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Just Give Me an Address, and I’ll Scare Your Birds Away, Free of Charge (Guest Column by Gary Busey)

Are you inundated by the screams of seagulls outside your house wanting revenge for something you said? Are you worried that a Canadian goose is trying to steal your identity and bed your wife? Have flamingoes cyberbullied your son into repeating the 8th grade? I want you to be calm. Take a long pull of a V8 Splash. Because I am the cosmic jester. I am mother and father. I am the sharpened tomahawk that will stop what’s happening with your bird problem, free of charge.
All you gotta do is make the call, and give me your address. I will find the bus tickets. I don’t care where you are. Just give me three days. All I ask upon arrival, as a gesture of friendship, is to hold your hand out so I can smell it. And from there I will get to work.

Through rigorous training in various zoological studies, under the tutelage of neurolinguistic programming experts, I have honed my skills to tailor a fighting style unique to every bird and situation. Emus only respond to violence, and I will discipline them with my hands, my feet, my mouth, and my lead pipe. Ducks are notoriously paranoid and religious, and through the use of some chemicals and black lights, I will manifest an apparition reflective of their guilt. Even parrots, being social creatures, I can DOMINATE using disguises to create a delicate web of lies and seduction that will blackmail them off of your property.

My motivation is driven by a primordial affection for humanity and a desire to alleviate the burdens that plague daily life. The exercise is invigorating and will help me control my type 2 diabetes. This service is a testament. I FUCKING love you and I will protect you. Just make the call. Tell me where you live. TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE.