The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Red Letter Media Accidentally Posts Four-Hour Video Lambasting ‘Black Widow’ Six Months Prior to Film’s Release

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — In what is being seen as a huge gaffe, popular YouTube channel Red Letter Media accidentally uploaded its harsh critique of the new Marvel film Black Widow half a year before the film arrives in theaters.

“Well, clearly we are going to hate it. I haven’t enjoyed a movie since 1999 and it takes a lot to put these together, so we have to start early,” said RLM personality Mike Stoklasa. “We have to do our normal three-hour review of how much we hated it, and then our Mr. Plinkett review, which is another two hours of repeating the same critiques from our other review but… you know, funny.”

Fans of the channel didn’t seem to care or even notice that something was amiss.

“I hated the movie too. It was all Mary Sue fanservice,” Seth Coleman, who could have not seen the movie, said. “There were these parts in the review where the screen just said ‘Insert footage here’ that were so funny. They also just reused footage from their Picard review, which didn’t make a lot of sense but it was like subversive humor you probably wouldn’t understand.”

Another RLM personality, Jay Bauman, didn’t seem phased by the mistake either.

“Yeah, I don’t fucking care. I’ve been dead inside for years,” Bauman said. “If the movie is good or bad is arbitrary, our fans don’t watch us to hear about things we like. Our reviews all kind of plug-and-play at this point. Harp on a single detail over and over again, zoom in on one scene that isn’t so great and blow it way out of proportion.”

Red Letter Media decided to roll with this trend and upload a video declaring Denis Villeneuve’s Dune remake ‘Film of the Year’ before a trailer is even released.

Trump Keeping Jobs in America by Ordering Military to Kill People Here Instead of Overseas

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Caroline Smith

WASHINGTON — In an effort to bring jobs back home to the U.S., President Trump ordered soldiers enlisted in the military to kill American citizens last week rather than using their killing power overseas.

“America is going back to work, and nobody puts Americans back to work better than me, “ said Trump from his golf cart while sipping a Diet Coke. “I knew the jobs would come back — I’m naturally gifted at economics, even the experts are impressed. When economists asked me personally how we could save our jobs, the idea just came to me: there are going to be so many military jobs it will make your head spin. We’ll be stacking bodies hundreds of feet high, mark my words. I will be the greatest ‘jobs’ president God ever created.”

Clement Bel, a senior economist at a conservative think tank, backed Trump’s assertions.

“Sanctioned homicide might be up 100 percent, but this is 900,000 jobs that are back in the United States,” said Bel. “This move not only boosted job prospects, but also eliminated a lot of people who were filing for unemployment. The president is killing two birds with one stone. Well, maybe it should be more like, ‘kill two citizens with one heavily armed military officer.’”

Some of the long-term unemployed were surprised but delighted.

“I thought Trump’s mantra to ‘Make America Great Again’ was just going to be another empty promise — like the return to family values, or the south rising again,” beamed Abner Finley, a former auto plant worker. “Trump is a man of his word, and he promised to keep our jobs from leaving the country. I personally can’t join our troops — I lost my fingers in the plant fire of ’95 — but my heart is there in every unwarranted use of military force.”

At press time, the soldiers who returned home for work were flashing peace signs over the bodies of conquered American citizens, and were reminding the American public to follow #workingfromhome2020 on social media to see their tax dollars in action.

I Wouldn’t Care That My House Is Haunted, Except That All These Ghosts Are Really Racist

Posted on June 9, 2020 by James Knapp

I’m not afraid of ghosts. They actually fascinate me quite a bit. So I’m not at all concerned that my new house seems to be haunted by several spectral presences; that is, I wouldn’t be, except that every one of them is inexcusably racist.

Look, I get it, they’re from a different time. When they died, probably from ceaseless, choleric diarrhea, people weren’t as socially conscious as they are now. But that doesn’t make for much consolation when I step out of the shower and see that some apparition has written the word ‘Jews’ in fog on the bathroom mirror.

This house was built more than a century ago, so there are a few different ghosts floating around the place. One seems to be an old woman dressed in a 1950s era housecoat. The only times I’ve ever seen her have been standing directly in front of the fine china hutch whenever a black friend comes to visit.

In the basement, I often see the specter of a young man, dressed in a 1920s business suit. I haven’t quite figured out his backstory, but whenever I do laundry down there I hear him whisper “that’s how the chinaman used to wash my linens.”

