Every Megadeth Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Megadeth is a thrash metal band founded in 1983 and is considered one of the genre’s Big Four. The band’s founder and primary creative force is guitarist and Muppet-snarling vocalist Dave Mustaine, a dude who totally wasn’t and isn’t at all mad about being kicked out of another member of the Big Four. It’s just that he’d prefer you not mention that other band in his presence. Like, never ever. But he’s definitely not mad about it, OK? Anyhow, over four decades Megadeth has released 16 albums of original material, whose quality, if graphed, would resemble an EKG reading of a heart attack. Here we go.

16. Super Collider (2013)

“What if ‘Risk,’ but way fucking worse?” is a helluva baffling pitch. But that’s what Megadeth’s worst album is: a collection of uniformly bad choices. These attempts at radio-rock songs are impressively bland, the sonic equivalent of hotel wallpaper. There are some neat solos (see: “Burn!” and “Dance in the Rain”), and the musicianship is tidy and professional, sure, but there’s nothing memorable about the material being played. In a shockingly self-aware move, Mustaine pairs the vapid songwriting with his most unimaginative set of lyrics to date. Stuff like “Burn, baby, burn ’cause it feels so good / Burn, baby, burn like I knew it would” and “I’m going crazy / This world’s gone crazy / I’m falling off the edge” is the kind of drivel that an adult would find in a notebook from their high school years and cringe at. “Super Collider” is a bigger miscalculation than Operation Barbarossa.

Play it again: *Lawrence from “Office Space” voice* No, man. Shit no, man.
Skip it: *Walter White voice* You’re goddamn right.

15. The World Needs A Hero (2001)

In which Megadeth attempt a course correction after their radio rock period and sorta return to the radio-thrash of “Countdown” and “Youthanasia,” but without the sharp songwriting to justify it. Even some serious guitar fireworks—the only portion of the record that feels inspired—of Mustaine and newcomer Al Pitrelli can’t save these lackluster and plodding songs. “The World Needs” also contains some of Mustaine’s worst writing—sample lyric: “Life can only be understood in reverse / But must be lived forwards.” That logic is more tortured than Gitmo detainees. On the plus side, that album cover is pretty bitchin’.

Play it again: all of “Dread and the Fugitive Mind,” the second half of “Recipe for Hate… Warhorse,” and the final third of “Return to Hangar,” the only material that comes closest to proper Megadeth
Skip it: the rest of it, and especially “Promises,” an orchestral ballad that shouldn’t exist

14. The System Has Failed (2004)

Megadeth’s first album after their breakup is their second (ahem, failed) attempt at course correction. Written entirely by Mustaine and originally conceived as a solo effort, “The System” saw Mustaine hire session musicians—including former Megadeth guitarist Chris Poland—for another set of radio-thrash songs featuring some stellar interplay between Mustaine and Poland. There are flashes of brilliance here (see the Play/Skip section), but the record is largely a collection of unmemorable compositions. There are exceptions: “Kick the Chair” and “Die Dead Enough,” the latter being better than anything on “The World Needs.” It’s a superbly played album, but not an interesting one. At least Megadeth didn’t copy “St. Anger,” so there’s that.

Play it again: “Kick the Chair” and “Die Dead Enough,” plus the second half of “My Kingdom” and the final third of “Truth Be Told”
Skip it: Pretty much everything else

13. Th1rt3en (2011)

Mustaine was 50 when this came out, so employing leet-speak for the title and writing a verse about misunderstood teenagers comes off as that “How do you do, fellow kids” meme but without the irony. Anyhow, think of “Th1rt3en” as “ENDGAME” (see below) stuck in second gear. The songs and the performances are forgettable, as the record just plods along for an hour with few highlights. And while this record has Mustaine’s career-best vocals—there’s a striking bitterness in that snarl he hasn’t matched before or since—it’s disappointing that what he’s snarling is comically ridiculous. Here, Mustaine doubles down on the InfoWars-approved talking points from “ENDGAME” with two different songs. How many gold-filled safes do you own, Dave? The title track, though, has the most absurd lyric of any Megadeth album: “Like a severed arm washed up on the shore / I just don’t think I can give anymore.” Don’t give that any thought unless you want an aneurysm. Still, “Th1rt3en” beats the living shit outta whatever the fuck “Lulu” was supposed to be.

Play it again: “Sudden Death,” “Public Enemy No. 1,” and “Never Dead”
Skip it: pretty much the rest of it, and also the lyrics

12. Cryptic Writings (1997)

For their seventh album, Megadeth stripped away 90% of their thrash sound and replaced it with arena rock. In one helluva coincidence, that other band did basically the same thing a year earlier. (Not every decision they made was worth copying, Dave.) The hooks are far less grating than on “Youthanasia,” including Mustaine’s last earworm melody, “Trust.” And while there’s a lotta neat riffing throughout, the lack of thrash metal, or just interesting material, makes this kind of a slog. Worse yet, this is Megadeth’s worst ’90s album lyrically, featuring cringeworthy lines about relationships, betrayal, and drug addiction. Then there’s “My body aches from mistakes,” which is too silly for a commercial jingle about arthritis medication. Credit where it’s due, though: Mustaine was ahead of the curve on “Mastermind.” “Cryptic Writings” is the last album with the classic lineup (Dave Mustaine, David Ellefson, Marty Friedman, Nick Menza), but Megadeth was already kinda disintegrating.

