42-Year-Old Man Can’t Masturbate Until He Finds His Readers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PELHAM, N.H. — Local husband and father of two Randy Carlisle regularly misplaces his reading glasses, inhibiting his ability to view pornography clearly, sources confirm.

“I waste a lot of precious time looking for my glasses while my wife and kids are out of the house,” said Carlisle. “I get very few opportunities to have alone time, so I’m pretty devastated when I can’t find my readers. Usually I wind up running out of time and just watching blurry blobs gyrating while listening to the audio. It’s not an ideal situation, but it gets the job done. I should probably order a dozen pairs of reading glasses on Amazon and keep them in strategic places because this seems to happen pretty often. Better throw in a few more bottles of Jergens to be covered on that front as well.”

Carlisle’s wife says she hides his glasses on purpose.

“I know what sick shit that pervert gets up to when I’m out. Apparently after decades of using the internet he still doesn’t know how to clear his browser history,” said Andrea Carlisle. “In the past few years he’s been too ‘tired’ or too busy playing PS5 to have sex with me, so I do my best to ruin his little goon sessions. Sometimes I’ll hide his glasses to fuck with him a little bit. I’ve got some other techniques I use to frustrate his efforts as well, such as adding a little sand to the bottle of Jergens he keeps in the bathroom closet. Lately I’ve been putting in a few drops of ghost pepper oil as well.”

Scientists at Neuralink have good news for pornography enthusiasts with poor vision.

“In a few years, people won’t even need eyes to consume porn,” explained researcher Ian Coxon. “With Neuralink’s brain-computer interface implant, the smut will bypass traditional input organs like eyes and ears and will be transmitted directly into the subject’s sensory cortex, enabling an unprecedented level of immersion. Our chimp test subjects have taken to it so enthusiastically that they’ll often forgo food and sleep to prolong their ‘gooning.’ Several have actually died of dehydration, which we could prevent in human users with an IV drip.”

At press time, Mr. Carlisle had driven himself to urgent care after inexplicable burns appeared on his sensitive areas after “moisturizing” with Jergens lotion.

Oh, You’re a Mountain Goats Fan? Name 325 Songs

Posted on by Brett Olsen

I’d like to play a game, and you probably know the drill by now. If you’re really a Mountain Goats fan, then you should have no problem naming 325 songs, right? No pressure, but every second you pause to think, John Darnielle is writing another three songs — tick, tock.

This goes without saying, but No Children doesn’t count — everybody knows that song, and the point of this exercise is to prove that you’re not like everyone else by rising above the unknown metrics of my rigid judgment. 

I’m not trying to be “that guy” whose gatekeeping comes across as misogynistic, so I want to assure you that this has nothing to do with your womanhood and everything to do with the prolific John Darnielle. His discography has guided me through my awkward, adolescent years to my insufferable, adult existence, which is now your problem. This Year also does not count.

Mountain Goats deserve a certain level of reverence, which was lacking when you were minding your own business in a Goths era t-shirt. Have you even listened to, then memorized, All Hail West Texas? This was meant to be a softball question, considering you are desperately trying to check out at Target.

“Ridiculous?” How do you figure? According to a quick Google search, they have between 500 and 700 songs. 325 seems like a layup given their vast catalog, which is now teetering around the 800 mark, according to this notification I just received. Surely a true fan could name forty percent of their accomplishments?

Considering you’ve got most of your groceries loaded without naming a single song or even making eye contact with me, we should probably just drop it. I didn’t mean to come off so passionate, and I doubt you meant anything by that shirt.

Quick shot in the dark, but is there any chance I could grab your phone number? No? Well, Up The Wolves doesn’t count either. 

Punk Goes Through Humiliating Process of DMing Promoter for Show’s Address

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

LOS ANGELES — Local wannabe scenester Jeremiah Buford is currently going through the soul crushing embarrassment of DMing a promoter for the address and details of a show, grimacing bystanders reported.

“Jesus Christ, this is so embarrassing. I’m a 34-year-old man with a corporate job, two kids, and $35,000 of student loan debt, why am I spending 30 minutes trying to perfectly craft a cheerful yet equally nonchalant message to figure out where the fuck this fuckass band is playing?” said a queasy Buford. “I feel sick to my stomach. What if the promoter takes one look at my Instagram profile and ghosts me? I’m deleting all my selfies from 2013 and dusting off my skateboard to post some reels of me skating so I look cool. Oh fuck, I don’t know if I should send this at 11:00 a.m.. Maybe I should wait until a cooler time like 11:03 a.m.”

The show’s promoter, Julien Costello, seemed irritated by the seemingly innocuous line of questioning.

“Yeah, bro. It’s honestly kind of pathetic how desperate some of these people are. Just because you’re a huge fan of this band, want to support the local scene, and have already paid $20 for a ticket doesn’t give you the right to know the address of the show. Like, get a fucking life idiot,” spat out Costello, ignoring their buzzing phone. “And honestly, it’s hard enough being a promoter. I’m responsible for spreading the word of the show. It’s not my job to make sure people know where the show is. Whatever, I’ll just set up an auto reply that’ll send out the address 20 minutes after the opener starts.” 

The band playing the show in question, Bear Back, also expressed concerns with this weird ritual taking place in their scene.

“What the fuck are we even doing? Whose idea was it to gatekeep our shows when at our last show, there were more people smoking weed in the bathroom than in the crowd?” said a distraught Evan Ester. “Why are we being hush hush with the details? They don’t even tell us, the fucking band playing, where we gotta unload! Like, tonight, we just drove around this industrial area until we saw some dude smoking a cigarette on a metal chair and assumed we were in the right place.”

At press time, Costello announced his latest show through a series of cryptic crosswords, puzzles, and mazes on his Instagram page.

Report: America’s Primary Source of Education Fun Facts on the Sides of U-Haul Trucks

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

SANTE FE, N.M. — A recent study revealed that America’s primary source of education has been reduced to fun facts on the sides of U-Haul trucks, sources report.

“Due to deep educational budget cuts across the nation, Americans have been forced to seek out educational material from non-traditional sources,” said Jane Lochner, the study’s head researcher. “At first, we hypothesized people would be watching YouTube videos to educate themselves, but it turns out most people who watch educational YouTube content on nature, physics, or space are incredibly high, and don’t really retain any of the information they ingest. We also discovered, to no surprise, that books are simply too long and boring for most Americans—which is where U-Haul trivia enters the equation. They’re short, digestible, entertaining, and according to our study, America’s greatest weapon in the battle against ignorance.”

The participants were eager to weigh in on the study. 

“My fun fact is that U-Haul nuggets fucking rip,” quipped Brandon Williams, a participant in the study. “I mostly liked the one that talked about all the poisonous snakes in the American Southwest. As a proud Bostonian, I didn’t even know the Southwest existed. I thought the map just kinda ended once you got to Pittsburgh, so learning there’s way more states, and snakes, was cool. For the last year, I’ve been writing all the factoids I see in a note pad. The drivers behind me hate it, but I don’t care. Because education is the bedrock of a functioning society, and my country needs me. Even if it means coming to an abrupt stop on the highway during rush hour. I just hope one day they’ll come out with a fun fact about getting visitation rights to your kids. That would be awesome.”  

U-Haul representatives are ecstatic about the study’s findings. 

“We couldn’t be more proud to play a vital role in the education of this great country,” said U-Haul Director of Community Outreach, Peter Snodgrass. “U-Haul is a pillar of the community, specifically the moving/education pillar, and we look forward to helping ambitious Americans learn more about the world they live in. Even as we speak, we’re partnering with the Teachers College of Columbia University to create a U-Haul fun fact curriculum. Manatees, atoms, carnivorous plants, it’s all in there. Because we don’t want Americans to think of us as just a moving company, but rather a fleet of mobile encyclopedias that also helps you move couches and stuff.” 

At press time, Snodgrass was offered a high-level position within the Department of Education. 

Lockheed Martin CEO Takes Bite of Drone 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

BETHESDA, Md. — Lockheed Martin CEO James Taiclet recently released an Instagram video of him taking a bite of a Vectis Combat Drone during his lunch hour, confirmed sources. 

“I love this product, we’re going to do a tasting here. I’m going to have this drone for lunch,” said Taiclet, seated at a Lockheed break room table with a Coke Zero and a giant drone in front of him. “We have tested this already on schools, hospitals, and weddings all over the world. And now for the most important test: the taste test. Sure, it could use a sesame bun, but at Lockheed, we’re not picky with our unmanned aerial vehicles.”

Warehouse Foreman George Maxwell said it wasn’t the first time he’s seen their CEO on the premises.

“He’s in here sometimes. Occasionally, I’ll see him taking a bite out of a new missile recipe. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him eat a drone though,” said Maxwell. “I don’t eat any of the drones myself. I don’t think any of the other guys do either. I usually have something leftover that my wife made for dinner. If I don’t have leftovers I usually have a sandwich or something. Never a drone though. Too many carbs.”

Lockheed Martin Communications Director Brittany Shamlock was on hand to oversee the video shoot. 

“It’s important to jump on these trends when they’re out there,” Shamrock began. “I’m fresh out of Vanderbilt where I studied mass communication and I know when the CEO can get out there, show their personality, and eat a weapon of mass death as a meal, it’s something you’ve got to do. Jim is so down to earth and grounded. He’s a father of daughters. It’s so fun to see him let his hair down! This is what the public doesn’t see every day. A man who gets up, drops his girls off at school, and then makes weapons to bomb schools just like that overseas. It’s special.” 

At press time, Taiclet made an appearance on “Hot Ones” where he tasted bombs with increasing levels of spice.

Success Story? Man Finally Makes Enough Money To Have His Health Insurance Taken Away

Posted on by Dom Turek

After countless years of shoveling shit, kissing corporate asses, and innumerable acts of self-betrayal, dejected data entry clerk Thomas Brock was beginning to think it was all in vain, but not so fast, Brock. As older, wiser data analysts before him have said, “don’t quit five minutes before the miracle happens.” 

It’s a good thing he heeded their advice, because two weeks after he’d secretly vowed to quit his job, move to a fishing port off the Florida coast, and spend more time with his wife and kids, his job gave him a pay increase so impressive that he and his family lost their health insurance. Welcome to the big leagues, buddy. You finally made it. 

Sure, the increase in salary comes with longer hours, which means there will be less time to spend with his rapidly aging dog, and almost no time for hobbies, but sacrifice comes just before greatness. If keeping up with the Joneses means switching your daughter’s prescription inhaler for a generic one that looks like a kazoo, then so be it. With your new pay raise, you’ll be able to afford an air purifier from Sharper Image that will make her forget she even has asthma.  

When wait times go down, and he gets a representative on the phone (which should happen any minute now), he and his family will be switched from the meager “Essential Plan” to the “Gold Plan.” Finally, a plan with some balls and insignia. Before you ask, yes, the premiums are astronomical, the benefits minimal, and the only in-network dentist is technically a veterinarian, but the new plan has the word “Gold” in it, and isn’t that what matters most?

This is just the beginning for Brock and his family. If he stays with this company five more years, he’ll get another pay increase and be eligible for the “Platinum Plan,” which only one other person in the office has. Unfortunately, the exclusive plan doesn’t cover ophthalmology visits, but once you’re able to afford an inground pool with an artificial grotto, your kids will barely even remember that their Dad wears an eyepatch now. 

Black Metal Band Wouldn’t Have Burned Down Church Had They Known It Would Distract From Priest’s Latest Abuse Allegations

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MOBILE, Ala. — Members of black metal band Christspearer found themselves regretting setting fire to St. Mark the Evangelist’s Catholic Church after realizing doing so had detracted from abuse allegations against its priest, Father Ronald Mayhew, sources report.

