Standing Desk Elevated for First Time to Check for Fallen Chip

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

SEATTLE — UX designer Erin Philips shocked her colleagues today at her advertising firm CreateJoy when she elevated her standing desk for the first time to check for a lost chip, confirmed sources startled by the sound of the desk in motion.

“Honestly, I forgot this thing even went up — I was trying to find my Dorito when I spotted the up and down buttons on the edge of the desk and was like, ‘Oh fuck, that’s right!’ Sure enough, it goes up pretty high,” said Philips. “I didn’t even have to get out of my chair to grab the chip. I just scooted under the desk, picked it up, and rolled back out. Then obviously I had to get back to work, so I lowered it down again so I could sit for the next six hours.”

CreateJoy CEO Peter Hurst once believed that standing desks would invigorate his workforce and offer an alternative to sitting all day.

“I heard Google had these, so I got them for our office. I’m not sure how they’re working out for Google, but all of my employees would rather sit on their ass like it’s 2010,” said Hurst. “When I renovated the office, I saw it as an investment in our company culture: I had HR set up a whole launch party for the new design, and we celebrated with healthy snacks. But once everyone realized there wasn’t going to be cake, they just went back to work.”

Tonia Daly, an interior designer specializing in creating ergonomic workspaces, described how early advocates of standing desks predicted they would revolutionize the office.

“I admit that I, like a lot of interior designers, thought the standing desk was going to be a game changer for office workers’ health and productivity. I guess a lot of us failed to consider how truly lazy people enjoy being,” said Daly. “I’d say only about two percent of employees who receive standing desks actually use them for their intended purpose. Most people spend a few seconds pretending to be a DJ, and then never use it again.”

Philips followed up her brief standing desk use by taking the stairs, mostly in an effort to avoid small talk in the elevator.

What the Fuck Did You Just Say About Weird Al?

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say about Weird Al? The genius of all geniuses, the prince of parody, the maestro of music videos? You dare defile his honorable career by saying that he’s just “okay?” That’s bullshit and I will fucking kill you where you stand.

What is your goddamn problem? Do you think Weird Al fans are children? Have you overlooked the dark humor and satire in his lyrics? Are you incapable of appreciating when Weird Al took over MTV and called it “ALTV?”

Do you just hate life? Do you want to live a miserable Weird Al-less existence? Do you want me to break your knees so you can grow to appreciate Weird Al while you’re stuck in bed, healing?

I bet you’re one of those dumbasses who thinks Weird Al only makes parodies. What a simpleton like you misses is that half of his albums are completely original songs. And they’re brilliant! I should burn your family to the ground.

Are you ignorant to the top tier caliber of live performer that is the sacred and holy Weird Al? He puts more effort into his shows than Elvis, Madonna, and every Broadway performer combined. Your soul should be ashamed of you. People have been drawn-and-quartered for less than this.

The fact that you’re still breathing is only to honor Sir Weird Al, the kindest man to ever walk the earth. You have him to thank for every breath you take from now until you pass away like Mr. Frump in His Iron Lung and you meet Weird God in Weird Heaven. All praise be to Weird Al.

Police Department Reminded to Not Wear White Hoods After Labor Day

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

MILWAUKEE — Milwaukee Chief of Police Roger Brooks held a department-wide meeting today to remind his officers not to wear their white hoods after Labor Day, sources challenging the long-standing rule of fashion confirmed.

“I just wanna make sure we’re getting ahead of it this year, since last year we had so many fashion faux pas,” Brooks said, referencing the embarrassing gaffe last year when an officer was seen in his Klan outfit in early October. “I want my boys in blue to be honorable, decent human beings. Wearing those white hoods reflects on not just me, but the entire country’s police force, so we need to make sure they aren’t wearing them after Labor Day. As soon as the clock strikes ‘12’ on Memorial Day, throw ‘em right back on — I know I will. But for now, we want to respect traditions.”

While many continue to support the police, this issue has been a deciding factor in changing some minds.

“After the incident last fall, when I saw an officer openly wearing his Klan attire, I had to abandon the Blue Lives Matter movement entirely,” local resident Brittney Matowski said while painting “MAGA” across her own face. “It was just disgusting to see him wearing that white hood while I was trying to rake leaves. Like, who raised you and didn’t teach you the most basic rule of fashion? I guess what they say is true — ACAB. All cops are bad at dressing themselves.”

Though he understands the sentiment, police union representative George Neely has chosen to disregard the guideline.

“I want to show pride in my beliefs, no matter the time of year,” Neely exclaimed, as he dragged a file on his computer labeled “BodyCam6448.8252020.AVI” into the trash folder. “I don’t care about this ‘white after Labor Day’ nonsense — if I feel like wearing my white hood, I’m gonna wear my white hood. It’s like a part of me. It’s important to me. It represents who I am on the inside. I believe people should be free to live their lives how they want… unless of course, they’re not white. Obviously.”

