I’ll Have You Know My Dad’s a Cop, So Yeah Fuck Cops

Posted on by Ed Saincome

America is more divided than ever on the issue of policing and frustrations are at a boiling point as we watch clashes between protesters and the law unfold. Public trust in the police is at an all-time low and millions are demanding officers’ arrests after countless examples of excessive force and brutality. In times like these, it can be hard to look past our own emotions and see the real people on the other side; like my dad, a fifteen-year veteran cop, and an absolute bag of wet dog shit.

Fuck the police in general but fuck my dad specifically.

I know what you’re thinking: “Aren’t ALL cops bastards who should be arrested and jailed for their crimes against humanity?” Well, you’re absolutely right to feel that way. But when we say “all cops,” we risk overlooking my dad in particular. A man who, as you may recall, is a worthless pig motherfucker whose dick doesn’t work.

The language we use when talking about the police is so important right now, especially when finding the right words to insult my dad.

It can be easy to label an entire group as evil, cowardly, scum of the earth based on the illegal and racist actions of hundreds of shitty officers. And honestly, it’s even easier if you met my asshole dad, who has never stopped a single crime and cries when he doesn’t get his 10% discount at Under Armour. Please don’t let a few bad apples overshadow true shitstains like my dad, and every other cop who needs a stepladder to climb into their Ford F-250.

We’re at a crossroads in America right now, and it’s more important than ever that we stand up for what’s right, hold police accountable, and harass my dad on Facebook whenever he posts another racist meme or Punisher logo or whatever the fuck he does between harassing black communities and getting another divorce. Together we can create real change in this country, or at least make my dad cry and quit his job.

Crisis Actor Tired of Being Typecast As Father of Dead Kid

Posted on by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Worried about industry typecasting, representatives of local crisis actor Daniel Mauer say he is seeking a wider range of roles, hoping to finally break from his recurring part as “Father of Dead Child #4.”

“At first I was happy getting any role that came along, and any form of ‘Grieving Father’ is decent — lots of speaking parts, and sometimes an interview with our close friends at CNN; all that pays extra. But after all these years, I can barely remember the name of the school I’m supposed to be standing in front of,” Mauer said from an undisclosed location. “With my range, I’m cut out for so much more: I’d make a great ‘Bomb Survivor,’ or even ‘Hero Teacher.’ For Christ’s sake, I graduated top of my class at Black Site Acting School.”

Mauer’s agent, Teddy Reynolds of Operation Artists & Talent, understands the actor’s frustrations.

“Danny is a top-notch talent, but no one can get over his early work in ‘Mall Shooting #437’ back in ’06 — I nearly believed him myself. Now that’s all anybody wants him for. Just last week, I pitched him as ‘Soldier Coming Home and Surprising Daughter,’ and I got crickets,” Reynolds said via Skype. “And to be honest, he’s about to age out of Dad roles… and work gets pretty slim after that. If it’s going to happen, it needs to happen now. I mean, who gives a fuck about ‘Crying Older Uncle?’ Not me.”

While Mauer’s feelings may be valid, Deep State Director of Propaganda Affairs, Agent Archons X4, stressed the importance of everyone owning their roles.

“We hear this sort of complaint often. Every crisis actor thinks they’re the Laurence Olivier of mass shootings. But they’re not seeing the entire puzzle: it’s delicate work, and needs to be directed perfectly to stay one step ahead of the YouTubers,” Archon X4 explained from deep inside the Illuminati ocean compound. “We all appreciate Mr. Mauer’s efforts over the years — his work has warmed even my cold, reptilian blood. But if he wants to continue complaining about his assignments, I’m certain we can find him a role as ‘Missing American Tourist’ very shortly.”

Fortunately for Mr. Mauer, he has already booked a new, ongoing role as a coronavirus patient, and is set to tour the country with the production through at least 2021.

Gamer Dad Gives Up 20-25 Hours Into Forging Connection With Son

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

SALEM, N.H. — Local gamer father Jack Ruebens has announced he will stop attempting to forge a relationship with his son Chet, 12, after over 20 hours of dedicated time together.

