Millennial Excited to Return to Pokémon Snap With Photography Degree Under His Belt

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A millennial gamer who grew up with Pokémon Snap is excited to play the new Nintendo Switch version now that he has a photography degree under his belt.

“I played Pokémon Snap so much as a kid,” reminisced unemployed photographer Steve Weston. “But I always held a grudge against Professor Oak, because he’d constantly criticize my technique. Well, four years at Ithaca College and $42,000 later, I’m excited to show that old hack that he doesn’t know the first thing about capturing the essence of a Diglett.”

Following the announcement, Weston dug up his old portfolio, which was full of Pokémon Snap photos he printed at his local Blockbuster growing up. While he stood by his early works, he conceded that some of the framing could have benefited by following the rule of thirds.

“Steve was always an interesting student,” explained his old professor Patricia Levy. “He had a curious eye, but I never understood why he took all of his photos from the front seat of his car. I begged him to just stay stationary when shooting and use a tripod, but he insisted that a real photographer never stopped moving.”

To prepare for New Pokémon Snap’s release, Weston began brushing up on his nature photography skills. Neighbors complained that he wouldn’t stop sneaking into their backyards and throwing apples at squirrels. 

“I love the arts and I respect Steve’s profession,” vented Weston’s next door neighbor Martha Lange. “I just don’t really get what he’s doing. Why is he harassing wild animals and taking random pictures of them? Is that art? What do they even teach you in photography class?”

While Weston said that his current budget is a little tight thanks to student debt, he’s hoping to pick up enough freelance work before the game’s launch to pay for a copy of it with exposure.

How Rapid Cycling Helped Me Lose All That Pesky Emotional Weight

Between the emotional eating and the prolonged periods of immobility, a lengthy depressive episode is a fast track to weight gain. Fortunately, I discovered an emotional weight-loss method sure to tone your core down so slim, the world will see your barely-beating heart. It’s called “rapid cycling” and I’ve learned how to use this crippling psychological phenomenon to your weight-loss advantage!

Have you ever thought to yourself “I’m bored and I’m sad and my housemates are asleep so now seems like a good time to start a fire in the front yard?” If so, you might be experiencing what my shrink and crying ex-girlfriends call rapid cycling. Rapid cycling means quickly flipping between manic and depressive states. For most people, this isn’t the fun kind of flipping, like candy-flipping, but once you get in touch with your inner Mad Victorian Beggar Woman, the possibilities for losing loved ones and those last few pesky pounds before swimsuit season!

As I write this, I’m fresh out of ten days of basket-weaving and navel-gazing at the psych ward and ready to rejoin the world sleeker and toned. Sure, maybe my housemates moved all my stuff out when I was gone, but look at these emotionally-sculpted abs. This emotional weight and friend-loss regimen will make you the envy of all your ward mates, past and future.

Like any part of mental health, this may sound big and scary at first. But with a little practice, and maybe even a little lighter fluid, you too can burn your life (and your fat!) to the ground in a single weekend.

Woman Prefers to Have Zoom Sex with Video Off

FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. — Quarantined woman Andrea Wolfe admitted today that she prefers Zoom sex sans video with her new boyfriend Brad Mikulski, who is social distancing at his parents’ house in New Orleans.

“I just feel more comfortable keeping my tits off screen,” Wolfe confided over an audio-only Zoom interview. “I don’t want the government spying on me through my camera while I have sex. And it’s only a matter of time before Brad and I are Zoom-bombed during our recurring scheduled meetings. I feel like maybe we should set a password or enable the waiting room thing or something, but that just seems so unspontaneous.”

While Wolfe’s reluctance to strip down on screen is more due to anxiety about virtual peeping toms, Mikulski is upset by his girlfriend’s preference.

“It makes me feel like she’s not interested in me. I’m always requesting that she turn her video on during calls, but she never accepts,” said a frustrated and dejected Mikulski. “She’s freaking out way too much about people possibly hacking our online hookups. I actually think it’d be hot if someone was watching… I mean, look, it’s her choice to do what she wants with her body, but I’m pretty sure it’s my right to look at it.”

