It’s Time for the First Ever Pacifist Run of America

Posted on by Ace Watkins

America is the Dark Souls of countries. We live in a brutally challenging world that punishes people for the smallest mistakes — and sometimes without making any mistakes at all. It is a system built upon pain and suffering and, as long as players work within that system, it is impossible to not be a part of its violence. That is why I want to be the first ever president to attempt a Pacifist Run of leading the United States.

For starters, we need to end the endless Modern Warfare that plagues our country. We have expanded far beyond what we need and our nation has an easy lock on the Largest Army card of the world. As president, I will end the CIA’s hacking through the invisible walls of other nations and let them play their own games for once. But this goes far beyond just foreign policy.

The American dream is the idea that anyone in this country can Git Gud with enough hard work. But for many Americans, that simply isn’t true. We need to make sure that our country works for everyone. We need to make sure that poor people, BIPOC people, LGTBQ+ people, and other oppressed groups all have the same loadouts so that they have an equal chance at winning the brutal Battle Royale that is America. 

I am the only candidate for president who has vowed to change our country’s settings.

If you are truly committed to a Pacifist Run of America, you need to grapple with the oppressive systemic violence inherent in our society. That’s right — we live in a society. But it’s our job to make sure that it’s a good one. That’s why we need a Gamer in the White House.

Listen to my podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Written by Ace Watkins with contributions from Jeremy Kaplowitz.

So Called ‘Landlord’ Can’t Even Earth Bend

Posted on by Stephen Bell

ATHENS, Ohio — A group of local tenants are reportedly disappointed by their landlord’s inability to utilize even the most basic of earth bending techniques despite his title of landlord, sources have confirmed.

“When this guy introduced himself as our ‘landlord,’ I expected him to be a badass elemental master who could manipulate the earth beneath his feet,” said tenant Mario Sanders.  “Instead, he’s just some crotchety old Hungarian dude who can’t even turn sand into plate armor or hurl boulders at his enemies. The only thing he seems to be able to do is nag me about how the rent is due on the first of the month.”

Other renters expressed similar disappointments with the so-called landlord.

“When we moved into this rental, the backyard was an absolute mess, and I foolishly thought that someone called the ‘landlord’ could handle it,” said fellow roommate Bao Pham. “Instead of powerfully striking the ground and contorting the backyard’s soil at will, he just dragged a bag of Miracle-Gro he bought at Home Depot out of the garage and started scattering it everywhere. What a disappointment.”

It soon became apparent that, not only could the landlord not bend the earth, but he had made little effort to master the other elements, either.

“The roof leaks, the AC is on the fritz, and the furnace constantly fails to ignite during the winter,” complained renter Erin Rodgers. “I was hoping he’d at least be able to bend the water away from the house instead of into my room, but all he did was put in some new shingles that haven’t really helped. Maybe the greedy bastard should try doing some money bending to resolve these issues if he can’t master the elements.”

At press time, the tenants of the building were briefly under the impression that the landlord had learned how to fire bend before realizing that one of them had just left something in the oven for too long.

Man Who Misused Charitable Funds From Own Foundation for Political Gain, Defrauded Students Through Sham University, Openly Admitted to Sexually Assaulting Women, Accused of Raping Women, Committed Campaign Finance Violations, Tax Fraud, Bank Fraud, Instigated Members of Armed Forces to Attack Political Opponents, Tortured Immigrant Children, Attacked Freedom of Press, Colluded With Foreign Government, Obstructed Justice, Perjured Self, Committed Witness Intimidation, Bribery, and Most Recently Threatened to Murder American Citizens, Hailed as Law and Order President

Posted on by Cory Cousins

WASHINGTON — President Trump ironically announced earlier this week that he would be a “law and order” president, despite a lengthy history of criminality, sources within the White House confirm.

“I don’t know why I continue to be surprised when Trump routinely tops himself when it comes to making astoundingly idiotic comments on live television,” replied exasperated FBI agent, Steve Carlson. “His new nickname for himself is uh, to put it mildly, wildly off-base. I’ve been investigating Trump for the past two years, and it is literally impossible to keep up with all the laws he breaks on a daily basis. Even since we started talking, Trump embezzled funds from the V.A., created another Ponzi scheme, and committed a hate crime on the steps of the Washington Monument. The man is quite simply, a law-breaking machine.”

Others, however, hold a different opinion on the appropriateness of President Trump’s new self-imposed label.

