The Mountain Goats’ sound could be likened to the reality of being a weekend dad set in a minor key. As we’ve discussed before, the band exudes big divorce energy in nearly every element of their existence, and so it’s only natural that you’re gonna want to hear a couple of Goats songs while you yourself are dealing with bitter personal turmoil.
But there’s just one problem: that pesky guy in the big black robe who keeps insisting you’re “out of order!” Here are twenty-five Mountain Goats songs ranked by how mad that guy currently is at you. (Go listen to the playlist while you read along)
25. “Whole Wide World”
The judge was never going to be happy that you decided to bring your own soundtrack into his courtroom. But if you throw on “Whole Wide World” right after you’re sworn in it’s gonna be the most chill reaction you’re going to get outta the guy. And then it’s all downhill from here.
24. “Clean Slate”
Who says divorce hearings can’t be fun? Oh, right – the law. Well at least this catchy song with a snazzy horn section will help you make the most of it while your ex gives you the stink eye the whole time you’re there.
23. “Island Garden Song”
Judge’s are usually pretty dumb, so they probably won’t notice that this song is basically one long anarcho-primitivist fantasy. Also, if your judge happens to have a green thumb, playing this might help you get them to admit that your ex’s mother-in-law really is a total bitch.
22. “Fault Lines”
Play this one while the judge is in the bathroom, or right after they get back from lunch. The song won’t matter so much, they’ll just be more relieved in general.
21. “Jam Eater Blues”
Around this point, maybe refrain from trying to casually bring up whether or not the judge has ever had a sexual fantasy about that statue of the blindfolded lady in the toga with the scales they have in the back of the courthouse. Of course they have but they may not be ready to open up with you like that yet.
20. “This Year”
Surprisingly enough, the judge is actually gonna be pretty cool with this one. Sure, at first he’ll wanna knock your teeth out for playing such a crass song about youthful rebellion, but after a while he’ll chalk it all up to “boys will be boys” and let you off the hook – though the same cannot be said for your ex’s lawyer is a close friend of their dad.
19. “The Slow Parts on Death Metal Albums”
As long as you can resist the urge to really crank the volume on this song the judge will only be mildly annoyed by this whole fiasco. At least that’s as far as you can tell – judges don’t show anger the same way real humans do.
18. “Sax Rohmer #1”
At a certain point the judge will be forced to inform you that you will not in fact be going home like the song says, you will be going to small claims court for all those boat documents you attempted to smuggle into the Cayman Islands. Then he’s gonna call you a jerk, but that’ll be about it.
17. “Woke Up New”
While blasting this mellow-ass track about unflinching sadness isn’t gonna win you any points in court, it’s also soothing enough that it isn’t going to further instigate the judge’s wrath after it took you way too long to pair your phone with the speaker to begin with.
16. “Transcendental Youth”
This album closer is a great soundtrack for the moment when the judge finally throws the book at you. Not literally we mean – he’s not that mad. Though technically he did give your ex the house so maybe there is something to that.
15. “1 Samuel 15:23”
Anytime you quote the bible in court it’s really gonna be a toss-up depending on the verse and denomination of whoever controls your State’s judiciary at the time. Really, any track from “The Life of the World To Come” could work for this one, but “1 Samuel 15:23” is a pretty read song so screw it, we’re going with this.
14. “Elijah”
Have you ever heard your dad say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Well, we’re sorry to tell you that he was in fact mad at you and, in this moment, so is everyone in the courtroom.
13. “Song For Sasha Banks”
Telling the courtroom “My daughter is named Sasha” is not going to put the judge in any less of a foul mood, particularly considering that your daughter’s name is Susan.
12. “For the Snakes”
This is the song that will make the judge finally reach over to take the speaker away from you. He’s not supposed to reach like that, and he’s definitely not allowed to grab you by the collar and shake you, but nobody else seems to be doing anything about this whole thing.
