New Nick Cave Album Testing Well Among Skeletons Who Play Themselves Like Xylophones

Posted on by Mike Civins

LAS VEGAS — The new Nick Cave album “Wraiths of a Crooked Burial” is outselling all of Cave’s previous work with an overwhelmingly positive response from skeletons who play themselves like xylophones and other spooky creatures of the night, according to sales data and focus groups.

“We couldn’t be happier with the reaction. In fact, we’re as happy as Mr. Cave is sad,” said Eileen LaMacchia, VP of A&R at Cave’s label Goliath Records. “This album is easily the favorite of the ‘only-boned’ as well as single-sheeted ghosts, prescient fortune-telling owls, and numerous species of bats. We haven’t had a chance to get a focus group of vampires quite yet because those bloodsuckers are part of our core group of executives signing new bands. If things slow down we hope to play it for them soon.”

This acclaim from skeletons who enjoy playing along to Cave’s music is a beacon of hope for an otherwise beleaguered industry.

“You’d think someone like me would enjoy 2016’s ‘Skeleton Tree,’” shared Boney McSillyshake, a local skeleton who often does choreographed dances with his three identical fans in a graveyard. “When I hear Cave’s brooding voice and surreally personal lyrics I can’t help but drag my fleshless forearms across my rib cage like some horrific Hieronymus Bosch inspired washboard. Heck, if it’s a faster number I’ve been known to play my own skull like some kind of calcified conga drum.”

Cave himself has welcomed the acclaim from these new supernatural audiences as critics have often likened his musical style to the equivalent of a cemetery in a suit.

“I can’t overstate my appreciation to fans my boneyard fans. I’ve never been one to cater to expectations, so it’s wonderful to hear I’m still able to connect with new music lovers from all walks of life and death, especially since my music has been described as what you hear in a creepy old mansion where someone is watching you from behind an old portrait painting,” said Cave from his tour hearse. “Based on the success of this last album I’m heading back to the studio with my longtime songwriting partner Warren Ellis and to write a double-LP concept album that is told completely from the perspective of a big spooky spider that can play its web like a guitar. Oh, and get this, he’s also friends with a family of dancing worms. It’s gonna totally rule.”

Cave is reportedly navigating Hollywood once again with a grisly hyperviolent film adaptation of the popular novelty song “Monster Mash” where “everyone dies.”

Opinion: We Need A Disney Princess Who Used To Be A Ska Kid

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

The times are changing rapidly, and so too are our expectations of representation in popular media. That’s why I firmly believe that we need a Disney princess who used to be a ska kid, and we need her now.

The world has had enough of the standard Disney princess who lives in a castle, wears a pretty dress every day, and wasn’t a loser in middle and high school. Drivel like that only resonates with one particular demographic of children: ones who can’t skank for shit.

Young rudegirls never see themselves portrayed on screen, and this is very limiting for them. They need to know that when they grow up, they can be more than a merch girl or a roller derby star.

Can you name even one princess who’s checkered the toes of her Converse with a Sharpie, or bought a pin from a band with a name like Skaardvark or Skarmesan Cheese? No, these princesses are too busy making eyes at Prince Charming, or coming to terms with the death of a parent. Hell, I doubt any character in a Disney movie has ever supported their local ska band, except maybe some of the villains.

Disney needs to recognize and reciprocate all of the support Ska has shown for them. Think of all the countless ska band names that are Disney puns. There’s Skaladdin, Skalice in Wonderland, The Skaristocats, 101 Skalmatians, and Pickitupahontas, just to name a few.

If Disney would return any of my emails, they would know that there are endless story options for this princess. Maybe she renounced ska long ago, but it’s calling to her, and she yearns to skank again. She’s resisting the call because her family insists that ska is dead. Then a prince comes along who says he’s a rudeboy, and she falls for him, but it turns out the extent of his ska knowledge is the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Save Ferris plays at the prom, and the princess is devastated.