“I had a great time with Chet’s basic loop of outdoor activity and conversation, but it’s clear once the initial thrill of seeing my flesh and blood grow into their own person wears off, the actual experience is pretty thin,” Ruebens said. “At the end of the day, it just isn’t worth my time to invest all of this energy into Chet when there’s so many other children available.”

“You can’t think about the money and time you’ve already invested in one kid,” Ruebens added. “That’s the sunk-cost fallacy. Just leave those kids behind.”

When asked for comment, Chet was unsurprised at the news that Ruebens would not be completing his son’s story missions. 

“While I understand that my dad has a massive backlog of yardwork and Red Sox games, I maintain that the rewards for mastering the ‘Father and Son’ mechanics can provide over 100 hours of entertainment,” Chet explained. “I have some really interesting upgrades like ‘Learner’s Permit’ and ‘Shaving’ deep in my skill tree that he’s going to miss out on.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Ruebens struggled for years to carve out the hours necessary to complete the Chet campaign. He has suggested that overblown expectations may be to blame for his bouncing off of the relationship. 

“All my friends kept saying, ‘Just wait until you get to the sex talk’ or ‘The Talk is where the narrative really kicks into gear,’” the elder Reubens said. “I finally got there last week, but it was just awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. There wasn’t even a moment where I got to work through my own trauma while my son was in mortal peril or anything.”

Despite his ambivalence on the parenting genre, Ruebens still expressed excitement for his wife’s upcoming announcement of next-gen children.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Tense, Grim, and Violent: Our Review of ‘The Last Of Us Part 2’ Discourse

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Navigating the discourse surrounding highly anticipated video games, much like the apocalypse, is a constant struggle for survival. Discussion about the original The Last of Us was unanimously positive, and even in 2020, gamers still frequently agree with one another about how much they like the game with the same enthusiasm they had in 2013. However, talking about The Last of Us Part 2 is much more tense, grim, and violent than talking about its predecessor, making readers and participants subject to an onslaught of heated disagreements, divisive opinions, and gruesome spoilers without a glimmer of hope in sight.

Game director Neil Druckmann has described the discourse around The Last of Us Part 2 as “a commentary about the cycle of violence.” Much like the Cordyceps-infected husks in the game’s dystopian world, commenters across the internet have been shambling aimlessly from website to website ever since Part 2’s review embargo was lifted, searching for hapless opinion-havers to devour. Meanwhile, just like Ellie while she crouches behind a box to craft an improvised explosive, game critics have been cobbling together opinions and insights under tight deadlines and heavy embargo restrictions to lob back at the shrieking masses. In the game, Ellie always manages to wipe out danger and prevail by the skin of her teeth. In real life, however, there’s never an end to the throngs of people willing to get mad about this game.

The Last Of Us Part 2 promises to encourage the player to ask philosophical questions about morality, consequences, and the nature of revenge. Certainly, those themes must be present in the game, because they’re present in some of the discourse surrounding the game. However, these topics are heavily overshadowed by discussions about developer crunch, animal cruelty, and the unpleasant fact that the game’s post-pandemic narrative echoes the current state of the world. The discourse surrounding Part 2 hits you over the head with these points over and over until it becomes hard to want to push on and learn what’s actually good about it.

No matter how hard things get, both the characters in The Last of Us Part 2 and the people debating it push forward — tired, bloodied, and traumatized, but dusting themselves off and preparing for the next challenge they’ll face. But sometimes, you have to wonder if it would be easier to get bitten and turned into a clicker so you don’t have to see or read about any of it.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Tearful Ben Stiller Smothers “Night at the Museum’s” Columbus Statue With a Pillow

Posted on by James Kinneen

NEW YORK — The American Museum of Natural History’s cast bronze and allegedly sentient Christopher Columbus statue was the victim of a mercy killing last night at the hands of a recently divorced night security guard, protesting sources confirmed.

