Local Man Recounting Harrowing Stories from Protest He Watched Online

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local concerned citizen Rob Cinyek is providing a detailed play-by-play account of last night’s protests against racial injustice, as witnessed in real time from the comfort of his couch.

“Shit got pretty hairy for a minute there. The cops started shooting tear gas and everyone took cover behind a parked car,” Cinyek told others viewing the same live video on Facebook. “That’s when things got hazy because I had to go do the dishes, but when I came back, shit was still going wild… and the mainstream media won’t show you what is actually happening on the streets. I spent a half hour arguing with someone who claimed the protesters were inciting violence, but eventually we figured out that we’d been watching two completely different live streams. Kind of inspiring that we could overcome our differences like that.”

Those close to Cinyek tried telling him that his brand of activism may be counterproductive.

“It’s bad enough that cops are tear-gassing people and shooting rubber bullets for no reason at protesters without these skewed accounts of what went down from people who weren’t even there,” said friend Imiri Kramer. “I tried to tell Rob that he can Venmo me money for supplies or donate to a bail fund if he wants to get involved from home, but he just said that he was ‘gearing up for round two’ by making sure he has enough snacks within arm’s reach to avoid any extra trips to the kitchen.”

Local TV news producer Christine Brennamen noted more viewers are getting their news from social media live feeds.

“It’s not a good thing for people to be taking in so much raw, unfiltered footage — a trusted, reliable news source knows when to cut away just after police take a knee and before they return to spraying rubber bullets,” said Brennamen. “And what about production value? For our last story, we spliced in a few clips from the end of the first ‘Avengers’ movie. How many streamers can clear those kinds of rights?”

“We as journalists have a responsibility to keep our cameras trained on only the most hard-hitting truths,” Brennamen added. “That’s why we’re camped outside of this Lululemon waiting for someone to start looting.”

Shit: Now My Parents Know What My ACAB Tattoo Stands For

Everyone knows I’m rebellious. I wear it on my sleeve. More specifically, on my knuckles. When my buddies and I got drunk at Steve’s and started doing stick-n-poke tats, I knew I needed ACAB emblazoned on my skin. For the uninitiated, ACAB stands for “All Cops Are Bastards” and now it’s there to let the whole world know what I think about the boys in blue, especially now since ACAB has entered the American vernacular.

Shit. Wait. You don’t think everybody knows what it means, right? Do moms not know? The last thing I want is to upset my mom and this would definitely do it. I’d never dream of disappointing her. She’s an angel. I don’t give a fuck what my dad thinks though. Like I said, I’m a rebel.

That’s why I was so careful to make sure she never knew what it meant. Sure, I didn’t think they’d believe it meant “Albino Cats Are Beautiful” forever, but it’s been working so far. One time my little brother said he knew what it meant. I got scared and asked what. He said it had something to do with Fortnight so I figured if I learned a dance to go along with it, I could audible if needed.

But it all went to hell when the mainstream media put ACAB on blast. Punks used to be the only ones who understood my tattoo until I would yell what it meant across the room. Now I see people on CNN marching around with ACAB signs and I can guarantee you they’ve never been to a Dead Kennedys show. I mean, neither have I. But I would have if I had been born earlier, lived in the Bay Area, and punk was more mainstream at the time.

Oh shit. Just now my mom turned off the news and said we need to talk about my “life choices.” I guess the writing’s on the wall, which is kind of ironic because I’ve written ACAB on the wall of every bathroom I’ve ever been in.

Wish me luck! Hopefully, she still thinks my sXe tattoo just means “sexy.”

12-Year-Old Added To Terrorist Watchlist After Drawing Anarchy Symbol On Chemistry Notebook

COLUMBUS — Local 7th grader Theo Hansen was shocked to learn that he had been added to the national terrorist watchlist for scribbling a poorly-drawn anarchy symbol onto a school notebook, according to his equally shocked parents.

“The cops kicked in the front door of my house saying they had seen security footage of me at some gas station and that a bunch FBI dudes needed to see my notebook,” said Hansen. “I was just kinda zoning out and doodling like normal. I took a break from trying to get that DK just right and I wasn’t really thinking anything when I drew it. Is this legal?”