“We really need to do more research before we do this shit,” said frontman Alex “Razael” Rodriguez. “We shouldn’t have just run out and burned down the first church we saw. Now there’s a pedophile priest who might evade justice just because everybody’s attention is now focusing on the fact that his house of worship is a pile of ash. Now there’s probably going to be a big outpouring of community support to raise funds for his parish, with fucking bake sales and shit like that. He’s going to end up so much better off than he would’ve been had we just left his church alone.”

Mayhew was obviously relieved to see his workplace destroyed.

“When I showed up to the church this morning, it was like that last scene in ‘Office Space,’” Mayhew said while wiping his forehead in relief. “There’s like 20 allegations of abuse being lobbied against me, and if I’m being completely honest, they’re all legit. Hopefully that will all blow over, though, as everyone’s focus gets turned to the church being set ablaze. We’re in the South, too, so I can maybe use some talking points from the Satanic Panic about this evil heavy metal band that’s burning churches in some kind of ritual. That’ll certainly keep everyone occupied, at least until I can get moved to another parish.”

Community member Dara Crestfield was upset by the arson.

“I’m pissed off, and not because a fucking church got burned down,” Crestfield lamented. “I couldn’t care less about that, but now everyone in this town is going to be up in arms about it instead of trying to get that awful priest arrested. Couldn’t that band have been satisfied just taking some pictures in the forest while wearing corpsepaint, or even killing each other and wearing their skulls as jewelry? There were a ton of other things they could’ve done to prove how evil they are. We just gave this robed creep free reign to keep up his horrible behavior against the people he’s supposed to be guiding and protecting.”

At press time, Catholic Church leaders were hoping for this to happen at several thousand other places of worship around the world.

ICE Agent Getting Impatient With Leniency Towards the Irish and Italians

Posted on by Jose Balderas

NEW YORK — Newly minted ICE agent Jake Barnes was overheard complaining about the agency’s ongoing leniency towards Irish and Italian residents, confirmed sources.

“It’s not even about meeting our daily quotas but I just think we’ve gone too far ignoring the fact that there are tons of Irish and Italians running around this city who think they belong here!” said Barnes while eating a calzone at O’Sullivan’s Pub. “They want us to clean up America but our pool of candidates to pick up off the street is diminishing. We can only keep picking up the same Puerto Ricans until management thinks we’re slacking off! What happened to the America that also saw the Irish and Italians as unwelcomed? That’s the America I want to get back to!”

Coworker Rodolfo Barrera believes Barnes is being influenced elsewhere.

“Since he joined the agency a month ago he always wants to talk about ‘Peaky Blinders’ and asks everyone if we’ve seen it,” said Barrera. “But none of us have and he keeps talking about how we need to beat up the Irish and Italians like on that show but when we asked him why they do it he said he’s only seen the previews. He’s actually really good at stopping people of color but you can tell he’s not enjoying it. He threatens everyone with deportation back to Dublin which, honestly, sounds like a reward more than a punishment.”

Department of Homeland Security recruiter Jennifer Luera detailed how they try to prevent an agent from disobeying orders.

“We have lots of agents who are very eager to go above and beyond their required duties currently assigned and while we love the motivation to clean up America we don’t suggest they go outside of their current missions,” relayed Luera. “Historically, our agents aren’t well-equipped to fight anyone of Irish or Italian descent so they have strict orders to only question and detain anyone at least 10 years older than them, preferably female, and ideally too old to put up a fight. Our insurance package will not cover injuries sustained while on the job and we have no doubt they would lose a fistfight 9 times out of 10.”

At press time, Barnes was seen releasing an undocumented Canadian from custody after confirming with another ICE agent that Canada is in the United States.