An online creep who regularly hacks into the couple’s meetings confirmed that the pair’s sex life doesn’t seem to be doing so great auditorily, either.

“If I’m being honest, the audio on their calls is so bad that I’ve stopped eavesdropping on them recently. Her connection’s always going out, and the dude’s microphone has way too much static to hear anything good. Someone needs to tell him about the mute button,” the creep said, who asked to remain anonymous. “Plus, a lot of times the girl sounds like she’s just watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ instead of really participating. My guess is they’ll break up soon, but for now they’re trying to salvage their relationship by relying on the chat feature on Zoom… and based on some of these weak messages I’m reading, it’s looking pretty grim.”

Data analysts for Zoom reported 100% of work meetings conducted on the platform would be much more productive with the video feature disabled.

Hey, Hometown Crush Who Peaked in High School Here, Just Sliding Into Your DMs to Say “Not All Cops”

Yesterday, 1:26pm
Hey, remember me lol it’s been a while!

Yesterday, 1:29pm
Thought about you the other day when I ran a stop sign on your old street and clipped a dude on a bike. Wanted to see what you’ve been up to and, gotta say, you have a lot of crazy anti-cop posts lately

Yesterday, 1:31pm
I know you’re smart because without your homework I wouldn’t have passed 10th grade English, so I feel like you of all people should know that not all cops are bad!!

Yesterday, 1:32pm
Think about it. Of course some cops suck, because most people suck!! Like remember that emo dork Isaac you used to date? He wore eyeliner, and he sucked, so it makes sense that some cops suck, too. Maybe he became a cop! Have you checked?

Yesterday, 1:33pm
Also, just to be straight with you (unlike Isaac LOL), it’s scarier to be a police officer than it is to be black. Like I’m shocked you don’t know this. I know it, and I’m not even black or a cop! I feel like you would understand if we could talk in person. Let’s meet up haha

Yesterday, 10:46pm
Hellooo, you there? I’m serious! Let’s get together and talk about it. I can show you this video I watched that explains the science behind why cops aren’t racist (won’t go into it but basically, some of them are black). Also I found some really insane pre-workout supplements from a bunch of ads on the site, so you know it’s good. They keep making me have to piss lol

Today, 12:32am
Yo am I bothering you? Haha sorry, the pre-workout made me WIRED!!! I thought you should know most of those “videos” of “protesters” being “attacked by police” are staged. I mean you saw Trump’s tweet, right?

Today, 12:59am
When are you coming over haha jk

Today, 1:12am
But seriously

Facebook Bans Skinheads, Chemo Patients, Buddhist Monks

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook purged thousands of user accounts belonging to members of right-wing hate groups last week, but also inadvertently scrubbed user information of anti-racist skinheads, chemotherapy patients, Buddhist monks, and even the owners of hairless cats, irate sources confirmed.

“Facebook blocked me because they said I fit the description of known racist agitators,” said Shoshana Agwuegbo, a 13-year-old Stage 4 cancer patient, from her hospital bed. “I’ve been using Facebook to update my family about my condition… and when I finally had some good news to share, I was locked out of my account. They said I could access my account again in 90 days, but the way this cancer has been ravaging my body, I’m not sure I will make it that long.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has faced growing calls to address racism in the wake of controversial statements shared by President Trump on the social media platform.

“Facebook has never been about politics, but we understand some action has to be taken. We thought it would be best to delete the accounts of anyone with a shaved head because they are typically bad guys — our algorithm says if you have a shaved head, you’re a racist, regardless of your ethnicity, religion, or actual beliefs,” said Zuckerberg from his San Francisco compound. “Even if we did make a few mistakes, there is no proving that a 65-year-old gardener with male pattern baldness isn’t a devout white supremacist.”

Facebook’s move to clean up its platform has been met with strong criticism from across the globe. Ven Jalbunmori, a Buddhist monk caught in the ban, has been channeling his frustration by meditating and listening to his NSBM collection.

“This is just as shortsighted as Facebook’s real name rule, which banned Native Americans for having ‘fake-sounding’ names, got a lot of snitches in witness protection killed, and made everyone learn the real names of their favorite punk musicians,” Jalbunmori said from his mountain hermitage. “I would be perfectly happy if we could all just go back to the glory days of Myspace, when we were all so naive as to what social media could actually be. I’m actually happier not having Facebook in my life.”