Play it again: “Trust,” “The Disintegrators,” and “FFF” (whose main riff sounds eerily like that Other Band’s “Motorbreath”)
Skip it: “Sin,” “A Secret Place,” and “Have Cool, Will Travel” (yes, that last one’s a Megadeth song title)

11. Killing Is My Business… and Business Is Good! (1985)

On Megadeth’s debut, Mustaine clearly wanted to show off what that other band lost by playing as fast and as techy as possible. The problem is that he kinda sorta forgot to include memorable riffing or melodies or hooks. (Sure seems like his best riffs early on appeared on that other band’s first two albums, huh?) Unfortunately, the energetic playing of Mustaine and Poland is sometimes marred by a somewhat stiff rhythm section. Regardless, the band sprints confidently ahead throughout. Despite being an uneven debut, it’s still worth checking out—especially the 2018 remix/remaster, which cleans up the muddiness of the original.

Play it again: the title track, which might’ve inspired a spree shooter (who was caught before he could carry it out)
Skip it: “These Boots”—why does this exist? It’s supposed to be a parody, but what’s it a parody of? A parody of a metal band doing a parody?

10. So Far, So Good… So What! (1988)

Megadeth’s mostly solid third album is an unfortunate step backwards from “Peace Sells.” It’s their most ambitious to this point, full of technical playing and complicated songwriting, but the songs are less memorable (and sometimes still too stuffed with ideas) than those on its predecessor. The record suffers from brittle and muddy production, too. On the plus side, it’s their most lyrically interesting LP of the ’80s, with Mustaine discussing uplifting stuff like nuclear holocaust, censorship, and depression. It’s also got a fascinating diss song aimed at former bandmate Poland featuring some edgelord-tastic lines: “Your brother’s a gay singer in a stud leather band / Your girlfriend’s got herpes to go with your Hep and AIDS.” “So Far, So Good” inspired the technical thrash movement; as such, it’s one of those albums whose importance overshadows its quality.

Play it again: “Hook in Mouth,” because telling the PMRC to get fucked is righteous as shit
Skip it: “Anarchy in the U.K.”—another (sorta-)ironic cover song? Three albums in a row? Really?

9. Risk (1999)

Ain’t no thrash metal in this one. Here, Megadeth fully committed to arena rock, with far better results than on “Cryptic Writings.” Pairing with Friedman for much of the songwriting, Mustaine offers a set of superbly crafted radio rock songs, featuring strong hooks throughout. The album is filled with a lotta nifty arrangement choices, like the wrist-flick lead guitar of “Ecstasy” during the chorus or the disco bass of “Wanderlust” in the bridge. If you ignore the band’s name on the cover, this is thoroughly enjoyable commercial rock. In other words: this is a good rock record but not a good Megadeth record.

Play it again: “Breadline,” the best rock song that Megadeth ever wrote
Skip it: the two-part closer called “Time” is a bit iffy

8. Youthanasia (1994)

“Countdown to Extinction” got the band to number two on Billboard two years earlier, so of course they were gonna eventually run this radio-thrash idea into the ground. The follow-up to their commercial breakthrough, “Youthanasia” is a weaker version of “Countdown.” Most of the hooks are grating instead of satisfying (looking at you, “Elysian Fields,” “Blood of Heroes,” and “Victory”). The two saving graces are Max Norman’s superb production and mixing, and “Train of Consequences,” which suggests that Mustaine coulda been a successful pop songwriter in another life. Even so, “Youthanasia” as a whole is warmed-over meatloaf, an unnecessary sequel that tries to capture the magic of a surprise success. Think of it as thrash metal’s “The Hangover Part II.”

Play it again: “Train of Consequences,” the catchiest melody Mustaine will ever write
Skip it: the first half of the title track, and all of “I Thought I Knew It All”

7. United Abominations (2007)

For album number 11, Megadeth hit the ‘reset’ button and finally returned to thrash metal. Upon release, “United Abominations” instantly became the band’s finest full-length since “Rust in Peace” 17 years earlier. The band’s then-new lineup—guitarist Glen Drover, his brother Shawn on drums, and bassist James LoMenzo—plays terrifically across the album. Mustaine matches the spritely musicianship with his most political lyrics to date. It’s too bad they’re kissing-your-child-on-the-lips embarrassing: “The UN is right—you can’t be any more ‘un’ / Than you are right now, the UN is undone.” Yikes. That’s about as Boomer-clever as calling it the “Democrat party.” The songwriting here was a bit tentative, but Megadeth would improve musically and lyrically after “United.” The important point, though: their rebirth started here.

Play it again: “Sleepwalker,” because killing people in your dreams is totally metal; “Burnt Ice,” too
Skip it: “À Tout le Monde (Set Me Free),” because it didn’t need to be re-recorded and is a momentum killer

6. The Sick, the Dying… and the Dead! (2022)

Megadeth’s most recent full-length is surprisingly good after 39 years as a band. It’s their most self-indulgent and proggiest effort since “So Far, So Good.” As the title shouts with a megaphone, it’s also their most death-obsessed album. Given that Mustaine was diagnosed with (and beat) cancer, coupled with COVID-19 killing millions, it makes sense. Offering a sharply written, riff-stuffed record played wonderfully, Mustaine demonstrates that Megedeth are alive and well. “The Sick, The Dying” isn’t as lyrically silly as other Megadeth outings, but there’s still plenty to cringe at: fetishization of the military, being an astronaut, and clunkers like “A dope-seeking missile / Scoring and shooting all through the night.” The sub-par writing, though, doesn’t undermine the impressive achievement that this record is. Indeed, it can’t be said that the newest offering from that Other Band is among their top LPs.

