Have you ever been watching a horror movie and thought to yourself “I bet the dude hacking up all these horny co-eds fucking loves Madball.” Well, you’re probably right. Horror and New York Hardcore are a match made in heaven and today we find out which crazed maniac is the biggest fan of the scene.
17. Michael Myers
Mike Myers likes heavy radio rock, but likes to “pit” so will go with you to a show and push people around and then request they push him back. We all need this guy for “nights off.”
Favorite Bands: Slipknot, Killswitch Engage
16. Black Phillip
BP is a pompous ass who always’ welcomes new women to the scene. Everyone knows he’s a dirtbag and that his main goal is to use his position to manipulate women into sleeping with him. Every scene is chock full of this asshole.
Favorite Band: Goatwhore
15. Victor Crowley
While being a savage beast, and kicking it old school definitely makes him prime for your local hXc scene, this swamp redneck is basically nothing more than a horror movie supergroup.
Favorite Band: Icepick
14. 28 Days Later Zombies
The only thing I know about these guys is that they’re posers. Listen, it’s a fine movie. But these aren’t zombies. They starve to death and dead things don’t starve. These guys have the ‘rage’ virus. I had that virus once. It wasn’t that bad.
Favorite Band: 25 ta Life
13. Horace Pinker
Now anyone who has seen “Shocker” knows that HP is a glam metal guy, but he still has the heart of a NYHC guy. I mean he is a criminal.
Favorite Band: Sheer Terror
12. Freddy Krueger
With his fascination with kids, you would think Ole’ Ratty Sweater would be into Pop Punk. Nope. He’s a hardcore kid. Whenever he isn’t wearing a fedora he reaches for one of those mosh caps and owns multiple pairs of camo shorts.
Favorite Bands: H2O
11. Ghostface
At heart Ghostface is a midwestern emo kid. Everyone who has donned the mask is pretty whiney about basic life shit. But rather than get therapy they use violence. Boom..NYHC.
Favorite Bands: Quicksand
You only have one chance to make your first album, and you certainly only have one to create a debut via a huge conglomerate, especially in the current musical climate. Motionless in White released their first three LPs on Fearless Records between 2010-2014. After the success of said trifecta, and particularly “Reincarnate,” their last for Fearless, Motionless in White looked for whiter pastures and signed with Roadrunner Records, which is the current home to truly huge rock acts Coheed and Cambria, Turnstile, Gojira, and Seal, and the band has released three records there as of now as well. Sadly, their first for Roadrunner is “Graveyard Shift,” which is good, but as we know, good is the enemy of great. Still, they climbed the ladder with their two follow-ups.
It seems like every album in the early to mid-2010s with a healthy yet caloric combination of growling and saccharine was produced by Florida man, but not “Florida Man,” Andrew Wade, and if you want proof, go to his Wikipedia page, and quickly count his production credits from 2010-2014, which include his boyz in A Day To Remember, the girlz in Eyes Set to Kill, the nu-metal dancers in Issues, and hardcore act Bachman-Turner Overdrive; spoiler alert, you can’t count that high and we have proof because you’re reading this. Anyway, “Creatures” is a hell of a debut, but an immaculate misconception is that it is MIW’s finest. It’s not, and we hope that that hypothesis perishes; it dies today. Debuting at #6 on the Billboard Heatseeker Chart is no small feat, especially given that it was the band’s first LP, so let’s give the band Winona Ryder’s designer clothes.
Broadcasting from Earth’s core: “Disguise” is Motionless in White’s sophomore and second-best Roadrunner Records release. It’s a great listen front to back and contains their biggest publicly streamed song on Spotify with “Another Life,” which at present day contains 143,538,421 listens, supplanting the band’s legacy in heavy rock and roll forever, and unintentionally means a better existence thanks to a mega improvement from its predecessor, “Graveyard Shift.” We know that you MIW haters are grasping for straws, holding onto smoke, and are soaked in a headache with a brand new numb after hearing this stat, but we implore you to suck it and/or bow down to the blank colored lack of movement. Fun fact, the 2021 Special Edition version of “Disguise,” which came out two years after the original version was released, contains a sick, sick, sick cover of The Killers’ new-wave manifesto “Somebody Told Me”.
Opening “Reincarnate” with one of the band’s better songs known as “Death March” showcased that Motionless in White was not a makeup wearing, silly, solely image-based unsubstantive act sans quality. Not. By. A. Longshot. Furthermore, the album’s producer Dan Korneff really brought out the best in the group in every which way. In addition, this particular MIW record had features from Dani Filth of Cradle of Filth, Maria Brink of In This Moment, Dessa Poljak of Silencio, and black metal king The Big Bopper. In closing, this record debuted at #1, yes #1, on Billboard’s Rock album charts.
