The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Disguises Actionless White Guilt as a “Much Needed Break from the News”

Posted on June 19, 2020 by Jay Shingle

SEATTLE — White guy Joey Kipling started a two week break from consuming any news late last week, citing discomfort, confusion, and depression as reasons for his personal “media blackout.”

“Everything is crazy in the country right now,” Kipling said. “I needed to take a step back for my own mental health. Everything I do should feel good, right? I can’t be my best if I’m wallowing in the darkness of the current times everyday — you can’t be there for others if you don’t take care of yourself. So that’s what I’ll be doing, by playing ‘Animal Crossing’ and avoiding Instagram for at least the next few weeks.”

Kipling talked over the intentional and curiously-timed break with his therapist before reaching his decision.

“It is true that I coined the phrase ‘social media diet’ to help Joey with previous problems,” said Kipling’s therapist, Ana Huerta. “But I reminded him that excessive social media use, and responsibly staying abreast of current events, are two entirely different things. Still, he insisted that the news right now was ‘just too much, I don’t know.’ I couldn’t really get through to him on this issue, so we moved onto his difficulties with opening his mail.”

Kipling’s roommate Meti Otieno, a queer person of color and activist, was less forgiving of his willful blindness.

“I told him it was bullshit: I told him he was running from the problem because of his unchecked white guilt. Instead of sitting with it, processing it, and learning where he could contribute and take action, he chose to turn a blind eye to it. It’s similar to how he treats his dirty dishes and responsibilities as a dog owner,” Otieno stated. “I tried to give him information on upcoming rallies, where he could donate, and even some reading materials, but none of it worked — he told me I was ‘lording over his mental health’ and that I ‘just wouldn’t understand.’”

Kipling was last seen on his phone, looking for fun Airbnb properties far out in nature at which to spend the rest of his break. “I just need to get my dad to Venmo me for this spot, and then I’m off to meditate and realign, better than ever” he said.

We Sat Down With Mac DeMarco Because How Else Are We Supposed to Kill Time in This Drunk Tank?

Posted on June 19, 2020 by Collin Canning

Music journalism is an immersive endeavor. In order to keep up with what’s happening we at The Hard Times go to shows constantly. This rock-solid dedication leads us to extraordinary opportunities and a lot of alcohol-related arrests. Recently, it lead to both!

We got the chance to sit down with indie rocker Mac DeMarco because he was also arrested for disorderly contact outside that club.

The Hard Times: Mind if I sit here?
Mac DeMarco: Sure, it’s a free country.
I know, although we are technically being detained.
That’s super wild.
Yeah, I personally only had a couple of beers, but when you told those kids to flip that car they kinda just grabbed everyone.
Fuck, that’s just not fair. Do you have a cigarette?
Uh, no I don’t smoke, but I think I see several dozen in the pocket of your overalls there.
Yeah, but we can’t fucking smoke in here.
I know.
I know.
Uhh, sooo… I wonder how long we’ll be here.
Usually til 8 or 9 unless I puke again.
Well let’s lookout for that. Do you have any music coming out this year?
I think so. What’s today?
Ummm. Tuesday as of two hours ago.
Hmmm.. maybe not then.
Oh gotcha. Say, mind telling me about your KEXP Set?
I still haven’t gotten paid for that.
Really? Is that a paying gig?
Shit, I should’ve looked into that.
Right. Mind if I ask you about your current tour?
Shoot!
Well, what made you…
No I mean, “shoot, I’m supposed to be on tour right now”
Well that would explain why you’re 1,500 miles away from your scheduled performance tonight in Washington.
Fucking Washington, man. Any other Questions?
Just one. On Salad Days, I noticed you were getting pretty creative with using overlayed guitar tracks and I was just wondering if that was a conscious decision in the beginning stages of… Mac? …Mac? Can someone turn him over, please?

Scientists Resurrect Dead Scene Using DNA from Guitarist Preserved in Amber

Posted on June 19, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Genetic scientists have resurrected a dead punk scene using the DNA of an original guitarist preserved in amber, sources sick of hearing about how “shit was so much better back in the day” confirmed.

“Recently, some maintenance workers discovered the body of guitarist Simon ‘Skin’ Rodriguez in the basement of a once legendary punk venue, perfectly preserved in a fossilized mixture of weed resin, sweat, and Pepsi syrup from the bar’s soda gun,” explained an animated strand of DNA with a charming southern drawl. “Using sophisticated scientific techniques, we extracted his blood, filled in the holes in his genetic code with DNA strands from gorillas, frogs, and other animals, and with some additional cloning, brought a once thriving scene back to life. We spared no expense.”