Look, I’m not going to write the whole movie for free, but obviously the princess ends up educating the prince about first and second wave ska, her family realizes that ska isn’t dead (it just went underground), and we fade out on Save Ferris playing at the prince and princess’ wedding.

Maybe Disney thinks it got close enough to ska representation with “Newsies,” and I’ll concede that’s a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough. Today’s rudechildren need to see themselves in adult princesses whose lives revolved around ska in the early 2000s.

The cry is growing stronger, and Disney cannot continue to ignore us. The ball is in their court, and they need to pick it up pick it up.

Jodie Foster Actually Kinda Digging New John Hinckley Track

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES – Legendary actress Jodie Foster admitted that former presidential-assassin-turned-musician John Hinckley Jr.’s latest folk single is surprisingly decent, worried friends reported.

“He came on a little strong in the ‘80s so it was hard to appreciate his work, but I’ve grown to become more patient and mature so I can see the merit in his songwriting,” said Foster, who is considering investing in Hinkley’s upstart Emporia Records. “He knows how to write a decent melody, and God knows he has a unique life experience to draw from. I’m curious to see what he releases next. Let’s just hope we wait until Trump gets re-elected until he makes another grand gesture for me.”

John Hinkley Jr., now a musician with a popular YouTube channel, is attempting to move beyond the sordid past chapters of his life.

“I’ve done some things in the past that I regret and can’t take back, like embarrassing myself with a very public crush on Jodie Foster and missing my shot at her, so to speak,” said Hinkley, whose fanbase consists largely of ironic left-wing punk weirdos. “So if people decide they like my music, that’s just swell. I just want everyone to focus on the music. And if Jodie really said she likes it, I guess that’s cool or whatever. No sweat off my back. It probably doesn’t mean she’s madly in love with me.”

Anthony Fantano, the internet’s biggest music nerd, offered a more measured critique of Hinkley Jr’s music.

“The production is subpar at best — these are bedroom recordings that should probably stay in the bedroom until John can figure out how to add some tasteful reverb and mixing into his songs,” said Fantano, who is regularly targeted by Kendrick Lamar superfan assassins. “None of the songs would have been considered unique in 1965, let alone today. But since I don’t want to die, I’m going to throw on the yellow flannel and give this a 10/10. Album of the year, right here.”

Hinkley Jr.’s parole was reportedly in jeopardy after rumors leaked that he rented box office bomb “Hotel Artmeis” starring Foster, violating the rules of his probation.

We Tried Doing Drugs While On Drugs To See How Drugs Affected Our Drugs Drugs Drugs Dadrugs

Posted on by Stephen Bell

When many people think of drugs they think of this scary boogey man that has no social benefits. Of course, some drugs can’t be trusted. However, we found that mixing drugs with your drugs can really help you do drugs in a way that helps you achieve the maximal benefits from drugs.

Today we got some drugs from that place where drugs come from. Somewhere in non-descript southern drug country. The natives there called this drug “droogs” and would use it to improve their ability to communicate with their drug dealer. Traditionally when people in wherever this came from would do their drugs they would smoke them. You can also make a drug oil that drips into your eyeballs, inject it, butt chug it, eat it, go on a date with it, or snort it.

Because we’re cool, we decided to do these drugs while also doing drugs to see if there was some sort of combinatory effect. For that we created this special combination bong/needle/bowl/parachute/tincture/vaporizer that allowed our drug amalgamation to be delivered using all three states of matter and several theoretical ones that were proposed to exist by scientists who were on cool drugs.

OK so let’s just take a hit and ach mein Gott ich kann durch Zeit und das All sehen! OK holy fucking balls my brain banana is ready to get ingested by the galactic weasel during the thirtieth day of lent. I’m detecting some subtle tones of cherry and the chartreuse wall painting my brother gave to me when I was -10 years old. It’s very clear that this is only illegal because it exposes the truth of the military industrial complex’s ties to Chuck E. Cheese. I really need to find my skin now.

