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How Rapid Cycling Helped Me Lose All That Pesky Emotional Weight

Between the emotional eating and the prolonged periods of immobility, a lengthy depressive episode is a fast track to weight gain. Fortunately, I discovered an emotional weight-loss method sure to tone your core down so slim, the world will see your barely-beating heart. It’s called “rapid cycling” and I’ve learned how to use this crippling psychological phenomenon to your weight-loss advantage!

Have you ever thought to yourself “I’m bored and I’m sad and my housemates are asleep so now seems like a good time to start a fire in the front yard?” If so, you might be experiencing what my shrink and crying ex-girlfriends call rapid cycling. Rapid cycling means quickly flipping between manic and depressive states. For most people, this isn’t the fun kind of flipping, like candy-flipping, but once you get in touch with your inner Mad Victorian Beggar Woman, the possibilities for losing loved ones and those last few pesky pounds before swimsuit season!

As I write this, I’m fresh out of ten days of basket-weaving and navel-gazing at the psych ward and ready to rejoin the world sleeker and toned. Sure, maybe my housemates moved all my stuff out when I was gone, but look at these emotionally-sculpted abs. This emotional weight and friend-loss regimen will make you the envy of all your ward mates, past and future.

Like any part of mental health, this may sound big and scary at first. But with a little practice, and maybe even a little lighter fluid, you too can burn your life (and your fat!) to the ground in a single weekend.