Fake It” that very year, and as of today in the year of our lord it is Platinum and counting. One of the lesser discussed bands of the mall screamo movement, their first LP is now a scene mainstay with three hit singles, one of which being the anthem to end all anthems known as “Face Down.” If you listened to rock radio in the mid-aughts, you couldn’t avoid hearing this track, and if you rock out to Warped Tour-esque playlists to this day, good luck NOT encountering this song. We attempted to rank the band’s FIVE, yes, five, albums below, and we prove on record that the band has more than one freaking song AND four albums that you may have missed.
5. Lonely Road (2009)
Scene-ioritis? GODSPEED! Although The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ sophomore album “Lonely Road,” was ambitious in the way that the band temporarily fled the scene world for a Sunset Strip ‘80s metal vibe, it was a misfire amongst fans and the like, and thus, its title was unintentionally accurate. The record debuted at number fourteen on the Billboard 200, but quickly faded away shortly after, and would be the band’s last full-length studio album on a major label. Vocalist Ronnie Winter’s voice hit notes that were higher than most on “The Up in Smoke Tour” here, but that’s where the fun ended, and critics from much inferior publications echoed said sentiments on pen, paper, pleads, postcards, and other “P” words.
Play it again: “You Better Pray”
Skip it: ½ of it
4. The Awakening (2018)
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ fifth and most recent LP is the first good album to be mentioned here. Many readers here may not know this but The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is a Christian Rock band, and the highlighted “play it again” track here,”On Becoming Willing,” topped the Christian Rock Billboard charts for quite some time, whilst staying under the radar amongst non-denominational punks of all shapes and sizes. “The Awakening” is also a concept album, and the first of such in the band’s catalog. It’s been nearly six years since this record hit stores (remember those?) and RJA fans all over the world are eagerly waiting for another, especially given the fact that the aughts rock boom is now nostalgia music, so there is more than some unfinished business on the proverbial table.
Play it again: “On Becoming Willing”
Skip it: ⅓ of it
3. 4 (2014)
Starting with a haunting piano intro via album opener “Grimm 2.0” which was reminiscent of Tim Burton films, “4” deserves your attention and affection if you missed it in 2014; ignorance is not bliss here and you’re the mocking Jay, Captain Hunger Games. If you heard it then and/or still vibe with it today, Jesus and/or Moses may be your rock star; we know, right? Fun fact: This album exists because of some of you hardcore RJA fanboys and fangirls reading here who donated to the band’s fundraising IndieGoGo campaign; it was you… The right direction!
Play it again: “California”
Skip it: ¼ of it
2. Am I the Enemy (2011)
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made the correct calculated move by working with scene svengali John Feldmann of No Use For A Name on their third LP “Am I the Enemy.” If you still need to ask, “Where are the heroes?,” don’t lose hope, don’t you fake it, do not pass go/collect $200, and listen to this one front to back for little filler and/or questions as to why this band was hugely successful and still converts new heads on the daily. The band used to look to you for direction, but that was before they saw the deception that was hidden behind your eyes. Deep? Yes, but that was just your empty pride in RJA lyric form.
Play it again: “Reap”
Skip it: “Where Are The Heroes”
1. Don’t You Fake It (2006)
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ breakout LP is a “no skip” effort that counterbalances the duds on album 2, the inconsistencies on albums 4 and 5, and the almost perfect third LP. This record is so good that it has another version known as “Don’t You Fake It (Alliance Edition),” but only check that one out after you listen to this one seventeen (ain’t so sweet) times; if you choose that one first, your emo hearts will forever feel disconnected with a combination of solo misery and damn regret. If you’re still a hater regarding this band’s inclusion here, go to their Spotify and marvel at the hundreds of millions of streams and the near five million monthly listeners; for context, Yellowcard has nearly one million less monthly listeners and Skankin’ Pickle has just over twenty-three thousand.
Play it again: 0:01-44:28
Skip it: Faking it
Stealing goes against the code of the Samurai so we will stay clean during the film out of respect. But we still might pirate the soundtrack on LimeWire.
This biography told through symbolism and metaphors is one of the most visually pleasing films to ever exist. To symbolize our thievery actions, we will be providing finger shaped coupons, five to be exact, laid out to represent our five-finger discount. The coupons will each be dipped in honey to ensure they are sticky fingers as well. If you complain that the metaphor is too obvious and mixed, well EXCUSE us for not exactly being Armenian poet Sayat-Nova, let alone Sergei Parajanov!
Danny Boyle’s debut film about flatmates turning on each other will be a nice prelude to when you turn on your own roommates because you think they used up all the toilet paper. The truth is that we took it, but we’ll never tell.
Although this is through Criterion and therefore should be watched through a film theory eye, playing the music of these Beastie Boys is still a cultural significance that one is throwing a party. People will be hearing “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” outside your home and immediately know it is okay to head over. We will be playing the role of the worst party guests by drinking all your beer, pocketing ashtrays, and stealing jewelry from your bedroom.
