Adorable Music Festival Thinks It’s Happening in 2021

Posted on by John Danek

SAN FRANCISCO — The Day by the Bay Music Festival very sweetly doubled down on announcing lineup reveals and VIP ticket deals yesterday, despite all evidence pointing to the impossibility of safely holding such an event in 2021, sympathetic music fans noticed.

“Gates open in exactly 200 days! We can’t wait to see your beaming faces in September,” announced festival organizer Michelle Trenner, who also reportedly still believes in Santa Claus at age 38. “The CDC says there’s a 0.4% chance things could be good by then, and that’s good enough for me to place all my hopes here and distract from the reality of another year in lonely isolation. VIP parking passes are almost sold out; more big announcements coming soon!”

While many bands are booked to play Day by the Bay, none actually believe Trenner’s insistence on the event’s viability.

“It’s like asking a terminally ill child what they want to be when they grow up,” explained Interpol frontman Paul Banks. “You just humor them because to actually face the gravity of the situation is too painful. Just let people believe what they need to get by. I haven’t booked plane tickets or a hotel for the fest, and I highly doubt I’ll have to. And while it’s nice to send emails about bookings again, I fully expect to be on my couch re-watching ‘New Girl’ and eating entire pints of ice cream that weekend.”

The Department of Health and Human Services continues to release guidance for the various business and events struggling to survive.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Is anyone even listening to me? That 0.4% possibility estimate for large gatherings is generous at best,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. “Mass graves! We had mass graves due to this disease… which keeps mutating, by the way. Are you forgetting about the mutations? We have goddamned the X-Men of infectious diseases out there killing Nana and Pap Pap, and you think you’re getting 8,000 people to watch Yeah Yeah Yeahs? They haven’t released an album since 2013.”

Trenner earned another massive helping of sympathy from the industry moments ago when she revealed she also thinks Affliction Clothing is coming back into style.

Dorian Gray Sells One-of-a-Kind Portrait as NFT

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

LONDON — Handsome young socialite Dorian Gray announced today that he’ll be distributing the digital rights to a one-of-a-kind portrait of himself as a non-fungible token, or NFT, sources confirmed earlier today.

The portrait, painted by the artist Basil Hallward, which “depicts [Mr. Gray] as he truly is,” will be digitized and sold as an NFT at auction with a starting price of $1 million. Although it may seem at first glance like the piece is simply a static image file, Mr. Gray has said that it is actually an extremely slow-speed animation that the owner will be able to exclusively witness as the portrait transforms over time.

“After Basil painted me, I was so inspired by it that I pledged my soul to whatever Earthly force could let me stay as young and beautiful as I am in the image,” said Mr. Gray. “Now thanks to the revolutionary NFT marketplace, my preserved likeness will transcend the physical world and stay as young and as vibrant as it is today, being circulated on the internet for years to come. Plus, with the proceeds, I’ll be able to fully commit myself to pursuing a life of hedonism and debauchery, which will lead to some very interesting changes to the picture later on. No spoilers, but you’re not going to want to miss out on the once in a lifetime chance to own this!”

At press time, Mr. Gray reassured detractors that his NFT portrait would also offset its own carbon footprint by slowly destroying itself instead of the environment.

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Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Then Say It To My Son’s Face

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Hey, you! Think you’re smarter than a 5th grader? Well, I pray to God that you are because my 10-year-old son Caleb just won the spelling bee, and somebody needs to tell this kid he’s no fucking Einstein.

Someone more intelligent than me please get over here and humble my smart-alec son.

Sure, Caleb’s smart. He knows a lot about dinosaurs and coding and sometimes he even solves the puzzles on “Wheel of Fortune” before the contestants. But, unfortunately, he’s let all that go to his head. Ten years of constant praise from his parents and teachers got this punk thinking he’s Stephen Hawking reincarnated in Frankie Muniz’s body.

