The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Doug Bowser Brings His Eight Horrible Children to Work With Him

Posted on June 12, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — A miscommunication involving daycare arrangements has forced Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser to bring his astonishingly misbehaved children to work with him, exhausted sources have confirmed.

“I understand that these things happen and that we’re all doing our best to deal with things right now,” said Matthew Morgan, a security officer at Nintendo of America. “But these kids are terrible! They all split up and just held court over different parts of the building and terrorized anyone that came their way. They’re barely up to my knee but somehow by the end of the day we were all doing anything they said. It’s been a nightmare!”

The eight children, a mixture of boys and girls and all of them between the ages of 8-13, reportedly aren’t actually biological offspring of Bowser’s, but rather a series of foster children he’s been mentoring in hopes of turning them around.

“I don’t care if they’re not actually his kids or not,” said Angie King, another employee of Nintendo. “What I do care about is that a radical child named Roy with sunglasses and spiked bracelets microwaved a bunch of nickels and threw them at me while I was trying to work. I have permanent nickel burn and these children must be stopped.”

Bowser reportedly felt some reports of his children’s misbehavior were being over exaggerated.

“They can get a little wild, sure, but that’s kids for you,” he said after hearing reports of Ludwig von Bowser using his magic wand to turn the patrons of the cafeteria into piranha plants. “A lot of these kids have had tough backgrounds, so I tend to not rein them in and just let them be kids, gosh darn it.”

As of press time, the Nintendo headquarters was engulfed in flames and rumors continued to circulate that Wendy O. Koopa was going to soon be named to a prominent executive position within the company.

Sony Clarifies That ‘Spider-Man: Miles Morales’ Is a Separate, But Equal Game

Posted on June 12, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Following fan confusion over whether or not Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a standalone game, Sony executives scrambled to explain that the new PS5 title would be a separate, but equal experience.

“Look, we’re not saying that Spider-Man: Miles Morales is less important than the first game, not at all!” PlayStation Worldwide Studios head Herman Hulst nervously explained. “It’s totally it’s own game, but not necessarily a full game. It’s just different, you know what I mean? It gets its own little spot on the PlayStation menu.”

In an attempt to do damage control, Sony released a ‘Parker v. Morales’ doctrine outlining the differences between the original Spider-Man game and Miles Morales. Unfortunately, the studio had to walk back the document’s claim that the spin-off would not integrate with the original game.

“Maybe we’re not explaining this clearly enough,” a visibly exhausted Jim Ryan, CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment clarified. “We’re treating Spider-Man: Miles Morales the same way we’d treat our other releases. We just think that ALL our games matter. Fuck, wait, let me try that again.”

While Sony promises a game that is completely comparable to its predecessor in quality, reports suggest otherwise. One rumor speculated that the game would be locked at 20 FPS and would not support 4K. Another report claimed that Sony wouldn’t be releasing the game physically, as not to potentially harm the Playstation 5’s disc drive.

“I don’t want this debacle to distract from what’s important here,” vented Insomniac Games CEO Ted Price. “We’re proud to represent marginalized communities with this game. I think it’s incredible that our team is brave enough to show fans what it’s like to play as a cop.”

At press time, Sony assured fans that despite any differences between the two Spider-Man games, they were sure fans would find exactly the same amount of issues with the graphical quality of the puddles.

Pussy-Ass Doctor Wears Mask During Surgery

Posted on June 12, 2020 by Cory Cousins

DALLAS — Patients at Dallas General Hospital learned yesterday that Dr. Graham Alder, one of the facility’s most trusted surgeons, is actually a “total pussy” and wore a mask during routine surgeries he led all last week.

“All sorts of people are giving me a hard time because of the mask. I’ve been a doctor for 17 years — I’ve always worn a mask when I do surgeries,” said the local surgeon and unpatriotic wimp. “I wear a mask to maintain a sterile field on the operating table and ensure the patient remains free from infection. I’m not trying to make a statement here. Jesus. Why is everyone so goddamn stupid? Fuck me.”

One patient, about to undergo a lengthy spinal fusion operation, was particularly unimpressed.