Play it again: “Night Stalkers” and “We’ll Be Back”
Skip it: “Célebutante” and “Mission to Mars”

5. Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying? (1986)

Mustaine shoulda waited four months until 1987 to release Medadeth’s second album, “Peace Sells,” because 1986 was the best year thrash ever had: “Master of Puppets” and “Reign in Blood” and “Darkness Descends” and “Pleasure to Kill.” Compared to the former two, this never stood a chance; it was always gonna come in third. Which is unfortunate, because it’s a, ahem, mega-leap forward from “Killing Is My Business.” Upon realizing that not every song needed to be played at hyperspeed, melodies and hooks magically appeared—indeed, the bassline of the title track is so catchy that MTV co-opted it. The musicianship is far superior, as well: “Last Words” by itself delivered on the band’s promise hinted at on their first record. Mustaine was still overcompensating as a songwriter by stuffing too many ideas into a single song, but he’d shed that soon enough. Consider this their first classic.

Play it again: the title track
Skip it: “I Ain’t Superstitious,” another baffling song choice to cover

4. Countdown to Extinction (1992)

Megadeth streamlined their sound for their fifth album, resulting in the best-selling record of their career. In another one of those pesky coincidences, that other Band streamlined their sound for their fifth (and best-selling) album a year earlier. Huh. Setting that aside, “Countdown” is a deeply satisfying collection of radio-thrash songs. Every track has at least one hook—most have multiple—and the musicianship is sleek and tidy throughout. And thanks to Norman, this was their best-sounding record to that point. The only downside: the journey that started here had its logical endpoint at “Super Collider.” Like it or not, though, “Countdown” is among Megadeth’s finest achievements. If you disagree, consider: Mustaine and company haven’t played any record after this in full-on tour.

Play it: the hits, obviously, but also: the “Rust in Peace”-esque “Ashes in Your Mouth”
Skip it: the lyrics to “Psychotron”

3. ENDGAME (2009)

Megadeth’s twelfth outing is what “United Abominations” was trying to be. The songwriting and arrangements are outstanding, with some of the band’s cleverest riffing this century. The new lineup—with guitarist Chris Broderick, replacing Glen Dover—almost makes you miss the classic one. Mustaine and Broderick trade leads like they’re old friends, while the technical and agile rhythm section is excellent. As usual, however, Mustaine’s lyrics are the glaring downside. He’s still writing forehead-slappingly stupid lines like, “My stomach aches from insufficient funds / My cheeks are gaunt, my guts are overdrawn.” Apparently Musaine likes his metaphors like he likes the critical reception to his work—mixed. The lowest point is when he makes a demo tape for InfoWars on the title track, warning people of the NWO, FEMA prisons, chip implants, the whole nine. It’s as unsurprising as it is unfortunate. That regrettable fact can’t deny the victory of “ENDGAME,” however, because it curb-stomps “Death Magnetic.”

Play it again: The whole thing
Skip it: The lyrics to the title track

2. Dystopia (2016)

Megadeth’s post-“Rush in Peace” high-water mark is Megadeth re-reborn. This lineup—Mustaine, Ellefson, new guitarist Kiko Loureiro and drummer Chris Adler—is better than the classic one, and the remarkable musicianship is proof. Adler adds some groove to the sometimes-stiff technical playing of the band, while Loureiro’s solos are consistently flashy brilliance. The songs, meanwhile, are catchy and technical in equal measure. “Dystopia” is simply a joy to listen to. If you made it this far, you can guess what the album’s drawback is. This record has Mustaine’s ickiest writing. InfoWars-esque paranoia and cynicism envelop the proceedings, with “This planet’s become one big spinning disaster” being the thesis statement. Elsewhere, his right-wing shithead writing mourns “the decline of western civilization,” worries about “a culture made of cover-ups,” and mistakes the trolling of a FEAR song for valid complaints. It’s a bummer that Megadeth’s second-best album might’ve explained and justified Trump’s appeal. Whoops.

Play it again: Yes
Skip it: the painfully MAGA-ian lyrics

1. Rust in Peace (1990)

Megadeth’s world-beating fourth full-length is a collection of firsts: it’s their first without an ellipsis in the title, their first professionally-sounding record, their first with the classic lineup, and their first (and only?) quintessential work. Its technical riffs are somehow earworm-catchy. The rhythm section is marvelous. Ditto the soloing. Best of all, Mustaine finally figured out memorable songwriting and composition. These songs are expertly constructed, with arrangements that are smarter than Ben Shapiro imagines he is. And Mustaine’s lyrics, thankfully, improved to decent. Here’s how he describes addiction: “A snake you were when we met / I loved you anyway / Pulling out your poisoned fangs / The venom never goes away.” After 33 years, “Rust in Peace” remains Megadeth’s premier record, a towering work they can’t and won’t top. Here’s proof: if it were possible, they’d have done it by now.

Play it again: Of fucking course
Skip it: no goddamn way

How to Spice Things up With Role-Play Without Making It Obvious That You’ve Done Improv

Posted on by Tim Sheard

So you’re seeing someone new, and it’s been going great! Except for one thing: your chemistry isn’t as strong as it was during the honeymoon period. You both decide to bring some spicy new ideas into the bedroom to recapture that passion, and you’re thrilled! But when your partner suggests role-play, you’re slightly less thrilled.

