The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Hello dear Coil subscribers! Welcome back! And if you aren’t a Coil subscriber, you are trespassing, and the castle doctrine authorizes me to protect this space by any means I deem necessary. I will hunt you to the ends of the earth. Nothing will impede my quest to get those five dollars from you.

Back to our wonderful subscribers: pull out your history books. Got them? Good, now throw them away — you don’t need them anymore thanks to Activision.

5. almost forgot about world war 2 until i played call of duty 3 on the wii. thank you video games

Only gaming historians remember a time when gamers killed nazis — instead of identifying with them. With World War II games, we can remember a time when brothers were pitted against brothers in splitscreen matches, or when Mountain Dew Code Reds had to be rationed if they were to last the entire LAN party. Thank you gamers.

4. Amateur Boxer TKO’s Heavyweight Champion After Multiple Jabs to His Great Big Belly

I know MonstoBusta2000 is joking, but straight up, fuck King Hippo for using a manhole cover. He is so much larger than Little Mac that his weight is represented by question marks. That’s like if Muhammed Ali fought a teenager and was also allowed to wear a biker helmet. King Hippo has no honor at all, and I would punch him right in his goddamn stomach too.

3. Dungeon Master Sneaks a Few Real Dice in With Those Sex Ones

An Excerpt from 50 Dice of Grey:

GREY: My desires are… unconventional.

ANASTASIA: Show me.

GREY reaches into his bookshelf, and pulls out a copy of the Player’s Handbook for Dungeons and Dragons. The camera slowly pans down to reveal… it’s 3.5 edition.

GREY: I understand if you want to leave.

Anastasia composes herself and nods, before sitting at the table to eat a slice of pizza.

2. Dungeon Master Sneaks a Few Real Dice in With Those Sex Ones

Other classes roll to hit, but bards roll to hit your cute ass up. It may not be optimal when you roll “Suck Ears” during a charisma check, but D&D is as much about the bad rolls as it is the good ones.

1. me: i should buy a gaming chair

Finally, he can get some use out of the four extra seats that his car came with for some reason. And why should he stop there? Tear out the console so you have somewhere to keep your snacks and drinks, or rip out the gear shift to use as a joystick. Or maybe flip it around. Install a sick gaming PC in the passenger seat of your car so you can game on the go. Fuck the Nintendo Switch.

Thanks again to everyone who commented this week! We couldn’t do it without you — literally. We here at Hard Drive try our hardest to make you drive laugh, so we appreciate it when you do the same. If you’d like a chance to be featured in next week’s column, just comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a nice week everyone! I have to go chase all those people who read this article without subscribing to Coil.

 

Top 5 Zappa Tracks To Play So Visitors Know This Party Is Over, Please Leave

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

It’s 1 a.m., the party is winding down, most of your real friends have left, and there are just a few stragglers hanging around your apartment taking advantage of the open bar. Here are five, never fail, Frank Zappa tracks you put on the speaker for a not-so-subtle hint that it is time to clear out.

Tip: For maximum effect, preface your selection by loudly asking “You guys wanna hear some REAL music?”

5. Bobby Brown
Nothing says, Please leave my home like a song about rape, watersports, and BDSM. Your guests will be grabbing their coats off your bed and heading to the door before they even catch a whiff of the irony in the song. Make sure to sing along to this one for extra effect.

4. Who Are the Brain Police?
Your guests will start to notice what time it is while this song goes on and on, seemingly never-ending. Around the five minute mark, suddenly they will remember they have to get up early in the morning. Your apartment will be empty before the song is over.

3. Valley Girl
This song gets old quick and your guests will get the idea that their presence has also grown old as well. This ham-fisted, obvious, judgmental track will not only get people to leave but get them to question why they came to your party in the first place. This is truly the litmus test of friendship; you’ll find out who came to see you and who came for the food.

2. Literally Any Frank Zappa Track
If you are not familiar with Zappa, just open Spotify and pick any track. The sound of a xylophone having a seizure will, sure enough, drive people from your home in droves. From the lazy jazz riffs to the dad-rock guitar, you will be all alone in no time no matter what song you pick.

1. Cosmik Debris
This ‘beat poet at an open mic’ track is sure-fire to let everyone know to find an exit. Beware, however, of the one dude who stays behind and wants to talk about Zappa with you. He is the worst and will not leave. It is best that you vacate your own home and stay at a hotel for the night.

Thousands of Young White Men Trapped in School-to-Police Pipeline

Posted on by Billy Patterson

WASHINGTON — Disturbing new research from the Brookings Institute has found that thousands of young, white men across America are being funneled directly from the public school system to their local police departments.

