Billy Joel Reveals “Piano Man” Started out as Pitch for Mega Man Villain

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

OYSTER BAY, N.Y. — Legendary singer/songwriter Billy Joel’s classic song “Piano Man” was originally crafted to be a pitch for a “Mega Man 2” character, according to recently unsealed letters and demo tapes addressed to Capcom.

“The song was never meant to be autobiographical — in fact, it was never meant to be a song at all. The whole premise was about a henchman with a piano for hands, who shoots keys at Mega Man,” Joel stated while mindlessly endorsing another 6-figure royalty check for the song. “His whole level was gonna have ragtime music; his obstacles were going to be music notes, pedals, and at some point, the lid of the piano falling on you; and his weakness was Metal Man, because pianos are made of wood. But then those assholes just made Wood Man instead, and it fucked everything up. I can’t complain, though — things clearly worked out for me in the end.”

The Mega Man fan community had mixed reactions to the discovery of Piano Man’s origins.

“Some people think it’s ridiculous, some love it. For me, I kinda wish he made Angry Young Man instead,” commented Mega Man 2 speedrunner Adam Lefler. “But I love the idea of Billy Joel working on video games. Michael Jackson worked on Sonic, why shouldn’t Billy do Nintendo? He could do a whole game! It’ll take place in Miami 20XX, where Dr. Wiley ‘started the fire’ and Roll’s ‘got a way’ — yeah, we definitely need a 2-D side scroller in the Billy Joel universe. I’ll start a petition for it!”

Though Mega Man creators nixed the idea, Nintendo made sure to find creative ways to include Joel in their universe.

“Piano Man didn’t quite fit the theme of that game, but Kitamura sent it my way, and we overhauled the design to include him years later in Mario 64 during the Big Boo’s Haunt stage,” added Nintendo producer Shigeru Miyamoto. “Piano Man makes another cameo in ‘Luigi’s Mansion 3,’ and I also had Ganondorf play the organ as a little tribute to Billy. We like to have fun at Nintendo.”

Not to be outdone, Bruce Springsteen revealed he too was almost involved with Nintendo, having created the villain for a final Mega Man battle simply named, “The Boss.”

Zack Snyder Launches OnlyHaters Account

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Polarizing filmmaker Zack Snyder has announced a new account on the OnlyHaters service, which allows devoted detractors of his to subscribe for a small monthly fee and get exclusive access to uploaded content including condescending opinions and ill-conceived ideas.

“For too long I’ve been letting my army of haters get access to my most infuriating material for absolutely free,” said Snyder, who is currently prepping next year’s long awaited Justice League director’s cut. “If my shit pisses you off, you’re going to want to follow me on OnlyHaters from here on out. I just uploaded an essay on why my films are more mature than Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy. If you want to read it, it’s going to cost you.”

Other announced content for the platform includes a miniseries exploring why everyone who didn’t like Sucker Punch just didn’t get it and an all slow-motion cut of 2004’s Dawn of the Dead remake, as well as daily photographs of the lavish lifestyle his lackluster films have afforded him thanks to his famously devoted fanbase. 

“Have you met those Snyder Cut people? They are so insufferable. Like, get over it already, you know?” said Nick Clarke, one of many subscribers that contributed to Snyder’s account breaking day one subscription numbers for the young website. “But to answer your question, yes, I would pay ten dollars a month for exclusive access to journal entries and blogs from Zack Snyder so that I may get angry and scream into an empty coffee mug for a few minutes before I head to work for the day.” 

Snyder has also drawn criticism for allegedly infiltrating a platform designed to assist aspiring and independent artists. 

“Dude, no one illicits more raw emotions than Zack Snyder, and now I have to compete with this millionaire asshole for subs?” said Kara Gallagher, a successful Twitch streamer who has been making more money on OnlyHaters lately, where people pay money for the ability to send her disrespectful messages.  “What about those of us small time performers who only have a modestly size fan base weirdly devoted to getting bent out of shape about us? This guy just ruins everything, huh?” 

As of press time, Snyder has announced a premium tier to his OnlyHaters account, where for a few extra bucks he’ll let you write a few pages of his next movie.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Shitty Mobile Game Ad More Fun Than Shitty Mobile Game It Interrupted

Posted on by Chandler Dean

WARRENTON, Mo. — In a revelation that made him question his instincts, local gamer Kevin Lanigan recently realized that the shitty mobile game ad he briefly demoed for 15 seconds was significantly more fun than the shitty mobile game it interrupted.

Lanigan, who was having a perfectly adequate time playing Jump Ball 3D Plus, became dismayed after discovering the comparatively thrilling yet still rudimentary gameplay of Can You Snipe the Mafia Don?