What your partner doesn’t know is you’ve devoted the majority of your adult life to competitive improv. They think you go to the bar every evening after work, but you’re really going to rehearsals. Your partner is starting to suspect that you’re an alcoholic, and sometimes you wonder if it would be easier to admit that instead of what you’re actually doing.

One fateful evening, when in the heat of the moment I blurted out “new choice!” while switching positions. A few weeks later, I came home and all of her things were packed. The divorce papers soon followed.

Want to avoid making the same terrible mistake? Here are some tips to ensure that your partner never picks up on your improv background while role-playing:

1) Come Up With Unoriginal Ideas

When they ask what characters you’d be into roleplaying, make sure to pick really generic occupations. Some safe suggestions include a doctor or a fireman. Do not suggest Commedia dell’arte stock character, Pantalone, as this will be a dead giveaway.

This also applies to the scenarios that you choose: try to pick the most unfunny situations you can think of. If your partner accidentally leads the scene astray into a potential comedic goldmine, don’t panic. Instead, take a deep breath and firmly say “Instead, let’s roleplay as two scientists answering questions at a press conference about climate change.”

2) Consider an Unconvincing Accent

Try performing an accent badly to throw them off. You can take this even further by doing an exaggerated cockney accent for every character they suggest. They want you to be a suave southern gentleman? Cockney accent. Italian lover? Cockney accent. Chimney sweep? Okay, a cockney accent might not seem out of place there, so I’d recommend performing that one entirely in mime just to be safe.

3) Avoid Improv Terminology

This one might seem obvious, but you might be surprised how easy it is for incriminating phrases to slip out in the heat of the moment.“Yes, and” still does apply here, because consent is important. Aside from that, it’s best to exclude all other improv talk from the bedroom.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

-Do not ask the audience for suggestions, even if there is actually an audience.
-If they say they want to warm up, they’re referring to foreplay. Do not suggest a game of “zip-zap-zop”.
-For the men: when you become physically aroused, do not say “I’m more upright than the citizen’s brigade”.
-Before climaxing, do not shout “I’m getting Del Close!”

Well, there you have it. Will your partner eventually find out about your improv habit? Probably. But that’s a future problem, and this is now. And if I’ve learned anything from improv, it’s the importance of staying present in the moment. Incorporate these tips, and I guarantee that your relationship might potentially last slightly longer than it wou have otherwise. Break a leg!

Aging Punks Bond Over Which Upcoming Shows They Won’t Be Able to Attend

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A group of local punks in their 30s and 40s spent much of their time discussing and bonding over the growing list of shows that they will not be present for, sources close to the scene confirm.

“I was telling the guys that Jeff Rosenstock will be in town in a couple weeks, but I have a wedding to go to the night before,” said Devin Jones, 35-year-old father of one. “Joe said his company was doing inventory that week, so he needed to get to bed early. Nick’s kids play sports, so he’s always running to a practice or a game. Claire said she might go, but she said that when PUP was on tour last year she canceled at the last minute because of a migraine. Turns out we all have a lot in common. I think we’ll be lifelong friends who meet up once every few years, if all goes well.”

Mike Avery, an older guy who seems to be at every single show in the city, said that he has noticed his peers’ tendency to flake out on shows.

“You spend fifteen, twenty years getting to know these guys, only to find out they’re total posers,” said Avery, who had just finished complaining about modern smoking regulations. “I thought we all made a commitment to this lifestyle, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I got kids, but not when Rancid is in town, you get me? They can make all the excuses in the world, but they’re just phonies. I heard Devin even has a 401(k).”

Sociologist Phillip Mansfield explained that the reasons older punks give for missing shows don’t always paint the whole picture.

“Sure, it’s possible that they’ve got a real scheduling conflict — a niece’s dance recital, an urgent grad school assignment, or an inability to find a babysitter,” said Mansfield, who noted that he rarely attended shows these days. “Usually, though, the real reason these people aren’t going to shows is that they’re just lame now. They used to be cool when they were younger, but they’ve long since become their parents. They’re not ready to admit this, but they prefer to see their favorite bands on YouTube that someone else posted. The silver lining is that bonding over a lack of show participation is the only way to make friends as an adult.”

At press time, Jones was seen sharing a link to an upcoming show in a group text, adding, “Any interest? I know it’s a work night so no big deal” to which no one replied.

Ten Songs The Cast of “Killers of the Flower Moon” Would Be Listening to This Week If They Were Cool

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

For weeks we’ve been telling you to get your shit together and finally listen to some new music. We’ve been texting you links to tracks that will improve your playlists and relationships with others. All we get in return are “thumbs up” reactions and empty promises of you “checking it out later.” Guess what, asshole. Later is now. We don’t care if you’re busy or if it’s just been a “crazy week, man.” This is serious. People are talking about your horrible taste, and we’re starting to feel lame by association. This will not stand. To help the reputations of all parties involved, we’ve compiled a list of songs that need to be in your queue this very instant.

Blink 182 “Anthem Part 3”

The Anthem trilogy has finally been completed, and all earthlings have been advised to prepare for ascent. This was the final task of Tom Delonge’s secret mission to deliver all human life to the Alien Overlords. Stage One: Infiltration (Anthem), Stage Two: Familiarity Breeding (Anthem Part Two), and finally Stage Three: Reconciliation and Full Scale Abduction (Anthem Part 3). It’s a rather fitting start to a mature reunion album. Of course, subsequent songs in the track list still have several dick jokes and lines about how much Tom wants to fuck your Mom, but in a way that really makes you think about how much older she’s gotten and the fragility of life.