11. “The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton”
Hail Satan!!! But seriously, don’t play this in a courtroom unless you want the judge to angrily point out every reference to white Jesus that has been carved into the very framework of the courtroom.
10. “Make You Suffer”
Unfortunately, “make you suffer” is also what your ex’s lawyer promised to make you do at the start of this hearing. Somehow the song just doesn’t have the same appeal now.
9. “Linda Blair Was Born Innocent”
Listen, you don’t decide who is innocent – the judge does that. If you try to tell them otherwise it is going to end badly for you, so maybe give this one a skip until after the ruling on your failed marriage.
8. “Heretic Pride”
“Oh, there’s about to be a reckoning,” will say the judge when you play this song. But I doubt you’re gonna be so proud of yourself when it finally arrives, you arrogant little child support dodger.
7. “Going To Georgia”
As soon as this song mentions that you have a “Colt 45 with a busted safety catch” the judge will have already called over the bailiff to taser you into an electrocuted oblivion. Enjoy pissing your pants on the witness stand while your ex secures a hefty alimony payment.
6. “In League With Dragons”
We’re not really sure why the judge hates this one. But he’s now actively trying to have you thrown in prison for “fur fraud” for no reason so maybe just try to redirect him back to your divorce that’s going on.
5. “Paid In Cocaine”
Playing this might as well be an admission of fault. Even the stenographer will be looking to clock you hard when this track starts playing.
4. “The Legend of Chavo Guerrero”
Bad news. This judge is more of a Spike Dudley fan and he’s currently rolling up his sleeves for an Awesome Bomb with your name on it.
3. “Getting Into Knives”
From personal experience, we can tell you that just talking about extracurricular experiences with knives is a great way to have every cop in the building waiting to take you down right outside the courtroom doors while the judge, in righteous fury, orders your antique knife collection sold off to pay for court costs.
2. “Up the Wolves”
We mean, the lyrics to this one straight up say that you want to “kill all the judges.” There’s little chance you’ll be able to play this song without the judge bashing you over the head with their gavel in a rage-fueled impulse of self-preservation.
1. “No Children”
Your judge has definitely heard this one at so many divorce hearings before (you didn’t think you were the only one to think to sneak in a sleeper, did you?). But as such, every judge everywhere absolutely hates this song. Just the first few opening chords of “No Children” are enough to ensure that they will do everything they can to award your ex power over you for the rest of your life, and later your corpse for all of time.
Go listen to the full playlist:
Photo by Leslie Veen
Fun? Yes. Corny? At times. Self-aware? Yep, yep, yep. Limp Bizkit’s fifth studio LP “Gold Cobra” was their first full-length effort in eight years. First off, Limp Bizkit has never ever sucked; they were a product of their time, a weird time. Also, the OG “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all” debut LP lineup was back in full force at five for five via “Gold Cobra,” and fans old and new school rejoiced, as the loss of Wes Borland showcased that the band had huge shoes to fill and that they could actualize filling ‘em. If you still lambast Limp Bizkit just for the idea of doing such, get a life, Captain Loser/Douchebag, try harder, and kill the hater in you. In badass form, this album’s follow-up is a GREAT improvement.
Limp Bizkit’s fourth studio album may have been doomed from its start due to principal member guitarist Wes Borland leaving the band, but it is better than you remember, and “Eat You Alive” remains a top ten LB single. Once Borland left, Limp Bizkit had a publicly unsuccessful search for a replacement, but Mike Smith of Snot took the position, albeit for a short time. The growing pains show up on this LP on the mic, underneath the gun, and the band’s momentum was down another day, that’s for sure! Also, whatever your thoughts on their The Who cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” is, and we assume it is not very positive in the slightest, it was a cocky and badass move to utilize a rapper’s singing vocals with LB’s spin on the classic rock megahit.