“Here I was, thinking that bouncing a low-resolution ball was enough to keep me entertained while procrastinating at work,” said Lanigan. “Next thing I know, I’m dragging a low-resolution rifle scope to aim at a crudely-animated mob boss — and all of a sudden, I don’t want the 15-second ‘Skip Ad’ countdown clock to run out of time!”

Despite his enthusiasm for the marginally more engaging nature of the game preview, Lanigan went on to express that in a way, it made him feel trapped.

“Of course I would rather spend my idle time playing a better game than this mind-numbing low-budget puzzle crap,” Lanigan conceded. “But on the other hand, something about being served an ad and then, like, clicking on it and downloading the advertised product? It feels profoundly wrong.”

Jennie Cline, a developer at Pigeon Excelsior Studios (which produced both Jump Ball 3D Plus and Can You Snipe the Mafia Don?), defended her company’s strategy of teasing slightly better experiences within mediocre experiences.

“This is how you retain players,” Cline explained. “You get them hooked with Jump Ball 3D Plus. Then you string them along with Can You Snipe the Mafia Don?. After that, they move on to Dr. Ninja Monkey’s Adventure Royale. Just when they get bored of that, it’s on to Trash Chomp Roulette. Before they know it, they’re addicted to Flim Flam Racing. Sure, they’ll tinker with Dot Smash Turbo for a while, but not without getting curious about Bubble Warehouse: Revenge of Fishboy. And that’s when we hit ‘em with Grapefruit Lodge: Continental Breakfast is Served!. Really, it’s all just a ruse to get them to try Happy Motocross Evolution. Once they’ve started that, there’s no stopping them from downloading our flagship product, Sneaky Cookie Universe.”

At press time, Cline’s statement was interrupted by a slightly more entertaining employee wondering if we’d like to go finish this conversation in a helicopter.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Rest of Day Spent Trying to Determine if Compliment Was Backhanded

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Local man Graham Holt has spent his entire day today trying to determine if a compliment he received this morning was backhanded.

“There I was, just minding my business and making coffee, when my coworker Staci says to me, ‘That’s a really nice shirt you’re wearing today.’ Which initially made me feel good, because I just got this shirt,” the bumbling neurotic rambled. “But after I got back to my desk, I started to wonder if it was really genuine: she has a dry tone of voice anyway, but maybe there was a note of sarcasm, too. Plus, why did she have to add ‘today’ to it? Do I not normally dress nice?”

For her part, co-worker Staci Taylor was annoyed by Holt’s reaction.

“Goddamn, that guy is insecure. I was just trying to be nice to him, and it was legitimately a nice shirt. What is wrong with him?” a frustrated Taylor said. “He seemed a little down in the dumps, so I figured maybe this would cheer him up a bit… but Jesus Christ, it’s not as if I don’t like him, or am trying to get into his head or anything. If I wanted to do that, I’d point out how weird his face looks ever since he shaved his beard off.”

Experts note that insecure persons with low self-esteem often have difficulty accepting compliments, either feeling they don’t deserve the compliment or that there is something sinister to its intent.

“For neurotic freaks like Holt, any statement not specifically tailored a certain way will be overanalyzed, misconstrued, and agonized for days at a time,” stated Johns Hopkins psychologist Debra Lane. “People will often pore over details like the timing of an email reply, who called who first, and punctuation in emails and texts. ‘Devil in the detail’ types can be truly annoying to deal with, but for the especially anxiety prone like Mr. Holt, it’s not even worth the effort to try to be nice to them.”

At press time, Holt was seen tossing out his entire wardrobe.

Shazamed Death Metal Song Lists 7,203 Possible Matches

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local metal fan Tracy O’Brien attempted to use the popular music identification app Shazam today to identify a death metal song while in a record store, receiving a list of over 7,000 potential matching songs.

“I always thought that Shazam would be able to identify anything I threw at it, but when it came to this song, it just seemed to phone it in,” O’Brien said. “I tried to do it really discreetly because I didn’t want anyone to see that I didn’t know what song was playing over the PA — God forbid a girl ask the clerk what song is playing; I’ll be insulted and pandered to for 45 minutes. So I hid behind a rack of used DVDs and took out my phone. Turns out, even the program wasn’t sure what song, or even what band, it was. It was anywhere from Skeletonwitch to Pig Destroyer. That’s not even the same ballpark.”

Felix Salazar, Chief Technology Officer for Shazam, admitted that the app isn’t perfect.

“Look, our algorithm can identify a Mexican folk ballad played through a broken speaker in the middle of a busy supermarket, but even we have limitations,” Salazar said. “But if you want it to identify the differences between death metal songs… I mean, come on. Technology hasn’t advanced that far yet. We’ll have a man on Mars before our app will be able to tell the difference between Dying Fetus and Aborted.”

The death metal community however, have taken this failure as an insult to their music.

