FRESNO, Calif. — Local middle-aged skateboarder Eddy Tirado impulsively flipped off the security guard standing by the front door of the Chase bank he was entering earlier today to cash his paycheck, leaked security footage confirmed.
“I honestly don’t know what happened. I just sort of blacked out for a second,” admitted Tirado. “I opened the door, and there was this old man there in a security outfit… and then without realizing it, I have my finger in his face and I’m muttering the words, ‘Skateboarding is not a crime, fuckbag.’ I didn’t even have my skateboard with me — there was nothing to skate in the bank. It was like an animal instinct took over.”
“I tried to say I’m sorry, but the words came out as, ‘Go kill yourself, you rent-a-cop bastard,’” added Tirado.
Safe-Tek security guard Edgar Tresten admitted he is used to such interactions and is no longer bothered by them.
“When I first started this job, I’ll admit, it did get to me a bit — every time there was someone in a ‘Thrasher’ shirt, they’d stare me down like they wanted to fight and my blood would start to boil,” said Tresten. “Now I just laugh it off: I can’t let an adult who uses a skateboard as their primary source of transportation ruin my day; that would be ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as being a full grown man who hangs out at skateparks and still thinks Vans slip-ons are good enough to wear to a wedding.”
Psychologists warn that the biases held by most adult skateboarders can lead to a variety of unhealthy interactions.
“I had one patient who was nearly 50 who would still refer to someone rollerblading as a ‘fruit booter.’ I informed them that the slur has homophobic and reflected poorly on their character, but often times, that doesn’t change this ingrained behavior that likely started around 1994,” said Dr. Laurie Donovan. “In addition to security guards, another common trigger for most adult skateboarders is BMX riders using pegs on pool coping. But at least I can understand that — the pegs really fuck it up.”
After completing his transaction, Tirado reportedly spent the following 30 minutes in the parking lot eyeballing a manual pad and waxed curb.