“The security guard lured the Columbus statue — which we were shocked to learn could walk, talk, and crack wise — into an abandoned section of the museum. The guard then straddled him and used a pillow to suffocate the metal likeness of the genocidal Italian explorer,” said detective Eric Chavez. “The presence of protestors outside the museum, combined with reports of the guard crying and whispering, ‘Once again, you travel into the unknown,’ and, ‘You’ll always have the most populous city in Ohio,’ lead us to believe this was a mercy killing.”

While Chavez wouldn’t comment on whether charges would be brought against the guard, legal scholars are mixed. Columbia Law professor Harvey Swalinski noted the lack of precedent regarding magic historical figures.

“On the one hand, it appears no police officer or district attorney in the country is willing to arrest and prosecute protestors who topple problematic statues,” said Swalinski. “On the other hand, this Columbus moved, spoke, and once helped apprehend a trio of elderly antique thieves. It’s a tough case.”

While the protesters outside chanted, clapped, and applauded as the statue’s lifeless body was hauled away, reactions inside the museum were mixed.

“There’s a certain brotherhood among us historical effigies, so despite his abhorrent past, I do believe Chris will be missed. While I don’t condone such a cowardly coup de grace in the face of an unwinnable battle, I understand the motivation,” explained former U.S. President, lifelong eugenicist, and New Orleans lynching supporter Theodore Roosevelt. “We can’t be celebrating men like Christopher Columbus with statues.”

It is unclear if the museum will add another historical figure in its place, but longtime curator Dr. Richard McPhee was emphatic that Columbus was gone for good.

“Christopher Columbus was a monster,” McPhee said. “He didn’t discover anything. He didn’t prove the earth was round. And perhaps most egregious of all, he wasn’t even voiced by a recognizable celebrity.”

41-Year-Old Skater Punk Impulsively Flips off Security Guard Working at Bank

Posted on by John Sevigne

FRESNO, Calif. — Local middle-aged skateboarder Eddy Tirado impulsively flipped off the security guard standing by the front door of the Chase bank he was entering earlier today to cash his paycheck, leaked security footage confirmed.

“I honestly don’t know what happened. I just sort of blacked out for a second,” admitted Tirado. “I opened the door, and there was this old man there in a security outfit… and then without realizing it, I have my finger in his face and I’m muttering the words, ‘Skateboarding is not a crime, fuckbag.’ I didn’t even have my skateboard with me — there was nothing to skate in the bank. It was like an animal instinct took over.”

“I tried to say I’m sorry, but the words came out as, ‘Go kill yourself, you rent-a-cop bastard,’” added Tirado.

Safe-Tek security guard Edgar Tresten admitted he is used to such interactions and is no longer bothered by them.

“When I first started this job, I’ll admit, it did get to me a bit — every time there was someone in a ‘Thrasher’ shirt, they’d stare me down like they wanted to fight and my blood would start to boil,” said Tresten. “Now I just laugh it off: I can’t let an adult who uses a skateboard as their primary source of transportation ruin my day; that would be ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as being a full grown man who hangs out at skateparks and still thinks Vans slip-ons are good enough to wear to a wedding.”

Psychologists warn that the biases held by most adult skateboarders can lead to a variety of unhealthy interactions.

“I had one patient who was nearly 50 who would still refer to someone rollerblading as a ‘fruit booter.’ I informed them that the slur has homophobic and reflected poorly on their character, but often times, that doesn’t change this ingrained behavior that likely started around 1994,” said Dr. Laurie Donovan. “In addition to security guards, another common trigger for most adult skateboarders is BMX riders using pegs on pool coping. But at least I can understand that — the pegs really fuck it up.”

After completing his transaction, Tirado reportedly spent the following 30 minutes in the parking lot eyeballing a manual pad and waxed curb.

Maybe This Is Controversial but the Scene Was Way Better Back When We Could Leave Our Houses

Posted on by John Dixon

Being locked down in my apartment for the past few months has given me time to reflect on life and how I spend mine. This time spent in isolation has put some things in perspective for me in terms of who I am as a person and what I want out of life and, most importantly, my local scene. I had a realization that blew my mind and, though it may be controversial, if you’ll take this journey with me, you’ll see things as they are: the scene was way better when we could leave our houses.

