Police Dog Doesn’t See Color

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

HOUSTON — A dog serving with the Houston Police Department issued a statement today responding to allegations of racism in his department, claiming that he personally doesn’t see color while pursuing suspects.

“Speaking on behalf of myself and my unit, skin color hardly enters the conversation,” explained Duke, a five-year-old German Shepherd who has worked with the Houston K9 unit since 2016. “The job I was trained to do requires swift action and quick decisions, so I don’t even have time to question the race of who I tackle, bite, and continue biting until instructed to stop. I don’t care if you’re black, white, grey, darker grey, a shade of grey even darker than that, or just a plastic bag that got caught on a telephone pole — just don’t commit crimes, and you won’t get taken down.”

While Duke acknowledged that nationally there are a few “bad apples” in law enforcement, he and his handler reiterate that most cops are “very good boys, yes they are.”

“I’ve known Duke for his whole life, and have never met a more alert cop. I should know — I trained him myself,” said Lt. Phil McCrone, Duke’s handler/trainer and a senior officer with 18 discrimination complaints against him. “His record speaks for itself. One time we were out for a walk, and he jumped up and bit an African-American man just walking by, right in the throat. Turns out the guy was a scumbag criminal who had two unpaid parking violations against him, and had used a small amount of marijuana earlier that week, which he claimed ‘helped’ with his ‘seizures.’ Duke is a credit to this force, and I’m damn proud to know him.”

Recent studies show that Black and Latino men are more than 50% more likely to be targeted and arrested. However, The Houston K9 unit is pushing back, saying they are the ones being victimized.

“We do a tough job, and the thanks we get is being demonized by the media,” remarked Rusty, a seven-year-old Rottweiler and decorated officer. “My colleagues and I keep this city safe! There’s a witch hunt going on in this country, and we don’t deserve to be treated like animals. Even me — literally an animal. Treat me like a man. A white man.”

At press time, Duke was eating his own shit and growling at a passing car playing loud rap music.

The Avengers Furlough Hawkeye

Posted on by Collin Preciado

ESOPUS, N.Y.  — The Avengers announced today that they will be making furloughs in order to assist with the gradual reopening of the Avengers Initiative, starting with Clint “Hawkeye” Barton.

“This was not an easy choice,” said Dr. Bruce Banner at a press conference within the Avengers Headquarters in upstate New York. “This disease has taken quite a toll on the economy at large and the Avengers are no exception. We needed to make budget cuts and this just made the most sense financially. Not to mention, you know. He just sorta shoots arrows.”

“We kept him around all through the Thanos stuff,” Banner continued. “He was like going around Asia killing people. Pretty nutso stuff. We feel that we did everything we could to protect his position.”

Hawkeye, one of the more senior members of the current iteration of the Avengers, held his own press conference via Zoom.

“It makes zero sense,” proclaimed the recently ousted archer. “First off, all I do is fight from far away. I don’t go near anyone. Ever. Pretty useful during these times, don’t you think? They’re all just mad at me because my music career is starting to take off.”

Hawkeye’s debut EP titled The Meta Sin released earlier this year to mostly negative reviews including a negative 5 star rating from Rolling Stone magazine. It smashed the record of lowest selling superhero novelty album in its first month after failing to sell more than Matter-Eater Lad’s notorious double LP from 1974 entitled Eating Ain’t Cheating.

Members of The Avengers categorically denied that the dismissal had anything to do with the tepidly received release.

“Absolutely not,” said James  Rhodes. “I don’t know if any one of you has seen what Barton fights interdimensional mutant demigods in, but there’s a number of things more embarrassing and unbearable about him than his aspirations to suddenly become a rock star. And the less we say about his app, the better.”

Despite the decision to furlough Hawkeye, records show the organization did hire Kate Bishop on the same day. Banner declined to comment.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

SNL Admits Allowing Coronavirus to Host Show in 2018 Was a Mistake

Posted on by Ted Pillow

NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly infectious novel coronavirus host “Saturday Night Live” in 2018, as it likely contributed to the virus’s current popularity.