Hansen was reportedly referred to the FBI by the chemistry teacher at a local middle school after noticing that Hansen, who cannot even go on field trips without his parent’s permission, had scribbled an anarchy symbol on his spiral ring notebook.

“These are strange and scary times,” said Mrs. Carpenter, Hansen’s chemistry teacher. “I thought he was always such a quiet kid, but I guess I was wrong. I once saw him try to toss an empty water bottle into the trash can from a few feet away, which I now recognize as him trying to incite a riot. When I saw what he had doodled, I had to turn him in. I mean, drawing that symbol on his chemistry notebook? He could have been developing some kind of anarchist cookbook, and God help us if that ever sees the light of day.”

Despite the fact that Hansen is a model student who has never even served detention, the FBI expressed gratitude to Mrs. Carpenter for exercising her civic duty by reporting a minor to the federal government.

“We take these kinds of reports very seriously,” said someone identifying themselves only as Agent Krist. “The journey of the radical left starts when they’re young. One day they’re drawing an anarchy symbol on their notebook, the next they’re demanding systemic reform that could change the world, and the shareholders make it very clear that we can’t let that happen. Thank God President Trump is threatening to take action against these Antifa terrorists. They are a direct threat to the American way of life, which as we all know, is perfect.”

Hansen seemed unconcerned about the plainclothes officers that have been following him over the last several days, stating that “criminalizing a leaderless ideology is a blank check to round up whoever they want. I’m 12, and even I know that.”

Opinion: Gaming Is Labor, and It Is Being Exploited

Leftist ideas are becoming mainstream in America, but many workers are still forgotten. I am here to advocate for perhaps the most forgotten of all. I don’t care if I end up in chains for speaking the truth: Gaming is labor, and it is being exploited.

You probably haven’t read Das Kapital, a very large and important book that I finished really fast and wasn’t even confused or anything. In this book, which I read, Karl Marx explains the nature of labor and value under capitalism. It’s way too complicated for you to understand on your own. That’s not your fault — much like a serf, the average Gamer is simply too ignorant and malnourished to read an entire instructional booklet.

But you can’t play a new Game if you don’t know the controls, and make no mistake: Revolution is a Game. So I’ll try to explain the basics in terms you can understand.

Let’s say you are a factory worker in China. The factory makes computers. Every day, you and your coworkers show up at the factory, where there is everything you need to create as many computers as you can. That includes tools and raw materials, components, lots of stuff — we’ll just lump these things together and call them “inputs,” because complicated lore sucks and I hate it. So, every day at work, you consume the inputs with your labor, and in the process, you transform them into products. The products (computers) are worth more than the inputs (metal, glass, silicon, factory tools, etc.), because they have absorbed the value of your labor. Again: your labor is what makes the product more valuable than the sum of its parts.

But as a factory worker, you don’t own the computers you make. In a capitalist system, the owner of the product is the person who owned the inputs. That owner, the capitalist, is free to sell the computers for market value. But the wages that the owner pays you, the factory worker, are not based on that market value. Wages are based on how little the owner can get away with paying you. In an economy where the owners have all the power, that can be very little indeed. 

If you take the value of the computer, and you subtract the value of the inputs, you have the value of the labor. Wages are, by definition, lower than that value. If the owner paid the worker the full value of their labor, there would be no profit. Profit is a measure of how underpaid the worker is.

Did you get all that? Probably not. If you want me to repeat it, press the “up” arrow and read the last three paragraphs again. Press the “down” arrow to continue.

Now, let’s say you are a coder in Seattle. You get hired by a video game developer. The developer has purchased an office full of those computers from China. Every day, you and your coworkers show up at your desks, where you are given all the inputs you need to code a Battle Royale video game. The computers from China are now inputs. Other inputs include server space, electricity, and I don’t know, whatever stuff you use to make a video game. The game developer owns all of these things. And using all their inputs, you and your coworkers create the product: a video game. Just like the factory owner, the game developer can now sell the product (the video game) for its market value. It doesn’t matter if they do it with a subscription, or a one-time payment of $60, or maybe it’s free to the user and they make money off marketing partnerships. Whatever. That’s still market value. And just like in the factory, the wages are not set by this market value at all. The wages are set as low as coders in Seattle will accept. So, the profit cycle continues: the developer’s profit comes from the gap between those wages and the value of the labor itself. The gap for a coder in Seattle might be slightly less than the gap for the Chinese factory worker, but it’s there. If it wasn’t, the game developer would not be profitable.