“God bless America and God bless President Donald Trump!” exclaimed local MAGA troll, Tammy Dobbs. “Very great leader — Trump only does good for the country and then all the libs tell lies cause they’re jealous and want to just have communism happen. Not on my watch! Law and order President Trump will shoot all of those liberal snowflakes right in their dumb ass heads, and I know he will, ‘cause he said so!”

A low-level White House staffer was available for comment regarding the regularity of illegal actions committed by the Trump administration during the past three and a half years.

“I’m not even worried about being labeled a ‘leaker,’” confessed White House file clerk and coffee deliverer, Peter Lyman. “People leak stuff to the press every day around here. Nobody cares. I sort of feel like we’re expected to break the law while we work here. The lion’s share of my work involves shredding legal documents and deleting security tapes.”

At press time, President Trump continued to highlight the irony of his new nickname by committing insider trading, lying to Congress, kicking an old woman in the shins, and burning an effigy of Nancy Pelosi in the White House Rose Garden.

Opinion: Nazi Presidents Fuck Off

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the ’80s, American Neo-Nazis targetted the hardcore punk scene for recruitment. Why they thought they’d find success among a group of angry and disenfranchised white male youth is beyond us, but they tried anyway. All across the country, they attempted to infiltrate and appropriate punk and skinhead culture. Eventually, they got tired of getting their noses broken in mosh pits and mostly fucked off from punk.

Unfortunately, today white supremacists have focused on taking over something almost as important as the punk scene: The Presidency of the United States.

Since 2016, the highest office in the land has been overrun by Neo-Nazi presidents. Just like the Nazi’s attempting to co-op punk, these guys like to become the president and recruit mentally and emotionally vulnerable people to their cause. This needs to end. Now, we’re not saying that beating up Nazi recruiters on sight is going to solve this. But it did solve it for punk. Just saying.

It’s easy to laugh off any Nazi as the clown they are, but the sad truth is a Nazi President has a lot of power. They have the power to appeal to racist uncles, the power to spread misinformation, and they can even set international policies, block legislation, and appoint supreme court judges! The only power Nazi punks have is the ability to get beat up and have no one give a shit.

So if you see a Nazi president, get them to fuck off by any means. We don’t care if that’s the punk scene, the oval office, or your fucking country. They’ll have their little SS buddies with them of course so make sure the whole crew turns out.

Village People Kick Out Police Officer

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Popular disco group the Village People announced they had severed ties with Victor Willis, better known as the Cop from the Village People, in the aftermath of yet another extrajudicial killing by police of an unarmed black person.

“While it goes without saying the Village People support the Black Lives Matter movement, their appearance at last year’s Riot Fest should be a clear indicator on their views of the police state,” noted spokesperson Connie Hayes. “Accordingly, the group has informed Mister Willis that his services in the group were no longer needed. While he offered to take on a new persona, we felt his history as a cop disqualified from further participation with the group. ACAB.”

The statement was met with mostly positive reactions, but some decried the perceived political correctness of the situation.

“This is just another sad attempt by formerly relevant pop stars to pander to the PC police,” ranted right-wing blogger Matt Walsh. “As usual, the left has taken their assault on law enforcement and traditional ideals of manhood and masculinity to new levels. How sad that a group that promoted the traditional values of military service and the Young Men’s Christian Association has fallen prey to this new so-called ‘woke’ culture that we live in. Just shut up and let us enjoy your music during sporting events and wedding receptions.”

Long-time fans of the group mostly concurred with the decision to remove Willis from the group.

“Well, first of all, he was the only straight one in the group, so that was already a mark against him,” stated music journalist Jason Fitzpatrick. “I don’t know why any group affiliated with the LGBT movement would find police sexy anyway? Did people forget the constant raids on gay bars that led to Stonewall? Learn your history.”

At press time, Fitzpatrick suggested replacing the cop with a firefighter, noting that “you don’t see calendars of cops with kittens.”

Photo by Wikimedia.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Grand Theft Auto Online, Fruit Ninja, and Putt-Putt Saves The Zoo?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Despite the fact that we have extensive war rules like the Geneva Conventions, countries still boldly violate these standards when there’s no camera present. Take the 2005 killings in Haditha, Iraq, where US marines murdered 24 women and children as revenge for a soldier dying from a roadside bomb.