“I first met the coronavirus at Paul Simon’s house. There were lots of viruses and other contagious diseases hanging around, and Mick Jagger,” Michaels explained while taking a break from a game of badminton with Steve Martin. “Coronavirus had such a likeability and natural charisma to it — I never would’ve guessed it’d cause so much suffering. At the time, it seemed like the kind of severe acute respiratory syndrome that could carry a cold open.”

Michaels’ admittance prompted cast members to speak out about the controversial episode.

“The coronavirus was the worst host ever. Keep in mind, I’ve worked with Justin Bieber, Lance Armstrong, and even once did a remote piece with dengue fever,” confided longtime cast member Kenan Thompson. “COVID kept missing cues and pitched all sorts of shitty sketch ideas — like ‘Camp Crystal Lungs,’ where people wheezed incessantly throughout the sketch. Usually a bad host fails because they don’t have comedic chops or don’t learn their lines. But this was the first time we had a host that didn’t have a recognizable face, an able body, or even a human soul. Well, other than the time Rudy Giuliani hosted.”

Indeed, critics suggest that by letting the coronavirus host, “Saturday Night Live” may have played a role in the current pandemic.

“Seeing a person, idea, or invisible-to-the-naked eye virus on TV normalizes it. Suddenly, average Americans are comfortable with coronavirus entering their homes, grocery stores, and lungs,” noted Laura Andrews, a media studies professor at New York University. “‘Saturday Night Live’ is particularly influential because it reaches so many viewers and is so entrenched in the culture — the popularity of ‘SNL’ is probably why this turned out so much worse than when ‘MADtv’ let H1N1 host.”

“Saturday Night Live” has since announced that their first episode back in studio 8H would be hosted by a nest of murder hornets, with the inevitable major earthquake that will devestate San Francisco slated as the musical guest.

Second Coming of Jesus Thwarted by Police

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — The second coming of Jesus was cut short this past Wednesday when LAPD Ofc. Thomas Andrews opened fire on the son of God in broad daylight.

“With such injustices happening daily, I believed it was undeniably the time to come down to human kind to try to bring peace to a weeping world,” said Jesus Christ. “Apparently, these God-worshiping cops were expecting the Mel Gibson white guy version of me, because things went sour the moment I tried to do a couple miracles to prove I was indeed the one true King of Kings.”

In an official statement issued by the LAPD, Police Chief Michel Moore defended the actions of the officers.

“We can all agree that this is obviously a horrible misstep and tragedy, but how was Ofc. Andrews supposed to know it was Jesus he was shooting at? This man wasn’t white, and Jesus is supposed to be white. To be completely candid, this is kind of on him — he could’ve very well chosen to come down as a nice, presentable white man. He kept talking about worker’s rights, and how the voice of the community is stronger than a fascist police department
 and he called me a facsist! I’m not a facsist! That’s not my Jesus!”

“Jesus is supposed to help me through my hardships. Jesus is supposed to love blue lives. Please beam me up, Daddy. I need to go to heaven,” he added.

Jesus’ father, God, was understandably upset.

“Really? Again? Every single time. Is this just how it goes with y’all?” a disappointed Almighty stated. “You seemed really into my son when you could twist his words to oppress and subdue, but, the moment you actually are confronted with him and his teachings, you get all shaky and trigger happy? It doesn’t take omnipotence to see that’s like, messed up man.”

“This was your chance, guys,” God added. “Like, time for heaven and all that business. On the plus side, this has made judgement a lot easier. Y’all are making it very clear who you are.”

For his actions, Ofc. Andrews was given two months paid leave and looks forward to a permanent residence in hell.

Opinion: If That’s How You Treat Customers I’ll Just Go Use the Restroom Somewhere Else

Posted on by Tom Peters

As a consumer, I know that I have more options than ever competing for my dollar. If you don’t meet my needs, it’s not hard to find someone down the street who will. Now, I can’t tell you how to run a business, but if this is how you treat customers, well, I’ll just have to use the restroom somewhere else.