What, So Carving “Slayer” Into Your Forearm Is Normal, but Carving “Toad the Wet Sprocket” Isn’t?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The nineties were a great time as far as iconic rock tunes were concerned. We couldn’t turn on our radios without being bombarded with catchy choruses over major-chord arpeggios, and we were better off for it. There’s no shame in being a die-hard follower of our favorite bands of the era, which leads me to wonder why carving “Slayer” into your forearm is normal, but carving “Toad the Wet Sprocket” isn’t.

Seriously, double standard, anyone? Why do thrash metalheads get a free pass to act self-destructively while alternative rock fans are expected to comport themselves in a more socially acceptable manner? Just because I’m not as enthused to air guitar the solo to “The Antichrist” doesn’t mean I’m not a music nut who’s willing to spill blood to show his fandom.

Speaking of which, this is a lot of blood. Maybe I should’ve been a little safer and gone with an acronym instead of the full band name? At the very least, it would’ve probably been a good idea to clean the knife before putting it to my skin. Just grabbing a dirty one out of the sink was admittedly a rookie move. I have no fucking clue what this thing was just used on, but it must’ve been something with a lot of bacteria, because there’s an awful lot of pus coming out of the wound, which is a drag because it’s starting to obscure the lettering.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Toad the Wet Sprocket. Sorry, I’m just starting to get a little lightheaded. “All I Want” is a stone-cold classic, and you’re lying to yourself if you’re pretending it hasn’t brought you to tears at some point in your life. It certainly has for me, and whether said tears are the result of Glen Phillips’ soulful crooning or my arm rapidly succumbing to what appears to be a rather serious infection remains to be seen. The only thing I know for certain is that there’s absolutely nothing weird about the action that brought me to this place.

But I digress. I think I’ve made my point perfectly clear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better nip this problem in the bud and get some antibiotics. It’s only been about a week since I had to get the Better Than Ezra brand on my bicep looked at, so the gang down at the MedExpress will probably remember me.

Study Confirms ‘Two Beers In’ Even Better 12 Beers In

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic midwest emo anthem “Two Beers In” is even more enjoyable after 12 beers, confirmed sources. 

“As the Midwest’s premiere academic institution, it’s an honor to be a part of this culture-defining discovery,” quipped Northwestern University researcher Sarah Planter. “I was born and raised in Peoria, so my friends and I grew up listening to American Football and Cap’n Jazz. We always knew midwest emo fucked, so we turned to science and Anheuser-Busch as a way of helping others enjoy the genre that shaped us. According to brainscans and magnetic imaging, we can conclude with certainty that one of midwest emo’s greatest hits gets even better the more fucked up you are. We encourage all readers of the study to try this at home for themselves. Don’t forget to drink irresponsibly.”

One of the study’s participants isn’t shocked by the findings. 

“I’ve always suspected it sounded better the more hammered I got, so it’s cool the scientists were able to prove I’m not just imagining things,” said participant Brett Billings. “After the first few, I just started singing the chorus louder. Then after like eight, I started my own solo mosh pit. But after drinking the whole 12-pack, I started crying and wishing I had been a better partner to my ex. That was awesome. The study also helped me understand the song’s subtle artistry. Because when they sing about having two beers, it’s actually foreshadowing for having a shit ton of beers, and I think that’s beautiful.”

Other researchers are eager to weigh in. 

“We’ve all heard anecdotal evidence surrounding the idea that substances can enhance a music listener’s experience. So from an empirical perspective, it’s truly incredible to have proof that these claims are true,” said Johns Hopkins professor Moira Dabney. “Back in the day, we used to just give hippies a few tabs of LSD, send them to a Phish concert, then ask them how it was afterwards. And while I’m ecstatic to read the study’s findings, I’ve learned that as a result, the school has pulled funding for a new study where we’d give cocaine to people at a Municipal Waste show. Which, speaking scientifically, is a total bummer.”

Since publishing, the study has met criticism from other researchers, where many have suggested that a dozen beers isn’t nearly enough to fully study its effects on the listener.