Now the little bastard won’t stop bragging about his brains. You know how it is: you let your kid beat you at checkers every single time for seven straight years and they start thinking Harvard’s gonna come calling any day now. Just last night I walked into the living room while he was playing some boring-ass video game, building an ugly house with a bunch of blocks in this chunky, N64-looking field. I asked him why there weren’t any guns or aliens or sexy archaeologists or at least a damn skateboard or something. And he just looked at me, shook his head in disgust, and grunted, “You wouldn’t even understand it anyway.”

This is where you come in. I need someone who’s smarter than a 5th grader and I need them NOW. Know the capital of North Dakota? I will pay you $100 to knock Caleb down a peg or two. Remember PEMDAS? Slide into my DMs to help me humiliate my boy. Know what the fuck Sacagewea is? I’ll straight-up poison your boss for you. Or just take the $100, your call.

I might not be a rocket scientist. Sure, it took me a few extra years to not finish high school. But if this little shit thinks he’s the smartest person in our house just because he doesn’t need to pause the opening to Star Wars movies and give himself a little extra time to sound out the big words, he’s got another goddamn thing coming. Because I am more than willing to show the brat once and for all that he isn’t nearly as smart as some random person I found on the internet and paid to embarrass him.

Ben Shapiro Criticizes Georgia O’Keeffe Paintings for Not Looking Like Anything

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

LOS ANGELES — Political commentator Ben Shapiro admitted today that he doesn’t like the paintings of renowned artist Georgia O’Keeffe because her works “look like absolutely nothing.”

“This is what’s considered art?” Shapiro commented, in his self-published YouTube video titled, “Ben Shapiro DESTROYS Georgia O’Keeffe in this clip.’’ “It’s just flowers. I have some in my backyard. Supposedly they’re supposed to look like something else, but honestly, it looks like nothing I’ve ever seen before — it’s just a collection of plants and desertscapes that, for some reason, make me feel anxious and extremely confused. If I want to see real art, I’ll look at something deep, like a Civil War painting or Dr. Seuss’ old stuff.”

Shapiro’s supporters from the intellectual dark web agreed with his scathing take on the non-issue.

“Kek kek kek bro be rite paintings trash,” Shapiro fan Frederick Hendrucks commented on the video. “It’s all make-believe anyways because it’s a painting and not a picture, duh.”

“All I see here is a warm glow reminiscent of the Northern New Mexican landscape and several soft, smooth and inviting curves that also pulsate with sensuality and really have me craving perfectly ripe peaches kind of out of nowhere,” agreed YouTube user DogPanttt06. “Don’t quit your day job, O’Keeffe.”

Sources say the Daily Wire founder was inspired to open his mouth again after visiting an art gallery that displayed much of O’Keeffe’s works.

“He was so confused and frustrated staring at these paintings. At one point, he challenged a painting to a debate and demanded it tell him what it’s supposed to look like,” gallery curator Denise Applewood recalled. “I couldn’t understand most of it, because his voice was so high and fast it sounded like an unhappy chipmunk record. Though honestly, it’s nice that somebody didn’t mistake her work for depictions of vaginas for once. Well, not consciously at least.”

Shapiro similarly accused Jackson Pollock of painting “socialist propaganda” last year, claiming he was “beginning to see AOC’s feet” in Pollock’s “Tempest” drip painting.

We Interviewed Beck but It Turned Out To Be Michael Cera in a Big Hat

Posted on by Jake Menez

Few musicians have had a career as consistently successful as Beck Hansen. The 50-year-old Los Angeles native has been called everything from rockstar to the next Bob Dylan to that guy from the Futurama episode since his rise in the early 90s with hits like “Loser” and “Where It’s At.” The Hard Times sat down with Beck for a wide-ranging interview. Unfortunately, we accidentally interviewed Michael Cera in a big hat, mistaking him for Beck.

Here is our exclusive interview with Beck Hansen because Michael Cera was too polite to correct our mistake and really, tried his best.

The Hard Times: Let’s start with a question I bet you don’t get very often. Scott Pilgrim vs the World just had its tenth anniversary. What was your experience like working on that?