Yes, I know this may piss some people off but I’ve never been one to back down when I believe in something except when asked to protest on behalf of it.

I know we’re all doing our best with live-streamed performances and Zoom calls but it’s time to admit it just isn’t the same as being crammed into a dark building with no air conditioning with a hundred sweaty strangers. Even when you finally find a good one, the sense of community vanishes when any random asshole from Poser Springs, Montana can drop into a stream and tell OUR local bands, “nice set.” That’s our honor and privilege for being in this town and a part of this scene.

Think of all the honest people who are out of work: sound guys, bartenders, light guys. And the dishonest ones too: aggressive security, thieving doormen, and let’s be real, most of those sound guys, bartenders, and light guys too.

Plus, think of all the experiences you can’t have at home. Stuff like avoiding eye contact with the merch guy after not tipping him, spilling the drink you took into the pit all over yourself, and wringing other people’s sweat out of your clothes at the end of the night. You can try and recreate this experience at home, but trust me, you’re better off waiting out the pandemic.

Fortunately, my state looks like it’s entering phase two of reopening next week. Even if we can only have outdoor shows right now, it’ll be refreshing to get back to normal: finding excuses not to see my friends’ bands again.

Cop Has Ribs Removed So He Can Lick His Own Boot

Posted on by John Merrifield

NEW YORK — Ofc. Peter McKenzie of the NYPD underwent a controversial and dangerous surgery last week to alleviate stress on his abdomen during his daily routine of licking his own boots, according to leaked medical records.

“Bootlicking was much easier before I became a cop. It requires a lot more flexibility when you have to reach your own feet,” said McKenzie of Brooklyn’s 68th precinct. “Once I became part of the system, it was difficult to deny its rampant failure to provide equal protection to communities of all backgrounds and belief systems. But after the surgery, I’ve been able to do all kinds of gymnastics, dodging personal accountability and evading evidence of systemic injustice. Most importantly, I don’t have to rely on anyone else to do this for me — I can lick my own boots in the comfort of my bedroom, or sometimes in the squad car between calls.”

The procedure was carried out by Dr. David Hon at Emu Health Surgery Center in Queens, who hopes that the success of McKenzie’s surgery will spark a trend in law enforcement.

“I can absolutely see this becoming a common procedure for our men and women in blue who believe there is nothing that needs fixing inside their ranks,” said Dr. Hon. “And while it’s true that the ribs serve as protection for the internal organs, bulletproof vests make that a non-issue. So the good cops can comfortably watch bad cops do bad things, and then go home after their shifts and openly lick their own boots before then having their boots licked by their friends and family. It’s very appealing.”

McKenzie’s wife, Shannon McKenzie, claimed he’s never been better.

“I remember how excited Petey was when he graduated from the Academy — he really wanted to get out there and do some good, but he had no idea how hard that was going to be. And when he saw police getting vilified on social media, he took it personally and became really depressed. I tried to cheer him up by doing a lot of bootlicking myself, but eventually my jaw couldn’t handle it anymore,” said Mrs. McKenzie. “He refused to see a therapist, and we were skeptical of the idea of body modification as a form of treatment… but I’m glad we took the chance. I feel like I’ve finally got my Peter back.”

McKenzie plans to share his story with his buddies who are considering leaving the force amid worldwide protests against police violence. He also plans to suck his own dick.

Hello Fellow Japanimation Fans! I Have Some Content for You!

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Konnichiwa, minna-san! Netflix Producer-Chan here. I have some very sugoi news that I wanted to tell you about myself personally, because my excitement is well over 9000, desu!

You’re probably wondering to yourself, “Nani is this old ojisan saying? As a male otaku between 13 and 35, my desire for anime content has been under fulfilled by mainstream streaming services…surely Netflix has nothing of interest to offer me for the low price of eight dollars a month!” Well that’s where you’re wrong, baka, because effective immediately, I’m turning Netflix into Japanimation Station! Ikimashou!