Alkaline Trio “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs”

2023 is nearly over, but if you’ve heard Alkaline Trio’s new single we wouldn’t blame you for thinking that 2001 has just begun. The band has just announced their tenth album, “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs.” It’s their first since Matt Skiba’s departure from Blink-182. Judging by the throwback sound of the newly released title track, he appears to be making up for lost time, delivering a vocal line that wouldn’t be out of place on a “From Here to Infirmary” b-side. They say you can never go home again, but Alkaline Trio seems to be defying that adage in spades with this one.

IDLES “Dancer” ft. LCD Soundsystem

In a recent social media post promoting their newly announced album “TANGK,” IDLES promised the upcoming EP would be “all love songs.” If their new single “Dancer” – which features guest vocals and synth work from LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy and Nancy Whang – is any indication, Joe Talbot and co’s idea of love is more chaotic than our average reader’s past four relationships combined. Unlike the latter, though, this track is a fun ride that demands repeat listens, and likely won’t take a restraining order out on you.

Tigers Jaw “Constant Headache”

Tigers Jaw and Joyce Manor surprise-released a split 7″ this week in which they cover each other’s songs. Both are incredible renditions, but it’s hard to top the former’s arrangement of the latter’s Human League inspired ‘Constant Headache.’ Taking the edges off of Joyce Manor’s rough-and-tumble original recording, Tigers Jaw adds an anthemic power-pop sheen, making it sound even closer to the new wave legends the song’s melody evokes. Putting this one is sure to make you look back fondly at all of the messy hookups of your youth without thinking about how depressing that time in your life actually was.

Snarls “Big Fish”

It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Ohio indie-pop wunderkinds Snarls, whose aptly titled 2020 debut album “Burst” thrust them into the status of one of the most closely watched indie acts of the year, catching even the attention of former Death Cab For Cutie member and producer Chris Walla, who has been working with the band ever since. Their latest Walla produced single “Big Fish” dramatically and gorgeously breaks over a full year’s silence from the group, and it’s clear they’ve been spending the time honing their craft even further, which is more than anyone can say about the year you’ve been having. On the track, lead singer Chlo White repeats the refrain, ‘I’m a big fish, and you don’t even know it yet.’ We’re willing to bet that will only get less applicable over time.

Yardboss “She Was Not Real”

Based on their careening genre spanning sound, we’re not sure which yard Yardboss is actually lording over, but they’re doing it with aplomb. The Dayton, OH quintet has been raising a steady buzz of anticipation following the release of their 2017 EP “We Wish Were Dead ‘92,” with their live shows being touted as ‘the loudest thing you’ll ever fucking hear in your life.’ Needless to say, fans of the band have been chomping at the bit for new songs since the ominous announcement of their debut full-length “No Casket 1993.” The lead single “She Was Not Real” serves to satisfy these yearning souls with three and a half minutes of swirling guitar, driving bass and drums and deliriously washed out vocals landing them somewhere in the realm of shoegaze but not nearly as boring as your pedal-driven band.

Halloween is just around the corner and our Managing Editor is absolutely furious with us for not coming up with a decent enough ‘spooky playlist’ to play in the office. Because we’re pretty sure the skulls she uses to decorate are in fact of human origin, we fearfully hopped to the task and started throwing some Halloween adjacent tracks into the queue. Here are a handful of the highlights that will hopefully keep us above ground for the remainder of the season.

The Lurking Corpses “Werewolf Queen”

We figured that if we didn’t want to be literal corpses, “Werewolf Queen” would be a good way to test the waters. We fired this one up and our fearless – as well as terrifying – leader started howling and flipping all of our desks over. We ultimately took this as a good sign, but were thankful there wasn’t a full moon that night, as the carnage would have been absolutely out of control.

The Mummies “House On The Hill”

If you hadn’t already guessed, our Managing Editor has such a discerning taste, it’s almost a fault. We weren’t sure how this was going to go. When she found the intern who suggested this one, she wrapped them up in medical bandages like a mummy and spun them around in their chair for about five hours on end. Nervously, we gestured toward the speaker and gave her a look that asked “no good?” Fortunately, she responded with a thumbs up and a twirl of her cape signifying that it could remain in the festive queue.

Houseghost “Widdershins”

Look, we get it, this song isn’t actually all that spooky, but the band’s name is literally ‘Houseghost’ and the album cover has jack-o-lanterns on it. We really can’t be blamed for the knee-jerk add here. Our lives are in danger. Sure, we probably could have listened to it before risking the ire of our terrifying boss, but the pressure was on. Fortunately, she actually seemed to like it.

Phoebe Bridgers “Halloween”

At this point, she was pretty riled up from all the excitement and started tearing her office apart in search of an ancient spell book she claimed to have been hiding until just the right moment occurred. We weren’t about to find out whatever the hell that meant, so we had to act fast. Someone in the writer’s room slowly faded in this deep cut from Phoebe Bridgers’ “Punisher” album, and our nightmare slowly began to end. As we rounded the chorus, a small whimper turned into a full on wail as our Managing Editor screamed “NOTHING IS SPOOKIER THAN FEELINGS” for the duration of the song. We slowly snuck as the final notes faded into the darkness.

We understand it’s hard to log into Spotify and type words into a search bar, so we’ve done that for you already in a sprawling, incoherent, and disorienting playlist that you can like and follow by clicking here, unless that’s also too much work for you.

