Are you inundated by the screams of seagulls outside your house wanting revenge for something you said? Are you worried that a Canadian goose is trying to steal your identity and bed your wife? Have flamingoes cyberbullied your son into repeating the 8th grade? I want you to be calm. Take a long pull of a V8 Splash. Because I am the cosmic jester. I am mother and father. I am the sharpened tomahawk that will stop what’s happening with your bird problem, free of charge.
All you gotta do is make the call, and give me your address. I will find the bus tickets. I don’t care where you are. Just give me three days. All I ask upon arrival, as a gesture of friendship, is to hold your hand out so I can smell it. And from there I will get to work.
Through rigorous training in various zoological studies, under the tutelage of neurolinguistic programming experts, I have honed my skills to tailor a fighting style unique to every bird and situation. Emus only respond to violence, and I will discipline them with my hands, my feet, my mouth, and my lead pipe. Ducks are notoriously paranoid and religious, and through the use of some chemicals and black lights, I will manifest an apparition reflective of their guilt. Even parrots, being social creatures, I can DOMINATE using disguises to create a delicate web of lies and seduction that will blackmail them off of your property.
My motivation is driven by a primordial affection for humanity and a desire to alleviate the burdens that plague daily life. The exercise is invigorating and will help me control my type 2 diabetes. This service is a testament. I FUCKING love you and I will protect you. Just make the call. Tell me where you live. TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE.
Learning to play along with the songs you love is a great way to connect with all the emotions you are holding back as hard as you can. Who knows, maybe you’ll get good enough to start a cover band and show everyone how awesome your cover of “Brain Stew” by Green Day sounds. Guitar comes in at number 10 on our list because other than having sore fingertips if you actually take the time to practice, the only thing you’re going to hurt is your ego when you realize your teenager doesn’t want to listen to a 43-year-old man play songs by Mom Jeans while crying at their birthday sleepover.
Frisbee Golf, it’s like regular golf, but for dad’s that like weed. Sure tell us how challenging and exhausting it is, we all know why you’re there though. Great for going out and enjoying the weather when you haven’t left the house for 12 days since you work from home and only eat DoorDash. You’ll make friends with plenty of people who exclusively drink craft beer, wear five-panel hats, and definitely don’t smoke grass like some kind of loser. Your biggest injury risk comes from the tendinitis, also known as Golfer’s Elbow, you’ll get from exclusively throwing the frisbee as hard as you can to impress everyone trying to just enjoy the park. This doesn’t sound very serious but if you’re going to win that 420 foot drive contest you better start investing in stem cell injections, hippie.
Joining a beer league is a great way to make friends, stay in shape, and let out some aggression on people who most likely got divorced last month too. The freedom you feel flying around the ice at top speed while you hit anything you can with your stick will be a much more legal alternative to trying to fight Dr. Ben in the parking lot at his office. If you decide to play Hockey you are going to have to accept that you are going to get hurt eventually. You might think the injury risk here is something cool like getting hit in the face with a stick or a fist, but you’re more likely to end up with a bruised tailbone from falling on your ass since you didn’t actually learn how to skate first. You’ll be fine.
Joining a gym is a great way to improve both your physical and mental health. Exercise can help you to focus your mind, and the high you get from a killer workout will make you feel almost as good as the amphetamines that lace your pre-workout do. Let’s be real though, your legs haven’t seen a workout since you were in college and you don’t want Deb to see you walking funny and accuse you of drinking again. The only muscles you’re going to work out are the ones you can show off with your homemade “No Fear” tank top. Overall, this one is fairly safe. You’ll spend a year seeing improvements until you blow your ACL playing pick-up basketball instead of doing leg day because you “don’t like hamstring curls.” You’ll have to get surgery and will probably never do squats again (like you were going to do them anyway).
Pickleball is one of the fastest growing hobbies for adults since cornhole hit the tailgate scene. Kind of like tennis, kind of like ping pong, and kind of like exercise, Pickleball is a fun way to meet people and work off some of that “irritability” you may be experiencing. There’s nothing like completely dominating a 63-year-old couple who “just wanted to have a good time” on a Sunday morning to get your mind in the right place to handle your upcoming week. Play with caution though, if you don’t roll your ankle and have to use crutches for 3-6 months there is a good chance you’ll need stitches when you catch a racquet to the face for screaming at your partner for getting a THIRD FOOT FAULT IN THREE SERVES, JESUS CHRIST CAROL.
When you’re fit, you’re active, and you’re ready to clear your mind by only thinking of one thing day and night, then CrossFit is for you. CrossFit – also known as “Cross” by these psychos, I mean athletes – will exhaust you enough not to think about Deborah and Dr. Ben going on that vacation next month. CrossFit is generally a safe hobby if you take the time to do the exercises correctly, but let’s be honest, you’re just there to do a couple deadlifts and drink a protein shake. In the 3-6 months you spend doing it you’ll get in the best shape of your life, but you’ll inevitably need surgery after you tear your shoulder doing those weird pull ups.
Paintball is a fun and exciting way to inevitably get arrested for punching a 13 year old. A serious sport of intense simulated combat, paintball is basically Call of Duty LARPing for ROTC kids and dads trying to bond with their kids now that they have unsupervised visits. You will have a blast maxing out your credit card limit on the best upgrades and equipment money can buy, but will face a sharp reality when your lack of cardio causes you to overheat and throw up in the middle of the battlefield while a pack of teenagers ignores you trying to yell “HIT” between heaves. This one will cause you more mental pain than anything when you wind up with a felony after you catch one of the little punks and punch him right in the jaw. Who’s hit now, Billy.
The UFC, Joe Rogan, and Staph Infections, what do they have in common? That’s right, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu! One of the fastest rising martial arts in the nation, BJJ is a self-defense martial art that focuses on the use of grappling and submission holds rather than striking. You’ll love how great it feels to roll around trying to choke someone out, which you have totally never envisioned yourself doing to any medical professionals. While many hail it as one of the fastest ways to get into shape and build confidence, this one will most likely tap you out via staph infection – the unspoken darkness of the BJJ world. Often spread due to poor hygiene, you’ll be at risk every time you and your sweaty buddies decide to roll. While relatively common in the sport, staph infections can have serious and painful long-term effects, and could even kill you, so take a shower you greasy knuckle dragger.
If you loved playing “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” as a kid and still watch Thrasher videos on YouTube then you might think getting back into skating as an adult is a good idea. You’ll have street cred with high schoolers and you’ve always dreamed of being the old-head chilling at the skatepark, just make sure you’ve already met your insurance copay for the year. Skateboarding is one of the more dangerous hobbies you can pursue, and will take one month MAX before you’re calling your ex to let her know you’re in the emergency room because you watched Dog Town and snapped your leg trying to kickflip in the garage. Be careful or the only thing you’ll be shredding are the pictures of you and Deb on your vacation to Gulf Shores last summer.
While you most likely won’t get physically hurt, therapy comes in at number one because you’ll be forced to finally talk about what hurts the most, your feelings. Decades of bottling your emotions has most likely led your mental health to looking like the pit at a Wonder Years show – full of the sad and angsty screaming that makes people ask if you’re still taking your medication. Going to therapy and talking about your feelings is going to hurt more than any other hobby on this list, but let’s be honest, if you see one more picture pop up of Deb and Dr. Ben at your daughter’s soccer game you’re going to get arrested for taking it out on the next barista that spells your name wrong.