Then there’s this old, old ghost that I think may have been a Civil War general… on the slavery side. I’m not gonna repeat what I’ve seen him scrawl in blood on my walls; I will say that I’m not a religious man, but I’ve already started calling up exorcists because that motherfucker has fucked up a lot of my interpersonal relationships. There’s only so many times you can use “the ghost did it” as an excuse before you seem like you’re being condescending.

So, what have I learned from all this. First, don’t get your real estate agent off 4chan. Second, progress is constant, and inconsistent at best; and the prejudices of those who came before us should not define us but serve as a reminder that we must always work to better ourselves and our communities.

Third, actually, fuck that last thing I said. I want these goddamn racist poltergeists gone. I don’t care if they’re from another time; if I find my furniture arranged into a swastika one more time I’m calling Ghost Hunters.

Pepper Spray Only Seasoning White Cop Knows How To Use

Posted on June 9, 2020 by Salim Alam

MINNEAPOLIS — Local cop and bland-tasted white guy Cody Anderson admitted earlier today that, despite his general aversion to any seasoning heavier than salt, he routinely uses pepper spray, both on and off the job.

“As a 52-year-old white man from the midwest, I just didn’t grow up with the most adventurous palate, so you can’t really blame me for that. Fortunately, the four months I spent training to become a law enforcement officer of the state helped me become pretty familiar with spices that definitely make a statement, without all the flashiness of paprika,” Anderson stated. “Look, at the end of the day, I’m just doing my job. Sometimes it’s hard to know how much is too much, but it’s just easier to apply in large quantities and figure out later if that was a good idea. It’s way less confusing than potato salad.”

Local citizens familiar with Officer Anderson’s liberal, unprovoked, use of pepper spray goes above and beyond what is needed.

“My friends and I were just walking out here, just peacefully protesting when we saw this random cop rush at us out of nowhere, pulls a canister of pepper spray out of a Ziploc baggy, and sprays me and my friend and everyone else in sight,” local protester Mariko Abe, who later realized that the spray “still lacked a little something.” “People backed away at first, but then we realized this shit is weak. It kind of felt like water; it was actually more refreshing than painful. Honestly, not sure if he was incompetent or just trying to help.”

Despite Anderson’s rampant use of pepper spray, sources reported witnessing his otherwise lack of seasoning ability, which included making hummus without tahini, bringing mayonnaise-glazed chicken to the department picnic, and putting ketchup on hotdogs.

“Oh, there were definitely red flags. He would often use little squirts of the pepper spray on a bowl of Mac and Cheese, and then talk about how immigrants ruined the American diet,” Anderson’s former partner Karim Davis. “It was very uncomfortable, especially when he started adding bacon bits and celery into the bowl. I had to leave the room entirely.”

At press time, protestors had invited Anderson to put the pepper spray down and join them in exploring other flavors, but he was frantically going person-to-person asking where the nearest bathroom was.

Local Gamer’s Closest Black Friend Still Kareem Campbell

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

PORTLAND, Maine — Local gamer Seth Barker’s only black friend is reportedly the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 avatar of professional skateboarder Kareem Campbell, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Kareem and I go way back. We’ve known each other since 2000,” Barker told friends. “With all these protests going on, I can’t even imagine what he’s going through right now. Can a white person ever really know what it’s like to be a black person in America? I mean obviously I know what it’s like to skate as him. He’s really good at spins.”

Barker’s other friends insist that he does not really know Campbell, but Barker disagrees.

“Of course I know Kareem!” Barker said. “Born in New York and raised in L.A., Kareem’s smooth metropolitan style is recognized on both coasts. Maybe I don’t know him as well as Rodney Mullen or Spider-Man, but that’s only because I really like hitting manuals.”

Blair Morton, Barker’s girlfriend, is reportedly working to change Barker’s opinion and introduce him to more black people in their community.

“It’s just totally ridiculous to claim that your closest black friend is a video game character,” said Morton. “He needs to go out and expand his worldview. For example, he has not spent the time to get to know any of my close black friends, such as Garnet from Steven’s Universe, Hermione from just Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, or the poster of Michelle Obama I hang in my bedroom.”

When asked to comment, Campbell said that he did know Barker. “Anyone who has skated as me knows me,” Campbell said. “They know the low hang time life.”

AOC Grafts Gun Onto Arm, Demands You Hear the Planet’s Cries of Pain

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Jay Miller

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Gesturing wildly with the large machine gun that had been recently surgically grafted onto her right arm, U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez urged her colleagues and constituents to hear the planet’s cries of pain in a prepared statement last week, sources say.

