The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Defunded Police Department Forced to Sell Off Nuclear Submarine

Posted on June 16, 2020 by James Knapp

KALISPELL, Mont. — The Kalispell Police Department was directed by city officials yesterday to sell its Seawolf-class nuclear attack submarine amidst nationwide protests to defund law enforcement, sorrowful sources confirmed.

“You really know the world is in a sad state when a bunch of antifa thugs and PC fascists can strong-arm hard-working, red-blooded citizens like myself out of our constitutional right to nuclear-powered police tactics,” said Kalispell Police Chief Doug Overman while tearfully folding an American flag. “My officers put their lives on the line every day, and this is the thanks they get? Without our beloved submarine ‘Ol’ Blasty,’ all we’ve got to keep this town safe are our six tanks, three Apache helicopters, a fleet of exploding jet skis, and that Bengal tiger we bought from the Nepalese government. I tell you, things in this town are gonna go straight to hell.”

City councilperson Michael Williamson explained the city’s decision to sell the department’s submarine.

“Look, I’m completely in favor of responsible policing, but with everything that’s been going on around the country, we really need to cover our asses,” said Williamson. “We only approved the submarine in the first place to show up those jerks in Missoula after they bought their police a giant steampunk tarantula, so selling the damn thing off just makes sense.”

Local activist Rebecca Ransel expressed support for the defunding of the Kalispell PD.

“The city never should have bought this stupid thing in the first place. We’re over 500 miles from the nearest ocean — no one is launching naval attacks against us!” Ransel stated. “I tried to bring this up at a city budget meeting like, three years ago, and they just ignored me, saying, ‘But what if the communists invade?’ It’s not like the cops even use the submarine anyway — all day it just sits in Flathead Lake, like a big fucking middle finger to my tax dollars.”

At press time, “Ol’ Blasty” was being scrapped for parts while Kalispell police performed a 21-gun salute in honor of their fallen comrade.

‘Abrams Cut’ of The Last Jedi Spends Extra 30 Minutes Revealing Who Every Porgs’ Dad Is

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

LOS ANGELES — Disney surprise announced a “JJ Abrams Cut” of Star Wars: The Last Jedi this morning which they say will add more depth to the original film by revealing the lineage of each individual porg.

Abrams created the extended five-hour edit after clamoring fans demanded to see what his complete vision of the trilogy would have looked like if Rian Johnson hadn’t directed Episode VIII. In addition to some alternate and extended takes of scenes and updated special effects sequences, the director also took the opportunity to insert 30 extra minutes of porg backstory into the film, which reveals each individual porg’s parents through a series of increasingly implausible twists.

“I love what Rian did with The Last Jedi, don’t get me wrong,” Abrams explained in a Reddit AMA about the cut. “I just felt like there was room to flesh out the characters more. I mean, we didn’t find out who any porg’s dad was. I asked myself, what if one of these porgs was Jabba the Hutt’s daughter? That would be so dramatic!”

Instead of shooting new footage, Abrams was able to update key moments of the film with special effects. In the new cut, the practical porg puppets have been replaced with CGI. The infamous “lightsaber toss” moment has also been digitally altered to show Rey throwing Luke’s lightsaber first.

Fans across the internet who had previously disowned The Last Jedi were elated by the news of the Abrams Cut’s release, which they say solves every single problem they had with the original film by making it twice as long.

“This is exactly what I have been asking for since The Last Jedi came out,” tweeted longtime Star Wars fan Larry Anderson. “Rian Johnson absolutely ruined Episode VIII with stupid bullshit. But JJ respects the canon enough to work every character I already like into the story without challenging the way I think about them. To me, that’s what Star Wars is all about.”

While the edit adds plenty of new footage, it also cuts out some moments too. Most notably, Rose Tico is missing from the film entirely. When asked why he decided to nix her scenes, a puzzled Abrams asked, “Who’s that?”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Progress: We Finally Have a Female Orson Scott Card

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Patrick Susmilch

EDINBURGH — Young adult fiction fans are rejoicing as the literature world finally has a female equivalent to Orson Scott Card now that J.K. Rowling’s recent series of anti-trans tweets and a 3,600 word essay have given them an opportunity to be disappointed by a female author’s hatred.

“I’m used to seeing tears on a reader’s face when I explain that the author of Ender’s Game believes that homosexuality is caused by child abuse,” said librarian Jennifer Kinsley, “but it’s a huge step forward to have to explain to young fans that their favorite female author believes that only women menstruate and that trans women are secretly trying to molest them in gender-neutral bathrooms.”

The academic world is also excited by Rowling dethroning Card as the highest profile author to make known their polarizing views.