Opinion: Any Venue Can Be an Outdoor One if I Cause Enough Damage to the Structural Integrity of the Building

Posted on by Holden Klym

EVERYBODY knows real shows happen at outdoor venues. Take Woodstock for example, those guys knew what they were doing. There’s a reason why festivals like Woodstock, Live Aid, and Glastonbury are still remembered while the house show I went to last week isn’t: It’s because they were outside. No one would give a rat’s ass about Woodstock ‘94 if there hadn’t been all that mud–And getting all that shit indoors would’ve been a logistical nightmare. Taking in the scenery and being one with nature is the only way to experience live music. You wanna know why?

If the show is outside, I can smoke as many cigarettes as I want. You know how many cigarettes I can smoke inside? Fucking zero. Do you know how many times I’ve been shit on by a bird or stepped in some other animal feces at an indoor show? Not zero but the number is a hell of a lot less than outside. The only way to rectify my local scene is to do what all these venues are too scared to do: literally blow the roof off of the place.

In fact, I’ve already started. I was removing one ceiling tile every night at my local dive bar, since they don’t have the money to replace them. However, about two weeks in, someone saw me adding to my stash of tiles in the trunk of my car and I got banned. So, then I started taking a more efficient approach and broke the skylight at a house show. That still wasn’t enough for me though–-So I got my buddy and a hammer and we just went fucking crazy on the roof.

Surprisingly, people were not pleased to find the show now taking place in a venue without a roof. Don’t they know anything about culture? Fucking posers. Because of this, I had to get out of there–and fast. I skipped town that night and haven’t looked back, despite my landlord demanding I still pay rent as if I’m not on the run.

It’s fine though–Once I gain enough trust in my new city’s scene I’ll be able to get right back to my plan.

Metal Band Wishes They Could Be As Loud As Guy Adjusting Chair In Coffee Shop

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Area metal band Blood Fuel was left reconsidering their group’s future after hearing a man adjust his chair in a coffee shop at an ear-shattering volume, local business sources reported.

“Metal bands talk a big game about how loud they are, but no band, not even the heavyweights like Slayer and Mastodon, can match the eardrum-hemorrhaging screech of a metal chair dragged against a coffee shop floor,” said Blood Fuel guitarist Tatiana Turner. “We were having a quick caffeine stop before our Saturday rehearsal when we heard what sounded like a cargo plane crashing into a Superbowl halftime show, or one of those Pacific Rim robots getting a colonoscopy. Turns out it’s just a guy with his earbuds in getting up to take a piss, completely unaware that he was the reason three different babies in the shop were now crying. The weirdest part? No one there seemed to care except us.”

Shop regular Bob Calf was not aware that his chair adjustment was so loud.

“I come here everyday; sometimes to work, sometimes to buy wine and sometimes to pretend the baristas are my friends even though I won’t tip or remember their names,” said Calf. “People put off by the sound of me adjusting my chair simply haven’t been to enough coffee shops. They aren’t quiet places. There’s a constant white noise of bullshit randomly broken up by the sonic equivalent of a deaf elephant live commentating a rocket launch. If you don’t have at least some PTSD after finishing your coffee, then the regulars there aren’t putting the work in.”

Audio Engineer Al Bradley confirmed that the chair scraping was louder than any known metal band.

“I was skeptical of what Blood Fuel told me at first, but I have since confirmed that the sound of someone moving a chair in a coffee shop is the loudest sound known to man,” Bradley said. “Krakatoa registered about 172 decibels. The average shitty little metal stool adjustment easily reaches around 200 decibels, which shouldn’t even be possible. When a guy with airpods does it, the sound can reach nearly 250. I actually lost two of my sound techs and all hearing in my left ear while testing this.”

At press time, Blood Fuel was researching ways to incorporate a tile floor and a metal chair into their next studio session.

Ska Legends Mustard Plug Team Up With AdamAndEve.com for Worst Merch Idea Ever

Posted on by Tim Sheard

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Legendary ska act Mustard Plug are combining forces with adult products behemoth Adam & Eve to collaborate on the most obvious merch item possible, disgusted sex toy buyers noticed.

“Everyone knows ska fans are almost exclusively into assplay, so teaming up with Mustard Plug to create a yellow, mustard-bottle shaped butt plug that can also store 8 ounces of your favorite condiments makes perfect sense,” said Evelyn Liddow, spokesperson and Head of Ska Outreach for Adam & Eve. “I’ve personally been trying to work with Mustard Plug for years and they finally gave in. We worked closely with the band on designs to create a toy known as The Mustard Plug. It features an extra-wide flared base, so you can skank to your heart’s content and not worry about losing your new merch purchase.”

The members of Mustard Plug expressed some initial trepidation to the possibly controversial butt plug collab.

“It’s really hard to make money in music anymore, so after years of ignoring Adam & Eve’s emails, we finally let them do their thing,” confessed Mustard Plug founder and singer Dave Kirchgessner “Apparently it’s already Adam & Eve’s 489th best selling item ever. I have no idea if that’s good, but we’re just about spare Rabbit batteries and just below some off-brand spermicidal lubricant. I’m glad our fans seem to really be enjoying The Mustard Plug, but please stop fucking sending us videos of you using it while listening to ‘Mr. Smiley’ in the background. We still have to play that song live; I don’t need flashbacks.”

Economists familiar with the music industry offered their take on unorthodox merchandise collaborations.