The medicinal benefits of drugs, in particular when mixed with drugs, is exponentially drugs. Furthermore, drugs could drugs if a wood drug could do drugs. Research is showing that drugs is drugs and cool people party and do drugs and shit, and tribalism and the singularity. Mushrooms is drugs and plants as well, which was done by Mesopotamian priests. All drugs and no comedown make Jack a high boy.

Anyway there you have it folks. Mixing your drugs with drugs is the best way to do your drugs drugs drugs da drugs. I’ll pray that this telepathic transmission reaches my editor safely. Don’t trust the vaccine.

Arch Nemesis Decides to Wait One More Song Before Telling You Band You’re Enjoying is Christian

Posted on by Peter Woods

INDIANAPOLIS — Your arch-nemesis allowed you to enjoy the majority of a record by a band you did not realize is Christian and plans to inform you of your horribly embarrassing mistake after the next song, confirmed local authorities are who are decrying as “deeply cruel.”

“Years of plotting is about to finally pay off,” said your enemy Eddy Snakewielder as he alternated from twirling his mustache to rubbing his hands together. “I’ve sat in the shadows as you gleefully listen to …And Death Shall Flee From Them without any idea that they are all Bible-thumping whack jobs. But I’m not quite ready to spring that awful news, I want you to really soak them in before I tap you on the shoulder and casually say ‘you know these guys are Christian, right?’ I will then watch as the will to live drains from your face and your every pore fills with the agony of this realization!”

Snakeweilder went on to cackle maniacally for the next ten minutes.

Although you continue to be completely unaware of your enemies scheming, others have tried to bring your attention to the band’s Christian identity.

“They have solid riffs, but something isn’t sitting right with me,” said longtime friend Marsha Arroyo. “Like, why does this singer make prayer hands in all their band photos? And who is ‘the big guy’ that the record is dedicated to? And last time they played around here it was at a teen center called ‘Crossroads?’ It just feels off. At first, I thought they might be Canadian, but then I saw they were from Salt Lake City and it all snapped into focus.”

After hearing of the impending disaster, music experts have made numerous statements warning you about the severity of this incident.

“This may sound like hyperbole, but there is literally nothing more devastating in life than this,” said Sylvia Andrews, a professor of Cultural Studies and Ethnomusicology at Georgetown. “Even people who have lost between one and three limbs routinely say they would rather lose another limb than realize that a singer was quoting the bible over a sick riff. It’s no joke.”

At press time, sources confirmed that you thwarted your foe once again by answering a phone call before he could reveal the band’s faith, then went home and completely forgot what that band was named or sounded like by the next morning.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling

Posted on by Matt McInerney

KEENE, N.H. — Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved, long-suffering sources confirmed.

“So I’m out to drinks with my co-worker, Larry, a black guy. We’re sitting at the bar and we decide to get dinner, so we flag someone down,” Miller recalled, to the grimacing faces around him. “This waiter wanders over, ends up being an Indian fella. Oh, and it wasn’t even an Indian restaurant. So we’re walking to our table when Larry trips and knocks over another table! Food goes everywhere! Nice Hawaiian lady helped us clean it up though.”

Lilly Miller-Tisch, his daughter, explained that this is a part of every anecdote no matter how unrelated race may be.

“I just can’t get him to stop. Every tale has to include racial footnotes. Sometimes awkwardly specific too. Like, did he ask that lady what her race is? Also, he’s just naming countries now?” Miller-Tisch stated. “Anyway, I’ve tried explaining that these details aren’t relevant to his stories, like how he never mentions ‘a white guy.’ I’ve tried convincing him a real raconteur would tighten it up a bit. Once I even tried shushing him at every mention, but it was too agonizing. The whole time he looked like he was holding in a sneeze.”

“Don’t get me started on mom. She does this too but it’s more like she’s bragging. She’ll throw any identity into a story. Don’t worry, you’ll find out she has a transgender friend soon enough,” she added.

Joseph Beauchamp, a professor of literature and mythology, knows this is common amongst dad stories throughout time.