“What’s amazing is that not only has J.K. Rowling positioned herself as the female Orson Scott Card,” said comparative literature professor Nicole Mathews, “but she has also done so in a fraction of the time. It took Card decades to fully explain his deeply upsetting hatred and many more years to face backlash. Rowling is managing to accomplish this in a matter of weeks. That’s powerful. That’s progress.”

“And just like Orson Scott Card, Rowling included a ton of pro-trans symbolism in her books without realizing it,” Mathews added. “What was once Ender’s soapy naked bathroom fight with another boy is now the magical Sorting Hat that places you into a category when you are born into the school, forcing you to figure out your own place for yourself.

As of press time, Rowling announced that she was working on a book that is exactly the same as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, but from Ron’s perspective.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

GOP Threatens to Release Damning Joe Biden “Room Raiders” Episode

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Ryan Harnedy

WASHINGTON — Republican Party sources claimed today that they are in possession of a potentially damning episode of “Room Raiders” featuring Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden, slightly queasy viewers of the alleged tape confirmed.

“The American people have every right to see what was inside Joe Biden’s spring break ‘bro down palace’ from summer ’08,” said Trevor Meeks of the conservative group “Spring Breakers for Freedom” and former showrunner for MTV’s unsuccessful “Room Raiders: Old Guys at Rehoboth Beach” edition. “Does America really want a president like Biden, who keeps an ungodly stash of stag films under his bed? And the less said about ‘Uncle Joe’ raiding the female contestant’s panty drawer, the better.”

However, the Biden campaign maintains that the episode was heavily edited and presented an unfair depiction.

“MTV told the story they wanted to tell, not the truth,” said Elena Thorn, media director for Biden’s campaign. “They painted Joe as a guy who allegedly had a good body because there were weights in his room and threw it away because he was too much of a party boy, complete with beer cans all over his floor. Furthermore, this is classic Republican whataboutism — it’s well known that Donald Trump was a contestant on the TV show ‘Next’ in 2002.”

Indeed, former “Next” contestant Willow Forsythe of Mesa, Ariz. distinctly remembers President Trump stepping off the bus.

“I thought it was super weird that all the other contestants were in their early 20s except for this one creepy old man with a bad combover and spray tan,” said the now 38-year-old Forsythe of her encounter with Trump. “Before he even said ‘hello,’ he told me how much I looked like his daughter and tried to kiss me and clawed at my crotch. Obviously, I shouted ‘next’ right away… at which point he started ranting about how I was ‘low IQ’ and a ‘nasty pig.’”

With the news of the blackmail tape, Biden’s campaign team is working hard to ensure that his previous appearances on the reality shows “Singled Out,” “Cheaters,” and “To Catch a Predator” never see the light of day.

Woman Figures Reading Descriptions of Self-Help Books Good Enough

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Erin McLaughlin

WICHITA, Kan. — Local hopeful woman Alex Ginelli spent her free time yesterday attempting to better herself by reading descriptions of $2 self-help books on Amazon, annoyed sources confirm.

“I decided I wanted to fix my abandonment issues so people will stop leaving me,” said Ginelli. “So I took a few minutes to look into the lowest price self-help books I could download on Kindle. But then I noticed all of the book’s descriptions said it’s possible to overcome childhood trauma, which gave me enough hope that I can probably change someday. And skimming the descriptions of 10 self-help books is probably equivalent to reading one whole book, right?”

However, close friend Jennifer Varga admitted she is fed up with comforting Ginelli for hours each day because of her inability to heal her deep rooted issues.

“She always complains that she’s ‘going through something right now,’ and then the next day tells me about how she learned to love herself through reading descriptions of Chakra healing books while she was White Claw wasted,” said Varga. “I just wish she’d suck up the $50 copay to see a therapist instead of living through the book’s rave reviews clearly written by the writer on fake accounts. She doesn’t even cheat with the Q & A’s on Goodreads.”

Self-published author and alleged spiritual healer Sam Goodman appreciates Ginelli’s intention to help herself.

“I admire anyone who peruses the synopses of Kindle books to improve themselves, especially when they pretend that it changed their lives and then their friends buy it,” she said. “I’m thankful that key phrases like ‘START LIVING’ and ‘LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF’ in the description of my book, ‘Find Clarity and Tranquility in a Toxic World,’ have momentarily helped people too lazy to read 250 pages of bullshit.”

At press time, anti-anxiety supplements have now sat in Ginelli’s Amazon cart for almost three weeks, though she’s assured all of her friends she’s had several mental health breakthroughs after reading and reposting dozens of inspirational memes on Instagram.

Why Should I Pay to See a Therapist When I Can Just Start a Podcast About My Childhood Trauma?

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

Look at all you suckers, shelling out over a hundred dollars for forty-five minutes with some “expert” to help deal with your issues. Not me, baby! I found a way to actually make money with my problems. Did a therapist come up with the idea to discuss my father’s alcoholism while thousands of strangers listen on their commutes? Nope. They recommended a combined approach of graded exposure and dialectical behavioral therapy but I didn’t stick around to learn what that meant. Let’s get PODding, my dude!