“Pink Flamingos” may be the big one, but the Odor-Rama scratch-n-sniff card that is to be used while watching John water’s 1981 classic is perfect for distracting that all your glade plug-ins have gone into our pockets.
This movie features the kind of unsimulated disturbing imagery typically saved for weird links teenagers stumble upon when online too much. As an American you may find it hard to decipher what the rich businessman in a cowboy hat urinating on people named Mr. Kapital may represent. Between the extremely subtle political statements and a collection of sexual acts that are totally not controversial in any form, it makes me want to say no to capitalism, no to communism, let us follow the politics of the mighty ant by stealing your sugar for our queen.
Snoochies boochies, we swiped your hockey jerseys!
Contemporary artist Takashi Murakami makes his debut as a director with a film that is loosely just Pokémon. Let Murakami’s trademark overbearing positivity wash over you as we take your prized possession, your holographic Charizard.
Draags a race of aliens who wear ripped spandex and are too busy doing new-age activities to notice how miserable their pets are. We all knew people like that when we were 19 but this time they’re blue giants with fins for ears. Experience a world of psychedelic empathy towards animals being transmitted into your pineal gland as some funky prog rock plays. We will be taking your lava lamps now.
“Repo Man” is a desolate alternate world where products don’t have any graphic design or mascots on them. Just thinking of the movie makes us glad to live in a world where the Cheerios Honey Bee exists. Enjoy the amazing soundtrack and fun acting of Emilio Estevez while we take all your name-brand products.
A goth boy falls in love with an elderly hippie who teaches him how to be a silly goose. Laugh together with this dark comedy on embracing life while we smuggle your toaster oven under your shirt. Only depressed people cook with those anyway.
Soviet movies are always so upbeat, so this one about a Nazi occupation must be no different. This example of vicarious PTSD is the kind of film you make British gang members watch while you perform prison experiments to make them give up listening to Beethoven and wearing codpieces. With any luck, you too will be disposing of your Beethoven records and codpieces in the trash for us to take. Cheer up though, Nazis were defeated and now we don’t have to worry about any other governments committing war crimes, right?
Queen Elizabeth I has time-traveled to see our beautiful England destroyed in the ruins of punk rock. Derek Jarman’s safety-pinned satire stars several punk icons of the scene playing broke, violent wankers who keep their mattresses on the floor. Everyone in this movie may sleep on the floor, but not in the real world, not anymore. The point I’m saying is that we took your bed frame.
Tarkovsky brings a slow, atmospheric aesthetic to give the viewer a real feeling of what it is like to journey through the mysterious wasteland known only as “The Zone”. You will be sucked into this desolate world of uncertainty and wonder if the journey to the “Room” is worth it all. Do you truly know what your deepest desires are? I know what mine are and it’s to have your autographed Bon Jovi poster.
Watch Spike Lee’s 1989 film on racism, police brutality, and reactions to it with your whitest friend. If you are white, watch it with your most racist relative. Afterwards discuss Mookie’s actions to reveal enough about the person afterwards. To make it more immersive to the film we will be taking your air conditioner.
Criterion films are your new flesh. The outstanding special effects and acting of Debbie Harry is but one cell of this new skin. Your new flesh tells your senses that you no longer need your Furby collection. Give it to us.
Try the Chit Chat Challenge. You’ve lived next to your neighbor for two years and still don’t know his name, so can you converse with them for more than three minutes? The hardest part is the phrases, “Nice weather we’re having” and “Did you catch the game last night?” are strictly forbidden. Bonus points if you can record the interaction without making it look like you’re about to run to the HOA and accuse them of stealing your mail.
Do you have what it takes to impress a room full of family members that you haven’t seen in a decade? This is more of a challenge for millennials who have no idea what artists the DJ is playing, so unless you plan on doing the “running man” for three hours straight you better bring your A-game.
There is a shocking number of legal adults who do not know how to boil water. In the name of all that is holy, it’s two fucking steps. Each day we are inching closer to midnight on the Idiocracy doomsday clock and may soon find ourselves wondering again if the sun revolves around the Earth. In the name of all that is holy just prove that you can make macaroni and cheese.
Everyone has failed this challenge. Don’t even bother, it doesn’t matter.
Hey, remember being alone with your thoughts? Try recording yourself driving to work or whatever destination causes you the most stress without a podcast about dead white women or the same album you’re been listening to since you were 17. You might finally figure out how to get your life together, but there have been a few challengers who’ve tried this and gone insane. Remember: if you stare into the interstate, the interstate stares back.
Jesus once said that man cannot survive on bread alone, but that was before it cost $7 a loaf. Since it costs half a paycheck if you want produce not seasoned by pesticides, those who’ve answered the challenge have found nifty life hacks to stretch their budget. Spoiler alert: it’s shoplifting.