Former punk and woman old enough to know the “good ol’ days” were actually kind of shitty, Mahdi Robinson, insisted the experiment would lead to chaos.

“Punk had it’s shot. And nature, as well as an ever-evolving youth culture, selected it for extinction,” said Robinson. “These scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could bring back the local scene, they never stopped to think of whether they should. Now we have a group of punks in the tightest, most ripped-up pants you’ve ever seen, blabbering about Ronald Regan all day, that will defend themselves violently if necessary.”

Unfortunately, Robinson’s dire predictions came true during the genetically engineered punk band’s first performance.

“As soon as the band figured out the chain link fence in front of the stage wasn’t electrified, they went wild — really fucking shit up. The kids in the crowd clearly had no clue what kind of untamed beasts ’80s punks truly are,” said audience member Blake Buckley. “Luckily, bouncers were able to distract the band using some emergency flares before subduing them with a fresh keg to drink and a live goat to eat.”

The geneticists have since discovered that due to the amphibious frog DNA used to fill in the punk’s genetic code, the musicians are able to effortlessly switch between hardcore and crossover thrash.

‘FF7 Remake’ Only $60 If You Don’t Count the $300 PS4

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

TOKYO — Square Enix released a high-quality remaster of its epic classic Final Fantasy 7 at the reasonable price of $60 USD, assuming you don’t count the cost of a PlayStation 4.

“I was just going to skip the PS4 altogether, since none of the games really caught my attention. I made my decision to get the Switch and now I am regretting that choice,” said Final Fantasy 7 fan Patrick Danielson. “That was until the remake came out, and now I am essentially buying a whole console for a single game. I was looking into refurbished units, but I don’t feel that pays enough respect to the legacy of VII.”

Despite the massive extra cost for many fans, Square Enix stood by its decision to only release the game on PlayStation 4.

“We believe that sixty American dollars is a fair price for a high-definition rerelease of one of the greatest stories in video game history,” Square Enix President Yosuke Matsuda said at a press conference. “Sure, maybe we could have offered this nostalgia bait on Steam or GOG, but the real fans will happily buy an entire system just for the detail in Sephiroth’s hair.”

The academic community also came to the defense of Square Enix, as video game historian Violet Strickland insisted that fans like Danielson were overreacting.

“At least there are a few other good games for the PS4. This is all part of being a video game fan,” Strickland said. “I bought an Xbox just for Halo in 2001. And no one will forget ‎Alien vs Predator‎ for the Atari Jaguar, but name another Jaguar game. The worst was when everyone bought a Sega Saturn for literally no good games to be released for it at all. This is just how it works, and one thing is for sure: the way it works is good and should never change.”

There were also reports that Danielson planned to build an entire PC tower for $1,500 so he could download Stardew Valley for $8.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Embarrassed Scorsese Admits ‘Gangs of New York’ Was Based on ‘Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War’

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Putting his past remarks about the legitimacy of Marvel movies and the nerd culture boom into new context, an embarrassed Martin Scorcese admitted to the press yesterday that his 2002 epic crime drama Gangs of New York was actually loosely adapted from the 1996 Japan-only Super Famicom game Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War.

“I still regret all of the people I upset when I said that Marvel movies aren’t real movies,” began Scorcese’s statement, posted as a screenshot of the iPhone Notes app on various social media channels maintained by the Oscar-winning director’s production company. “Deep down, I think I was repressing my own heritage as a rabid otaku and Super Famicom import enthusiast. That’s why I finally want to come clean about the fact that Gangs of New York was actually adapted from the plot of Genealogy of the Holy War, which I think is one of the best unlocalized Fire Emblem titles.”

“This might not be a surprise to anyone familiar with FE:GotHW,” Scorcese’s statement continued. “The continent of Jugdral, where the game takes place, is divided among eight countries vying for dominance, much like the way the gangs in the film struggle for control over the Five Points neighborhood of 19th-century Manhattan. The journey of Amsterdam Vallon to kill Bill the Butcher and avenge his father Priest Vallon is also heavily drawn from GotHW’s plotline, where — spoiler warning! — the son of Prince Sigurd works in secrecy to defeat the Loptyr cult and avenge his father, Prince Sigurd, and ascend to the throne of Grannvale. I actually set up Leo [DiCaprio] with a translated ROM of the game when he was preparing for the role because I thought this parallel was so important.”