Michael Cera in a Big Hat: [Laughs] I actually get asked about that one a lot. It was such a fun experience and Edgar Wright is a phenomenal director. He’s so funny. He made the whole process a blast and it’s exciting that the movie still has such a following. The fans are great and it’s always so cool to see the way they celebrate the movie.

The songs you wrote for the movie were a lot of fun. What was it like working with Michael Cera on them?

Wait, what? But I am–oh jeez. Do you think I’m Be–okay. Um, Michael Cera is great. I’ve spent a lot of time with him and I feel like I know him really well. Great’s a strong word… he’s just a sweet guy who uh… maybe he tries too hard to not let people down. It’s hot in here!

Oh, okay. Speaking of people you’ve worked with, your newest album has several tracks you did with Pharrell Williams. How did that come about?

Oh, um, sometimes it just works out? I’d been a big fan since I heard his music and knew I had to get him onto this album.

Some of his solo stuff or his work with NERD? What’s your favorite?

Ummm…the one from the ‘Despicable Me’ movie?

Interesting choice! Looking back at your own songs, are there any that stand out as favorites or any you wish you’d done differently?

Well, I love “Devil’s Hairdo,” even if I don’t really know what it’s about. It’s just so catchy.

Don’t you mean “Devil’s Haircut?”

Oh yeah! Isn’t that what I said? It would be weird if I didn’t know my own songs [nervous laugh]

Easy mistake to make. Now for the big question. Your new album, Hyperspace, came out around the same time your marriage ended. Did that have any influence on the songs?

Well, um. My marriage…uh…aw man. I’m so sorry, I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.

Was that question too personal?

No, no. I’m not even Beck. I’m Michael Cera. You just seemed so excited to meet him. I’m so sorry! I’ll leave now. I’m sorry.

Oh my god seriously?! I’m so sorry! I feel like an idiot, it’s the hat man, the hat totally makes you look like Beck!

Yeah, dumb hat. Stupid, stupid. Should not have worn this hat, my fault. I’m just gonna take this hat off and give it to a… a hat charity.

Well, can I interview you?

Oh, gosh, I’m flattered! I mean I do have a flight to catch but I can just move that around I guess…

No no that’s okay! How about next week at 3 pm?

3 pm next week, you’re on. I will be here. Just try and stop me! Haha yeah, that sounds great. I will be right here next week at 3 pm for that interview.

He wasn’t.

Pregnant 311 Fan Already Wasted All Her Favorite Names on Bongs

Posted on by Ted Pillow

SAN DIEGO — Seven-months pregnant 311 fan Shannon Kerrigan regrets using all of her favorite potential baby names on several sick bongs over the last 18 years, confirmed alarmed sources.

“My biggest motto is ‘no regrets,’ which is why I have this tattoo on the back of my neck of a mischievous Calvin pissing on the word ‘regrets,’” Kerrigan explained while cruising in her Jeep Wrangler and blasting 311’s “Come Original.” “But I gotta admit, I actually do regret giving the name Sylvester Stillstoned to a gnarly, three-foot bong instead of my beautiful, unborn son. Look, I’d never trade the days I spent ripping hits from a gas mask in the parking lot before 311 shows. But, if my son decides he wants to be a doctor, I’ll definitely be kicking myself for bestowing that gas mask with the name Dr. Dankenstein. The younger me was so impulsive.”

Kerrigan’s husband Alex is deeply concerned with his wife’s list of potential names.

“This is getting out of hand — yesterday I walked into the nursery, and found Shannon stenciling ‘The Grim Reefer’ on the wall over the crib,” Alex confided. “I keep telling her these names weren’t meant for a human child in the first place. There have been a lot of other red flags that make me wonder if we’re really ready. I mean, her hospital ‘go’ bag is just an old Jansport backpack full of loose trail mix and a DVD of ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.’”

311 has a long association with marijuana use, and its members admit that the Kerrigan’s struggle is a common issue for its fans.