Limp Bizkit released their first album in just over ten years with their sixth effort “Still Sucks,” and not only is the record their most succinct at twelve tracks that last just over thirty-two minutes but, it is the first mentioned here that is a consistent listen front to back, AND it doesn’t suck. In a super cool flex, critics from inferior publications ate this one up, and the album was critically acclaimed and, “Dad Vibes,” the album’s first single, got verbal accolades as well. If this record was the subsequent full-length album after “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” and both of its follow-ups were EPs instead of LPs, their studio album catalog would be nearly flawless.
“Significant Other” showcased to the world with literal data that the band was one of the biggest acts in the world, and climbed to number one on the Billboard 200, yes, NUMBER %^&*ing ONE. It’s hard for a band to have one single do well in the mainstream, let alone four, but most albums don’t contain “Nookie,” our highlight track “Re-Arranged,” “N 2 Gether Now,” and “Break Stuff.” Many wrote off the band as a novelty act for the hit Debbie Gibson cover song from its debut predecessor “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” but those who did were proven that they didn’t deserve anyone’s trust; a lesson learned. Since Fred Durst raps, this album looked like a typical hip-hop record with features from Jonathan Davis of Korn, Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots, Aaron Lewis of Staind, and Method Man of Salt-N-Pepa.
This album, “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” may have one of the worst album titles of all time, but it is SO much more than “Faith,” AND “Faith” rules too! From “Intro” directly into our highlight track “Pollution,” Limp Bizkit introduced themselves to the world with a “don’t mess with us or we will cut you” brutal attitude laden with impassioned screams, razor sharp rhymes, insane/underrated musicianship from a rhythm section (Sam Rivers and John Otto) and turntablist (DJ Lethal), and an ambitious rock guitarist. ’90s demigod Ross Robinson produced this LP to perfection, and angry white kids with backwards hats, baggy jeans, and Cheetos stained teeth/garments all over America, and eventually the globe, ate it in droves. The record came out at the perfect time, as bands in this world were about to become the trendsetters, and LB rode the wave to a sustainable career.
Third time’s a charm? “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” Limp Bizkit’s third full-length studio LP, may have one of the best album titles of all time, and yes, we know about Hoobastank’s self-titled effort. Also, like its predecessor “Significant Water,” the starfish and meat H2O appeared at number one on the Billboard 100, had four very successful singles, and one that was just successful without the word “very” before it. Fun fact: Track two, “Hot Dog,” uses the F-word forty-seven times, which is even more than that time your dad was was walking around the house barefoot and stubbed his toe on one of the kitchen table legs and his toenail fell off. Anyway, it’ll be ok if you revisit this album right now in an air raid or urban assault vehicle; we just want you to live it up your way whilst you getcha groove on.
Oh yeah, “Die Hard” is a great left-of-center Christmas movie… like 10 years ago! At this point, even your Mom recognizes “Die Hard” to be an offbeat Christmas movie, and while championing it as such is still obnoxious, it’s sadly become too pedestrian to take the place of an entire personal ethos. Nowadays you gotta try a little harder than that to try too hard.
Sure it’s got a couple of doofuses being hit in the balls with paint cans and such, and as a person with no discernible personality or interests that’s the height of comedy to you! Unfortunately “Home Alone” is just too close to an actual recognized Christmas movie for you to sell loving it as an interesting quirk. You could maybe get away with claiming “Home Alone 3” is your favorite but that may require some actual nuance and thought on your part, and boy are you tired.
Good news! They don’t really make a ton of rom-coms anymore, so liking them makes you a real, legitimate, honest to god type of person! You have a TASTE! We’re pretty sure Christmas was in this one somewhere, don’t most of these have a Christmas scene?
Have you already made liking Harry Potter your entire personality? No need to switch gears for the Holidays! Remember, every one of these movies features a Christmas scene, so you’re in the clear! Sure, J.K. Rowling has made a hard turn to the dark side in recent years, but nothing embodies the holiday season more than overlooking the deep-seated flaws of the people you grew up with!
Another Christmas-laden rom-com, but tread carefully with this one. It is after all, a movie about someone who assumes the identity of someone else, and you are, after all, an NPC trying to pass yourself off as someone with cultivated tastes. It might tip your hand!
