Zoe Eri, Author at HARDTIMES

CIA A Little Insulted Venezuela Held Sham Election Without Them

Posted on July 29, 2024 by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — The US State Department held an emergency press conference this morning expressing that it was honestly a little bit insulted that the CIA was not invited to participate in Venezuela’s allegedly rigged election, officials have confirmed.

“We’re not saying the Venezuelan government can’t pack the election commission with loyalists, it just would’ve been nice to be invited that’s all. Sure we tried to plot a coup to oust Maduro, but we said we’re sorry and those sanctions were just for show! But finding this all out from a Snapchat from Argentina about Maduro claiming victory before the votes were even counted was a dagger through the heart,” said CIA spokesperson Jeff Wallace. “Now the official U.S. response has to be about condemning the election’s ‘integrity and transparency’ and not because they never asked for weapons to squash the opposition.”

Venezuelan government officials stated that they are able to hold a sham election without the United States hovering over them.

“We love the CIA’s work, but they don’t have to be involved with every backdoor shadow government scheme in Latin America. It’s hard enough maintaining a vice-like grip on an election when half your country lives below poverty, but I think we learned enough from them over the past 40 years where we can fly on our own. We’re totally capable of deploying our own machine gun toting paramilitary loyalists to prevent opposition voters from protesting the results,” said Hector Cordero. “We appreciate their efforts to control the region, but President Maduro wants to prove to the world that his cabinet can be openly violent and corrupt all by itself.”

Historians noted that this break from letting the CIA interfere with an election was nothing short of historic.

“Manipulating elections is as American as apple pie, and as nefarious as that sounds the CIA has every right to feel like Maduro is being a backstabbing bitch. Not even a text like ‘hey, can you help us block an opposition party nomination and crush a former diplomat in this election?’ or anything,” said Margaret Furman. “Venezuela is acting like they’re too good for assistance from a resource hungry superpower in exchange for oil. It’s a little ungrateful if you ask me, and it’ll probably blow up in their faces when the inevitable coup arrives and the U.S. won’t help Maduro flee.”

As of press time, the CIA announced that in an act of retaliation, Venezuela would be sanctioned from attending the agency’s Christmas party.

Olympic Skateboarding Competition Interrupted by Irate Woman Who Says the Noise Is Scaring Her Dog

Posted on July 29, 2024 by Trevor Graham

PARIS — The Olympic men’s street skateboarding final was interrupted mid-competition by a visibly flustered woman who said the sounds were scaring her dog, sources who remember when skating was a lot cooler confirmed.

“All these kids need to stop what they’re doing here right now because it’s making way too much noise and it’s scaring Monsieur Bonbon!,” said Carine Buchard standing in the middle of the street course holding a small white dog. “These kids do not belong here. This is a nice neighborhood for real Olympic sports like gymnastics and water polo. This is not some place for these drug dealers to play. Can’t they go do their skateboarding tricks on a half-pike somewhere else?”

Although the woman’s actions delayed the competition, some of the skater athletes say they actually did not mind the interruption.

“Yeah, it honestly didn’t bother me to see that lady out there yelling at all of us. If anything it made it feel like a real skate session,” said skater Tom Schaar. “I’m from Malibu and I’ve been a little homesick since coming to Paris but having some lady in expensive athleisure wear holding a small dog telling me to go skate somewhere else really made me feel right at home. It really hit home when she pretended to cry and claimed we were attacking her.”

Olympic officials say the interruption has given them new insights into the world of skateboarding and that it may have been a blessing in disguise.

“After speaking with some of the athletes we have concluded that someone trying to stop these skateboarders’ fun is very authentic and true to the sport,” said Olympic official Donald Reeves. “We are looking to possibly add a ‘Karen evasion’ component to future competitions. We need to make sure this will not give an unfair advantage to Team USA however as those competitors may have vast experience trying to skate in uptight, entitled areas and will easily win that portion of the competition.”