“What we’re seeing now is that large numbers of white males are getting trapped in a life of law enforcement right out of high school,” said Rebecca Whiteside, a law professor at Georgetown University. “These kids come in contact with the police academy at a very vulnerable age, some as young as 18. They don’t know any better, and they don’t have many other opportunities, so they sign up to be a part of this violent, racist government institution.”

Denzel Bryant, a local high school principal, pointed to failures within the education system as the cause of this alarming trend.

“We try our best to give each student a chance to succeed and build a bright future,” said Bryant. “But the reality is, when so many schools are underfunded and overcrowded, lots of angry white boys are getting left behind. And since police culture is such a big part of the white community, it’s no wonder they get drawn into that life. It’s making me question my role as an educator after seeing how many of his former students have wound up on the force — I feel like I failed them.”

Ex-police officer Michael Heller, himself a victim of the school-to-police pipeline, now travels the country speaking to groups of young white men, hoping to prevent them from following his tragic path.

“I try to use my story as a cautionary tale,” said Heller. “I understand where these white kids are coming from, and I try to scare them straight by talking about all the horrible things I did while I hid behind a badge. But really, I want to give them hope: I want to show them that an aggressive white boy from the suburbs can grow up to become something other than a police officer. There is so much more out there. Get a job as a middle manager at an insurance office — anything is better than being a cop.”

To combat the issue, the U.S. government announced a new initiative encouraging white teenage boys to avoid a brutal life of law enforcement by joining the military.

The Tony Hawk Games Introduced Me to Punk and Attempting McTwists Over Helicopters

Posted on by Dan Luberto

For kids like me that grew up in the early 2000s, the Tony Hawk franchise was the start of great personal discovery. Besides skating, the soundtracks alone were an important part of getting an entire generation into punk. Personally, without these games, I may have never gotten into many of the things that define me as a person. Things like skateboarding, a DIY ethic, and constantly attempting to nail McTwists over helicopters.

I’ll never forget that Christmas morning 20 years ago when I opened Pro Skater 2, not even knowing that it would shape my musical sensibilities forever. Starting with pop-punk and skate-punk and moving all the way to hardcore and grind, the soundtrack was mindblowing. I was just a kid opening a new toy without the slightest inkling of, “one day this will cause me to attempt a trick I am incapable of doing over a helicopter and cause me severe bodily harm.”

It went even deeper than just punk music, it was a crash course in skate culture as a whole and I felt so at home. I wanted to be everything about that game and everything that came along with it. I wanted the style of Chad Muska. I wanted to do weirdly long manuals like Rodney Mullen. And most of all I wanted to do whatever the fuck Rune Glifberg did. I even started bullying my parents like Bam Margera.

It all resonated with me. Particularly those parts in Underground 1 and 2 where all the tricks were next level. They really made me want to step up my IRL skating game. While I didn’t have access to the roof of a hotel in Hawaii and I don’t know enough bullfighters to recreate some of the more iconic tricks, I did know where a local helicopter hangs out so I figured this was a decent bronze medal option.

I grabbed my board, had NOFX blasting in my earbuds, and knew what needed to be done. The second that helicopter landed to medevac my dad to the nearest hospital I only had one thing on my mind. And that thing was one word: “Lagwagon.”

And just like those awesome games inspired me to pick up a guitar and start a Descendents cover band I went for it and tried a McTwist over that helicopter. And after spending seven years in a coma you bet your ass I’m still alive and looking to collect that “E” to the left of the helicopter that I missed.

In hindsight, I don’t know why I did that. I don’t think vert tricks are even remotely cool. Is Andy McDonald even still famous? Is John McGill even still alive? The only thing I regret more is that it got me into ska, but you live and learn.

Snare Sound from St. Anger Announces 2020 Presidential Run

Posted on by Ryan Werner

SAN FRANCISCO — The oft-ridiculed snare sound from Metallica’s 2003 album “St. Anger” announced yesterday that it will also run for the U.S. Presidency in 2020, adding another unpopular option to this year’s ticket.

“The ‘St. Anger’ snare sound has considered a serious run for years — it’s been proudly embedded in the vehicles of military officers across the country as well as abroad, and now wants to show it can be the leader of the free world. The biggest obstacle we see is being associated with Lars Ulrich, but polling shows most voters sort of forget who he is,” said campaign manager Ruth Wilson. “The American people don’t just want freedom to ring — they want an overly-compressed clang around 5kH to ring. Snare sound 2020.”

The news of the snare sound’s presidential bid immediately activated some of its harshest critics.

“Metallica’s 90s shit is weak as fuck, but I’d rather have the beefy snare sound from the ‘Black Album’ any day of the week. Do we really want to hear something that sounds like Robocop jerking off every time it does a press conference?” said Bay Area metalhead Vincent “Vinny Smear” Miller. “I had a copy of ‘St. Anger’ for about 25 minutes before I chucked that fucker out the window on the Golden Gate. I’m not out here to defend Trump by any means, but this pool of candidates isn’t making it easy.”

Political scientist Lauren Glifford has studied the elections of the past 30 years, making some astute predictions.

“Whether you like the snare sound from ‘St. Anger’ or not, the reactions it elicits are amongst the most vitriolic and visceral we’ve ever seen,” said Glifford, putting the contents of her desk at San Francisco State University into a cardboard box. “One concerning and very real possibility is that the initial outcry against the snare sound from ‘St. Anger’ will appeal to those looking for a president who exists outside of the accepted political spectrum — it’s how we ended up with Trump’s antagonism and Biden’s apathy, after all. The vote could very easily split that way, leading to an independent to come up through the middle with the trashcan crack of a crumbling future.”

“We’re so fucked,” she added, while turning the lights off and stepping outside her now former office.

The snare sound from ‘St. Anger’ is allegedly already making plans to pass an executive order, making it much harder to “delete that.”

Halo Infinite Harkens Back to the Series’ Roots by Letting Players Collect 25 Computer Parts to Upgrade Grappling Hook

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — 343 released new information about their upcoming game Halo Infinite today that shows it harkens back to the series’ roots by letting players go on side quests to collect 25 computer parts in order to upgrade their grappling hook.

“We really wanted to make sure that Halo Infinite wasn’t just capitalizing on the trends in gaming. That’s why we threw in some classic features like a big map with a ton of objective icons that the Chief can traverse to and eventually unlock as fast travel points,” explained head of 343 Bonnie Ross. “We want people to roam the vast open world of Halo Infinite, searching the bodies of grunts for microchips, and think ‘Wow. This really does feel like Halo 2.’”

Fans on the Halo subreddit praised the announcement in a megathread.

“Holy shit, it’s such a relief to finally see a Halo game that looks and feels like Halo,” said u/masterchiefkeef92. “I audibly gasped when the pilot NPC guy told Master Chief to open up his menu and there was a whole complicated upgrade chain where you can spend points to make Chief more powerful. I’m definitely going to check out the super jump line first; I think it’s going to be really OP to jump into the air, grappling hook into a banshee, and swing it into another one. Assuming I get the combo buttons down correctly, of course.”

“Some people seem to be complaining about the art style, but you have to remember that Halo has never had particularly impressive graphics,” said u/guiltysparkgear. “Halo is about tight gameplay, interesting character design, and being able to dance if you go into your emote menu and select one of eight cool moves. I found it really hard to get into Halo 4 and Halo 5 because it was missing this feature, but I’m so psyched to see it make a triumphant return.”

At press time, the Halo community exploded with excitement once again when 343 revealed that The Arbiter will make an appearance in Halo Infinite, but is now a short latino man named Arby.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

New Warzone Update Lets You Avoid War Entirely if You Find Enough Cash

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

ENCINO, Calif. — The most recent update to the Call of Duty: Warzone lets players permanently escape participating in ground combat if they are able to discover and accumulate enough money. 

“We wanted to simulate what the battlefield is like to the best of our abilities,” said Christian Morrison, a lead designer with Infinity Ward. “So with that in mind, we made it so that with enough money, you are absolutely clear of ever having to be down there in the shit dealing with the life and death realities of war. We’ve long dreamt of realizing this level of realism with our games and are so happy it is finally here.” 

“The rest of the shit in the game, we’re keeping, though,” he added.

The newest addition to the in-game buy stations, a first-class ticket to your new apartment in the Upper East Side that you reside in while interviewing for positions at several hedge funds ran by guys your dad golfs with, is the most expensive item in the game, costing several hundred thousand dollars more than any of the other available upgrades. 

“It presents a really interesting new strategy,” said Mert Cowan, a longtime Call of Duty fan. “On one hand, I can spend 10 grand and get a loadout dropped down to me filled with weapons and perks, which is obviously a tremendous advantage in a kill or be killed situation. But, if I find enough money, I can leave the deathmatch entirely and my character can move home with a little change in his pocket. Not really as exciting, but I get the dude out of harm’s way, at least.”