“Companies like Murray Coal and Chevron are bleeding the Earth dry,” said Cortez while addressing other members of Congress moments after shooting hundreds of bullet holes in the wall behind her to get their attention. “The Green New Deal is the first step to protecting the planet’s dwindling lifeblood. That lifeblood is in your veins, too! Can you feel it? The planet feeds off of all of our energy, and these companies need to pay for what they’ve done!”

Sources say that Cortez’s speech went uninterrupted even as she went over the balance of time granted to her by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, partly due to the intimidating appearance of the enormous gatling gun arm.

“What were we supposed to do, interrupt her?” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy during a midday recess. “She’s got a gun for an arm, are you insane? I spoke up once and she blew a hole in the ceiling. No thank you.”

While her sudden change in appearance and attitude shocked many of her constituents and political rivals, the effectiveness of Cortez’s new strategy cannot be understated.

“The planet bleeds green like you and I bleed red,” shouted Cortez at her fellow members of Congress regarding the planet’s deteriorating natural resources. “The hell you think is gonna happen when it’s all gone, huh? Answer me! You gonna stand there and pretend you can’t hear the planet crying out in pain? I know you can!”

At press time, Representatives Ilhan Omar, Ayana Pressley and Rashida Tlaib had donned metallic armor and red bandanas, declaring themselves members of Cortez’s recently established Avalanche Party.

Casual References to “My Screenplay” During First Dates Projected to Skyrocket by 2021

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Anya Volz

LOS ANGELES — Startling new models released today predict a massive spike in potential lovers subjecting their first dates to unsolicited details of their screenplays by 2021, with experts claiming it could be the worst numbers since the release of “The War of Art” in 2002.

“I thought I had to sit through a lot of incoherent descriptions of heist screenplays before this, but we don’t even know the magnitude of what we’re about to face. I worry that screenplays about viral outbreaks could outnumber registered nurses if we aren’t careful,” said single woman Rachel Cavacas. “With all the free time people have in quarantine, there’s a solid chance I won’t actually be asked a single question about myself on dates for the next four to five years. The world is going to be a much worse place when this is all over.”

Despite the challenges of quarantine, many “writers” maintain this has been an incredibly productive time for them.

“I’m really excited about the work I’ve been doing. Before all of this, I always thought my improv team was the most important thing in the world, but the pandemic gave me some much-needed perspective,” said self-proclaimed screenwriter with no known IMDB credits Jordan Brown. “Ask anyone in my life: my new script is all I can talk about. It’s about a guy who just moved to LA and is forced to work from home, and in the process, he learns a lot about love… but the most important part is, he learns about himself.”

Screenplay reference data analyst Dr. Katharyn Adams warned we won’t see the true peak of these first-date offenses until mid to late 2021.

“What you have to understand is, these men aren’t writing these screenplays either way,” Adams explained. “With everything in our lives being on pause, they have more time than ever to ruminate on a script idea, regardless of intention to execute. But now they know it’s actually conceivable they had the time to write it, and we’ve only seen the first wave of that theoretical writing time. The impact of this might be felt for several years — it might even be decades before we return to pre-covid numbers.”

In response to the alarming report, the U.S. government is already preparing an emergency helpline for women to call to help them bail as soon as their dates mention they are “heavily inspired by Quentin Tarantino.”

Newly-Radicalized John Krasinski Shares Video of Cop Being Hit by SUV on “Some Good News”

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Krissy Howard

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Actor, director and newly radicalized “Some Good News” creator John Krasinski revisited his YouTube feel-good series yesterday to share a video of a police officer being rammed into by an SUV, concerned sources report.

“Well, it’s been another long week here in a country that rests on stolen land built by slavery, and I, along with countless others, am seeing with my own eyes the need to defund our nation’s police force, abolish the prison system, and reinvest in community organizing, like, yesterday,” Krasinski stated before airing a clip of a 75-year-old man being assaulted by a police officer. “What the fuck more do you need to see? 12 doesn’t give a fuck about you, and they never did!”

“I realize this clip doesn’t reflect the real change we’ve witnessed taking place around the country, but good news is subjective,” he added, “and goddamn if it isn’t a little bit satisfying to see this pig’s legs get crushed.”

Some long-time SGN viewers were confused and shocked by the subject matter, along with the host’s emphatic delivery while celebrating the occurrence.