“You place so much trust in your doctor, and right before you go under the knife, you discover that your life is in the hands of some mask-wearing Democrat sissy?” lamented the injured and self-described “conservative lib-slayer patriot” Trent Freeman. “I’m outta here. Had I known Dr. Alder was part of the brainwashed lamestream media sheeple herd, I never would’ve stepped into his office — he hates freedom, and therefore America. I don’t need this surgery anyway. I was doing just fine on disability, taking Percocet and drinking Wild Turkey.”

Local scientist and mask enthusiast Hans von Helmholtz noted that, while facial coverings work and data proves it, there is still resistance to wearing them thanks to America’s “macho” attitude.

“Our most recent samples show a lot of people think they are immune to contracting deadly diseases if they constantly say they aren’t afraid of it,” lamented von Helmholtz. “Masks had a very good reputation until now, ranging in use from underwater snorkeling excursions to invitation-only sex soirees. But when it comes to public health and sanitation, masks only further the stereotype that we in the scientific community are a bunch of yellow-bellied, limpdick cream puffs. I don’t know about you, but my ego can’t take that sort of sophomoric slander.”

Dr. Alder was last seen in his car, predictably clicking his seatbelt in place like some panicky chicken-shit loser.

Opinion: I Still Like Killswitch Engage?!

Posted on June 12, 2020 by Zach Russell

As I finally finish putting my one-year-old son to bed, I retire to the porch to smoke tobacco from a long pipe. I ponder war, the economy, and other age-appropriate issues. I unlock my phone and shuffle the library I’ve been curating since the day I discovered the FLAC format.

Let’s see here. “Sunbather” by Deafheaven. Not in the mood. Skip.

“Ex’s and Oh’s” by Atreyu. This makes me shudder. What did I ever like about this stuff? Next.

“My Curse” – Killswitch Engage. Oh God. Haven’t heard this in years but I bet I can skip it. Whatever. Maybe I’ll skim this article about oil futures as this song plays in the background. “Crude futures rallied Monday to post their highest settlement in more than two months…” Interesting.

Fuck, is my head nodding to the beat? No, it must be the wind.

“Pent-up demand and a historic production cutback is unleashing economic optimism (We’re longing!)”

Woah, decent riff alert. Well played, KsE.

“CLN20 climbed 7.2% to finish the session (We’re yearning!)”

Wait, what the fuck? Do I STILL like Killswitch Engage? I’m an oilman and a father, for Christ’s sake.

“WTI has seen a rally as shorts in the market (We’re waiting!)”

Howard Jones, you angel of a man. Croon-screaming your way into my heart. Some say your singing sounds strained but I know it’s just how you show your passion. And that guitar tone! Crunchy like a fried pretzel covered in glass.

Fuck it, I fucking love this band! But why? WHY!? They’re commercial 00’s metalcore. Their most-played song is a Dio cover! Do I still like Lunchables? My mother’s breast milk? Shadows Fall? Have I just been pretending Misery Signals is better than The Switch even though Adam Dutkiewicz is to metalcore what Johannes Gutenberg was to the Protestant Reformation: EVERYTHING.

Oh, next song’s starting. “The End of Heartache.” This is my SHIT right here. “SEEEEK MAYYYY. CALLLL MAYYY. I’LL BE WAAAA-IIITTING.” Fuck, my kid’s up and crying. It’s okay, buddy! Daddy’s just working through some stuff!

Just because I discovered them through Guitar Hero 3 doesn’t mean they’re not quality musicians. That’s what I’ll say if anyone asks. People get nostalgia, right? I mean, it’s not like I stand behind any of their new shit off Atonement.

At least not the singles. Those deep cuts slap though.

Pop Punk Frontman Tired of Having to Homeschool Girlfriend

Posted on June 12, 2020 by Cory Cousins

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — 26-year-old pop-punk frontman Derrick Ford hit his breaking point last week while tutoring his 17-year-old girlfriend Madison Parker during online summer school classes, sources close to the couple confirm.

“I had no idea teaching her would be this hard and frustrating,” Ford admitted. “Madison is pretty mature and smart for her age, but no matter how hard I try to explain the underlying themes in ‘Lolita,’ her teenage brain just can’t identify the middle-aged protagonist’s conflict of conscience between morality and innocence, coupled with his inability to acknowledge his victimization of an underage girl. It’s not exactly a brainbuster. I just want to go back to when we only saw each other during my shows, and she would sneak me into her hotel after her Model UN tournaments.”

Parker revealed she is also struggling with studying alongside her adult boyfriend.

“Derrick used to be so romantic,” Parker lamented. “Now he raises his voice at me whenever I look at my cell phone during virtual class time. He’s just like my chemistry teacher, Mr. Collins, except not very smart — he legit told me that if I eat carrots every night at dinner, I’ll develop night vision. I feel like I’ve become less intelligent since being quarantined with him… and I’m starting to think he might be a bit of a creep.”

Trigonometry teacher Rebecca Katz conducts a weekly check-in with Parker and seemed concerned.

“Madison struggled with her work before being quarantined, so I wanted to make sure she was on track and to answer any questions she might have,” noted Katz. “However, when I got on Zoom with her this week, she introduced me to her ‘mentor and boyfriend,’ who turned out to be my scumbag ex, Derrick — I of course had a private conversation with her, and then called social services on his ass. What a piece of shit.”

Following an intervention by social services, Ford allegedly ate a pint of Chunky Monkey in one sitting and ugly-cried to “Harold and Maude.”

Everything We Know About Elder Scrolls 6

Posted on June 11, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Nothing.

Gamer Furious to Discover Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality Includes 1,637 Games He Just Bought Last Week

Posted on June 11, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

ST. LOUIS — Gamer Kyle Brown was upset to discover that the 1,637 titles he had recently bought from the itch.io storefront were the exact same set being featured in the website’s massively popular Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality.

“This is un-fucking-believable,” said Brown, after learning of the five dollar requested donation the hugely successful bundle is asking. “I was up the other looking at games. I’d been meaning to finally check out Celeste. Then I grabbed Nuclear Throne and Minit and a couple of others, and then before I knew it I’d spent over nine thousand dollars on various independent games, tabletop RPGs, and these asset pack things I don’t fully understand. I probably overdid it a little bit. And now this bullshit.”

Several days later, itch.io debuted a collection of games whose proceeds would be split evenly between the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund and the Community Bail Fund, which after a few waves of additions following its initial debut, coincidentally mirrored the recent purchases of Brown’s identically.

“This always happens,” he said. “If it isn’t the free PS Plus games being something I just bought, it’s the sixteen hundred indie games I just got on a whim. God fucking damn it.”

As of press time, Brown was playing A Short Hike to try to chill out a little bit.

Report: Yeah, I Dunno, There’s a Bunch of New Video Games Coming Out

Posted on June 11, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Those who have watched Sony’s PS5 – The Future of Gaming Show are reporting that, I don’t know, there’s like a bunch of new games coming out or whatever.

The reveal featured numerous trailers and clips from games such as Ratchet & Clank, Spider-Man, and Horizon: Zero Dawn, I think, but I went to the bathroom for a little bit. Excitement for these upcoming titles is high despite that,it’s just like a bunch more games. Kinda the same shit as always, I guess.

“The reveal showcased a lot of new games. Or at least I think they were games, they could very well have been trailers for animated short films. Like that one about the robot who sees a cat and then goes to the moon. Not sure that’s a game,” said Jeremy Kaplowitz, the person writing this report. “I wasn’t really paying attention the entire time because I was trying to think of snarky tweets, but I’m pretty sure there were at least two trailers that prominently featured robots or aliens as a metaphor for systemic oppression. Hopefully they pull that off well.”

“Maybe I secretly hate video games,” he added, speaking to no one in particular. “There was a time in my life when I was excited to live in a virtual world, controlling any character that isn’t myself. Now I get irrationally upset watching a guy eat a sentient strawberry and having his hand turn into two strawberries. They showed us that like we were supposed to understand what we were looking at. I fully get that the level of upset I am is unhealthy and strange, but like, I don’t know, I gotta write about this?”

The livestream further shocked viewers with a reveal of the design of the PlayStation 5, which, to be honest, looks how you would expect a PlayStation 5 to look.

Exhausted Characters in Game Demo Can’t Keep Up With Quick PS5 Loading Times

Posted on June 11, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Due to the impressive power of the forthcoming console’s custom SSD and 10-teraflop GPU, beloved game characters Ratchet and Clank reportedly became exhausted while trying to keep up with the extremely quick loading times of the demo for Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart, multiple sources confirmed.

“There was a lot of exciting new information about the PS5’s launch titles during today’s event, but the thing that grabbed the most attention was how noticeably out of breath Ratchet was by the end of that Rift Apart demo,” said games journalist Rachel Billings in a post-show analysis. “Previous AAA games on past PlayStation consoles have always included a series of long hallways, rock wall crevasses to sidle up against, or at the very least, some high ledges requiring one character to boost another one up to reach a ladder or something.”

These have always been clever ways to hide loading times, but they’ve also allowed in-game characters to catch their breath and get a second wind during their adventures,” Billings added. “The PS5’s new architecture seems to have done away with these loading spots almost completely, which means these characters are forced to just haul ass as hard as they can from start to finish.”

In addition to Ratchet’s heavy, ragged breathing, which could be heard crystal clear through the PS5’s new Tempest Engine audio system, Billings noted that she could also observe a heavy coating of glistening sweat on the lombax’s forehead thanks to the console’s ray tracing support.

“In traditional action-adventure games, exhaustion is usually communicated to the player through very hamfisted, predetermined walk cycles to show that the character is tired or injured,” Billings explained. “What Sony seems to have accomplished here is a way to dynamically wear out the player character in real time by removing any opportunity for them to rest. I’m sure this will lead to some incredibly immersive game experiences. Plus, it will probably add a lot of gameplay time once your character doesn’t have any more gas in the tank. Really impressed by what the PlayStation team has delivered!”

At press time, Sony had announced that this impressive new feature would be applied retroactively to backwards-compatible games to make classic PS4 characters look as fatigued as gamers have always imagined them.

Local Man Recounting Harrowing Stories from Protest He Watched Online

Posted on June 11, 2020 by Tom Peters

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local concerned citizen Rob Cinyek is providing a detailed play-by-play account of last night’s protests against racial injustice, as witnessed in real time from the comfort of his couch.

“Shit got pretty hairy for a minute there. The cops started shooting tear gas and everyone took cover behind a parked car,” Cinyek told others viewing the same live video on Facebook. “That’s when things got hazy because I had to go do the dishes, but when I came back, shit was still going wild… and the mainstream media won’t show you what is actually happening on the streets. I spent a half hour arguing with someone who claimed the protesters were inciting violence, but eventually we figured out that we’d been watching two completely different live streams. Kind of inspiring that we could overcome our differences like that.”

Those close to Cinyek tried telling him that his brand of activism may be counterproductive.

“It’s bad enough that cops are tear-gassing people and shooting rubber bullets for no reason at protesters without these skewed accounts of what went down from people who weren’t even there,” said friend Imiri Kramer. “I tried to tell Rob that he can Venmo me money for supplies or donate to a bail fund if he wants to get involved from home, but he just said that he was ‘gearing up for round two’ by making sure he has enough snacks within arm’s reach to avoid any extra trips to the kitchen.”

Local TV news producer Christine Brennamen noted more viewers are getting their news from social media live feeds.

“It’s not a good thing for people to be taking in so much raw, unfiltered footage — a trusted, reliable news source knows when to cut away just after police take a knee and before they return to spraying rubber bullets,” said Brennamen. “And what about production value? For our last story, we spliced in a few clips from the end of the first ‘Avengers’ movie. How many streamers can clear those kinds of rights?”

“We as journalists have a responsibility to keep our cameras trained on only the most hard-hitting truths,” Brennamen added. “That’s why we’re camped outside of this Lululemon waiting for someone to start looting.”

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