Infinity Ward has still refused to address the rumor that their next Battle Royale game will let you play as one of 100 military recruiters on a high school campus in a poor neighborhood.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Nintendo Announces You Can Borrow Their Old Games But They’re Gonna Need Them Back

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced a collection of 3D Mario games from past generations coming to Nintendo Switch today, available to be borrowed from them soon, as long as you absolutely promise to give it back by the spring.

“We would love to share these great pieces of Mario history with as many fans as possible, but we need to be careful about just lending out our games without putting a policy in place,” said President at Nintendo of America Doug Bowser in a Nintendo Direct this morning. “Several years ago we let Microsoft borrow Banjo Kazooie and they never gave it back. We won’t let that happen again. They’re our games, ya know.” 

While the chance to borrow these Mario games has generated a lot of excitement among fans, many have voiced concerns over having to give them back to Nintendo so soon.

 “This is really upsetting,” tweeted gamer Kyle Russo. “I mean, I already have Super Mario 64 for my N64, my DS, my Wii Virtual Console, and emulated on my PC, but it’s absolutely infuriating Nintendo is being so strict about when I can play it on my Switch!”

At press time, Nintendo announced that Switch owners can purchase Super Mario Galaxy 2 HD Remaster in October on any date in which the last number is a 1, 3, or 6.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Let’s Go To Walmart To Protest Their Unfair Wage Practices and Maybe Buy Some Essentials While We’re There

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Hey everyone! I just heard the Walmart over on Chestnut fired some employees because they were talking about unionizing so now they’re picketing outside. I say we march down there right now and picket alongside those heroes to show our solidarity and maybe grab a few things while we’re there.

Walmart pays their employees next to nothing and they don’t give benefits either. Although, my anxiety medication costs like four bucks here and it’s like twenty at CVS. But that is more of a healthcare issue than a labor issue and we aren’t protesting healthcare this week.

Since I’m picking up my medication anyway, I’m just gonna grab some snacks and drinks for later. It’s supposed to be a real scorcher today and Walmart’s “Great Value” brand of seltzer is quite reasonable compared to La Croix. Oh, I’m out of milk too. When you think about it, is Kroger really any better?

Since we’re here, we should probably buy cardboard and markers for our signs there because Office Depot charges like twice as much. Now that’s an unfair practice if I ever heard one. Amazon sells pre-assembled signs but I don’t want to put another dime in Bezos’ pocket. I’ve already spent over a hundred on Amazon this month already.

From what I hear most Walmart employees shop at Walmart anyway. In a way, it would be breaking solidarity if I don’t shop here. And for what it’s worth, their rotisserie chicken is pretty damn tasty. Better than Costco’s. Not that I am a member at Costco, I use my parents’ card.

Ya know what, we should probably grab a cart just in case.

Bike Lane Also Evidently “Do Whatever the Fuck You Want” Lane

Posted on by KC Phillips

NEW YORK — Local drivers and pedestrians too busy looking at their phones to watch where the fuck they’re going consciously updated the reserved bike lane to a “do whatever the fuck you want” lane earlier today.

“We’ve been asking for a lane where we can do whatever we fucking feel like for years, and it finally feels like the government is listening by just giving us this thing they call a ‘bike lane’ to do that in,” said local truck enthusiast Tucker Dean, pulling his F-150 sideways across the road. “I think they must be talking about that narrow parking strip, but I’m happy I can finally feel safe in this city knowing that my beautiful truck gets a lane all to itself either way.”

While drivers are impressed, pedestrians are more than happy with the decision, too.

“Look, it’s been too long that this unused extension of the sidewalk has sat here collecting old pallets and copious amounts of trash. So believe me when I say how happy I am to hear this news,” huffed 36-year-old Mike Poe, a jogger on his morning run who was already making use of the “do whatever the fuck you want” lane to push a double-wide stroller. “So what if I’ve gotta deal with a few double-parked cop cars, delivery trucks unloading six hours worth of merchandise, and little Marta’s quinceanera photo shoot? It’s not the government’s place to tell people they can’t become a woman in the ‘do whatever the fuck you want’ lane. This is what freedom looks like.”

Surprisingly, not everyone is happy about the changes.

“This is an absolute disaster,” said protest leader Elena Fox, campaigning against the project. “The city also wants to turn the subways into ‘Pee Wherever the Fuck You Want’ stations, and last week they put out a statement encouraging citizens to just start tearing up the asphalt for no reason… and everyone is just pissed about the plastic bags thing.”

Cyclists could not comment, as they were too busy being killed by negligent drivers who will likely go unpunished to respond.

Photo by Mike Castleman via Flickr.