“I was psyched to hear he was coming back for another episode… but I guess I sort of thought it was gonna be like, TikToks of essential workers doing the Macarena or something. But this week was pretty… intense,” said Des Moines resident and devout watcher Denise Frantz. “I guess I thought maybe it was a blooper or something, but the way he kept telling ‘all the blue lives matter bootlicking fuck heads’ to ‘get fucked’ made it feel not so playful. Plus, there were no slide whistle sound effects or anything — it was just people screaming.”

Indeed, in addition to “Some Good News,” other programs have witnessed a shift in content.

“For years, ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ has shared clips of local dads being hit in the nuts with wiffle ball bats, giant dogs shaking mud all over the house, and numerous antics involving trampolines large and small,” said AFHV executive producer Michele Nasraway. “But with more and more viewers aware of the rampant abuse of power exercised by our police force — some for the first time ever — we aim to delight with more videos of cops accidentally spraying themselves with pepper spray, or having tear gas canisters thrown back at them. AFHV says ACAB.”

At press time, Krasinski was seen spinning a globe with “AmeriKKKa” written over the United States.

Landscaping Hack! I Scheduled a Protest at My Address and the Cops Left This Pallet of Bricks

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Mark Maira

I’m a complete newbie when it comes to home improvement so when I decided to re-brick my garden, I took to the interwebs to find some landscaping hacks! I found some solid advice, but it turns out bricks are more expensive than you think. Fortunately, I have common sense so when I saw that the police were obviously placing bricks at protest locations, my first thought was, “The country I know and love is dead.” My second thought had more to do with how heavy and expensive bricks are and how far away Lowes is, so I knew exactly what to do.

I filed the paperwork to hold a protest and listed my address as the location. Sure enough, within hours of receiving my email confirmation, a plain-clothes policeman dropped off about a pallet-worth of bricks all around my neighborhood.

I tell ya, if the police get defunded they definitely have a future in delivery services.

This worked so well I signed up again for the next day and multiple officers showed up in uniform! This time I put ‘em to work. Pepper spray is a great weed killer so I told the cops the dandelions were working with Antifa and they were taken care of immediately.

Next, I had some loose soil around my recently planted Perennials so I told the cops that they donated to my local Black Lives Matter chapter. Naturally, they used their batons to really pack in that soil. I don’t think they even heard me clearly due to how loudly they were telling my flowers to “stop resisting.” They probably just heard “black lives matter” and instinctually began suppressing.

The police may be an out of control, murderous, insecure, petty, and scared gang who failed out of community college ROTC, but they sure come in handy when working on your home! All you have to do it trick them into using their tools in a way that helps people. I saw one of them spinning a baton kinda cool so I’ll offer him a sign spinning job when my car lot opens back up. It’ll feel good for him to have work he can feel pride in.

Cops Loot Over 50% of City Budget

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Aviva Siegel

LOS ANGELES — Police officers continued to wreak havoc on the city of Los Angeles this week, looting over 50% of the city budget, and stealing billions of dollars from innocent taxpayers, multiple sources confirmed.

“How is this sort of looting going to solve anything? I’m up for having a civil debate about how much funding should go to law enforcement, but destroying entire neighborhoods by not giving them the resources they need and instead allowing cops to get even more militarized is just wrong,” said watchdog activist Shirley Patterson right before tripping over an unfilled pothole. “We need to take a stand to defend our local infrastructure from these thugs! ‘When the looting starts, the shooting starts.’ And by that I mean, police will spend the money on needless amounts of firearms and equipment that they will unjustly use on the people of this country.”

Locals report seeing the violent radical extremists wearing dark blue clothing, armed with unnecessary military-grade weapons, excessive amounts of tear gas, self-satisfied smirks, and Oakley sunglasses.

“A lot of people are speculating that they might be part of a pro-fascist terrorist group called Profa, the local chapter seems to use the letters LAPD on all their gear to make themselves more identifiable. They also allegedly work with several co-conspirators including the DA, city council, the city attorney, the chair of the budget and finance committee, and the mayor. This was happening right under our noses and we had no idea,” said local taxpayer Andrea Walz, who works a full-time waitressing job during weekday city council meetings. “I mean I literally had no idea because I could not physically attend these meetings before they were available on Zoom.”

A senior member of the domestic terrorists commented on the supposed crimes.

“What are they gonna do, call the cops? Ha!” snorted Police Chief Michael Moore. “If you don’t like it then too bad, we are already more powerful than any politician. So fuck off and don’t look any of us in the eye or so help me God we will beat the ever-living dog shit out of you.”

National watchdog groups note that this is not an isolated incident and is happening in cities and towns across the country with no lawmakers trying to take a stand.

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