At press time, Ms. Buchard was quoted as saying she is looking to call the local Parks Department after coming across “A bunch of mountain bikers doing some kind of a race on the trail I took my dog on.”

Classic Rock Station Plays All the Hits from Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” to Boston’s “Peace of Mind”

Posted on July 29, 2024 by Steve Packosky

MILWAUKEE – Local FM classic rock station 104.7 WRFM proudly advertises its daily rotation of playing “all the hits” despite the fact that the hosts only play two songs on an endless loop, frustrated sources on their morning commutes confirmed.

“For over 40 years, Wisconsinites have been dialing in to get their daily dose of skull-crushing rock, which we always deliver with minimal commercial interruption,” said station D.J. Randy Mifflin. “We’re known for playing all the hits from the ‘70s and ‘80s, including Boston, to keep that head banging throughout your day. If you’re looking for something to satisfy your Boston itch, boy, have we got the stuff for you. Just be sure to turn the volume up to drown out your complaining neighbors. After all, this ain’t your grandpa’s radio station.”

Milwaukee resident Brett Murphy reacted with equal parts exasperation and frustration.

“I’ve completely given up on WRFM,” Murphy responded. “If I hear those opening acoustic chords to ‘Peace of Mind’ one more time I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I work in a garage that only has a radio, too, so it’s not like I can put on Spotify or anything. Their DJ even makes comments like ‘time to get the Led out!’ even though I’ve never even heard him play so much as ‘Black Dog.’ At this point I’ve switched to another station that only plays ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ and like, four songs by the Eagles.”

Broadcasting expert Keisha Brouchard commented on the impact of the disconnect between local radio stations and their listeners.

“People who still listen to FM radio withstand an unbelievable amount of repetition,” said Brouchard. “Whether it’s the constant barrage of shitty Twisted Tea commercials or the need to continuously spin ‘Crazy Train’ for whatever reason, stations are seemingly unaware that they are pushing their listeners to descend into madness. The human brain is only capable of enduring so much, and what we hear on FM radio isn’t all that different from actual torture when you think about it. In fact, the CIA can save itself time by just turning on a nearby radio in lieu of creating those torture playlists out of Drowning Pool songs and the Meow Mix theme.”

At press time, WRFM announced it would be expanding its catalog by playing the first 15 seconds of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” three times every hour.

Opinion: That Guy Who Follows the Same Pornstars as Me on Instagram Is a Real Creep

Posted on July 29, 2024 by Dan Rice

I had an extremely toxic relationship with social media for years, but I’ve finally whittled it down to just one perfectly curated Instagram consisting of adorable dogs, movie nostalgia pages, and plus-sized adult actresses’. All of the dopamine, none of the drama! That is, until recently. It seems my perfectly customized digital bubble has been burst, now that it’s come to my attention that this guy Kevin I know follows one of my favorite pornstars. And really, it makes sense that he follows pornstars on Instagram, the guy is a total creep!

I seriously don’t understand why Instagram insists on showing you when “friends” interact with posts on your feed. Now I’m burdened with the knowledge that some loser creepo perv like Kevin is gooning over the same picture of Estella Bathory’s ass as I am. Really kills the vibe!

Just look at the way this asshole interacts with them. Commenting with just the peach, squirt, and heart eyes emojis? Completely tasteless, I would never do that. When I am particularly aroused by a photo a pornstar posts to Instagram I show my appreciation by commenting something simple and elegant, like just the word “Divine” or “Breathtaking.” It’s called class Kevin, look it up!

It sickens me to think someone might assume I have anything in common with some sketchball like Kevin just because we happened to like the same photo of an Asian teenager dressed as Velma Dinkly looking for her glasses in a suggestive manner. Someone I know could stumble across that post, see that I liked it, and then see that Kevin also liked it, and get the idea that I’m some sort of weirdo like him.