“We can relate to Shannon’s dilemma. We were at a similar crossroads deciding on a band name all the way back in 1988,” admitted 311 vocalist and guitarist Nick Hexum. “But my advice is to choose a name wisely, because it lasts forever. Let us be a warning: we’ve spent the last 30 years of our lives in a band named after the police code for indecent exposure, and our bassist is a 46-year-old grown man named P-Nut.”

Sources say Shannon has since looked up the most common baby names for boys last year, but unfortunately for the couple, she had previously owned “absolutely devastating“ bongs named Liam, Noah, and Jackson.

America Unsure If Pandemic Is One of Those Scripted Fights You’re Supposed to Lose

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — As the infection rates and death counts throughout the nation continue to slowly creep upwards, citizens throughout the United States have begun to collectively wonder whether the coronavirus pandemic is one of those scripted fights that you’re supposed to lose.

“Things have been so hard for so long, I’m just starting to think this is one of those classic situations where you’re supposed to keep taking damage until you’re within an inch of life and then suddenly there’s some divine intervention that saves you and moves the story along,” said local man Ryan Wassinger, haphazardly eating indoors at a restaurant without using any hand sanitizer first. “After I saw that Texas is opening back up to 100%, it made me think they must be trying to speed up the process. Makes sense, in these situations you want to get close to death as quickly as possible.”

Others agreed that the seemingly insurmountable odds of the nation’s pandemic response has all the trappings of an impossible-to-beat boss fight.

“This is just like Mega Man X when you have to fight Vile in the first stage,” said Louis Cole while confidently throwing away face masks he was certain he wouldn’t need any more. “It’s like, hang on, I’m supposed to beat this huge scary guy piloting a giant fighting robot suit? And he’s shooting these huge bullets at me in between punching me with his giant robot arms? But of course, when you get down to 1 HP, your friend Zero comes in and saves the day. That’s the exact same thing that’s happening with the pandemic. Once we’re all sick, I’m sure Zero will come and save us like he always does.”

At press time, Americans started to second-guess the scripted fight theory after realizing that being incorrect could mean accidentally triggering a game over.

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Where are they now? Every guy with stained sheets on Room Raiders

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

Of the 178 reality shows MTV released between 2002-2005, none of them quite popularized using a blacklight to look for semen on bed sheets like “Room Raiders.”

We recently checked in with some of those disgusting contestants to see what they’ve been up to since the show.

“Right now, I am in between jobs. Not sure if I still want to do bandaid art or buckle down and invest in my cousin’s weed dispensary for cats,” said Matt L. from season 2, episode 4. “I keep up with the other Matt from my episode. He’s a libertarian and posts memes about chemtrails. As for my stains, I had bloody stool and shit the bed a few weeks before the show because I had been drinking all night with a bunch of babes. That’s why my orange sheets had a tinge of bronze.”

Interestingly, our research found that a significant number of the “Room Raiders” contestants with stained sheets were named either Matt or Steve. While many of the Matts work in “finance,” others became comedians or at least believe they’re funny enough to do comedy. Most of the Stevens became pharmacists that skim pills from the elderly. Others, like Matt F. (s9 ep5), tried to capitalize on their fame.

“I tried to use ‘Room Raiders’ to launch my acting slash modeling career. I took some classes and was told by multiple improv teachers to keep buying classes but it never panned out for me,” said Matt F. “Now I find stuff and sell it at pawn shops. No girlfriend still but lots of options. I remember one of the other contestants named Steve had a Ninja Turtles sheet with crusty stains on April O’Neil. He’s an HR manager now.”

While many of the slovenly contestants went down divergent paths, their similarities were surprising. For instance, 10% were awaiting trial for mail fraud or had warrants for their arrests in Florida. And a shocking 55% had married and divorced women named Amber. But perhaps the least surprising fact is 100% of the contestants have yet to wash their sheets since filming the show, but all claimed they will “totally get around to it soon.”