Sources say that Scorcese’s confessional stretched on for five full screenshots of the Notes app in subsequent posts, as the filmmaker dutifully ranked each unlocalized Fire Emblem game before concluding with instructions on how to emulate them from wowroms.com.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Birth Control Taken at Exact Same Time Every Few Days

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Dom Turek

GARLAND, Texas — Local woman Kristen Tate practices safe sex by taking her birth control at the exact same time once every few days if she remembers to or whenever it’s on hand, Tate admitted earlier today.

“I’m not ready to be a mom, which is why I’m careful to take my birth control at exactly 8:00 p.m. at least a few times a week,” said Tate, popping three days worth of missed pills into her hand. “Luckily, birth control pills are a lot like vitamins, which is why it’s okay to miss one here and there. You can’t expect to have these things refilled exactly when you run out every month anyway. So, like I say about exercise — or calling my parents back — everything in moderation.”

Tate’s on-again, off-again boyfriend of five months Chad Abbott wished he could do more to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and does his best, regardless.

“I always assumed she was on the birth control patch,” said Abbott, incorrectly referring to the nicotine patch Tate’s been wearing for several months. “‘Her body, her choice’ is what I’ve always said when it’s most convenient for me. I’d help out if I could, but there’s no male birth control pill on the market and unfortunately we’re both allergic to latex or whatever condoms are made of… so those are completely out of the question. For health reasons.”

Health care professionals reccommend couples use a back-up method of birth control if the pill is not taken as directed, such as condoms, spermicide, or jumping up and down right after sex.

“Kristen is not allergic to latex,” said Dr. Claire Mendez, Tate’s primary healthcare physician. “Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you’re allergic to it. If taken correctly, the pill alone can be very safe and effective at preventing an unwanted pregnancy, but something tells me her pack of birth control looks like an unfinished game of Connect Four. Only infertility or a bum ovary can save her now.”

At press time, Tate was overheard blaming this month’s moon cycle on her period being three weeks late.

Opinion: There’s No Such Thing as a Good Police Academy Movie

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

As the old adage goes, ACAB:

All
Cop movies
Are
Bad

Yeah, I said it. If we ever want to have another Police Academy movie, the entire thing needs to be completely rebooted from scratch, because it is problematic from start to finish. The only good Police Academy movie is a DEAD Police Academy Movie… Like in 2003 when they tried to announce the eighth installment to the franchise, and it went directly to development hell where all Police Academies belong.

Every single joke is done to death. They kill as many as they can with zero remorse. Seriously, the cops in the movie will take something wonderful and beautiful, with a life of its own, and just lean on it way too hard until it’s a lifeless shell; It is comedic brutality at its worst. From the ridiculous story to the outlandish set pieces, this thing that people claim is a hero’s journey, is the furthest thing from it. The real hero in this story is whoever finally kills the Police Academy franchise for good.

Now, some will try and convince you that there are good people involved. For instance, Bobcat and Guttenberg are notoriously kind and generous people. Michael Winslow is brilliantly talented. But letting the filmmakers get away with something so horrible, means they are complacent, and thus, part of the problem. They did not need to make six additional movies, they could have walked out at any point, especially upon seeing the scripts.

This is not an isolated problem though. It’s not just Police Academy. Hollywood is constantly pushing franchises with dumb plots and absurd humor; the problem is systemic. Just because a director is able to shoot a movie, doesn’t mean they should. These people should be better trained to know when to shoot and when not to. When to let a scene breathe. When to force tears from the audience when to start fight scenes, all of it. It’s the producers running Hollywood that need to hold these directors accountable.

What worries me most about this is that even if we dismantle the system and start over, Gutenberg is going to continue getting those residuals. How dare he simply disappear into retirement and live off those monthly checks after mercilessly killing a franchise with so much potential! We have to put a stop to this immediately. No Police Academy 8, no Super Troopers 3, and definitely no Die Hard 11, or whichever one they’re up to by now. It’s time we get rid of an outdated and useless system.

Except for Lethal Weapon, there’s literally nothing problematic about those movies, or anyone involved in making them so they get a pass.

White Woman Calls The Police A Better Band Than The Beatles

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Anthony Robinson

NEW YORK — Local white woman Rebecca Shulz went viral today after calling The Police a better band than The Beatles in what witnesses described as a “baffling situation.”

“I thought this was going to be like all of the other viral moments you see on Twitter,” said Nora Kain, a black woman who was in Central Park listening to the classic Beatles album “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” from her portable radio at a park table when Shulz approached her about the music. “‘She’s Leaving Home’ came on, and all of a sudden some white lady with highlights came over yelling, ‘All British Bands Matter!’ all hysterical. So, I pulled my phone out and started recording.”