That may sound horrific, but are gamers any better? You’d be surprised at the kinds of human rights violations players are happy to partake in when they ARE the camera. So, let’s once again tackle some war crimes you may be casually committing from the comfort of your couch.

The Grand Theft Auto series features a bevy of weapons, many of which aren’t suitable for wartime. Take tear gas, for instance, which is explicitly prohibited as part of the Chemical Weapons Convention. If tear gas is too morally grey for war, then you should absolutely not use it in Grand Theft Auto Online against civilians. Only a monster would gas innocent bystanders.

Fruit Ninja is a fun mobile game where you slash any produce that comes across your path. Sounds innocuous, right? Wrong, as always. Destroying food is a major crime, as per article 54 of Additional Protocol 1: “It is prohibited to attack, destroy, remove or render useless objects indispensable to the survival of the civilian population, such as foodstuff.” Did you ever stop to ask yourself who’s food you’re destroying? Because there’s a good chance that multiple families have starved to death due to your actions. 

Don’t be fooled by the care-free attitude: Barbie is a colonizer. Don’t take our word for it; just look to 2001’s Barbie: Explorer. In this Tomb Raider knock-off, Barbie explores foreign cultures, leaving a path of inconceivable offenses. For instance, she regularly violates article 54 of the 4th Geneva Convention, which very plainly states “pillage is prohibited.” This is what white privilege looks like.

For decades, gamers have been mystified by the urban legend of Polybius. The story goes that, one day, mysterious cabinets briefly popped up in arcades across Portal, Oregon, which made players sick. Gamers reported seeing men in black suits monitoring the machines. CIA? FBI? Doesn’t matter: if the story is true, the US government is in huge trouble. Article 147 of the 4th Geneva Convention explicitly prohibits “biological experiments.” If you were ever a victim of these cabinets, we recommend you alert the International Criminal Court immediately. 

We are happy to report that Putt-Putt’s conscience is clear when it comes to war crimes. However, this does not give him a free pass for the amount of carbon this old jalopy puts into the atmosphere. Remember, just because you’re not a war criminal doesn’t mean you’re a good person.

Happy Mask Salesman Immediately Sells Out Entire Stock of N95 Deku Masks

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

CLOCK TOWN — Selling out his entire inventory after five minutes of announcing a restock, the Happy Mask Salesman announced to disappointed customers that his N95 respirator Deku Masks were completely sold out, frustrated sources confirmed.

“Thank you all so much for your keen interest in my N59 Deku Masks, but unfortunately my inventory has met with a terrible fate,” said the uncharacteristically unhappy salesman, with his usually smiling face scrunched into a frown while he waved his arms in the air and shook his head in anguish. “Some of you may know that I’ve dealt with thieves stealing masks from me in the past, but this time the blame lies solely with my supply chain, which is experiencing difficulties in these trying times. I will be accepting pre-orders for my next batch of magical masks on a first-come, first-serve basis and I thank you all for understanding!”

“If I could rewind time by three days and revise the order I had placed with my supplier to properly meet demand, I would,” the salesman continued. “Unfortunately, I don’t have that power, and I’ll have to ask for your patience while I work to fulfill as many new orders as I can.”

At press time, the Happy Mask Salesman emphasized an advertising disclaimer that, although the N95 Deku Mask was guaranteed to transform the wearer into a Deku, it was not guaranteed to protect from contracting the coronavirus.

Cop Nervous On First Day Simply Imagines Protestors Are His Wife

Posted on by Freelancer

NEW YORK — NYPD officer Joseph Calbroni resorted to imagining all of the protestors he is beating the shit out of are his wife in an attempt to quell his first day jitters, depressing sources report.

“I was really nervous,” blubbered Calbroni, while zip-tying a veteran. “First days are always hard. What if I didn’t instigate the crowd enough? What if I missed while trying to fire birdshot at a woman in a wheelchair? I thought, what would make me want to beat the ever-loving shit out of someone? Then I thought of Jessica. Nothing makes me go from zero to sixty like the old lady, am I right? Just the other day, I basically blacked out and when I came to there were nine holes in the wall. Geez, now I’m getting all choked up.”

Statistically, police officers are roughly four times more likely to abuse their spouses than any other demographic.

“It’s great for motivation,” explained Lieutenant Daniel Hartigay. “Listen, we barely test these guys coming in. Most of them have doghsit work ethic and principles and are fueled mostly by pre-workout and Subway, so anything we can use to add a little pepper to the porridge is valuable. I constantly tell these guys to think about how much their wives, girlfriends, exes, and moms piss them off. Hell, our shooting range might as well be a family photo album.”