Do you remember AOL? And is asking that the closest thing to an ice breaker you can muster when meeting other people your own age? Then you’ve got a new favorite Christmas movie!
Are you the sort of person who, when asked what they like to do, blurts out “Go to the gym,” and then kind of trails off or tries to change the subject? Good news! Rocky 4’s final fight in Russia takes place on Christmas day! You might have been too distracted by Rocky ending communism to notice, but yup, it’s for sure Christmas! Now, when asked to describe yourself, you can say TWO things!
Oh hell yeah. Deep down you may know you’re a dullard and a coward, but when you pick “Eyes Wide Shut” as your favorite Christmas movie, you say to the world “I am an interesting and smart sex person.” Whoever you’re talking to may have some follow-up questions about someone named Stanely Kubrick, just say he’s a genius.
Are you wearing a Batman logo shirt right now because you honest to god can’t think of what else to do? Well, good news! “Batman Returns” while not technically a Christmas movie, is loaded with Christmas settings and imagery, which makes watching it in December technically interesting!
Another “too close to an actual Christmas movie” not quite a Christmas movie, but claiming it as your favorite will definitely remind people to think the word “Ugh” every time they see you. It is a singular movie for sure. No film before or since “Love Actually” has managed to be so problematic while somehow being so boring. Any other movie with this much fat shaming, stalking, and lack of agency in its female characters should at least make you angry enough to stay awake the whole time.
The problem with being a broody and melodramatic person is that people assume you’re complex when often you’re just sort of tired a lot. For most of those people, there are Tim Burton movies. But growing up, were you less the “safety pins all over my clothes” type and more the “reading Jane Eyre in public” type? Then it’s time to ditch “The Nightmare Before Christmas” for “Little Women” this holiday season. The 2019 one is objectively better, but you could also be way into the 1994 one to make people you possess something called “nostalgia.”
The Christmas scene in this one encapsulates the sense of loneliness and isolation many people can feel around the holidays, so you’ll get some major deepness points. Just don’t let anyone know you think Tom Hanks is the hero of the movie.
It’s not really a Christmas movie, but come on, all the elements are there. Snow, Reindeer, magic… It’s sort of like how you have all the elements of a person. A pulse, bank cards, a coffee mug with something funny written on it…
An irreverent, offbeat Christmas movie with an important message: The highs and lows of our lives are determined by the childish whims of the elite rich.
It’s a cut above all of the other Christmas-set rom-com movies because it stars Ryan Reynolds, the patron saint of people pretending to be interesting.
To put it bluntly for your protection, caution, review, and obvious discretion, Incubus’ seventh full-length studio album “If Not Now, When?” has the least amount of replay value across their lovely and friendly catalog, and thus, this pretty boring record is in the golden stinker slot. Like we say in the “skip it” section here, approximately half of this record shouldn’t have been released, especially on the band’s first album in six years, and if Incubus had censored various tracks, or released the other songs as B-sides/rarities, an EP called “If Not” would’ve been much more thrilling, fellas. Thankfully the band would return to rocking hard on “8,” this album’s much better but still inconsistent follow-up.
Like we mentioned earlier, “8,” Incubus’ eighth and numerically listed album, and (un)lucky #7 here, is a straightforward return to rockin’ form a la previous efforts, but sadly still uneven at times like an odd number! Fun fact: From First To Last vocalist/Skrillex Sonny Moore, an obvious uber superfan of Incubus, co-produced and mixed various tracks here after production from D. Sardy, monumental producer and familiar face on Far’s “Water & Solutions” and Near’s “Fire & Problems,” which may sound literally surprising to you and most pedestrians as they are NOT dubstep tracks in any way, shape, or form. Incubus needs to throw out the map for the next one, whenever it gets recorded, and rise back to undefeated status like in the early-aughts. In closing, this record debuted at number four on the US Billboard 200, proving that people still care.