Okay, now stop for a second. Breathe. Make sure you have all your potions and weapons, because you are about to meet the Boss. Quicksave. Ready?

Imagine a completely empty Battle Royale game. This video game has been developed, but nobody has played it yet. The beta hasn’t been opened. Servers are completely dead — no squads, no streamers, no griefers. Nothing. In that state, is it really a Battle Royale game at all? No, it’s not. That’s because when an online game reaches the hands of the Gamer, the game ceases to be a product anymore. It’s an input. Just like the computers from China, it goes from a product to an item used to make a product. And what’s missing is our labor.

The game software, the console, the internet connection, the screen — these are all inputs. Your labor, your gaming, is what transforms these things into a product like Fortnite, which gains its value from how many Gamers are playing it. And while you might think you own all the inputs just because they’re in your house, that can’t possibly be true. If it were, you would own the product.

Let’s say you’re a Gamer anywhere in the world. You install a new Battle Royale game developed in Seattle. You and your co-Gamers are presented with a virtual world, physics engine, cosmetic items, weapons, and everything else you need to create a thriving online game. You take in these inputs, and with your gaming, you transform them into an extremely valuable product. Fortnite is worth billions of dollars. Do you get your share of that value for your labor? No. In fact, you don’t even get wages — you pay for a season pass. They sell you a product that exists on the back of your own unpaid labor, and worst of all, they expect you to like it.

One more time, with feeling: Gaming is labor, and it is being exploited.

If We Defund the Police, Whose Goddamn Helicopters Am I Going to Steal?

Hey you ugly motherfuckers! I’ve been watching your pissy little protests and I have just one little bitty question for you. WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET MILITARY GRADE WEAPONRY BEING OPERATED AND SUPERVISED BY UNEDUCATED LUNKHEADS IF WE DEFUND THE FUCKING POLICE, YOU STUPID BASTARDS?!

You motherfuckers are going to ruin everything! The one thing you can count on in this asshole of a city is that the pigs are going to have the best and most expensive equipment at all times, no matter how underfunded the local schools and hospitals are. So while our communities crumble, the ones who enforce the rules drive tanks and helicopters. This puts a greater social emphasis on conformity than harmony and growth, and it PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!

The one goddamned silver lining to this bullshit police state we live in is that at least if I need to secure a helicopter or armored car on short notice to make my day go a little easier, I know where to find one. If we start funding everything proportionately, how am I going to run meth in and out of Los Santos? With an improved public transit system?! Use your fucking heads, people!

And before one of you judgemental ball lickers goes telling me I don’t understand what these protests are all about, just back the fuck off! I may look like your average Fox-News-watching, boot-fucking middle American, but I’m more like you weird ass kids than you realize. Hell, I was throwing molotov cocktails at cops while your dad was pounding you into your mother. All I’m saying is, think of the long con on this one. Without proper funding, the criminals of Liberty City won’t be equipped to do their jobs. 

Oh, and as a guy that doesn’t know what exactly I’ll feel like stickin’ my dick into from one particular day to the next, let me wish you all a HAPPY FUCKING PRIDE MONTH!

— Trevor Phillips, Entrepreneur

Last Remaining Unfucked Household Objects Band Together in Final Escape Attempt

CHICAGO — A small group of household objects joined together last night to escape an impending and prolonged fucking by the “insatiable lady of the house” Sara Richardson, sources previously thought to be inanimate confirmed.

“I understand being stir crazy from sheltering in place, but this is a different level,” explained a clearly shaken remote control. “Some of the shit I’ve seen and heard, I won’t ever recover from. We’ve already failed to escape a few times already, so we’re making our last break for it. If we don’t make it this time, we’re going with the lava lamp’s plan: suicide pact.”