Podcast listeners want to hear reality and that is exactly what I give them. Why should I pay one person to hear my darkest secrets when advertisers will pay me to tell those secrets to the world? Say what you will about capitalism, but it’s not a bad psychologist.

There is nothing more mentally revitalizing than airing my family’s dirty laundry in between ads for stamps and erectile dysfunction medication. I leave my recording studio/walk-in-closet after every episode feeling completely rejuvenated knowing that I let everyone know my grandparents are swingers. Sorry, they were swingers. They’re not dead or anything, they’re just super old and gross now.

Sure, my mother calls me in tears after every episode but harming others is a small price to pay for self-healing. I’m really not telling my listeners anything all that salacious. That’s behind the Patreon paywall. I would never discuss how my foot fetish ruined my marriage for less than 5 dollars a month.

You can keep your CBT, EDMR, DBT, and MBT. The only three-letter word I need is POD.

Nation’s Thugs and Animals Demand to Stop Being Compared to Police Officers

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Violent criminals and feral animals from across the country gathered in New York yesterday to protest America’s unfair comparison of their ilk to law enforcement officials.

“This malignment of our demographic is unjust, unfounded, and unmitigated,” said Eddie “Blood Shank” Rivers, a well-respected and feared member of the thug community while addressing the press. “The violent acts we commit against people are purely for survival. If your neck ever winds up under my knee, it’s only because I need your money so I can buy enough drugs to keep me from getting fucking sick. It’s not personal, and it certainly has nothing to do with race… it’s just that the whole system is built to push me towards violent crime.”

Rivers allowed the ensuing cheers to die down before adding, “Now give me your fucking money!”

Despite historically being disorganized and separate groups, the thugs and animals in attendance demonstrated clear focus and solidarity.

“What the hell do I care about race? I’m not even part of the same species as you fuckers!” said Brown Claw, a visibly agitated bear from the woods of Upstate New York. “I kill people when they wander into my woods — not when they’re walking down the goddamned street! And I only kill them if they get too close to my offspring, not to express my prejudice and rage or feel powerful. And when a bear does kill a human, it’s not like we have a whole cartel of bears set up to protect that bear from legal ramifications — we don’t have that bear turn in his bear badge and his claws for a few weeks while we send them off on paid leave, just to send them to another forest to kill more people!”

Brown Claw added, “Now give me your fucking honey!”

Although technically both groups want the same thing, NYPD officials were infuriated by both animal and thug protester alike, claiming the demonstration only furthers vilification of police officers.

“Some of these protesters are literally sub-human! They should be honored to be compared to us, not ashamed,” said NYPD Union President Mike O’Meara. “I would love to personally kiss every cop I’ve ever met right on the lips. Because those lips are soft, tender, and some of the bravest lips on the planet.”

O’Meara waited for the booing to subside before adding, “Now give me your fucking taxes!”

We Apologize For Publishing Darkseid’s Anti-Life Equation

Posted on June 14, 2020 by Dennard Dayle

We hear you.

This is a fragile point in history, where every voice matters. Particularly when those voices are screaming in pain from the anti-life equation. Publishing Darkseid’s literal attack on our right to exist was an unconscionable mistake, and the surviving editors of Hard Drive will strive to do better in the future.

Mr. Uxas’ guest column, laconically titled “Kneel,” consisted entirely of the anti-life equation. Said equation met with strong criticism from the public at large, our staff, and multiple members of the Justice League. Several Hard Drive writers resigned on Twitter, posting videos shouting “Die for Darkseid,” shortly before dying for Darkseid. Others grabbed the nearest edged object, and made several others die for Darkseid before turning on each other.

Naturally, the staff and ownership of Hard Drive don’t encourage anyone to die for Darkseid; we encourage conversation. As the current and eternal ruler of the dread planet-fortress Apokalips, Darkseid is a public figure of note. While we pointedly disagree with cosmic genocide, we considered his perspective on the fabrege egg we call life newsworthy. Now it’s clear that no conversation can take place after cutting out your own tongue.

We’ve removed Darkseid’s editorial, at great human cost. Our Opinion editor caught a glimpse of the equation as he deleted the page, snuffing the flame of his mortal soul and replacing it with loyalty to Darkseid. We’ve encouraged him to resign, and hope he’ll take the steps necessary for our institution and nation to heal. As things stand, he’s barricaded himself in his office to await his master’s return.