While “Light Grenades” is easily the first full-length studio effort referenced in this piece that is a consistent album front to back for all fans of oil, water, diamonds, AND coal, it still falls short of the top five simply because their catalog is so damn strong that love hurts. We would love to flatter the band sans hyperbole by saying that “Anna Molly” is a top five Incubus single. Also, said track, “Dig,” “Love Hurts,” and “Hate Heals” were all radio hits, and this record debuted at number ONE on the Billboard 200, which is both a fire in the attic AND proof of the prize, went GOLD in the states, and killed outside worldwide.
Even though Incubus hasn’t played any songs from their debut LP “Fungus Amongus” in approximately twenty years, this record is a fan favorite for both superfans and casual ones. Self-released by the band’s own label Chillum (yes, Chillum; the ’90s were weird and shouldn’t be held in such high regard) Records in 1995, various tracks were re-recorded for the band’s first major label release via Immortal/Epic Records, “Enjoy Incubus,” which is an EP, fools, so it doesn’t count here, and eventually due to over and underground acclaim, “Fungus Amongus” eventually got a conglomerate re-release with a minor entry at one-hundred-and-sixteen on the US Billboard 200. Don’t you make fun of us for the “low” placement here; we can easily speak free(ly), and say on record that the next four are just better! We may get some flak for this, but “Enjoy Incubus” is even more enjoyable.
While this may be your number one or number two, we are the ones asking the questions here, so “Morning View” just missed a medal slot by an inch under our umbrella, despite it being the band’s best-selling CD (remember those?) as of press time, and likely forever and ever amen. The band’s fourth album is definitely their biggest departure from where they started, and the funky Mr. Bungle undertones got replaced with drum-circling good vibes. The band legally has to play “Wish You Were Here” at every show now for the rest of their career, but singles “Nice to Know You” and “Warning” deserve as much reverence, and non-single “Circles” rocks as the meat in the Know-Were bread sandwich; blink blink blink. While the band’s non-aggressive songs usually infect the radio, their gritty ones are the unsung heroes of Incubus’ catalog.
Pardon us, but by opening with their best song “Privilege,” Incubus’ third LP/breakout masterpiece, “Make Yourself,” closed out the 1990s, easily the second-best decade in rock music next to the 1960s, in stellar, stellar style, and opened the 2000s with mega, mega hits. Basically, Incubus took the frenetic musicianship out of their sonic approach, and replaced it with more clean, warm, concise, and deliberate parts, which truly worked with the mainstream, but as a consequence, alienated a cornucopia of fans of their debut “Fungus Amongus,” and the yet to be mentioned sophomore release “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” Still, we absolutely stan this record here, even if it is the dreaded word “accessible,” and “Make Yourself” absolutely deserves to be in the bronze medal slot here. The record itself was not an immediate hit, but it showed the globe that some are growers and not showers.
Incubus’ second LP “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” is the first of two “no skip” releases to be listed here. Eventually going Gold and like its follow-up “Make Yourself,” it wasn’t an overnight success, but “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” definitely contributed positively to the dopey to some and catchy to all nu-metal movement, which truly picked up steam approximately one-two years after its release with acts like Limp Bizkit, Korn, Coal Chamber, and Shania Twain, Incubus seemed like the black sheep of said trend, as they were hyper literate and uber thoughtful whilst rocking so much harder than bands that claimed to rock harder than rocks. Plus, the album cover is weird as hell.
Incubus’ fifth album “A Crow Left of the Murder” is for the real ones, and not just southern girls. Well, coming out directly after the zen-like “Morning View,” Incubus opened the bird floodgates here with a lot of anger and even more experimentation and managed to make the absolutely weird quite positively accessible, which is a feat in mainstream music. Returning to the frenetic sounds of “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” may not have handed the band as many accessible favors as its two hit-laden predecessors, as only one single, “Megalomaniac” truly broke through the radio waves, but this record managed to expand on their now-classic sophomore sounds in a priceless manner with better musicianship and heavy in a non-derivative nu-metal way overtones. Your move, Three Days Grace.