“Mortification sounds nothing like Devourment: one is deathtrash, and the other is slam death metal,” explained Derek Mathis, death metal expert and frontman for both Death Doom and Severed Finger. “There are subtle differences in the distortion, mid-range gutturals, and blast beats one would recognize if only they took the time. It’s no surprise a computer can’t identify them — you need a keen ear and high intellect. You don’t like it, go listen to Metallica.”

Shazam has since announced they are working on AI software based on Mikael Åkerfeldt’s brain to help with death metal song identification.

Punk Magician Wants to Know If Anyone Has Some Doves He Could Borrow

Posted on by Rob Walker

TAMPA, Fla. — Punk magician “Dope” Derek Dombrowski asked moments ago if anyone else performing at a birthday party might have some doves he could borrow for his set after “forgetting” his own at home.

“I got hired to do this kid’s birthday party three weeks ago, but all my doves caught V.D. or some shit because that birdcage they sleep in is just a giant fuck fest,” said Dombrowski, making a half-smoked cigarette appear out of thin air before placing it in his mouth. “Without doves, I don’t have anything surprising in my jacket sleeves, other than a little bit of H. But I don’t know if those kids are going to be impressed by that… even though this shit is super pure. My guy doesn’t cut his junk with rat poison or anything like that.”

Tampa resident and mother Amy Willis hired the punk magician for her 8-year old son Asa’s birthday party.

“I wish I could say ‘Dope’ Derek came highly recommended, but the truth is, every other magician and clown just isn’t working because they don’t think it’s safe to be around kids during a pandemic,” said Willis, while mixing cake batter for her son’s upcoming celebration. “He’s the only entertainer I could find with as much disdain for the government as me. Yeah, it was a little weird that I had to track him down at a plasma donation facility in a strip mall, but Asa loves magic. I just don’t want him to be disappointed.”

Intimately familiar with Dombrowski’s work, fellow magician David Presto has lent “Dope” Derek magic supplies before.

“Fuck, no — I’m not lending Derek shit,” Presto said from backstage at his weekly performance at the Morpheus Theatre. “I lent him my rabbit Mr. Figits once for a teleporting cabinet bit, and the idiot left him in a hot Geo Metro for four days. When I finally got the rabbit back, it might as well have been a tub of gumbo.”

At press time, Dombrowski was still at the birthday party, shitting out a never-ending chain of colored ribbons that may or may not be part of his magic routine.

Think Being a Cop Is Easy? I’d Like To See You Get Called an “Asshole” and Not Commit Second-Degree Murder Afterwards

Posted on by John Danek

All you pink-haired, piercing-filled, vegan terrorist thugs think being a police officer is just sooooooo easy. You assume it’s all donuts and service medals for when we have to discharge guns at kids with autism in city parks. Time to let you in on the hardest aspect of our job you never consider: People call us names. Really hurtful names.

One time I was handcuffing a black suspect for calling the cops on a peaceful white visitor in his home when he said that I was a “bitch.” Firstly, it’s 2020 and we’re beyond gendered epithets like “b*tch.” But how can I expect you pussy civilians to understand what it’s like to be on the receiving end of such an insult? No one comes down to your shitty casual dining or public school teacher jobs and disrespects you.

The very people I’m trying to save constantly subject me to horrific abuse by saying things like “Eat shit, pig” or “I’m disabled and I can’t breathe, please take your hands off of my neck.” I kill in self-defense of my honor. You would, too. I promise you.

Let’s be real, it’s only second-degree murder we’re talking about here, anyway. It’s not first-degree, which is the real evil shit. Cops aren’t going around, scoping out neighborhoods thinking, “oooooh, in a few days, I’m gonna kill that dickhead.” That’s ridiculous. It’s more like, “oooooh, in a few minutes, I’m gonna kill that dickhead.”

It doesn’t stop after my shift ends. I come home and my wife says that I’m a “bastard” because I don’t help her raise the kids or show any hint of affection to anyone ever. Bizarrely, she’s developed this habit of falling down the stairs directly on her eye socket every time she mouths off or the Steelers lose. Yet, she’s still alive. Where’s my medal for that?

Why did everyone start being so mean to cops anyways? It wasn’t that long ago we were all praising Chris Tucker’s character from Rush Hour and the exquisite way he ridiculed a non-native English speaker’s loose grasp on the language. That’s what motivated me to become a cop in the first place. And if I can’t do my job while mocking civilians with my perfect fake Chinese, then why would I want to do it at all?

So go ahead and defund the police. Good luck defending yourselves from harsh words when heroes like me are no longer armed and walking the streets.

Classic Car Owner’s Hood Infested with Rockabilly Models

Posted on by Ryan Clark

YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Classic car owner Charles Metzger found yesterday what appeared to be dozens of rockabilly models all doing pin-up photo shoots on the hood of his 1956 Oldsmobile 88, surprised neighbors confirmed.