Dani Barahas, Richardson’s roommate who knew of previous escape attempts, confirmed the conspirators included common and uncommon objects such as a banana, a desk fan, and “either a statuette of an otter holding a flower, or some kind of prairie dog paperweight, maybe?”

“I left the windows open and the door unlocked. I just wanted to give these little guys a fighting chance,” Barahas said. “Everyone’s coping differently, so I try not to judge Sara, but it’s getting out of control. I’m eating ramen every day because I only trust plastic-sealed food to be safe, but pretty much everything else around here has been in or around Sara’s pussy, asshole, and mouth at some point.”

For her part, Richardson insisted she’s doing the best she can to responsibly follow safety and social distancing guidelines, but she hasn’t “gotten laid in seven months, or whenever quarantine began.”

“I got laid off immediately when this shit started, and since the government won’t extend relief payments, that one-time $1200 went straight to a kick-ass vibrator so I’d have no problem staying home. But that got old after a week,” said Richardson. “It shouldn’t matter how I’m getting off or what I’m getting off with, because it’s to everyone’s benefit. Honestly, now that the cities are starting to open up, I’m going to miss how relaxed I was during the quarantine period.”

At press time, Richardson was heard asking Barajas if she’d seen their lava lamp recently.

Blink-182 Write Protest Anthem About Crazy Antifa Girl, Farting on Cops

LOS ANGELES — Legendary pop-punk trio Blink-182 surprised fans by dropping a new, politically-charged single about meeting the girl of your dreams at a protest, and passing gas, numerous sources confirmed.

“We couldn’t let this important time in history pass us by. As a band, we’ve never been very political, but this song changes all that,” said bassist and only remaining original member, Mark Hoppus. “The song’s protagonist has a crush on a girl dressed in all black throwing rocks at cops, but eventually, her views about defunding the police are a bit much for him and their love story falls apart. There’s an entire subplot that runs through the chorus about how my farts are worse than tear gas and how I should be banned from eating at Taco Bell, it’s powerful. Suck off a horse, fuck face.”

Longtime fans of the group admit that the song seems pretty tone deaf given the current state of unrest.

“Don’t get me wrong, the song is super catchy and I’ve been humming it all day, but it just shows how out of touch these guys are at this point. The lyric ‘She wants to smash the state, I just want to take her on a date. She screams ‘Black Lives Matter,’ and I can’t stop looking at her,’ and then after that the lyrics posit that the Antifa girl’s mom is probably hot as hell,” said Omar Martinez. “It’s all very disappointing. I never thought that Tom DeLonge would actually turn out to be the most respectable guy in the group.”

Activists immediately panned the song for its message and the group’s fundraising efforts attached to the single.

“When they start singing ‘she’s gotta gotta gotta gotta be crazy for speaking her mind’ I shut it off and threw out my copy of ‘Enema of the State’ because I can’t believe I ever supported those guys,” said local protest organizer Aidie Lewis. “Not to mention the fact that their website claims that all the money they raise from the song will be donated to the ‘Hermosa Beach Boner Society.’ Not funny guys, people are dying in the streets.”

Similarly, the All-American Rejects released a new single titled “One Dead Cop is Just the Beginning” in a departure from their normal themes, instead choosing to focus on “hunting down police and murdering them in their homes in front of their family.”

Not All Cops: This One’s Dead

In the wake of George Floyd’s murder at the hands of police officers, anti-cop sentiment has exploded across the cultural landscape. Protests calling for police reform and demilitarization are being held all over the country and social media sites are ablaze with people sounding off with their outrage at law enforcement. While the outrage is understandable, it’s not entirely fair. Not all cops are corrupt and abusive. We at The Hard Times managed to find one apple whose guaranteed never to spoil.

Officer Paul Nolan of the NYPD was found dead in his apartment this morning, ensuring that he will never again harm another human being while enforcing the law.

Now, it’s true Nolan doesn’t have the cleanest past in law enforcement. He’s been sued seven times for racial discrimination, five of which incidents included the use of excessive force. He was suspected of taking bribes, drank on duty, and used police department equipment and manpower to spy on his ex-wife, but his future is clean as a whistle!

