LOS ANGELES — Alkaline Trio announced their latest album “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs” and confirmed that all the songs where Matt Skiba takes the lead are about alien abductions and juvenile references to masturbation.
“I’ve felt like my songwriting has really matured over the past few years,” said Skiba while getting his lip pierced. “I’m no longer interested in writing songs about drugs, dismembering an ex, or the Manson Family. I guess that comes with age, but right now most I’m working on the lyrics to a song about farting at a funeral and it smells so bad the corpse pukes. Dan (Andriano) is still writing songs about heartbreak and regret, but I have three songs about aliens with huge butts, and then three more songs about how jerking it is my favorite hobby. I’m hoping I can eventually crack the code and write a song about masturbating aliens, but I’m not quite there yet.”
Some longtime fans believe Skiba’s change in tone is what led to longtime Alkaline Trio drummer Derek Grant departing the band.
“I know a guy who used to work with an ex-girlfriend of Derek’s second cousin so I have it on good authority that while writing these new songs he was under a lot of pressure to play more like Travis Barker,” said Lyle Collingwood, a moderator of two different Alkaline Trio Reddit pages. “Skiba was also insisting that Derek start dating a Kardashian or someone ‘equivalent’ before the next touring cycle or he would be removed from the band. Right now it’s all hearsay, but this does explain why Derek got the Cadillac logo tattooed on his chest last year.”
Industry experts explain that Skiba’s behavior is not unexpected.
“Alkaline Trio is an extremely popular band, but they never reached the heights of Blink-182 and you can’t blame him for trying to copy the formula,” said music historian Andrea Gomez. “Mr. Skiba has already been spotted wearing chunky Vans shows, Hurley shirts, and large khaki shorts around town. He has also started crowdfunding for his own alien research organization, and reaching out to as many ex-members of the CIA as he can find.”
At press time, the band announced “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs” will be renamed “Take Off Your Pants and Jacket Part 2.”
Photo by IllaZilla.