So I was reading the newspaper today and I couldn’t help but think, what’s the deal with airline whistleblowers being found with their brains blown out? Was the whistle they were blowing actually a loaded gun? And why is it always a gunshot to the head right before a guy testifies against a major corporation with massive financial stakes? I mean hello, this guy worked for the company for 32 years, he clearly knew a thing or two. Maybe he just didn’t want to write it all down, maybe he thought it would be easier to splatter his brain against the wall of a hotel room, and what’s the deal with those hotel room keys?
Who brings a gun to a hotel anyway? The only way I believe he shot himself is if there’s proof that he accidentally took something from the mini-bar. Have you seen what they change in these things? $15 for a bag of M&M’s! And they have it under alarms and motion sensors. I feel like I’m stealing the Mona Lisa using those things! It might be called a “mini-bar,” but those prices are maxed out. One time I accidentally drank one of the bottled waters next to my bed, I looked at the price tag and it said I’d have to give them my 1970 Porsche 908/03 Spyder, suicide seems like a good option in that scenario.
I suspect some foul play. And why do they call it foul play? Did a bunch of ducks start a pick-up game of basketball before shooting this guy and staging it to make it look like the gunshot was self-inflicted? You have to assume the assassin who carried out the hit is worried. I mean what’s the deal with an assassin’s to-do list?
- Walk the dog
- Grab some bread
- Murder a man with enough information to bring down the world’s biggest multinational corporations
- Pick up Lucy from field hockey
I mean it’s madness, where does it end? I just hope that the assassin didn’t grab anything from the mini-bar on the way out.
What’s the deal with people labeling me a conspiracy theorist for raising a few questions? And what’s the deal with the random letter I got in my mailbox that says “Shut your mouth or you’ll wind up dead too”? And why was it on Boeing letterhead? I mean what’s the deal murder for hire these days? Do you pay up front? Do you pay half and then pay the rest when the guy shows up with a few photos of a dead body? Make sure you tip the waitstaff and if you have information about multibillion-dollar corporations that could destroy their bottom line make sure you stay anonymous.
Coming in dead last is the dumbest cop on the force. This man is the epitome of a class traitor, happily turning down the opportunity to help his community while being the face of law enforcement incompetence in the show. ACAB.
Head of the International Association of Trailer Park Supervisors and Assistant Trailer Park Supervisors, Bernie Sanford represents the meeting point of Capital and the State Monopoly on violence via the right hook, Bernie is a man of profits above people, even raining on the legendary wrestling match between Ricky and the Green Bastard (Parts Unknown), destroying community spirit. No candy for you Bernie.
This man got educated, and instead of using his big fancy school learning to raise the living standards of everyone in the park, he bought himself a Camaro. Ca-Mar-O, serving as an attempt to elevate him above his community and family with this shallow status symbol. Just homemade fuck offs.
A nepo baby who holds open contempt for every member of her community, she even found a way to co-opt the sacred institution of polyamory into her abuse of power with her relationship with Randy and Lahey. All while still taking advantage of the lower prices of trailer living, and its perks. Piss off Barb, your scalloped potatoes are fucked.
This heavy metal dick cares not for his fellow human, holding up the park in the pilot, steering his Corvette as he sees fit, making him both a wild card and a threat to the park as a whole. That leather jacket ain’t fooling anyone you poser hack, and your trigger discipline is dangerous to all around you. Go back to the trees with Sam, you ain’t done evolving yet you dummy. Now Fuck off we got work to do.
Not only is he the face of the military-industrial complex and the only human capable of matching Jim Lahey in terms of liquor consumption, shot for shot, but also a perfect waste of a good stripper name on such a nincompoop. The shit icing on the cake comes in the form of trying to bulldoze the park with a tank, and displacing marginalized people to even worse situations is no bueno for your fellow park dwellers.