I want to put this out there to any adult models who may be concerned—if this creep Kevin is bothering you in your DMs, you just let me know sweetheart, and I’ll straighten it out. Just reply to one of my DMs where I’m telling you how beautiful you are but it’s totally cool that you’re not replying to me. I send some version of that out about once a week so it should be easy to find. Or if you just need an empath to talk to, or whatever!

Wait, Kevin has “empath” in his bio too? Jesus, what a fucking predator!

Metalhead Wakes from Horrible Nightmare Where Vest Had Sleeves

Posted on July 29, 2024 by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown terrifying, constricting sleeves, nearby sources confirmed.

“I woke up sweatier than I’ve ever been before,” said Palmer. “Which is really saying something. I was at [local bar and venue] John Henry’s, except that it wasn’t really John Henry’s, you know? And I could feel something binding me, something dark and disturbing that was keeping me from raising my arms unnecessarily high near people and showing off my pit hair. Then I looked down, and these shit-hideous tubes of cloth had somehow grown all over my arms, like some kind of fucking David Cronenberg body horror. My beautiful vest. My vest!”

“Hesher” Fletcher Morton, Palmer’s close friend, roommate, and bandmate in three non-gigging groups, spoke as a representative for every inhabitant of the house, which totals seven.

“I’ve never seen Grouch so shaken up,” said Morton, bringing the teary Palmer a lukewarm PBR for his nerves. “Not even that time he had a bad dream in which he washed and conditioned his hair and said that it felt light and bouncy. But sleeves, man, that’s fucked up. The only thing worse would be, like, if all of my patches and clothespins came off and then crawled over my face and choked me and, just as I died, whispered ‘Taylor Swift rules.’”

Dream therapist Bryant Wallace offered to make an appointment with Palmer to discuss his terrifying vest dream, pending confirmation of his parents’ insurance.

“It is not unusual for the people and things one loves most to resurface in terrifying and, frankly, impossible combinations in a nightmare,” said Wallace. “Because a metalhead like Mr. Palmer would no more have sleeves on his totemic vest than a punk would have a career-track job or a Charli XCX fan would shut up on Twitter. It must inherently be a source of anxiety for him. In many ways, ‘dream sleeves’ are his mind’s way of processing his fears that someday he may lose the freedom to have his bare, unwashed arms stinking up a concert venue and be forced to be a contributing member of society.”

As of press time, Palmer was moaning in his sleep as he dreamed he was in a mosh pit where everyone was apologizing to each other.

Photo by Bone Jawnson.

10 Ways to Say No to Drugs Unless the Person You Have a Crush On is Also Doing Them

Posted on July 28, 2024 by Zac Lux

So you’re on a sobriety kick, I get it, we’ve all been there. Or, maybe you’re straight edge, haven’t even tasted the sweet release of an ibuprofen during the most manic of headaches. Here’s a few ways that have worked for us to say NO to drugs. At least until our crush showed up.

“No thanks, I’m good”

Can go a long way. Unless of course, the person holding a jazz-cigarette in your face is your crush, and you’re at a party with a ton of other super hot people that they may take a liking to if you don’t smoke this joint right FUCKING now. If that’s the case then, despite your history with weed and how it makes you insurmountably paranoid even with your closest friends, you can backpedal with something suave like, “Actually, you know what? Call me potty-mouth because I think I would like a drag of that sweet-leaf, daddio.” Then BOOM you’re in. Now just build up some saliva to fight the cotton-mouth so you can ask them out.

“Sorry, I’m stuffed”

This is a bonafide classic when you don’t want to consume any (or any more, looking at you, Andy) psilocybin mushrooms. However if your crush looks a little bummed out you won’t be taking a trip with them, tag on “…But I can always make room for dessert!” And toss a couple of those bad larries down your gullet. See you love-birds in a few hours!