“Collaborations with ska bands rarely work out; it took Home Depot years to sell through their Big D & the Kids Table patio sets and they did so at a loss,” opined Renee Carter, small business financial advisor at Goldman Sachs. “I don’t see The Mustard Plug faring much better, but it’s already selling better than Restoration Hardware’s Streetlight Manifesto lamp line. Maybe the ska world’s obsession with anal stimulation will buck the trend.”

In honor of the collaboration, Adam & Eve have announced Mustard Plug Week, where all orders over $25 get a free pair of black-and-white checkerboard thigh-high nylons.

Ten Underrated Albums From Pure Noise Records That Your Parents Will Hate And So Will You

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Before we begin, The Story So Far, State Champs, Four Year Strong, and Chicago are all way too big to be considered underrated for the sake of this top ten most underrated Pure Noise Records LPs piece. Disagree? It’s cool. There’s more than brain pain here, but we guess you have to learn to love the lie whilst your mouth is full of dirt/soil. Anyway, Pure Noise Records was founded by Jake Round in the year of our lord known as 2008, which also epically showcased the brilliance of Sarah Palin and her Alaskan backyard. PNR has been going quite strong since then, and currently has quite a, uh, stronghold on the scene and even formerly The (literal) American Scene. We know in advance that you hate this piece, Pure Noise Records, yourself, and the idea of a happy existence. Enjoy this alphabetical list piece, or all shall perish.

Action/Adventure “Imposter Syndrome” (2022)

Let’s start with a really, really new release: Chicago, Illinois’ Action/Adventure puts the Slash in Guns N’ Roses, and the adventure in “Adventures in Babysitting” in the best, albeit not comedic, or, wait for it, without levity. Yeah. Anyway, that new fangled Tiktok may have assisted the band in getting to where they are now, but their killer live show and even better songs are what keeps ‘em here.  Chicago may be so two years ago, but 2023 belongs to A/A, regardless of whether the band has imposter syndrome or not. Spoiler alert: They shouldn’t.

 

Born Without Bones “Dancer” (2022)

Fans of mid-’90s alternative like Jellyfish, Superdrag, Fountains Of Wayne, and Gloria Gaynor would jump all over Born Without Bones’ fantastic LP “Dancer,” but we doubt that most of you punks heard of this record, let alone the bodacious band. Like Action/Adventure and the yet-to-be-mentioned Moon Tooth, Born Without Bones released a fantastic album in 2022, countering your lie that there haven’t been any good albums since 1997’s The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ breakout “Let’s Face It” record, containing the hit, “The Impression That I Get” and several alcoholic bugs whose days are numbered because they’re stuck in regal oil. Milford, Massachusetts is so much more than freaking Milford pink granite, and Born Without Bones substitutes the “pink” for “punk” when describing said coarse-grained rock. If you dig this one, check out BWB’s “Baby” album despite the fact that it isn’t a PNR release.

Can’t Swim “Fail You Again” (2017)

Hey, Amy, but not Amy Fisher, this act is easily the best band name here, or even in the “scene” as a whole, and Keansburg, New Jersey’s Can’t Swim deserves your clothes, more than fifty million dollars, Amy, and your love, which never fails to be loving for lovers of loving love. If you’re reading this, you likely know about this rad band already, and you’re not a kid who is a hater of hating hate; you’re truly stranger than fiction and you won’t sleep until a big idea is placed right beside Molly’s desk, or inside her kiss kissable lips that are soaked in incesticide. Like the band we just alluded to, the two-thousand-and-seventeen piece Them Crooked Vultures, Can’t Swim is a grungy powerhouse in a life jacket world. Thankfully they’re still going strong, even if all of the moves they make are in the dark.

Forever Came Calling “Contender” (2012)

We’re up to the oldest entry here, and we’re still shocked that Forever Came Calling’s short, short LP “Contender” is not only a decade old, but that it didn’t cause the band to get to heights that non-label pop-punk peers Neck Deep, Man Overboard, We Are The In Crowd, and The Make-Up climbed to around this time. Debuting for many during 2010s very telling documentary on Warped Tour’s “No Room For Rockstars,” FCC showed that bands from regions that aren’t populated near “A” markets can still succeed or “succeed” as long as they hustle hard, and Pure Noise Records quickly nabbed the act after this feature came out. Moral of the story: Don’t kill yourself at all, or especially to shock your friends, read Charles Bukowski’s controversial book “Women,” never stop learning, regardless of how difficult life gets, and you’ll be better, we promise, unless you’re not.

Gnarwolves “Gnarwolves” (2014)

Gnarwolves’ self-titled debut is a perfect LP for those who like their punk rock with a slice of gruff/a plate of dirty melody. Sadly, the band only made one record after this and split up just one year after “Outsiders” was released. We still think that the band was doomed from the start because of their goofy name, which worked in Hoobastank’s favor, but the British wolves sadly had to stay at the gate, and the reason is you; bad name, everybody’s fault. Still, we love power trios, and you should revisit this tight/concise record, which turns ten next year, if you haven’t spun it in a bit. If not, please check out this ten-song studio album. In closing, if you want to hear what it would be like if A Wilhelm Scream covered Microwave, listen to track four, “Bottle to Bottle,” right this very minute.

Just Friends “Nothing but Love” (2019)

And now for something completely different: The first ever “Sad Summer Tour” was populated by pop-punk/pop-rock bands such as The Maine, Stand Atlantic, Mayday Parade, and so many more. Surprisingly said festival also included the funky AF party band with a killer song horn section to end and/or start all bashes known as Just Friends. Opening their LP “Nothing But Love” with a phone with some Wackadoodle sounds called “1-800-Chop-City,” the JF crew let its listeners know that Daniel LaRusso endorsed this band way before we all learned that he is a dick in “Cobra Kai”; sick flex, Johnny Lawrence and Terry Silver. Originally released in 2017 through Counter Intuitive Records, current home to Retirement Party, Origami Angel, Skatune Network, and The Kinks, Pure Noise Records snagged JF, and re-released “Nothing but Love” one year later; Dublin is not just in Ireland, y’all!