Lackey to a Lahey, Candy served as muscle for Barb in the ill-fated season 10, exercising violence on behalf of a capitalist overlord. A player hater all around who dresses punker than she actually is. Serving those in power for your own gain is most certainly not just shitty behavior, but adopting cultural dress without understanding its origins is the dictionary definition of cultural appropriation. Don’t be a henchman, stand on your laurels.
Oh you bet that cocksucker hates his fellow park residents, but not out of malice to the lower classes, just simply as a manifestation of brooding resentment buried deep in Bubbles’ subconsciousness, being what is referred to as a hater. But if we could direct his hate towards the ruling class, and turn him to our side, he could be a powerful ally. STOOPID!
Julian’s one-time cop girlfriend, Erica at least made an attempt to understand the root cause of crime by befriending the boys and attempting to find the source of their criminality. Unfortunately, she ended up arresting her then-lover and his best friend in the least erotic scenario involving handcuffs imaginable, proving that despite any posturing to the contrary, ACAB.
The first dynamic duo on this list, at first the Flappy brothers were introduced offering business opportunities to some recently released ex-convicts, by way of a brick of hash. But then they had to go and spoil it by collaborating with the most selfish characters in the show, while living off the spoils of others as drug dealers who live with their grandma, so their loyalty starts and ends at the robes.
Agents of youthful aggression and agents of the shitwinds, they rain glass hellfire on any and everyone in their vicinity, causing a communal shitstorm for all, so at least they have a good comprehension of direct action. Let’s bet $20 to say that they could harness that youthful energy towards more constructive causes if they start reading books like Julian.
The compassionate mother to Trinity, and on again off again flame to Ricky and almost everyone in the park, she knows the value of community involvement. But let’s not forget that she would have happily sold out everyone in the park for George Green. Do no banging behind the muffler shop.
Corey and Trevor are the type of guys who will sell out to the highest bidder, but generally have a decent sense of morality while being not much more intelligent than a house cat or dog, so you really can’t blame them for following their master. Ironic since both Corey Bowles and Michael Jackson (Canadian Actor) both quit the show over a pay dispute. Regardless, smokes, let’s go.
The once store clerk turned park resident and replacement Trevor, Jacob has more brain cells than Corey and Trevor put together, rendering him able for whatever endeavor comes his way. And he later bornts Ricky’s grandson via his cock, caring for the next generation with or without financial compensation. Not bad for a former meat dick.
When he’s not brushing his big ole cave teeth with a log, he’s soliciting political support with homemade hot dogs or stitching up gunshot wounds of criminals for some extra cash, guaranteeing that they won’t be arrested. A soldier of cave fortune if you ever knew one, he’s no ally, but if you’re in a pinch, return to monkey with this cave troll.
Scooby is in the “private sector” probably because he failed a drug test as a police dog. But with that past, he’s pretty chill and just trying to catch the big fish and smoke a doob afterward. Great Danes just aren’t the aggressive type. Plus, he’s got a partner who totally just wants to log the hours and clock out.
The only crime with Willis is not movin’ and groovin’. The only cop who might detain you for not holding and packing. You might get cuffed, but only if you ask, baby. The only crime against the Village People is using their songs without permission at your rally. That will result in litigation.
Wiggum’s biggest fault is he’s just lazy which is about as innocuous as a cop can get. He’s probably not going to pull you over, or inconvenience you in an any way, because an inconvenience to you is an inconvenience to him. He’s like Chris Christie if his dad wasn’t on Wall Street.
Community policing, cares about the neighborhood, grew up here and never left other than his backing of Regan’s second term and the things he said about [Regan’s] Policy this crime dog’s got a pretty decent track record as far as cops go. Other than time in 1991 he got confused (in dog years he was 87) and took a bite out of a perceived crime, that was not in fact a crime but a small child, and was subsequently sued, thereby ending his career in the public eye
ACAB does not include the NAVY or goth scientists that either defined your style or your sexuality, or both. It’s agreed upon. Although she’s one of the good guys, as a known caffeine addict, Abby may get too jazzed up and muddle some forensics to secure a successful prosecution, but only when she really needs to.