“Dads have been doing this for ages, this is nothing new. In literature, we see this in works like Othello. Shakespeare, a dad himself, just called one character ‘the Moor’ the entire play. Mark Twain… I won’t even get into that,” he shuddered. “We’re just lucky this didn’t happen more. The Bible, for example, wasn’t written until at least forty years after Jesus’s death. That was authored almost entirely by dads. Had the account been fresher in their memories, they probably would have remembered to repeat that he was Middle Eastern a few hundred times. This is surely why modern dads think Jesus is a white guy.”

At the time of press, Miller-Tisch overheard her father whispering ‘Portuguese’ as if he thought maybe that was offensive.

California Sober Now Includes Mushrooms, Ketamine

Posted on by Amanda Russel

BERKELEY, Calif. — An elite panel of alternative medical professionals announced that the common identifier “California Sober” is being expanded to include both psilocybin (magic mushrooms) and ketamine (Special K, K).

“This is a great day for the California Sober community. For years we have been limited to relaxing with just weed, but now we have more options and our horizons can be infinitely expanded across dimensions,” beamed Dr. Milton Altonwhite. “We trust you will use Ketamine and Psilocybin mushrooms safely and in moderation. I think we can all agree that mushrooms are both natural and safe as long as you have a babysitter, and that Ketamine is just an incredibly important experience for us all to have. What’s a party without some K? From now on if you use either or both substances, you’re still California Sober. You’re still in the clear! We are here for you and with you!”

Among attendees at the press conference was Willow Greenwater, noted sobriety coach and impassioned advocate of the California Sober lifestyle.

“I am so, so excited especially for the K,” she remarked. “K is so much safer and more natural than alcohol. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you — plus, drink too much alcohol, and you leave a path of destruction and ruined relationships behind you. What happens when you do too much K? You end up sitting in the corner in a K-hole, staring at the wall for hours? A K-hole never hurt anybody. And mushrooms, we all know mushrooms are natural, and they are so fucking important, for both opening the mind and helping you have spiritual awakenings.”

The great stride forward is not without its skeptics, however.

“People are just calling anything sober these nowadays,” scoffed recovering addict Charles, a dedicated member of both NA and AA for the last decade. “The word doesn’t mean fuck about shit anymore. I’m a recovering meth addict. I wasn’t going around calling myself ‘flyover-state small town sober’ or some shit.”

Greenwater, on the other hand, went on to explain how she is embracing this expansion of the term because she can’t call herself a sober life coach in good faith, and not be sober herself.

“I get up in the morning, sprinkle mushrooms on my avocado toast, rail some K, and drink my coffee, just like any other self-respecting Californian. This is progress and I’ve got a business to run.”

Opinion: Downton Abbey Ruined an Entire Generation of GILFs

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, I am an incel. And, yes, I know that’s “very 2017” of me. But facts are facts! As an incel, one of the few things I have in my love life is my fantasies. Specifically, fantasies about GILFs. But even these meager fantasies have been dashed since a plague was cast upon the world. A plague that the elderly have been the most susceptible to. No, not covid. Downton fucking Abbey.

Downtown Abbey has ruined an entire generation of GILFs with their glamorization of the elderly girlboss who fucks. Off-camera, I assume.

I need my GILFs to be as unsullied as my virgin bush-whacker. But Downton Abbey is filled with characters like Isobel Crawley and Lady Rosamund Painswick who not only tolerate but support lewd behavior betwixt the sheets. Under the battlements of Highclere Castle, no less! These GILFs set a terrible example for legions of impressionable grandmothers, which is making it really hard for me to “crank up the drawbridge” if you know what I mean.

Shows like Downton Abbey have turned what would otherwise be pristine and noble GILFs into, and I’m sorry for using such a crass term, frivolous charlatans. Between their obsession with aristocratic class hierarchy and glamorization of fancy dinner tables, the line between TikToking zoomers and GILFs (the real greatest generation) has faded into oblivion.

Thank God for Violet Crawley, the “countess of shade,” who fervently defends tradition and modesty at all costs. Her snark conservatism gives me hope that at least some GILFs out there still have a strong moral compass. I hope to one day find a Violet of my own so we can settle down and build a family that we can later tear apart if their values differ from ours. What can I say? I’m all about that trad-life.