“I don’t do well in the snow”

So your crush comes up to you again, this time asking to go to the bathroom with them to do lines of cocaine off the water tank of the only working toilet in the downstairs bathroom at the local Goth club. Of course they did, you stud! Give ‘em the ol’ “I don’t do well in the snow,” until they start eying the sound-guy person who’s wearing a sick vintage “Transformers” t-shirt. “But I love the Winter Olympics!” Go into that bathroom and luge those lines, big guy.

“For the last time, my name isn’t Molly.”

A steadfast approach to deter someone from offering you designer drugs. But let’s say you’re at a rave in the desert with a bunch of burners. And one of them is super cute and you have to look cool. Follow this up with “unless you were doing a ‘Call Me By Your Name’ thing, then do that, (Insert your name here).” and pop one of those pills, Molly, because you’re about to have a nice evening with your crush. You’ll hardly be sweating at all. You’re gonna smell great. Make sure you call them by your name the rest of the night to keep up with the bit they instilled.

“Fentanyl? More like Fenta-NO”

There isn’t a backpedal quip for this one. Don’t even do this if your crush is doing it, please.

“I can’t. I need to drive my kids to soccer practice later”

Is a good way to turn down a dozen beers. “But maybe it’ll actually make me less nervous while driving” So your crush knows that not only do you know how to party, but you’re also a considerate parent.

“Crack is wack”

This slogan was huge in the ‘80s. If someone offers you crack, you can squash the offer with this simple saying. But if it’s your crush, good freaking luck, buddy. Toss on a “But I’m wackier” there and freebase that shit if you really want to impress them. You will be trying to steal a cop’s gun in no time.

“Turn on? Tune in? OPT out.”

Throw a spin on this old Timothy Leary quote to shut down any hippie waving a sheet of LSD in your face. For your crush—just leave it at “Turn ON.” and slob that paper down. Your crush will think it’s so hot. Hang in there, it may be a bumpy ride, but think of your crush. You HAVE to do this.

“I’m no angel”

If anyone offers you PCP, or “angel dust” give them this. “But I’ll be your Devil” when your crush asks. That’ll sound VERY cool, and not lame, you sexy devil. Do your best to not get absurdly aggressive. That would be a major buzzkill.

“Don’t need any. I’m all natural, baby”

To make flaccid any offering of blue chew. But if your crush insists? “Maybe it’ll amplify how natural I am” Strap in. Do your best to not get stage fright. And remember to call the physician if you have been too “natural” for too long of time.

Rural Vegan’s Basement Fridge Stocked With 600 Pounds of Impossible Beef

Posted on July 28, 2024 by Zachary Wolf

BOSEMAN, Mont. — Local vegan and doomsday prepper Abe Friesen stocked his basement refrigerator with 600 pounds of Impossible beef, confirmed sources.

“I got a whole year’s supply of Impossible beef in one go by purchasing the entire slab. Not only did I save money, but you don’t know what the woke government puts in cow beef anyways,” said Friesen, who couldn’t list a single ingredient of the meat substitute product. “My underground bunker is fully loaded with Impossible beef tip, sirloin, and t-bone. Hell, I even have Impossible Kobe and Wagyu beef. All I know is that when the world ends, and it will, likely next month, I’ll be eating like a cruelty-free king every day, the simulated juices of my bounty dripping down my chin.”

Local butcher Will Delatraz says Friesen isn’t the only vegan buying Impossible Foods products in bulk.

“Montana’s long been a haven for introverted right-wing nut jobs,” reported Delatraz. “And the liberal media never reports that there are vegans on the right side of the aisle too. I’d say a good 40% of my business is Ted Kaczynski types that bring in slabs of Impossible beef as big as minivans for me to cut up. Sure, I don’t get the same satisfaction from cutting up soy protein as I do from slicing through the rotting flesh of a dead animal that probably just wanted to live peacefully in nature like a loser, but money’s money and I have bills to pay. So are you guys going to buy some meat or what?”

Impossible Foods CEO Peter McGuinness is already capitalizing on the economy’s next emerging market.