Rick is the cop of the future. It’s 2019 in “Blade Runner,” so surely we’ve advanced to the point of police officers fully upholding the Constitution right? Right? Your rights are probably safe with Rick Deckard, unless of course, you are a humanoid slave, then, do you really have rights? Just hope you don’t look like an android. Maybe slouch more? Try to look normal, but not too normal
Definitely a theme of dog cops being on the chiller side. These guys are led by children but are mostly just there to save lives. There’s no political undertone involved when you’re saving other non-sentient animals from trees. But watch out, catch these boys after a bath and they’ll get the zoomies all over your ass and they ain’t stopping till someone puts a finger in their ass (that’s how you stop dogs from fighting. Did you know that? Look it up).
Although his methods are uncouth and some of his jokes are culturally insensitive, Detective James Carter always tries to solve the mystery. But he was on the Epstein Plane, like a lot. No one’s talking about this. Why was Carter on the plane so much? Was he undercover? Was Jackie there? Is this “Rush Hour 4”? I don’t know about you, but it seems like a hard sell.
His whole thing operating untethered by law, and he’s got the gadgets to bug your whole house. And depending on the era, he’s gonna violate a lot more than your civil rights. A cop with a serious drinking problem and a license to murder with total immunity makes you really wonder how this story takes place in England and not Florida. But hey, you get Phoebe Waller-Bridge to smooth him out and he’s pretty fun to watch.
This guy has resting stop resisting face. Kevin would pull a gun on you for not waving back at him. This jumpy coward would pull a gun on you for you taking literally anything out of your pocket. If you’re wearing a hoodie after 5 p.m. you’re getting a gun pulled on you. If this guy can’t see your hands at all times, gun.
You may not remember this but Harry Potter ends up becoming an auror, a wizard cop. Typical high school hero shit. He’s proven himself to be aggressively stupid and have a temper, which fits the bill. So watch out if you get the blue lights on this broomstick. He’s basically Tim McGraw from the movie version of “Friday Night Lights” to his kid he gave 7 dumbass names to, riding his broomstick around drunk, pulling people over in mid-air telling them about the time he survived the Unforgivable Curse, daring people to do the curse on him, then arresting them when they won’t do it.
The show is in black and white, so that’s all you really need to know. But more than that 1930s-era cop in rural North Carolina, he’s not even going to know what a civil right is. “Miranda Rights? Miranda? Never heard of the broad, but if she knows what’s what she’ll shake a leg back to her boondoggle” is something he’d probably say as he shoved you into a squad car for chewing bubble gum too loudly.
D.W. from the beloved ’90s kid show Arthur, eventually grew up to become a cop. D.W.’s got a little sibling complex and a very active imagination. Alarmingly, her imaginary friend never went away. She’s still imagining her. She’s also imagining you ran that stop sign, and she’s imagining you consented to a search, and she’s imagining you reached for a gun. Let’s just say anyone who isn’t an aardvark should steer clear. She’s taking out some sort of aardvark guilt on the community
Jim sicks his special ops buddy to beat the shit out of you without a trial, collect clues, and secure a conviction. You think he’s gonna give you his badge number? That guy will listen to an entire town’s phone calls, he’s like if the patriot act were privatized and could beat the shit out of you afterward (wait). Jim Gordon is Dick Cheney?
Plants coke for the greater good, this guy’s stock to a turn for the worst in the 2010s and public opinion really soured on him once people realized one “marijuana cigarette” doesn’t contain “as much tar as 100 packs of cigarettes” and that most drugs are fun, and not freely offered like a Altoids. D.A.R.E. Lion is highly likely to “find” drugs in your pocket during a “routine” stop and frisk. D.A.R.E. Lion should’ve been kicked off that cliff in Africa and trampled by wildebeests. RIP Mufasa.