Punk Band Finally Finishes Anti-Trump Album

Posted on by Josh Fernandez

TEMPE, Ariz. — Punk band Precedent Smashers celebrated the release of their new album “Bash the Cheeto” yesterday, which they believe will be the final piece in dethroning former President Donald J. Trump, earnestly out-of-touch band members confirmed.

“We consider this album the nail in the coffin for the tyrannical, orange sack of shit. Sure, the government can impeach this tiny-handed fascist, but we all know the system doesn’t work for us, and the only thing that will oust this king of the slackjaws is the power of raw street punk!” said vocalist Ivan Pulido of the blistering 12-track debut they’ve been working on since 2016, while pulling out his dick and pissing on a MAGA hat. “My fave track has gotta be ‘Mango Mussolini’s Reckoning,’ that goes like, ‘Your time has come, fascist clown/golden showers ‘til you drown/open wide and shit in your mouth/we won’t sleep until you’re out!’ We put a lot of thought and time in these lyrics, and we’re stoked to know Donnie will get the message that he needs to bounce the fuck outta here.”

However, due to the timing of its release, “Bash the Cheeto” is leaving fans and friends slightly confused and a little embarrassed.

“They live in a squat house without Wi-Fi or any access to television, so it makes sense that they’re a little behind on current events, I guess,” said fan Angel Banuelos. “But they’re really proud and so optimistic about this album’s potential impact in ousting Trump that nobody’s really said anything. Some of these song titles are so cringe, though — I mean, ‘We’ll Fight Trump in a Cage Match,’ ‘Fuck the Uglyass Trump Kids, Too,’ ‘Skinheads Against Racist Trump (S.H.A.R.T.)’ and ‘Make America Not Vote for Trump Again’ are just the ones that I can remember off the top of my head. There are like, 40 more that are each 50 seconds long.”
Former President Trump’s press secretary Kayleigh McEnany was neither impressed nor concerned when alerted about the brutal takedown.

“I don’t even work in the White House anymore, I don’t talk to Trump, and I have never heard of this stupid fucking band or their dumb album,” said an irate McEnany. “Everyone knows I only listen to country.”
At press time, nobody had the heart to tell Precedent Smashers that Joe Biden took office weeks ago.

Help!: I Forgot Which Chris Isaak Song To Fuck To!

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’ve never really been that interested in sex but recently decided to give it a try after reading an article about its numerous physical and psychological health benefits. While inexperienced, I am quite knowledgeable about the subject thanks to its prevalence in popular film and television.

I had a meet-cute with an attractive woman I accidentally hit with my car door. We had coffee, then dinner, and tonight she has agreed to come to my apartment where I believe she will consent to intercourse with me. There’s just one problem: I forgot which Chris Isaak song the people on TV always fuck to!

What a wicked game this is! Literally, everything else is in place. I have showered, brushed my teeth, and applied a reasonable amount of cologne. My apartment is clean. The lighting is intimate and inviting, and I have prepared a light yet tantalizing meal, complete with red red wine. But if I don’t find this song to play during a crucial moment of silence after which we lock eyes and both say something like “hey,” I’m afraid it’s just not gonna happen. I watched a lot of ‘90s television to prepare for this moment, and that song is absolutely crucial to the lovemaking process.

Before you ask yes, I tried Shazam. Unfortunately my recollection of the song in question, “breewww rrreeeeeeeerrr and it’s all sexy” yielded no results. It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.

I even tried looking up Chris Isaak on Spotify, a music streaming service to which I subscribe. I skipped the most popular track (it’s never that one) and then song after song failed to put me in the proverbial “mood.”

The clock is ticking. She’ll be here any minute. I really don’t want to blow it, I don’t know how many more chances like this I’ll get. I’m not from here, and I could get called back any day now. When that happens I would love to tell my friends and colleagues that I successfully copulated with a human earth female. And after all of this preparation what with the grooming and the cooking and the red wine…

Wait a minute, that’s it! Red Red Wine by UB40! I’ve seen TV people fuck to that song too! Phew, crisis averted. Now I just need to figure out how erections work.