“Infamous,” Motionless in White’s second full-length LP, is FAR from a sophomore slump, likely your favorite MIW album, famous, and is also Fearless Records’ most superior MIW release. If you thought that MIW was too metalcore, crabcore, hardcore, or coral with their debut “Creatures,” this one is an abandonment of said four genres and hearkens more to the “Family Values Tour” than “Warped Tour” in the best way; we still truly love Warped, families, Ozzfest, and Lilith Fair. Now let’s get to the end, which is literally the end of the world; wear a life jacket with garlic to protect you from the vampires that are literally everywhere.
We must admit that it is extremely rare for ANY band with a six album catalog or more to peak with their newest effort, as fans typically vouch for an act’s debut no matter how low quality it is and by any means necessary, but “Scoring The End Of The World” inarguably takes the gold medal spot here, and thus we list no “skip it” tracks below; non-hollow points. 2022 was a great and underrated year for rock, not you, red, werewolves, white, Motionless in White, and Vengaboys’ legacy which contains the sterling chorus that tells its fans, “Boom, boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room.” What’s craziest about this album is that Motionless in White is now officially a mainstream rock band, pissing off For Today yesterday, err, today, and tomorrow.
The one thing he would hate more than being an actual senator is being a senator’s unpaid intern. The best we could hope for here is that it inspires a new solo concept album about recent repeals to the CFR regulations.
Jello once snorted coke off of three buttholes at the same time, one of them being his own. So even though he has an acute familiarity with substances, he’s nowhere near the best choice to regulate them.
We’re pretty sure that, by the end of his life, Ronald Reagan didn’t have any living friends who were still able to lift their own fork, let alone a fascist’s casket. But regardless, we’re pretty confident that Jello never got a callback for the position.
Are you fucking kidding us? There’s a halfway decent chance he’d pull the trigger himself.
Look, we’d love to see Jello lay out Brett Kavanaugh on his own smug, beer-swollen face with “Terminal Preppie’ as the soundtrack. But admittedly, it doesn’t make for a great working relationship. At least it didn’t for us with our last boss at Panera.
A little-known government appointment, but one that is vital to the preservation of the republic. Someone’s gotta send all those goddamn lake birds back to where they came from – lakes!Also, Jello can’t swim, so he’s not gonna do great at this totally real job.
Bureaucracy. Automotive maintenance. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. These are just a few of the things that Jello is sorely unequipped to deal with on a daily basis. And unfortunately this job involves all three, so let’s just skip it.
Jello doesn’t do cold because cold makes jello freeze (*cue rimshot sound effect).
Even suspending Jello’s feelings towards members of the military (unknown or otherwise) we simply cannot imagine he would be capable of carrying out the various duties of a guard. He wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone and that might drive him insane. Besides, those guns are too heavy and you have to carry them the whole time!
Any position where Jello is forced to interact with cops is going to be a non-starter. Also, we’re going to guess that any data he gathers is gonna skew a little towards the “fuck this job and all of you fuckers” variety, which may not be the most helpful to law enforcement.
Jello would immediately dissolve the entire military-industrial complex on day one of this job, which would also include dissolving the position himself. Essentially, he would make himself obsolete, and we’ll let you all insert your own jokes after that last statement.
No fucking way. That’s some real PMRC bullshit right there.
If you need a punk rock singer to gleefully dry off politicians on vacation after a dip in a cool, refreshing natural spring, then you’d have better luck with Michale Graves. Jello isn’t interested.
Oddly enough, one encouraging encounter with Officer Biafra is enough to convince most kids to immediately return to school and never leave again simply out of the knowledge that he is still out there waiting for them somewhere.
Look, we don’t know what in the hell a comptroller does. And frankly we don’t feel like looking it up ‘cause government jobs are mostly boring as shit. Let’s just say Big J would suck at this and move on.
No one who works at the Pentagon would allow their children anywhere near Jello. We have to believe this is partly because he would actively be bilking the kids for any military secrets they may have overheard at home so he can write a new song.
This isn’t even one of the fun airplane jobs! We don’t even know that there are fun airplane jobs but we know this certainly isn’t one of them. Forget it, he would hate this.
Sure, Jello has the know-how (“Chemical Warfare,” “Kill the Poor,” “Kepone Factory”) but does he have the grit to actually gas the population? Don’t think about that second part – we’re giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Jello might champion some animal protection causes, but doesn’t he actually have to interact with nature for this position. Oof – it’s hard to tell just which part of the man would cause the mass stampede first.
If you’ve got a conspiracy to pin on someone, then for the love of fuck don’t try to pin it on Jello. He will never shut up about it and, despite our best efforts, is unkillable. This is just a conspiratorial mess waiting to happen.
Jello would be frustrated to shit at this job. All this country does with land is misappropriate it. He is never gonna be able to change that.
On name alone, this psychotropic mushroom is begging to be available everywhere from crystal shops to smoothie shoppes. Get some friends together, open your minds and see what fills the space. One note: This drug actually stands zero chance of being made legal next year… because it already is!!