“I’ve never seen it this bad before,” said Metzger shortly after scaring away the models with a hose. “Last week, I saw one model on the hood, and didn’t think anything of it — I even let my daughter get close to her and feed her. But now it’s clearly getting out of control: not only are they damaging the hood, but I’m finding cherry red lipstick smudges all over the interior. I know they aren’t dangerous, but I don’t want my car to end up in some calendar.”

Neighbors are worried the infestation is so severe that it may spread to nearby houses.

“I woke up this morning to go to work and found a rockabilly model posing on the hood of my 2015 Kia Soul,” said neighbor Lynn Manning. “Yes, the car is very practical and gets great gas mileage, but it doesn’t really fit the rockabilly aesthetic. They must be getting desperate. Another neighbor found a woman in a polka dot skirt posing on the handlebars of his son’s tricycle.”

Rockabilly expert Walter Whinfrey noted some simple, preventive measures one could take if they ever find themselves amongst an outbreak of rockabilly models.

“Make sure you always have reggae music within earshot of wherever you leave your car. Although there are no adverse effects to the models, they tend not to gather in areas where reggae music is in heavy rotation,” said Whinfrey. “And definitely keep your classic car away from any drive-in movie theaters, sock hops, or Social Distortion shows. If you let too many of these pin up models roam around in a concentrated area, eventually they’re going to attract the males, and that’s where the real problem is — they’re known to carry switchblade combs, leave a layer of pomade wherever they go, and if you aren’t careful, they could drive your car off a cliff in a game of chicken.”

Due to the historic heatwave in California, local leaders encourage all residents to keep dry grass and brush away from the flame tattoos on all rockabilly models.

Lifelong Devil’s Advocate Promoted to Devil’s Communications Director

Posted on by Molly Vossler

WASHINGTON — Griffin Miller, a career contrarian and lifelong advocate of The Devil, has been tapped as Communications Director for The Devil’s administration, a senior Hell official confirmed.

“Griffin has extensive experience arguing about issues that he has no real stake in by emotionally exhausting his opponent,” The Devil’s chief of staff said at a press conference. “He has proven to be both relentless and insufferable, capable of tiring out even the most well-informed and well-intentioned contender — which will serve as an invaluable asset to our team.”

Miller, 34, began his career as an advocate to The Devil in his early twenties, where he would ruin small parties, family events and introductory dinners with his girlfriend’s friends by butting into, monopolizing and subsequently ending conversations that almost certainly would have been productive had he not been there.

“I’ve been gifted, as a straight white man, with a set of skills that allow me to theorize about issues that directly affect groups of people whose life experiences I don’t at all understand,” Miller said of his new role. 

According to a top administration official, Miller’s ability to curtail progressive discourse under the guise of intellectual curiosity — especially on matters involving women’s bodies — made him the perfect man for the job. 

“Griffin checks all the boxes,” The Devil said. “Contrary to popular belief, there is no real difference in regularly advocating for me and working directly for me, so we’re confident that he’ll slip into his new role quickly and confidently.”

The administration shake-up comes after weeks of speculation of who would take the role, with previous reports indicating that former New York Times opinion editor Bari Weiss was also being considered for the position.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Sony Acquires Exclusive Rights to All Spiders and Men, Just to Be Safe

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Sony Entertainment has acquired exclusive rights to all depictions of arachnids and men in film, television, and video games, just in case anybody gets any funny ideas.

“This all started when I was watching Home Alone on TV last December, and it got to the scene where the tarantula walks on the bad guy’s face,” said Anthony Vinciquerra, CEO of Sony Pictures Entertainment. “I laughed at first, because I always loved that scene, but then I thought, wait a minute: I see a spider, and I see a man. We should be getting a piece of this action.”

Sony has made huge profits from the Spider-Man superhero character, through the Marvel films and exclusive PlayStation games, but sources inside the company were concerned that they might be leaving money on the table.

“Just yesterday there was a viral video of a huge spider web this lady found outside her house. Millions of views. Somebody in the comments even said the web ‘looks like Spider-Man made it.’ We didn’t see a penny,” said an anonymous executive within Sony’s marketing department. “Well, starting today, those dirty little tricks aren’t going to work anymore. If you want to take a video of a spider or a human who identifies as a man, it’s going to be a Sony production.”

As of today, there were already widespread reports of Sony enforcing the new rights through legal action.

“Look, I’m just trying to do my job. I mop the floors, empty the trash cans, and yeah, this morning I found a spider under a desk, so I killed it,” said high school custodian Martha Klasky. “Now I got a letter saying a security camera filmed me, and that I owe Sony $7 million.”

When contacted, Sony’s lawyers were unapologetic. 

“She’s lucky she’s a woman, or she’d be looking at $20 million,” said their lead counsel.

Following the closure of the deal, Sony representatives would not confirm rumors that they are now pursuing the exclusive right to all uses of the dash as a punctuation mark.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: