Press "Enter" to skip to content

Metal Band Wishes They Could Be As Loud As Guy Adjusting Chair In Coffee Shop

CHICAGO — Area metal band Blood Fuel was left reconsidering their group’s future after hearing a man adjust his chair in a coffee shop at an ear-shattering volume, local business sources reported.

“Metal bands talk a big game about how loud they are, but no band, not even the heavyweights like Slayer and Mastodon, can match the eardrum-hemorrhaging screech of a metal chair dragged against a coffee shop floor,” said Blood Fuel guitarist Tatiana Turner. “We were having a quick caffeine stop before our Saturday rehearsal when we heard what sounded like a cargo plane crashing into a Superbowl halftime show, or one of those Pacific Rim robots getting a colonoscopy. Turns out it’s just a guy with his earbuds in getting up to take a piss, completely unaware that he was the reason three different babies in the shop were now crying. The weirdest part? No one there seemed to care except us.”

Shop regular Bob Calf was not aware that his chair adjustment was so loud.

“I come here everyday; sometimes to work, sometimes to buy wine and sometimes to pretend the baristas are my friends even though I won’t tip or remember their names,” said Calf. “People put off by the sound of me adjusting my chair simply haven’t been to enough coffee shops. They aren’t quiet places. There’s a constant white noise of bullshit randomly broken up by the sonic equivalent of a deaf elephant live commentating a rocket launch. If you don’t have at least some PTSD after finishing your coffee, then the regulars there aren’t putting the work in.”

Audio Engineer Al Bradley confirmed that the chair scraping was louder than any known metal band.

“I was skeptical of what Blood Fuel told me at first, but I have since confirmed that the sound of someone moving a chair in a coffee shop is the loudest sound known to man,” Bradley said. “Krakatoa registered about 172 decibels. The average shitty little metal stool adjustment easily reaches around 200 decibels, which shouldn’t even be possible. When a guy with airpods does it, the sound can reach nearly 250. I actually lost two of my sound techs and all hearing in my left ear while testing this.”

At press time, Blood Fuel was researching ways to incorporate a tile floor and a metal chair into their next studio session.