PORTLAND, Ore. — Local record collector Eliza Vernon reported being distraught and is demanding a refund after the owner of Infinity Vinyl failed to compliment any of her impressive selections, devastated sources confirm.
“I just don’t get it. I’ve never been treated with such disdain in my life,” said Vernon, while recovering at a nearby coffee shop. “Minutemen’s ‘Double Nickels On The Dime,’ Lauryn Hill’s ‘The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill,’ Burial’s ‘Untrue’ — I had every base covered, yet I was met with a deafening silence that will haunt my dreams for months, except for being told to pay $70, which is not a terrible deal. I will give him that. But the price doesn’t matter. It’s not like I am going to listen to these anyway.”
Jim Smith, owner of Infinity Vinyl, admitted his behavior was out of line for a record store professional.
“It is with deep regret that I corroborate Eliza Vernon’s accusations, I should have at least pointed to one of the records and said ‘Great album,’ but I failed,” Smith said. “I take full accountability for my mistakes. It had been a long day — new Taylor Swift vinyl had arrived and I had to completely remove M-Z in my ‘Punk/Hardcore’ section to make room for the thirty different variants — so I had not quite processed the immaculate pickings Vernon lay before me.”
Retail expert Frank Simmons explains that the recent resurgence of vinyl records is directly correlated to Generation Z’s unrelenting desire for external validation.
“If a song is poppin’ off, you add it to your Spotify playlist. To let people know you like it, you post the song to your Instagram Story. That’s how it works lately,” Simmons said. “However, what about when you’re out in public? Vinyl records are perfect. You don’t listen to them; you wear them as an accessory. They’re large, so once you leave the record store, everyone within a mile range can see the album cover and give you a compliment. Of course, the highest compliment is from the record store worker himself. If you don’t get that approval stamp, then you might as well put the record back on the shelf then move to the woods and live the rest of your life as a hermit.”
At press time, Vernon, still emotionally vulnerable, was upset when a CVS employee didn’t try to sign her up for the ExtraCare Rewards program.