NEW YORK — Local drivers and pedestrians too busy looking at their phones to watch where the fuck they’re going consciously updated the reserved bike lane to a “do whatever the fuck you want” lane earlier today.
“We’ve been asking for a lane where we can do whatever we fucking feel like for years, and it finally feels like the government is listening by just giving us this thing they call a ‘bike lane’ to do that in,” said local truck enthusiast Tucker Dean, pulling his F-150 sideways across the road. “I think they must be talking about that narrow parking strip, but I’m happy I can finally feel safe in this city knowing that my beautiful truck gets a lane all to itself either way.”
While drivers are impressed, pedestrians are more than happy with the decision, too.
“Look, it’s been too long that this unused extension of the sidewalk has sat here collecting old pallets and copious amounts of trash. So believe me when I say how happy I am to hear this news,” huffed 36-year-old Mike Poe, a jogger on his morning run who was already making use of the “do whatever the fuck you want” lane to push a double-wide stroller. “So what if I’ve gotta deal with a few double-parked cop cars, delivery trucks unloading six hours worth of merchandise, and little Marta’s quinceanera photo shoot? It’s not the government’s place to tell people they can’t become a woman in the ‘do whatever the fuck you want’ lane. This is what freedom looks like.”
Surprisingly, not everyone is happy about the changes.
“This is an absolute disaster,” said protest leader Elena Fox, campaigning against the project. “The city also wants to turn the subways into ‘Pee Wherever the Fuck You Want’ stations, and last week they put out a statement encouraging citizens to just start tearing up the asphalt for no reason… and everyone is just pissed about the plastic bags thing.”
Cyclists could not comment, as they were too busy being killed by negligent drivers who will likely go unpunished to respond.
Photo by Mike Castleman via Flickr.