Witnesses report Shulz then called the Police’s “Synchronicity” a “superior album” while Kain looked on, visibly upset.

“That white lady was so unreasonable,” recalled eyewitness Noam DeMarco. “Everyone has their preferences, but that’s a ‘hot take’ right there. Even though ‘Synchronicity’ is a great album as their last work together, achieving some experimentation with well-written songs, ‘Sgt. Pepper’ clearly made a bigger cultural impact and was far more memorable.”

“Plus, The Police are posers who switched over from punk rock to generic, reggae-influenced new wave songs and boring ballads,” he added.

Unsurprisingly, Shulz defended her opinion and confrontation.

“I called The Police a better band because I’m tired of Beatles fans coming into my neighborhood, thinking they’re the only good British pop band out there,” she stated. “Where I’m from, we show respect to The Police. The Police don’t get enough credit for the hard work and dedication they put into songs like ‘Roxanne’ and ‘Every Breath You Take’ — even songs like ‘So Lonely’ and ‘Walking on the Moon’ and ‘Message in a Bottle’ are bangers. Beatles fans aren’t welcome.”

At press time, the situation had de-escalated, leaving Kain relieved that “at least it wasn’t about racism this time. Still an annoying white lady, though.”

Girlfriend Really Dragging Her Feet in Co-Op Game She’s Being Forced to Play

Posted on June 17, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

BROCKTON, Mass. — Noting the fact that she keeps falling behind to the edge of the screen and dying repeatedly, local gamer Tyler Benson says that his girlfriend Marie Wentworth is really dragging her feet in the co-op game of Kirby: Star Allies that she’s being forced to play.

“Usually Marie’s got great attention to detail, but she’s gotta tighten up right now because it’s really weighing us both down,” said Benson, who purchased Kirby: Star Allies because of the advertised co-op mode before checking with Wentworth to see if she was even interested in playing the game with him. “I mean, no offense but Kirby isn’t even that hard! And it’s not just within the game, either. She’s been lagging like this ever since I showed her the game and suggested that we stay in this evening and give it a shot. It took 20 minutes just to get her to pick up a Joy-Con and choose a character. What gives?”

Benson says that this has happened almost every time that he and his girlfriend have played co-op at his suggestion. He’s beginning to think that this pattern of behavior means that Wentworth might just not be very good at video games.

“Usually, when we play co-op, I try to help her out by telling her which buttons to press, and then she starts to seem even less engaged and frustrated with the game. It usually ends in an argument, too. I guess that was to be expected when we played Overcooked, but who gets mad playing Luigi’s Mansion 3? I’m starting to think she has an anger problem.”

At press time, Wentworth had reportedly stepped away from the game to use the bathroom and stayed inside for 15 minutes.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Following Patch, Overwatch Cereal Now Part of a Well-Balanced Breakfast

Posted on June 17, 2020 by Andrew Darling

BATTLE CREEK, Mich. — Following criticism of the Overwatch themed breakfast cereal’s initial release, Kellogg’s announced that their Lucio Oh’s cereal has received a massive update this week to ensure that it’s part of a well-balanced breakfast.

“We heard our customers’ feedback that the yellow oh’s needed to be nerfed, so we’ve reduced their flavorfulness by 20 percent,” said Kellogg’s marketing representative Linday Carrothers in a prepared statement. “We’ve also increased the hitboxes on the green oh’s after hearing many reports that they were a choking hazard to small children. There are various other minor updates that make version 1.1 of Lucio Oh’s a huge improvement over the vanilla edition. And just to clarify, they are still vanilla flavored. We wouldn’t mess with that.”

“I’m so relieved they patched out marshmallows in this build,” says mother of two Wendy Larson. “I really didn’t want to have to nerf my kids’ sugar intake myself, but I couldn’t just change cereals.”

Although the reception to this news was generally positive, some negative comments have been voiced online by a small but vocal group of fans.

“The goddamn cereal was perfect the way it was,” says avid cereal and Overwatch fan Matt Skelton. “This is going to fuck with my entire breakfast meta. I need to head to CostCo as soon as I can and figure out a new loadout from scratch.”

Kellogg’s executives were surprised but encouraged by the enthusiastic response to the cereal’s update.

“We weren’t expecting this kind of response,” said Kellogg’s CEO Steve Cahillane. “No one even seemed to notice when we pulled ‘Battleborn Bunches of Oats’ from shelves.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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