Maybe the lesson here is that things change. People change. Society changes. We can either dig our trenches and fight tooth-and-nail for the past or we can adapt and change with the times. Maybe people like Violet and I are out of touch. Maybe it’s time to accept that our expectations of romance and relationships aren’t how the real world works. Or maybe I’ll just go back to jerking off to The Golden Girls.

Real New Yorker Folds Pizza Bagel in Half Before Eating

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Lifelong Manhattan resident Tony Greare made it widely known that the proper way to eat a pizza bagel in the Big Apple is to fold it in half before consuming, sources who gathered around to watch him perform a live demonstration confirmed.

“That’s how the Italians used to do it in the 19th century, so that’s how it’s done in the tri-state area today,” said Greare before adding that Bagel Bites aren’t real pizza bagels because they were invented in Florida. “Every single oven-based snack in New York City has a highly specific and slightly unorthodox way to get them from the plate to your mouth. And if you fail to abide by these explicit directions, your entire dining experience will be riddled with side-eyed glances from total strangers. Personally, I wouldn’t be caught dead eating mozzarella sticks Chicago style. Are you kidding me with that?”

Friends of Greare’s not native to New York had a difficult time assimilating to the big city culture.

“They say that if you can eat pizza correctly in New York you can make it anywhere,” said Greare’s casual acquaintance and recent transplant Louis Tribaldor. “It’s so hard though. Just the other day I was ridiculed for eating a pizza bagel one ingredient at a time. I’m sorry, but that’s how we eat them in Appleton, Wisconsin. You know, like a normal person. Regardless, pizza bagels are an iconic NYC food and I really need to get this right so I can eat in public again.”

Regional behaviors such as pizza folding have long fascinated researchers.

“New Yorkers take being a New Yorker extremely seriously,” said sociologist Freddie Slayton. “The sheer amount of effort it takes for newcomers to maintain that metropolitan image is hard work. But honestly, that’s everywhere. Doesn’t matter where you’re from, you’re going to have some particular way of conducting yourself in everyday life that’s completely alien to someone a town or two over. The trick is to make sure everyone knows you do things differently in your hometown and all other ways of completing simple tasks besides the way you did it growing up are unacceptable.”

At press time, Greare dazzled a group of Manhattan tourists by folding a calzone into quarters and shoving the whole thing directly down his throat while adding, “that’s how we do it in the Lower East Side.”

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Separate Art From the Artist: Help Me Convince My Dad To Stop Playing in Bands

Posted on by Eric Navarro

This may be a hotly debated topic but I am personally in favor of separating the art from the artist. Who a person is should have no bearing on the quality of the content they produce. If someone’s art makes you happy then I think that’s a net positive regardless of who the artist is behind the scenes. But that’s a different debate entirely. What we’re here to do is convince my dad to quit his shitty bar band.

This is not a hypothetical debate. This is the literal separation of my father from the clutches of his misguided dreams.

My dad has played in countless local bands over his life, never quite breaking out of the local bar or cover gig scene. It started before I was born and I don’t see a scenario in which he stops. Unless you help me. Let’s figure out a way to remove the good man who is my dad from the horrors of the local band life he’s been putting our family through for decades.

Sure, it was cool when I was a kid. Other dads went bowling but mine was in a band! I mean, it wasn’t great when I’d go to his shows and drunken wine aunts would ask me about my mom, clearly hoping she was dead, but I got to run the merch table so that was pretty sweet.

However, it did get a bit rough by the time I was in high school and he still hadn’t “made it.” He started trying all these gimmicks, hoping one would catch on. You know who looks cool stuffing a cucumber down his ill-fitting leather pants? Not anyone’s dad.

I always swore I’d never be like him and, as an adult, I can say I’ve succeeded. Don’t believe me? Just ask my kids. They’ll tell you I exclusively play ska, which no one has ever accused of being art.

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