“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but we’re developing life-like animatronic wildlife made out of Impossible products to roam the wild after people are gone,” said McGuinnes while scarfing down a Triple Baconator from Wendy’s. “Even after society inevitably collapses due to the corporate greed of companies that aren’t us, Impossible Foods will still satisfy the needs of our customers and shareholders. Impossible-based wild cows, deer, turkeys, rabbits, bison, and other kinds of animals will all be on offer. That way, post-apocalyptic vegan hunters will be able to hunt, kill, and process animals to provide sustenance for their families; just like God intended.”

At press time, Friesen was seen picking Impossible gristle from between his teeth.

Shit! I Decided to Stop Checking the News for My Mental Health, but Now I’m Just the Dumbest Person at This Party

Posted on July 28, 2024 by Livy Berry

I recently decided I needed to prioritize my mental health. I took a look at my life and realized it’s not a good time for me to quit drinking and smoking, but I could cut out a lot of stress in my life if I stopped checking the news altogether. Every headline and John Oliver clip is like the modern-day equivalent of a caveman hearing a rustle in the bushes. With all the things there are to stress about these days, making this change felt like Patrick Swayze had entered my brain, removed all of its preconceived notions of society, and then taught it to dance.

Today I woke up and watched a five minute long video of golden retrievers trying to fetch a ball out of a pool. Amazing! I spent breakfast pondering how teacup pigs could get so tiny. I truly considered myself the smartest person in town, as I had clearly discovered the secret to eternal peace of mind. I even texted my family informing them of my plans to write a book (damn, that’s gonna be embarrassing to go back on). Life could not be going better.

This is where everything falls apart. I roll into my friend’s birthday party ready to spread my newfound knowledge, but once I get there, everyone is talking about who Harris might choose for VP and something called Project 2025. I figure this Project 2025 thing is some kind of resolution thing, so I chime in and say I’m going to start exercising more (nailed it), but everyone starts laughing at me. Are we not exercising anymore? Then they start going into Trump’s political agendas for some reason, and I have no idea what the hell anybody’s talking about. They’re using these huge words, and all I can think about is a Tik Tok I saw about freeze-dried Laffy Taffy.

I have to move to a new conversation to get a fresh start. I figure this one will go better for me, these guys usually just talk about baseball and who wants to go on the next beer run. What could go wrong?

Fuck! Cody used to be the dumb one in our friend group, but now he’s talking about the long term impact of a two-rate individual tax system. What the fuck does that even mean? How does HE even know what that means? The last time we got together he asked me if “Armageddon” was based on a true story! This has been a solid blow to my ego, and I know I have to get out.

Pretending to need another drink, I manage to duck out of the conversation, but now I’m just hiding in the kitchen and petting the dog. If you’re reading this, please send help (I worry the dog is about to ask me for my take on foreign policy and I do not have one).

Nice! Woman Who Called You Homophobic Slurs in High School So Excited to See Chappell Roan

Posted on July 28, 2024 by Sarah Cassell

BOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirmed sources who’d rather her not be there or anywhere in their general vicinity.

“I love Chappell Roan! I think we’d be such besties. We’d gossip about which guys we think are hot and we’d make fun of all the losers in the audience, and I’d like totally teach her how to find a makeup shade that matches her face better,” said Coughlin completely unaware of the drag origins in Chappell Roan’s different outfits. “I can’t wait to see her in concert and scream ‘Good Luck, Babe.’ It reminds me of my boyfriend, who I wish would say Chappell’s name corrrectly. It’s pronounced ‘Sha-pell,’ right?”

Others were not as thrilled about Coughlin’s attendance at the upcoming concert, such as Ash Robinson, who Coughlin bullied in high school.

