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Concerned Friends and Family Fear Man Has Reached “‘80s Speed Metal Fan” Level of Alcoholism

TORONTO — Family and friends of local man Neil Dupont are growing increasingly concerned for his health after showing signs that his alcohol problem has reached the point of someone who chronically listens to 1980s speed metal bands, several fingerless gloved sources report.

“I don’t get it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard Neil listening to any sort of metal music, let alone anything speed metal,” Dupont’s best friend of 20 years Alan Gorham explained, adding that he usually listened to bands like Counting Crows or Crash Test Dummies. “Sure, he’d have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade or two jamming out to ‘90s adult contemporary once in a while, but before I knew it, he was drinking Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle while blasting Exciter and Agent Steel all day. He never even made a slow transition which is the scary part. One day John Tesh radio, then bam! He’s passing out in his own vomit blaring Razor. I’m very, very concerned for my friend’s health.”

Dupont feels the concerns over his speed metal-induced drinking are blown way out of proportion.

“I don’t know what everyone is so concerned about. I’ve been covering myself in bullet belts and shotgunning 24-ounce cans of beer since I was a teenager,” Dupont stated. “And besides, I don’t have a speed metal problem, I can quit listening any time I want. I mean, I wouldn’t want to because quite frankly, I think I look pretty naturally badass in Pit Viper sunglasses and my Venom shirt that only has three or four puke stains. My friends and family all think I have an issue, but they have the real problem. They all have poser problems if you ask me.”

Experts claim that metal music and its many subgenres can be used as indicators of substance use.

“Everyone has heard of the speed metal level of alcoholics, and the doom metal level of marijuana smokers. But there are some ‘metal genre level’ substance users that tend to fly under the radar,” expert in metal music Angela Bolowitz explained. “One of the worst and most troubling is the black metal-level incel. Some common symptoms are making negative comments on any woman who wears a Bathory shirt online, and starting a one-man band because that same girl won’t answer their DMs. It’s very ugly and nearly impossible to reverse.”

At press time, Dupont was pulled over by the police on suspicion of DWI when in fact, his destructive driving was brought on by simply driving to a Living Death song.