Chief Brooks also reminded officers not to wear their good luck Manji patches either, no matter how strongly they agree with what it has come to represent, as it’s color scheme does not match their uniforms.

Metacritic to Allow Users to Type in Exactly the Review Score They Want to See

Posted on by Henry Ewins

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — As part of its latest anti-review bombing measures, review aggregator Metacritic replaced both its Metascore and User Score with a text field for users to enter their preferred number. 

Metacritic confirmed the overhaul was the result of aggregating a broad spectrum of opinion, from epic_boy_cott on r/gaming to @saveexclusivesNOW’s comments on the official PlayStation Twitter.

“We want to end the divisiveness and let our users see the numbers that really speak to them, like 0 and 100,” a Metacritic spokesperson said. “You can only get that kind of numerical clarity with an aggregate of one.”

With early reviews coming in, the new interface appeared to be a hit with users. 

“The site is finally useful now that review scores are objective again,” said one user. “It’s a relief I can finally put The Last of Us 2 at 96, since The Last of Us scored 95. Obviously, 94 didn’t make any sense when The Last of Us 2 has much better graphics.”

In the gaming community, there was hope that these changes would spur innovation from developers by making them reckon with every single complaint from every single player.

“Epic will have to listen now,” chimed in another user, who gave zero ratings to every single video game other than Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage! and Aquaman: Battle For Atlantis.

The changes were so popular, in fact, that Metacritic announced that they were now the highest-rated review aggregator of all time, as rated by Metacritic.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: Pikmin 3 Deluxe Re-Release Comes Just in Time to Teach Children the Value of Mass Sacrifice

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

Our nation’s schools are facing a crisis — not a crisis of health, but a crisis of fear. Parents, misinformed by the liberal media, seem to think all of our children will die if schools proceed with their completely justified and totally necessary reopening plans. Fortunately, when Pikmin 3 Deluxe re-releases on Nintendo Switch this fall, parents and children alike will certainly be reminded of the virtue of sacrificing oneself for the greater good.

The Pikmin series has always been a favorite of mine, especially when thinking of education. Just like children, the titular Pikmin creatures follow a strong, dedicated leader who’s responsible for acquiring his own supplies in an effort to solve puzzles and fight monsters while sometimes dying for the cause — in other words, learning!

Do Pikmin occasionally encounter dangers during their unconventional education? Of course. Even a brilliant educator like Olimar can’t protect them from the realities of life, even with the help of the generous tax vouchers provided by his employer, Hocotate Freight.

But no matter how bad things look, we don’t make our Pikmin stay at home just because 2-3 percent of them might die. Pikmin have an innate desire for order and leadership, just as our children crave structure. They need humanoid aliens to hurl them at enormous post-apocalyptic beasts, just as our children need to be hurled at our enormous post-apocalyptic economy.

Most Pikmin survive encounters with creatures like the Armored Cannon Beetle — a far more dangerous foe than a virus, I might add! — This should humble our children, and their parents at how cowardly humans seem in comparison to these small, courageous Pikmin.

It’s not just about making sure our real-life Pikmin are learning, though. It’s also about freeing up their parents to work so that job creators can continue to produce value and buy a new boat — er, keep the economy afloat.

I encourage all families to gather around and play the new Pikmin together when it releases this October. Parents and children will be able to gather around the TV and watch as Pikmin emerge victorious from far greater battles than those our schools face now. Rejoice in the relatively high survival rate, and rest assured that while some other players’ Pikmin will die, your Pikmin will probably be fine.

Children, imagine yourselves in the mighty Pikmin’s shoes. Bravely soar toward that Red Bulborb, and come out stronger as a result. Most importantly, be assured that you’ll likely survive, even if thousands of your friends don’t.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Defunded Police Department Forced to Cut Coke with Flour Before Planting on Suspects

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

RALEIGH, N.C — The recently defunded Raleigh Police Department has left officers with no choice but to cut their diminished stashes of cocaine, saved to plant on innocent suspects, with all-purpose baking flour over more costly cutting agents.

“This situation is less than ideal for sure, but the department is ready to tighten our belts. If mixing our reserve of false arrest blow with flour, baby powder, or even fireplace ashes is what we have to do to stretch it out as long as we can, we’ll do it,” said Sgt. Andrew Marconi, while turning off his body cam. “But these budget cuts make it hard to do our job properly. We’re supposed to keep dangerous, drug-dealing criminals off the street — how can we do that without being able to provide adequate evidence that will make it seem like they are dangerous, drug-dealing criminals?”