Walk around any town in Colorado and you’ll be asking yourself, “Wait, this stuff isn’t legal?” And maybe that’s the problem. Use is on the rise and increasingly dangerous due to unregulated additives since it’s all provided on the Black Market. Think of it like this; jumping a snowmobile over a barn is legal in Colorado but that’s not what makes people want to try it. Certain folks will always go for the rush, let’s not perpetuate unnecessary violence and corruption around inevitable behavior.
Dexedrine is the stimulant that got the world through WWII and later housewives through their day before becoming prescription-only in the ‘70s. For all its run-through-the-woods-naked headiness, Colorado is also a place that likes to get shit done- just look at Governor Jared Polis’s progressive gun reform. Naturally Colorado is ready to relegalize a good austere upper.
A key virtue of any evolved society is the ability to admit a mistake. The near-deadly combination of alcohol and taurine made famous by Four Loko was a freedom that never should’ve been taken away. There’s only one place to get that unmistakable feeling of your heart about to explode out your ears and by God it deserves its place back on the shelves.
In the event someone figures out it does, in fact, get you high, Colorado wants to be ahead of the curve. Vote YES on Prop 69-420.
Wait, what now? EXACTLY. Jenkem is one of those drugs of lore; less about legal vs. illegal and more about myth vs. reality. If you’ve ever taken a dump in a Gatorade bottle, waited a few months, then taken a giant huff of the fermented fumes and NOT experienced hallucinogenic euphoria, it might be because there weren’t enough tax dollars backing the research. Colorado has the golden opportunity to see if the public sector can turn this apocryphal stinker into a renewable high.
The dirty, illegal bathtub crank of today just makes people want to punch windshields, take toasters apart and peel their faces off with nail clippers. If Colorado gets busy producing good clean meth it can deliver on what it was intended for; getting big-rig truckers from Denver to Pennsylvania without sleeping.
Though it can be prescribed for motion sickness, the real fun begins when properly abused and it manifests its street names; Devil’s Breath or Zombie. The effects are terrifying and no one has ever reported a positive experience. Why should it be legal in Colorado? As an easily accessible reminder that just because something is legal in Colorado doesn’t mean you should do it.
C’mon, ya gotta roll the dice now and again. Synthetic weed can be anything, which is what makes it cool. If Colorado makes everything else legal, it’ll be fun to do something unregulated-by-design ironically. Like, “Remember when this was illegal? Remember when I could feel my feet? Holy shit, what the fuck is this stuff?!?”
Just when you thought you couldn’t get any closer to someone than sharing a sleeping bag with them under the stars, bang- the Molly turns on! And it turns out you’re not in a sleeping bag at all- your humping a tree by the side of the highway, but it’s cool, just go with it man.
Colorado is long overdue for a pivot away from the tired, played out IPA craze of 2002. Solution; all those bearded brewmasters turn to Absinthesmiths, start hand-sourcing Vienna wormwood with the same pretentious snobbery they once did hops and slowly watch the entire state descend into nightmarish psychosis.
A proprietary blend of morphine, cocaine, gin and thorazine, the Brompton Cocktail was popularized in turn-of-the-century London but will find a comfy spot in rapidly gentrifying Colorado all the same. Considering its ingredients, the Brompton stands to dethrone Coors Light as the official beverage of Colorado, even if no one lives to tell about it.
Natural beauty is one reason people from big cities come to decompress in Colorado, and the menu of legal drugs should be the other. No matter how high a mountain peak you scale or turbulent a set of rapids you raft, you’re still you. That is until you pop into a storefront Ayahuasca lounge for a quick visit with a shaman. You’ll confront trauma, touch the godhead, reboot the hard drive and go home with an ego death you can brag about for months!
Salvia is a special substance. It delivers all the catatonic dissociation of nearly dying without cutting into the time you’ve set aside to do other drugs. Colorado will always be a friendly town for heroic dosage, but it could really fill a niche for those going to the edge and back on a tight turnaround. This could be big at airport layovers when you want to be able to say you completely lost your mind in Colorado, but also be able to say your own name when they change the boarding gate 15 times.
I mean, c’mon. Between String Cheese Incident, Red Rocks and String Cheese Incident at Red Rocks, Colorado and acid go together like String Cheese Incident and, um, I dunno… some place where String Cheese would be cool to see live. Plus, it’ll be just in time for the grand opening of the Hunter S. Thompson museum at Owl Farm; online blogger dads in bucket hats tripping ballz and threatening their wives with bowie knives all afternoon; “TELL ME ABOUT THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!” It can’t miss!
Skiing is expensive… and so is hitting the slopes!- which is just how winter-sport elites like it! From Breckenridge to Vail, rich guys and their obnoxious families cannot put a price on getting as much adrenaline-pumping brotastic epicness out of a ski vacation as possible, both on the mountain and off. It’s simple economics; limitless tourist budgets plus sky high taxes on nose candy and it’s a destination win-win for gnar-shredders and public schools alike.