Moon Tooth “Phototroph” (2022)

Long Island technical legends Moon Tooth made lunar objects appropriate benchmarks for a band’s proficiency, prowess, positivity and insert adjective starting with “P” here. Originally on Modern Static Records, the label that launched The (insane in the most glorious way) Callous Daoboys, PNR picked up the band, gripped the ridge, carried us home, and here we are today, gentle people without any blues, death wishes, back pain, or Allen Ginsberg’s original edition of “Howl at the Moon(tooth)”. “Phototroph” will appeal to both fans of Annie Leibovitz’s work and nutrient dense edibles from Manhasset’s Whole Foods Market, also home to North Shore University Hospital and obnoxious, deplorable, unforgivable, and silly accents. Inferior publications worldwide agree with us regarding this particular record, and whatever esteemed music critics write is gospel and you should be ashamed if you disagree in any way, shape, form, or sun.

Seaway “Big Vibe” (2020)

We can’t really blame Canada and its provinces as a whole if you missed this record, but can certainly spout vitriol towards your lack of brains. Anyway, Oakville, Ontario’s Seaway is one of the more underrated bands in the rock and roll for your soul world, and have three other LPs to speak of that aren’t “Big Vibe,” and ALL of ‘em deserve your affinity and loyalty towards. Formed twelve years ago, Seaway bonded through friendship in the face of adversity, severity, strife, and disappointment in the form of going through high school that felt more to them like a jail cell, or even a penitentiary, together, and such bond shows in the giant aura of “Big Vibe”. We hope and long for a follow-up sooner than later, as 2020 is forever still blue, and 2024 is going to be a wild thing in the form of Ricky Vaughn.

Spanish Love Songs “Brave Faces Everyone” (2020)

Originally on Southern California’s Wiretap Records, and the now-canceled A-F Records, LA’s Spanish Love Songs released their third LP “Brave Faces Everyone” via Pure Noise Records to much critical acclaim, but its sales should be much, much higher, and if said mention here gets them at least one more stream, then our job is done or just starting. The fact that an indie AF record spawned THREE singles is quite an accomplishment whether or not you enjoy Latin lustful tunes, and honestly, said album could’ve had one or two more songs highlighted here. Fun fact: This album spawned a more electronic rendition just two years later called “Brave Faces, Etc.” two years later and said reimagining should entice many ardent/future SLS fans.

UnityTX “Ferality” (2023)

Let’s end with the newest release from this very year of our lord: Operation Ivy said it best, “Unity, as one stands together. Unity, evolution’s gonna come to Texas in the form of a ruckus!” Yeah, knowledge. UnityTX’s debut LP “Ferality” hit DSPs just one month ago, and successfully quenched the band’s fans’ thirst for a full-length studio album after several sick, sick, sick singles and EPs. For those that like their metal music with a cacophonic combination of hip-hop, solid grooves, impassioned screams, and the AEW by way of WCW grappler Sting, “Ferality” is for you and the IWC. Speaking of wrestling, Dallas isn’t just a Page, but it’s a city that rocks quite hard, and UnityTX proudly rep their state in their band name like pop-punk forefathers Fenix TX, but not NYC legends Texas is the Reason. No fake luv here, just roc sh!t.

Help! I Got a Vanity License Plate But I Still Hate Myself

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

It’s no secret that many of us struggle with our mental health and self-image. I’m no exception. While we might hope that a new hairstyle or some other cosmetic adjustment will boost our confidence, the unfortunate truth is it’s more complicated than that. For instance, I recently purchased a vanity license plate for my car, but it completely failed to diminish my seething disdain for myself!

Now, some consider vanity license plates to be tacky, but I beg to differ. They are expressions of one’s steadfast individuality, broadcast in clever shorthand to an audience of fellow commuters and passersby. What could be a better way to prove to the world—and myself—that I have inherent value?

Of course, making this change wasn’t easy. My first six submissions were rejected, for reasons ranging from “Indecency” to “Obscenity.” But I finally got one approved. And I, ACAI BB, was ready to take on the world.

I deliberately headed downtown during rush-hour traffic, wanting to share my new plate and soon-to-be-surging confidence with as many people as possible. Well, I think a lot of people saw it. But the reaction wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. Nobody honked in appreciation or gave me so much as a friendly thumbs-up at a red light.

Frustrated, but not defeated, I decided I’d go to Whole Foods. Well, more specifically, to the Whole Foods parking lot. Surely there I would meet people positively tickled by my free-spiritedness and expressed love for antioxidants. But while I did hear some comments directed towards me, they were more along the lines of “Is she just sitting there?” and “the fuck is an ‘achy baby’?”

I’m not saying I expected a license plate to solve all of my problems. But I thought this would make me feel a little better about myself. If I’m being honest, I think it made me hate myself even more. I don’t even like Acai berries all that much. And even if I did, it’s a pretty fucking stupid thing to put on a license plate. What’s wrong with me?

Nonetheless, I’m holding onto some remaining shreds of hope. Once I get my replacement plate, reading “Ween Diva“, things’ll really start looking up.