I feel like I’ve used the power of the seven “Dragon Balls” to make my wish come true, because I’ve managed to secure for Netflix the rights to several mid-2000’s Asian cartoons, as well as greenlight a heaping helping of CGI remakes! No longer will your appetite for anime be restrained by the turtle’s crawl of an animation studio’s production cycle, for soon you will have more atarashii Japanese content than you could possibly dream of, all produced en masse with the efficiency of an assembly line. Suzushii! More anime!

Sure, we haven’t yet acquired the streaming rights to some of the most recent mainstream animes, but that’s just because I am a fan of old school shows, mochiron. Let the trenders watch whatever expensive show came out this year while you relive the magic of Fruits Basket, preserved in its original 4:3 aspect ratio!

All of these exciting developments around the office mean that my co-workers have started to call me a real “wee-boo”, but if loving anime makes you a wee-boo, then I’m guilty as charged!

Of course, I wouldn’t be a real anime fan if I didn’t comment on Subs vs. Dubs, and I’m ready to weigh in. Personally, I love subs — subscriptions to Netflix that is! Because it doesn’t matter which you prefer, Netflix is able to offer you anime dubbed in English, or it’s original Japanese with subtitles! Finally, both sides can agree that Netflix is the best way to watch!

And yes, we have been getting your requests for us to add Bible Black to our service, and I assure you I will do anything for my fellow anime fans! Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



Every Star Wars Easter Egg You Missed in My Apartment

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

Filled with action, drama and just the right peppering of comedy, last night’s party at my place was by far one of the most exciting all season. I know there was a lot to unravel amongst all my Star Wars decorations and collectables, but for those of you who weren’t paying careful attention, there were plenty of other hidden Star Wars references scattered all around my apartment that you might not have picked up on. Here are five crucial Star Wars easter eggs in my apartment you may not have noticed at first.

1 – The doorbell sound is the first two chords of the Imperial March

One of the first things you heard when you arrived at my apartment was the doorbell. But if you had a keen ear, you’d notice the ring was two G-minor chords. This is a small musical homage to the iconic opening notes of John Williams’ original Imperial March, Darth Vader’s theme song. My doorbell composer thought this would be a fitting inclusion in the entrance music for party guests, who are invading into my apartment. If you knocked, I did not answer the door.

2 – The trash can in my bathroom looks suspiciously like R2D2

If you looked carefully next to the bathroom sink after relieving yourself, you would have seen a large blue-and-white trash can with a domed lid. Could this be a nod to R2D2, the series’ most famous and sarcastic droid? It certainly seems like it! It could have been just a coincidence, but bathroom designers at my apartment have confirmed they intended the small waste bin to be, in fact, parts salvaged from R2D2 himself, when the droid was decommissioned after Episode IX. Nevermind all my other R2D2 stuff, this is now the official canon!

3 – If you listened closely, you could hear me mention “Gungans” in conversation

If you were within earshot of me last night, you may have picked up on this subtle hint to one of the saga’s most (in)famous characters. When I casually talked to people about “The Gungans”, I was actually making a reference to Jar Jar Binks’ species from his home planet of Naboo, first seen in The Phantom Menace. I made sure to bring up Gungans in every conversation I had with my guests, so you all could have the chance to recognize such an awesome callback.

4 – A special cameo by none other than Megan Marie

Around 10:00pm, a very special someone delivered a bunch of pizzas for my hungry guests. What they didn’t realize was they also delivered more Star Wars! The pizza delivery person was actually Megan Marie, a crew member who received a “special thanks” in the Star Wars: Rebels television credits. Pretty cool they decided to bring her back for a cameo in my own home!

5 – The appearance of the Dallenor Jedi Holocron

Tucked away in the display case behind the figurines and Force FX lightsabers, there was a blue glass dodecahedron on the third shelf from the top. Die hard fans will recognize this as the Dallenor holocron, an ancient Jedi archive storage unit. The holocron being in my living room raises plenty more questions about how I came to possess such a sacred relic. Maybe this will be revealed at my next party? I’ve said too much!

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:



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