BOSTON — The Solar Eclipse, expected to be visible later today, admitted he got super hard just thinking about how many people would be staring directly at him, sources report.
“I love making an entrance,” the Solar Eclipse said. “I’ve always been a performer, even since I was a kid. I just love the feeling of being on stage, you know? It does something to me. Everyone just staring at me in awe, like I’m a god? The idea of the world just raw-dogging me with their eyeballs is so damn hot. Yeah, look at me, baby. You like that? Put those peepers all over me. I don’t care if you wear eye protection, just soak it all in.”
Local tech bro, Jonathan Heedy, says he’s determined to look directly at the Solar Eclipse.
“Only pussies wear special little sunglasses to look at the Solar Eclipse,” Heedy declared. “I’m not wearing shit. No way I’m gonna walk around looking like a cuck. I’ve been fine for this long, so why not take in the Eclipse like a man? Nah, me and my buddies are gonna grab some hard seltzers and head to the park with nothing but this puffer vest and retractable key card. I’m actually thinking about bringing my binoculars to really get up in there and see what’s going on—as if I were peeping on a sexy brunette while she takes her bra off, completely unaware that I’m hiding in the tree next to her bedroom ‘bird-watching’.”
NASA Chief Scientist, Thomas Grayson, sighed with frustration regarding the general public’s dismissal of safety procedures.
“I’m honestly sick of telling people to stop looking directly at the Solar Eclipse, not just because it arouses the Eclipse, but because of longterm health,” Grayson said. “This type of event can occur a few times every year, and yet, no matter how many times we say this, people inevitably go blind. And this is not just an old wives’ tale. Looking at the intense light from the sun even for just a few seconds can literally cause permanent damage to the retina. Have you ever looked up the spike in eye patch sales on Amazon directly after a Solar Eclipse? Not good!”
The Solar Eclipse released a statement, announcing he will be starting an OnlyFans due to an overwhelming amount of requests from admirers.