“Some of the guys have talked about buying their own laundry detergent to cut this stuff up the right way. Can you imagine that?” he added. “Having to fund work purchases from your own pocket? Seems inhumane.”

As a response to growing calls for a reallocation of police funds, Raleigh city government has worked quickly to try and find a solution that appeals to both law enforcement and civilians.

“We knew going in that there wasn’t going to be an easy solution to this. But it’s wild there’s even a budget for this bullshit,” reported City Councilmember and Chairperson of the Economic Development committee, Lydia Biggums. “We were hoping to remove some of the paramilitary riot gear and weapons from the force and reinvest in better training or mental health, but honestly, at this point, we’ll take whatever we can fucking get.”

Changes in policies to step on narcotic substances is just one of the areas in which the department is feeling the budgetary strain.

“It’s not just the cocaine — in the last week alone, we’ve had to let go of several of our best officers at mishandling evidence,” admitted frustrated City Manager Davis Wilton. “I don’t know who they expect to delete security footage, file serial numbers off guns, or shred domestic violence records now. We have some city hall interns handling that for now, but a permanent solution is still pretty far away.”

Meanwhile, Raleigh police force representatives announced that further budget negotiations have fallen through, as the department refuses to let go of their standard issue Sea-Doo jet skis.

The Next Fox and The Hound? This Riot Cop is Beating Up His Childhood Best Friend

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

“The Fox and The Hound” is a Classic animated Disney feature about two best friends who, upon reaching adulthood, found themselves on opposing sides of cruel traditions. And a real life version of that adorable story took place on the streets of Seattle last night when a riot cop beat the ever-loving shit out of his childhood best friend.

“At first I was like ‘oh fuck, stop pepper spraying us.’ and then I was like ‘I know that dude,” recalled protestor Juan Atkins, “We used to be tight. I actually taught him to drive stick shift. which is ironic because he fractured my eye socket with a baton. Is that irony? I’m not really thinking straight on account of my severe concussion.”

Fellow protestor Andre Unstoppable was witness to the “heartwarming” moment.

“When I saw those two lock eyes in recognition of the bond they once held before that riot cop hit him with the weight of their chosen life paths I knew I was watching a fairytale story,” recalled Unstoppable. “It’s almost like time stopped and their lives together flashed before their eyes before they realized how helpless they’ve become to the gravity of our given societal roles. I still think that fucking cop should be strung up by the balls and skinned alive. But it was sweet, nonetheless.”

While a reunion between old friends may be recognized by a stranger it may not always be obvious to those being reunited.

“My vision was obscured by the paint on my goggles, but once he started yelling ‘stop assaulting me,’ I realized this was the dude who taught me how to play ‘Pokemon,’” said officer Tony McClutchy. “It truly is a small world. It was a real Disney moment. I wonder if he recognized me before I fractured his eye socket?”

Ofc. McClutchy later insisted that he planned to send a gift to his “old pal’s jail cell” thanks in part to having earned thousands in riot pay.

“Seriously, we’re getting so many bonuses for dressing up like soldiers and attacking citizens, it should be illegal.”

Unfortunately, no video footage of the incident could be found after the only known videographer of the serendipitous moment was hauled into an unmarked van and his camera confiscated by [redacted].

After Long Shut Down, Ruff Ryders Allowed to Open Up Shop

Posted on by Brett McCabe

YONKERS, N.Y. — Popular hip hop collective the Ruff Ryders finally reopened last week after a months-long shut down brought on by safety concerns over the coronavirus.

“These people runnin’ things, they’re sayin’ things like, ‘Stop. Drop. Shut ‘em down. And once the number of confirmed cases per day gets below a certain threshold, you can open up shop.’ Finally, after months of questions, we can resume business as usual,” said manager Earl “DMX” Simmons. “Thankfully, we own the building, so we don’t have a landlord trying to fuck with our crew. Now it’s time to pull papers. It’s all about the papers, and maintaining six feet of distance, along with proper hand washing.”

While the Yonkers label and motorcycle repair shop would be considered essential under New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s ruling, it was the café portion of the shop, French of My Press, Blood of My Beans, that was forced to shut down. But customers are happy to be back.

“Nobody makes a matcha latte like these motherfuckers,” shouted shop regular DJ Clue. “I tried making some of this shit at home and it wasn’t the same — it tasted like someone poured hot water over the bottom of my boots. It’s good for the community to have this place back open so we don’t have to fuck with Starbucks and spend $5 on some ‘tall’ bullshit, whatever the fuck that means.”

However, some employees voiced concerns that the heightened sanitary measures put in place by the city are not being taken seriously by management.

