So you’re seeing someone new, and it’s been going great! Except for one thing: your chemistry isn’t as strong as it was during the honeymoon period. You both decide to bring some spicy new ideas into the bedroom to recapture that passion, and you’re thrilled! But when your partner suggests role-play, you’re slightly less thrilled.
What your partner doesn’t know is you’ve devoted the majority of your adult life to competitive improv. They think you go to the bar every evening after work, but you’re really going to rehearsals. Your partner is starting to suspect that you’re an alcoholic, and sometimes you wonder if it would be easier to admit that instead of what you’re actually doing.
One fateful evening, when in the heat of the moment I blurted out “new choice!” while switching positions. A few weeks later, I came home and all of her things were packed. The divorce papers soon followed.
Want to avoid making the same terrible mistake? Here are some tips to ensure that your partner never picks up on your improv background while role-playing:
1) Come Up With Unoriginal Ideas
When they ask what characters you’d be into roleplaying, make sure to pick really generic occupations. Some safe suggestions include a doctor or a fireman. Do not suggest Commedia dell’arte stock character, Pantalone, as this will be a dead giveaway.
This also applies to the scenarios that you choose: try to pick the most unfunny situations you can think of. If your partner accidentally leads the scene astray into a potential comedic goldmine, don’t panic. Instead, take a deep breath and firmly say “Instead, let’s roleplay as two scientists answering questions at a press conference about climate change.”
2) Consider an Unconvincing Accent
Try performing an accent badly to throw them off. You can take this even further by doing an exaggerated cockney accent for every character they suggest. They want you to be a suave southern gentleman? Cockney accent. Italian lover? Cockney accent. Chimney sweep? Okay, a cockney accent might not seem out of place there, so I’d recommend performing that one entirely in mime just to be safe.
3) Avoid Improv Terminology
This one might seem obvious, but you might be surprised how easy it is for incriminating phrases to slip out in the heat of the moment.“Yes, and” still does apply here, because consent is important. Aside from that, it’s best to exclude all other improv talk from the bedroom.
Here are some examples of what I mean:
-Do not ask the audience for suggestions, even if there is actually an audience.
-If they say they want to warm up, they’re referring to foreplay. Do not suggest a game of “zip-zap-zop”.
-For the men: when you become physically aroused, do not say “I’m more upright than the citizen’s brigade”.
-Before climaxing, do not shout “I’m getting Del Close!”
Well, there you have it. Will your partner eventually find out about your improv habit? Probably. But that’s a future problem, and this is now. And if I’ve learned anything from improv, it’s the importance of staying present in the moment. Incorporate these tips, and I guarantee that your relationship might potentially last slightly longer than it wou have otherwise. Break a leg!