Where do you even get off telling me that your bathroom is for, “customers only?” I’ll have you know that I planned on touching everything in here, asking LOTS of questions, and checking Amazon prices on my phone as I sidled out the door. But now I guess I’ll be taking my hypothetical business elsewhere. You blew it, buddy!

Did I walk through the door saying, “I’ve got to make a large deposit at the First Bank of Porcelain?” Sure. Have I used the bathroom here without spending money in the past? Yes, many times. But if you don’t want people using your restroom, you shouldn’t have opened up next to a Cicis Pizza. It’s just bad business, simple as that.

And by the way, your bathroom could really use a makeover. You need a decent selfie mirror so influencers like me can tag themselves in the hottest new public restroom in town. And coarse toilet paper is no way to build a relationship with customers — I need to be surprised and delighted in there!

Whatever, I don’t have the time to take you to business school; it’s almost peak grocery store sampling hours. You’ll be hearing from me via my one-star reviews across multiple online platforms, but rest assured, there are plenty of other establishments willing to receive a full load of my patronage with a smile and a, “thank you.” Good day.

Laid-Off Sound Guy Perpetually Fucking With Television Volume

Posted on by John Dixon

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Laid-off sound engineer Logan Green is constantly adjusting the volume levels of his television in order to keep busy while waiting for his workplace to reopen, frustrated sources report.

“You know, I’m just trying to get this dialed in so everything sounds perfect. The problem is the soundbar we use tends to be pretty bass-heavy, and the mids wash out on a lot of the shows we watch,” Green said as he mashed the volume buttons on the remote control. “Reality shows are the hardest — to do it right, I need the characters to stop yelling over each other so much so I can get their audio clean — but I’m doing the best with what I have.”

Green’s roommate India O’Riley is not impressed with his work so far.

“Yeah
 if it were just a thing he was doing on his own, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But before we watch anything, he makes me stand beside the TV and point up or down for him to adjust the volume while shouting, ‘Hey!’ to see if it’s loud enough,” said O’Riley while watching Hulu on her phone alone in her bedroom. “I swear, I’ve already blown my voice out like, three times doing this bullshit, and he always ends up getting mad at me and saying, ‘Fine, I guess this will just have to sound like shit.’”

Labor expert and adjunct professor Lars Sorenson claimed Green is one of many laid-off venue staff struggling to maintain their skills.

“It doesn’t stop with sound guys — a lot of bartenders who normally work at venues are deliberately ignoring their partners to gain their attention,” said Sorenson. “And I’ve seen laid-off door guys putting wristbands on their pets, scrutinizing their collar tags, and patting them down every time they come through the door.”

In an attempt to learn stage lighting as well, Green is allegedly now flickering lights on and off in time with theme songs of whatever show happens to be on when he’s done adjusting the volume.

Grimes and Elon Musk Reveal They Named Child to Give Him Infinite Money Cheat

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

HILLSBOROUGH, Calif. — Pop singer Grimes and Elon Musk recently announced that their son X Æ A-XII’s unusual name was chosen because it’s actually a cheat code that allows the child to have infinite money, sources confirmed earlier today.

“We all know that we’re living in a simulation, and that simulation obviously has cheat codes,” said Grimes in an Instagram post defending the unusual choice of name. “X Æ A-XII just so happens to be the code for unlocking infinite money. We wanted to make sure our son would have a good future, and this seemed like the best way to accomplish that.”

Musk further explained the decision in a series of tweets.

“I just want better for my son than I had,” Musk said. “I was born to wealthy parents so our family already has plenty of assets, but that could all go away in an instant if I decide to tweet any of the insane things in my drafts folder right now and tank the Tesla stock again. So giving X Æ A-XII infinity money seemed like an obvious move.”

At press time, Grimes and Musk confirmed that despite the benefits of their child’s name, X Æ A-XII is also the code to unlock infinite weird looks in public.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill

Posted on by David Sitrick

NEW DONK CITY — Beloved local hero Luigi was blinded in his left eye at a protest against police brutality yesterday, when he collided with a rubber Bullet Bill employed by the New Donk Police Department, witnesses confirm.