“We keep telling DMX to wear a mask, fool — especially someone who spits as much as he does when he talks. Honestly, I’m not sure a cloth mask would even be enough. Dude needs a full-face motorcycle helmet to stay contained,” said morning lead roaster Swizz Beatz. “This motherfucker’s mouth is like a drunk driver smashed into a fire hydrant. Him and his sprinkler-ass mouth are gonna get us shut down again.”

For the immunocompromised, French of My Press, Blood of my Beans is also offering home deliveries under their new “X Gon’ Give it to Ya” program.

Oh No! the Guy I’ve Been Paying To Fuck My Wife Is a Liberal Cuck!

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Thirty years ago I married the most beautiful woman in the world. I know everybody says that about their wife but mine is the real deal. Boobs, ass, vagina: you name it, she’s got it. On top of all that, she loves to fuck. And I mean she really loves it. Almost as much as I love to watch.

You see, about five years ago we met this young bull at a dive bar. Tall, handsome, and built like an NFL player (but one who stands for the anthem). We invited him back to our place that night and the rest is sweaty, passionate history. I’ve been watching this bull drill my wife all over our home three times a week, every week. Life couldn’t be more perfect. That was until yesterday. He came over, same time as usual, only today he was wearing a ‘Black Lives Matter’ t-shirt. I reflexively started yelling my safeword.

Now it’s no secret that we’re a Pro-Trump household. The photos of Trump as Jesus on the cross are pretty straightforward. We honestly never really took the time to ask our bull anything outside of “Would you like a drink?” and “You like fucking my wife in front of me, don’t you? Yeah…”. It never even occurred to me that the man making my wife cum all these years was secretly undermining my position as the alpha male in my own home! I spent the night laying there staring at this treacherous shirt on the floor while my wife was screaming her brains out as this guy sat on top of me fucking her. It was so traumatizing I barely came twice.

What a moral dilemma. This guy who has been satisfying my wife beyond belief for all these years was a lefty beta male the whole time. How can I reconcile such a disgusting person when they can do such amazing things? I guess sometimes you just gotta separate the cuck from the cuckoldry.

Things just haven’t been the same. I expressed how I felt about it to my wife and she doesn’t care. All she cares about is his monster hog. Meanwhile I’m over here watching Antifa literally fucking the wet freedom out of my beautiful America. Why can’t my wife just get fucked by a real Alpha who respects our troops and acknowledges that ALL LIVES MATTER.

If anybody reading this has a big dripping pecker, love for our country, and an interest in fucking a wife on a pool table while a half-flaccid man watches please contact me, or Alex Jones, ASAP.

Billy Joel Reveals “Piano Man” Started out as Pitch for Mega Man Villain

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

OYSTER BAY, N.Y. — Legendary singer/songwriter Billy Joel’s classic song “Piano Man” was originally crafted to be a pitch for a “Mega Man 2” character, according to recently unsealed letters and demo tapes addressed to Capcom.

“The song was never meant to be autobiographical — in fact, it was never meant to be a song at all. The whole premise was about a henchman with a piano for hands, who shoots keys at Mega Man,” Joel stated while mindlessly endorsing another 6-figure royalty check for the song. “His whole level was gonna have ragtime music; his obstacles were going to be music notes, pedals, and at some point, the lid of the piano falling on you; and his weakness was Metal Man, because pianos are made of wood. But then those assholes just made Wood Man instead, and it fucked everything up. I can’t complain, though — things clearly worked out for me in the end.”

The Mega Man fan community had mixed reactions to the discovery of Piano Man’s origins.

“Some people think it’s ridiculous, some love it. For me, I kinda wish he made Angry Young Man instead,” commented Mega Man 2 speedrunner Adam Lefler. “But I love the idea of Billy Joel working on video games. Michael Jackson worked on Sonic, why shouldn’t Billy do Nintendo? He could do a whole game! It’ll take place in Miami 20XX, where Dr. Wiley ‘started the fire’ and Roll’s ‘got a way’ — yeah, we definitely need a 2-D side scroller in the Billy Joel universe. I’ll start a petition for it!”

Though Mega Man creators nixed the idea, Nintendo made sure to find creative ways to include Joel in their universe.

“Piano Man didn’t quite fit the theme of that game, but Kitamura sent it my way, and we overhauled the design to include him years later in Mario 64 during the Big Boo’s Haunt stage,” added Nintendo producer Shigeru Miyamoto. “Piano Man makes another cameo in ‘Luigi’s Mansion 3,’ and I also had Ganondorf play the organ as a little tribute to Billy. We like to have fun at Nintendo.”

Not to be outdone, Bruce Springsteen revealed he too was almost involved with Nintendo, having created the villain for a final Mega Man battle simply named, “The Boss.”