As of press time, many posers throughout the scene were left wondering why they weren’t purged as well.

Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence

KYOTO, Japan — After suffering a string of damaging data breaches and leaked trade secrets such as hardware specs and console operating system code, Nintendo announced today that hackers have gained access to famed game designer Shigeru Miyamoto’s entire DNA sequence.

“We’ve become aware that some individuals online have gained access to Mr. Miyamoto’s genetic code,” began the statement, denouncing the people responsible for exposing the unique DNA barcoding of the beloved Mario and Zelda creator. “Today we can regretfully confirm the validity of various photos posted online revealing exclusive, unannounced strings of nucleotides within Miyamoto’s double helix structure. We’ve already identified the people responsible for these leaks and have taken immediate legal action against them to remove any links on websites where the full sequence was previously available for download.”

The statement went on to explain that the extent of the leaks were particularly damaging because they would allow anyone with access to a genetic laboratory to make their own copies of Mr. Miyamoto without his permission.

“Nintendo will always protect its intellectual property, and that includes the genetic fingerprints of its employees,” the statement went on to say. “Everyone at Nintendo works hard every day to bring our games to market, and we know that our devoted fans have so much love for each and every one of them. We look forward to storing, preserving, and distributing the genetic code of Mr. Miyamoto and other classic Nintendo employees in ways that will surprise and delight our fans for years to come.”

At press time, sources had discovered several documents included in the leak indicating plans for the release of Satoru Iwata Mini by Christmas 2020.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Blizzard Announces Mobile BlizzCon Because Everyone Has a Cellphone

IRVINE, Calif. — The latest convention to close its doors due to ongoing COVID-19 concerns, Blizzard has announced that the annual BlizzCon will be streamed online because everyone has a cellphone.

“We wanted to make exciting changes to the con this year,” explained Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick. “We received very vocal feedback from fans at our 2018 convention about Diablo Mobile, and wanted to try to reach that level of fan engagement again. I can’t remember exactly what everyone was so mad about that year, but I know it had something to do with everybody having a cellphone. So hey, why not do the Con on those? I’m excited to see how much everyone loves the decision.”

Kotick insisted he could not give details on what the company would be announcing at the convention, but did offer a few insights into upcoming games.

“I can’t give everything away, but I think people are going to be really excited about our World of Warcraft mobile clicker,” Kotick said, “as well as finally getting to hear about the long-awaited Starcraft: Ghost, which has been renamed StarCraft: Ghost: Go! and let’s fans collect Zerg, Protoss, and Terran upgrades by walking around and clicking on locations in their neighborhood.”

At press time, Kotick also assured fans that Mobile BlizzCon will include hit events from the live convention, such as Zoom chats with World of Warcraft cosplayers and a surprisingly long wait time to use the bathroom.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



NYPD Sends Controller to Crime Lab After Officer Loses in Smash Bros

NEW YORK — The NYPD confirmed today that they have launched an official investigation into the controller purchased at a local GameStop by policeman Steve Brynkowski, after the off-duty officer suffered a particularly brutal loss in Smash Bros.

“We have our best forensic minds working day and night to prove what we already know in our hearts,” said NYPD Commissioner Dermot F. Shea in his statement to the press. “That this tragic blow to Officer Brynkowski’s GSP is the result of no less than a criminal conspiracy to tamper with the controllers of our beloved boys in blue and make them lose at video games.”

The Commissioner then welcomed Brynkowski himself to the podium to address the crowd of reporters.

“If the GameStop employee who tampered with my controller is listening, rest assured, you will be caught,” declared Brynkowski, his eyes clearly still haunted from what he experienced. “And if Smash Bros player ‘fluffybutt97’ is listening, you did not win fair and square. We have obtained a search warrant and will be sending a SWAT team to confiscate all Nintendo products from your home.”

When asked to respond to these allegations, a spokesperson for GameStop categorically denied them.

“There is no way any of our employees were involved in this,” said the spokesperson. “If you have ever been to a GameStop, you know that our workers are way too dead inside to engage in any act of rebellion, no matter how small.”

At press time, Brynkowski and his fellow officers were seen purchasing new controllers from Best Buy for a 7v1 battle against a CPU Mr. Game & Watch.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Target Promises Employees a Slightly More Bougie Version of Coronavirus Than Walmart Employees

MINNEAPOLIS — Popular retailer Target sternly pledged to its employees today that any Coronavirus they are exposed to at their stores would be generally the same, but just a little more ‘bougie’ than anything they might be exposed to if they were Walmart employees.

“We hear our employees complaints about the lack of paid sick leave and access to gloves and masks, and we want to calm their fears,” said Target CEO Brian Cornell. “At Target, we pride ourselves on catering to the type of shopper who wouldn’t be caught dead at Walmart, despite not being that different financially or socially from your average Walmart shopper. Our employees can go into work confident that any viruses that infect them will be from an almost upper-crust type of person — the kind of person that’s above Great Value, but not quite Seventh Generation. The ‘Up & Up’ shopper, if you will.”

However, most Target employees were not receptive.

“I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that a virus is a virus no matter who it’s coming from,” stated Target cashier Jim Blevins. “You don’t know what it’s like to be in the middle of a shift when suddenly a clan of Karens swarms you with a cart full of Xhilaration leggings, and none of them are wearing masks in the name of ‘freedom’ or some shit.”

Likewise, not every Target customer was pleased with this characterization.

“Look, I’m not like some of those gutter people who come into Walmart just riddled with the disease pouring out of every orifice,” said frequent Target customer Becky Little. “Why some of those people have trouble social distancing is beyond me. I’ve been quarantined at my suburban home with the kids for the past month and we’ve been doing just fine, but now I need craft supplies… and I’ll be damned if some whiny Target employee gets in my way.”

At press time, Target did confirm that despite their differences, they would gladly team up with Walmart executives to crush any attempts by their employees to unionize.

I Wasn’t Born With It: I Earned My Narcissism

I’m sick of hearing people talk about the amazing things I do and the incredible person I am and attributing it all to what I was born with. “Oooh were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth??” No fucknuts, it was gold. Were you born with my silver dick in your mouth? No. Because my dick is also gold (and you were born with it in your mouth).

Call me entitled? Sure. Am I arrogant? Absolutely. Do I think I’m better than everyone else? You’re goddamn right. But don’t you dare say I was born this way. I earned every ounce of my narcissism.

Do you think one gets as full of themselves as I am without putting in decades of hard work? While you and your pissant little family were working eight hours a day at the dipshit factory, I was putting on my suit and slaving 10, 12, sometimes even 16 hour days looking at myself in the mirror admiring my calves and ability to grow a beard. Remember that scene in American Psycho when the hero Patrick Bateman was fucking while looking at himself in the mirror? We should all be more like Patrick. Not sure how that movie ended though, I never finished it.

SIKE! That serial killer fucking rocks! Obviously, the killing wasn’t literal. It was a metaphor. A metaphor for stepping on lesser folks who aren’t as good as you and, sure, sometimes killing them. Don’t like it? Work harder.

Was I born with money and a company my dad runs that I will eventually take over? Fuck yeah. But was my father born with that too? No! His father was. I come from a very prestigious lineage of narcissists and it’s a lot to live up to.

I wasn’t born with this clinically dangerous level of self-confidence. It’s all earned, baby. Sometimes I do 10 minutes of actual work and spend the rest of the day complimenting myself. There are times, however, when I doubt myself or even feel like maybe I’m not as good as I say I am. Sometimes I think maybe this overindulgence of arrogance and constant stream of self-congratulation is me overcorrecting for the underlying truth that I’m just an average guy who was set up pretty well in life and at times I’m even blowing that.

Those are the times I have to fight the hardest to maintain my narcissism. Because unwarranted confidence is not something you earn and keep forever. You have to work your ass off to maintain it. Anyone can be a weekend warrior narcissist but the real pieces of shit like me give it everything they’ve got year round.

I’m kidding of course. There is no one else like me. I am one of a kind. Because I earned it.

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