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The Only Thing that Can Stop a Volcano is a Good Guy with a Volcano

It seems like everywhere we turn, no matter what part of the world, something is trying to kill us. And from what we’re seeing unfolding in Iceland, we can add volcanoes to the list. The current situation is dire, as the latest tectonic disturbances threaten to wipe a whole town off the map and force its residents to flee.

It’s high time we realize that if the citizens of the world no longer want to live in fear of being engulfed in magma, we need to get as many volcanoes into the hands of good honest citizens.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “won’t the unfettered proliferation of lava-spewing landforms lead to more eruptions?” Probably, but it’s for the greater good. You can bet Mount Saint Helens is going to think twice about blowing its stack again if it were surrounded by some good old boys with ash blasters. I’ll bet money that if the citizens of Pompeii were strapped when Vesuvius erupted, history wouldn’t remember them as a bunch of snowflakes who died instantly.

It’s mind-boggling that Iceland hasn’t passed any laws allowing their citizens to carry a volcano for their own protection. Have you seen that place? It’s like an alien landscape full of weird geysers and hot springs. They should’ve armed everyone after the Bárðarbunga eruption in 2014 but no, they just invested in stupid bullshit like healthcare and maternity leave. That’s democratic socialism for you.

Iceland should just model itself after America, like putting security officers armed with a volcano in any school to deter lava flows from entering the classrooms or access to high-powered basalt cannons. I’m sure someone can throw together a safety course pretty quick. How hard can it be anyway? Just point it away from your face and wait five to seven hundred years!

I’m not saying that giving every able-bodied man, woman, and child in possession of a volcano will prevent molten rock and ash from exploding through the Earth’s crust as it has since time immemorial, but it’s worth a shot.

I’m sure there’ll be plenty of crybaby liberals who’ll moan about background checks and banning the mentally ill from owning an active volcano. Don’t come crying to me when California finally breaks off from the continent.

So I say to Iceland, and anyone who lives above a subduction zone, to stand together as one and tell these craggy fucks that they don’t call 911 or a geologist. It’s time to stand your ground.