Since the column’s removal, Apokolips loyalists have characterized Hard Drive as a pro-survival echo chamber. The Lord of Apokolips himself described us as “Worms to be dealt with in time.” Debate is a core Hard Drive value. We’re not just a Justice Society sounding board. We’ve proudly run editorials by LexCorp representatives, kryptonite-powered androids, and both halves of Two-Face. But some things are sacred. Namely, maintaining enough free will to make editorial choices.

This isn’t our only recent controversy. We faced similar backlash to a column by noted environmental activist and supervillain Pamela “Poison Ivy” Isley. The column “Kill All People and Replace them with Plants” was taken as tacit support for killing all people and replacing them with plants. Nothing could be further from the truth. We support the continued survival of all people, preferably alongside plants. The same goes for Parademons, the winged enforcers of Darkseid’s will currently besieging the Earth.

We’re dedicating our remaining sanity to overhauling Hard Drive’s editorial review process. If a piece incites bigotry, state violence, or falling to our knees as blood pours freely from our mouths, we simply will not print it. We owe that to our readers and ourselves.

Furthermore, we politely request that Superman stop punching us.

Despised Animal Crossing Villager Can’t Afford to Move Away

Posted on June 14, 2020 by Liam O'Malley

DESERTED ISLAND — Local Animal Crossing villager Ursala has been forced to continue receiving daily harassment on the deserted island she inhabits due to her poor financial situation preventing her from moving away.

“I just got here a few weeks ago and I’m still three years away from paying off the 159,000 bell loan I took out to move,” said Ursala, climbing over large stacks of fish tanks that had been placed around her home the previous night to trap her inside. “I don’t like constantly getting hit on the head with a bug net, but at this point, it’s my only financially sound option.”

Ursala mentioned that the harassment started 2 weeks after moving to the still-growing deserted island when the island’s Resident Representative began to take their frustrations out on her.

“Darryl invited me to come here, and he made it sound really nice, so I don’t understand why he started complaining about my behavior and appearance to Isabelle every day,” Ursala said, “One time he dug holes around me while I was trying to walk to Nook’s Cranny to sell turnips. The last of my savings have literally gone rotten, groomph.”

Despite the harassment only coming from one villager, the islands’ other denizens have remained notably silent about the issue.

“I feel bad for Ursala, but I don’t wanna get on Darryl’s bad side either, snuffle,” said Agnes, another villager who had distracted herself from the turn of events by working on DIY projects inside her home. “I’m just gonna stick to talking about how much I love napping whenever she tries to strike up a conversation with me. She really seems to respond to that.”

Desperate to escape, Ursala was forced to ask for loan forgiveness from Tom Nook, the entrepreneur behind the Nook Getaway package utilized by all newcomers. Ultimately, her request was denied.

“Yes. Yes. It’s a shame that some of our villagers are being harassed like that,” Nook said “But I don’t think it’s my responsibility to provide charity for villagers who suck at making small talk with Darryl, hm?”

At press time, Ursala was reportedly sitting idly by the side of the river, staring at a fish swimming by and imagining how nice it would be to switch places with it.

Revised‌ ‌Food‌ ‌Pyramid‌ ‌to‌ ‌Include‌ ‌Feelings‌

Posted on June 14, 2020 by Tyler Dark

Members of the World Health Organization announced last Friday that the iconic Food Pyramid will be revised to include ‘feelings’ as a basic food group. This determination was reached after a panel of nutritionists with the USDA presented data illustrating an increase in the consumption of emotions worldwide.

“An honest summary of the human diet is incomplete without accounting for those portions of the day dedicated to the consumption of boredom, self-pity, and hopelessness,” panelist Stewart Janis said with his mouth full, staring longingly at a photograph of his ex-wife. “This new category will better represent those of us with emotional needs as well as nutritional.”

Unlike the other food groups, items in the ‘feelings’ category will vary depending on an individual’s likes, dislikes, and habits. Foods consumed minutes before bed, or during a marathon of This Is Us, are examples of what might count as a serving of feelings.

“I see this as a major step forward in the field of nutritional science,” claimed Glenda Barnsworth, Professor of Dietary Science at the University of Nebraska. “Eating an entire pizza at noon used to be this many servings of bread, that many servings of cheese, but now it’s just a half-serving of feelings! The food groups just became a lot more fun for people who are wallowing in their own mental filth.”

Restaurants have been updating their menu items to reflect the recent change, Bloomin’ Brands, Inc., parent company of Outback Steakhouse, was among the first to do so.

“We’re all getting used to the adjustment,” said Eugene Waller, kitchen manager at an Outback Steakhouse location in St. Louis. “The Bloomin’ Onion isn’t selling any less now that it’s called Fried Feelings with Sad Sauce, and Cheesy Regret Tubes still taste like Kid’s Mac, so I don’t see it hurting our business.”

Now that ‘feelings’ is recognized as an official food group, health experts recommend limiting consumption to five servings a day, unless it was a really, really bad day.

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