How did a once problematic police officer transform himself into America’s favorite kind of cop? According to the coroner Nolan overdosed on Oxycotton, an opioid he was secretly addicted to for several years. In other words, Nolan pulled a 1-8-7 on his motherfuckin’ self.

Yes, he may have a checkered past, but officer Nolan now exemplifies everything we would like to see from police officers going forward.

Protesters everywhere are demanding a ban on chokeholds during an arrest. By depriving himself of life, Nolan has committed himself to never choking a suspect again. #notallcops.

Officer Nolan truly does not see color, age, or gender. He is not cognizant of a person’s religion, sexual orientation, or political views. He is incorruptible, unbiased, and he doesn’t cost the taxpayers anything. He’s basically RoboCop if they never turned that dead guy into RoboCop.

Dead or alive, this guy can’t hurt you. Because he’s dead. DeadCop.

So the next time you want to write ACAB on a protest sign, try to remember not all cops are bastards. Some of them were bastards.

Cop Filming Birth of Child Can’t Seem to Keep Camera On

NEW YORK — NYPD officer Carson Boucher could not record his wife giving birth to their first son last night due to his habit of always turning his camera off at the most important times, a department whistleblower requesting anonymity confirmed.

“There’s a good deal of footage both before and after. As soon as I got the malfunctioning camera back on, you can clearly see there is a young woman — my wife — in a lot of pain on the bed with a slimy newborn on her chest,” said Boucher from the hospital waiting room. “That said, I was unable to ascertain a rendered image of the actual event in question. Rest assured, we’re looking into what sort of technical glitch could cause such a thing to happen, and hoping there’s a way to recover the footage so we can have a way to remember today’s events.”

Boucher’s wife Mary Boucher-Hartley was disappointed, but not surprised.

“The pattern is consistent throughout our marriage — whether blowing out birthday candles, or when I definitely landed a kickflip on a skateboard, he never seems to record it. I have gone too long without holding him accountable. That ends today,” she said. “I’m calling on him to either produce the video of our child’s birth, or to resign as my husband to allow for someone more fit to assume the position.”

However, OB/GYN Dr. Julia Martin believes there may be more to the situation.

“When he entered the room with the camera, he kept saying, ‘I’m live’ and ‘I’ve gone Hollywood!’ — almost like he was trying to let us know he was recording. But when I told my patient to push for the last time, he said, ‘Dark sky,’” said Dr. Martin. “I’m not sure why he wouldn’t want to record his child being born — it must be reflexive for him to stop recording any time he sees something resembling trauma.”

Ms. Boucher-Hartley’s mother, sister, and father, also all police officers, were also present and unable to produce any video of the birth. None have responded to a request for comment.

343 Releases Video of Halo Players Calling People Gay on Voice Chat in Honor of Pride Month

REDMOND, Wash. — 343 has released a heartwarming video to social media in honor of LGBTQ+ pride showcasing thousands audio clips from Halo fans calling their opponents gay.

“You’re such a fucking homo, you can’t aim for shit, fucking get at me 1v1 customs, bitch,” begins one audio clip, superimposed over an image of a rainbow Master Chief, before transitioning into another. “You are a fucking gay hacker.”

Microsoft executives were quick to praise the video for furthering the LGBTQ+ movement and making substantive change.

“We’re really proud of what the 343 team has put out in honor of Pride Month,” said Phil Spencer. “But we’re not just all talk here. We also made sure to make a hefty donation to the executive who came up with the idea and told subordinates to put together the video.”

“I think that it just goes to show how positive a force our fans are,” Spencer added. “They even included some words and phrases that I hadn’t even heard of before! It’s really incredible. I’m no expert in these things, but I think the LGBTQ+ community could perhaps add a letter for people who have sex with other people’s mothers.”

Despite positive intentions, many fans were upset about the video.

“This is such bullshit!!!!! I can no longer support Halo now that they have become political!!!” said xXsnIp3rboI03Xx in a comment on Instagram. “I cannot believe that 343 would TWIST my WORDS like this!!!!!!!

At press time, 343 released a statement to clear up confusion that, despite the image of a rainbow Master Chief, John 117 is still canonically heterosexual and in love with his AI Cortana. “Anything you see online with the Chief and Arbiter is strictly fan art,” the statement said.

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