Protesters packed the streets in front of New Donk City Hall to demand the firing of Officer Wario, the now-infamous police officer tied to 15 civilian deaths and more than 50 excessive force complaints over a ten-year career with the NDPD.

“A capitalist police state is supremely un-funky, my dudes,” said peace activist Funky Kong in his address to the assembled crowd, which faced a line of NDPD officers in riot gear.

While the protests were initially peaceful, the tone shifted when a single banana peel was reportedly tossed from the crowd towards a group of NDPD officers guarding a historic statue of Donkey Kong clutching Mayor Pauline. A clip from a protester’s livestream contains audio of an unnamed person shouting “Waaaaaaaaaaaah” before officers swarmed the area, deploying red shells, fire flowers, hammers, lightning strikes, bombs, and dozens of other miscellaneous weapons in an attempt to disperse the crowd.

It was in the ensuing fracas that local icon Luigi was struck in the face by a rubber Bullet Bill. 

“He had locked arms with us on the front lines, which was cool because, like, nobody’s fuckin’ seen Mario out here, if ya get what I mean,” said one protester. “Meanwhile this, like, infamous coward is out here on the front lines standing up against injustice. Then all of the sudden he was just down, and we’re all trying to check on him. Then a squad of Hammer Bros charges in, and before I know it we’re all face down getting screamed at.”

When asked for comment on what occurred, Luigi had few words to offer. 

“Mamma mia. Luigi lose,” he said through tears, before opening his remaining eye with firm resolution. “But the people? The people win. The people number one! Wow. Mayor Pauline needs to a-stop singing empty platitudes and a-fucking resign.”
Mario has not yet responded to inquiries about the safety of his brother, but did share a vaguely worded message on social media this afternoon. 

“The life and safety of every citizen is sacred,” said the message in part. “Thank you to both the protesters and our hardworking officers of the law for each doing their part to protect this great democratic experiment. I know we will come out of this stronger, even if the growth is painful. And it’s in that spirit that the Nintendo Online Store will be offering a 10% discount on Nintendo Switch Online for the rest of this weekend. Because nothing brings people together like Nintendo.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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Dad Interrupting Legendary Show Just Has to Grab Shop-Vac Out of Basement Real Quick

Posted on by James Knapp

WEST LAWN, Penn. — A generation-defining show at local basement venue The Bottleneck was briefly interrupted last night when venue/home owner Doug Stinson had to retrieve his shop-vac from its storage space, mildly inconvenienced sources confirmed.

“That was probably the best show I’ve ever been to. Seriously, as soon as Submarine Loggins played the first chord of ‘Dick Inspection,’ I was floored,” said noticeably inebriated show attendee Kurt Foster. “But then, right in the middle of their set, some old guy in a Jimmy Buffett-looking polo stopped everything and took some weird trash can out from behind the drum kit. It really threw off the whole vibe. It was still a great show, but that part seemed unnecessary
 and like it probably could have waited.”

Mr. Stinson explained his decision to temporarily stall the sure-to-be-historic show to retrieve the appliance.

“Whenever the kids put on their music concerts, I try to stay out of it. I’m hip. I know nobody wants their dad being a ‘poser’ or whatever,” said Stinson. “But I was cleaning up in the garage after breaking in this new belt sander that I got when I realized I left my trusty shop-vac downstairs. I guess I could’ve used the push broom to sweep all of the sawdust outside, but, you know what they say: do you want it done fast, or do you want it done right?”

Davy “First Mate” Klein, guitarist of Submarine Loggins, did not seem phased by the elder Stinson’s decision to retrieve his appliance mid-show.

“This is not at all the strangest dad-interruption we’ve had on tour,” Klein recalled. “Earlier this year, a dad broke in on a garage show we played to check if he put the rake back. And just last week, another one stopped us mid-song and asked us if we’d help him move a dresser upstairs
 which of course, we did. You always have to remember who’s floor you’re crashing on later.”

At press time, Stinson had once again descended into the basement to ask if any of the show attendees knew how to reset the WiFi password.

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