Throughout the country, police have been violently confronting protestors amidst calls for widespread reform of law enforcement.

“We’re all going through pain right now,” bloviated New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. “For some, it’s the pain of losing a loved one. For others, it’s the pain of having a nightstick shatter our occipital bone. We may be all over the political spectrum, but one thing that unites us all is that our fine officers are upholding their duty to be a menace. That’s what they’re for. If they were supposed to be helpful, they’d be teachers or social workers or cashiers or something.”

At press time, officer Calbroni could be found planting a firearm on the mother of his child.

“Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo Cops Are All Bastards” Is a Grammatically Correct Sentence in American English

Posted on by John Merrifield

Breaking news in anarcho-grammar, specifically the all too common saying, “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo cops are all bastards.” Top Antifa grammarians recently determined that the phrase perfectly follows the rules of American English linguistics. We asked them to explain it to us like we were five, and quickly asked ourselves what five-year-old is this fucking smart and just nodded along like we understood. Here’s what we think it means:

“Buffalo (Adj.) buffalo (N)…

This is a noun phrase (NP) describing a type of bison that hails from Buffalo, New York.

…[that] Buffalo (Adj.) buffalo (N) buffalo (V)…

This is another noun phrase (NP) preceding a verb (V) describing a different set of bison hailing from Buffalo, New York, that “buffalo”, or bully, the aforementioned set of bison.

…buffalo (V) Buffalo (Adj.) cops (N)…

This is a verb preceding a noun phrase that basically tells us that the bison from Buffalo who bully other bison from Buffalo, also bully members of the Buffalo Police Department.

…are (V) all (Adv.) bastards (N).”

This is what is known as a factual statement (FS) based on the principle that an officer neglecting to speak out against corruption and/or police brutality in their ranks is just as complicit as an officer who is themselves guilty of corruption and/or police brutality, thus destroying the false narrative that some cops are “good.”

So let’s look at the sentence again.

“Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo cops are all bastards.”

Translation: Buffalo bison, that other Buffalo bison bully, also bully Buffalo cops, who are all bastards. Or, “BbBbbbBCAAB,” for short.

Conservative Food Blogger Gives Police Boots Five Stars

Posted on by Ella Gale

LOS ANGELES — Wutherton Tall, the creator of conservative food blog The Thin Blue Lime, scribbled a five-star review into his drool-covered Moleskine after licking each and every on-duty officer’s boots during a visit to a Hollywood police station yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“Flavor doesn’t get more American than this — yum, yum yum. I’m getting notes of power, leather, and just a hint of noncompliance, which could be from cross-contamination due to stomping a protester. I guess this is what blue tastes like,” said Tall, mistaking the flavor of urine for a color while running his tongue back and forth across the leather uppers of a side-zip duty boot made in China. “Plus, they’re keto! And it’s easy to lick these boots from home, too — just go on the internet and talk about how protesters are ruining the country. It’s obviously not as good as licking boots in person, but it will still satisfy you.”

Blog fan Chod Blank III, who spent last week protesting the government’s refusal to reopen his favorite golf course, is excited to get out and taste some police boots himself the moment the curfew is lifted.

“Wuthie really brought the mouthfeel of the oppression-to-table of cops to life. I, for one, can’t wait to get out there and lick some fresh law and order off the feet of our boys in blue,” said Blank while hanging an American flag next to his “Punisher” skull poster. “There’s something about that slip-proof rubber that makes my tiny mouth water and beg for more boot. Just like Oma used to make! She passed down the recipe after learning it in a German factory in the late 1930s.”

Activist Lamar Burroughs, who spent the week protesting the murder of unarmed black people in the face of deadly police officers, wasn’t surprised by the review.

“I would expect nothing less from conservatives at this point. They talk about freedom of speech and wanting less government intervention when it applies to them, but as soon as it applies to people of color fighting for their lives, they start begging the cops to step in,” said Burroughs. “It’s all fine in the end — those cops step in a lot of piss puddles, so let those dudes keep licking.”

For his next blog entry, Tall said he hopes to lick the boots of some active-duty military troops. “I thought I would have to go overseas, but I’m pretty sure I saw some in front of the La Brea Starbucks,” said Tall.

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