“I can’t believe Veronica is going and I couldn’t even get tickets!” lamented Robinson after seeing “the bitches are seeing Chappell” on Coughlin’s Instagram story. “She used to call me a lesbo in high school, then she said she told me she could maybe kiss a girl, but definitely never date one – and now suddenly she’s Chappell’s biggest fan. Do you think she’s ever actually listened to any of the lyrics? Or has any queer friends? Or any friends for that matter?”

But it’s not just straight women who are newly excited to see Roan, such as Coughlin’s boyfriend Matt Roberts.

“Yeah, this will be a fun date night. I put on some special cologne for the occasion in case we hook up. Or if not her, some other hotties at the show. They all have dope carabiners,” explained Roberts. “Oh and before you go ‘don’t you have a girlfriend?’ it’s fine – Veronica and I are in an unethical non-monogamous relationship or whatever shit you call it. I’m gonna push to the front so Chappell sees me, but no, I definitely won’t do the ‘HOT TO GO’ dance. That’s gay.”

At press time, Coughlin was worried about girls potentially flirting with her at the concert despite none ever remotely doing so.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying To Avoid The News

Posted on July 28, 2024 by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week of historical and life-changing moments that you’d rather not have to deal with, but you’re here and you might as well make the most of it. For literal decades, people have used music as a means to escape the harsh and cruel reality of the world. Why not you? Here are six new punk, indie, and hardcore songs you can listen to while pretending our democracy is functional and nothing bad is happening anywhere.

Pixies ‘Chicken’

Indie rock legends Pixies have just announced their tenth studio album, ‘The Night the Zombies Came.’ It’s their first with the newly added bassist Emma Richardson. In true Pixies fashion, their latest single ‘Chicken’ is a waltzy dirge that sounds like it could soundtrack the weirdest B-Horror movie you’ve ever seen, though maybe not as weird as the one your college roommate made during their last semester.

Prim ‘Don’t Count On Me’

In 2020, famed hardcore veterans Kevin Flores and Mark Ramos decided to embrace the more melodic side of their signature heavy leanings in the form of a new band called Prim. Following a flurry of EPs and singles, the band is set to release their debut full-length ‘Move Too Slow.’ Their latest single, ‘Don’t Count On Me,’ is fuzzed out power-pop at it’s finest with a healthy dose of oomph that only those steeped in the hardcore scene can provide.

Mamaleek “Legion Of Bottom Deck Dealers’

San Francisco’s avant-garde rock outfit Mamaleek are back with a freshly terrifying – and ten-minute long – track entitled ‘Legion Of Bottom Deck Dealers.’ It’s a brooding, churning, gut-wrenching track that will have you looking around the corner in fear for the entire runtime. The single comes after announcing a run of dates supporting the equally disturbing Chat Pile, reflecting the horrors of modern society a little too effectively.

A Deer A Horse “Rearview”

Have you ever wanted to listen to System of A Down, Primus or Tool without looking like a total nerd? We’ve got the band for you. Brooklyn’s A Deer A Horse is making an unholy racket that harkens back to the golden era of ‘90s hard rock while simultaneously being impossible to define. Their latest single ‘Rearview’ from the forthcoming album ‘Texas Math’ is a sonic journey that, as its title suggests, will have you looking back wondering how the hell you got here.

Karate “Defendants”/“Silence and Sound”

Experimental and criminally underrated rock trio ‘Karate’ – whose influence on indie rock cannot be understated – announced a new album entitled ‘Make It Fit.’ It’s their first in two decades following a lengthy battle to regain the rights to their back catalog. Making up for lost time, they’ve dropped not one, but two excellent singles. ‘Defendants’ and ‘Silence and Sound’ play out as if the band never broke up at all. If you’re a fan of any indie-punk band from 2000-onward, this is your chance to pretend you were in on the ground floor all along.

We know six songs won’t cure your existential dread entirely, so we’ve added them to our ever-expanding playlist. It’s 10 hours long now so you can fill your entire day with it even if you pause for depression naps. You can click here to check it out unless you’d prefer to suffer in silence, which, no judgement.