Ornithologists Admit They Were “Super Horny” When They Named All Those Birds

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — A group of admittedly “horned-up” and “desperate” ornithologists confessed that the majority of questionable bird names were direct results of their uncontrollable randiness.

“There are three main things to know about ornithologists. We have dedicated our lives to the study of birds, we’re all incredibly horny, and we are all very bad at picking up on flirting and innuendo. The majority of names we’ve invented for various feathered theropods started as failed attempts to hit on coworkers. But they took it at face value and we were too embarrassed to correct them, so the names all stuck,” explained Dr. Nicola Odling. “Great tit, funky American woodcock, rough-faced shag, red-shafted flicker, hoary puffleg. Does that really sound like a list of majestic birds, or crass nicknames and crude sexual acts?”

A previously anonymous whistleblower named Dr. Theresa Adler recently came forward to highlight the depths of the community’s debauchery.

“Ornithology has a history of sexual perversion so sick and twisted it makes those freaky melittologists look like choir boys. In fact, birdwatching originally started in 1901 after a mid-climax Sir Edmund Beswick, founding member of the Richmond Park Ornithological Society, noticed a particularly beautiful goldfinch while getting his old-timey ass munched,” said the anonymous Dr. Adler of Katy, Texas. “This also explains why a prerequisite to earning a PHD in ornithology includes successfully hosting an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-style orgy, complete with bird masks, BDSM, and random bird trivia. Not sure how that’s still legal, but it’s tradition, I suppose.”

Historian Howard Hobbs pointed out that this phenomenon of down-bad scientists is not limited to the field of ornithology.

“Show me any major or minor scientific discovery of the last 1,000 years, and I’ll show you an act of randy desperation,” explained Hobbs. “Some, like the ‘Big Bang,’ are obvious. But others are more surprising. For instance, the legend goes that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity after seeing an apple fall from a tree. In reality, Newton was trying to fuck the apple, but it kept slipping off his hog. And the less said about the many, many times Louis Pasteur got caught raw dogging his neighbor’s dairy cows, the better.”

At press time, ornithologists have chosen to use a recent, post-orgasm refractory period to rename the seed-eating dickcissel bird something way less suggestive.

Weird! All of this Millennial’s Opinions About Pop Culture Align With Chuck Klosterman’s

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s been said there are no such thing as coincidences, and that naturally occurring phenomena can be explained no matter how bizarre it may first appear. So you would have to excuse us in suspending our belief for a moment after we’ve come across one of the strangest occurrences in recent memory.

Behold, the curious case of 40-year-old Matthew Sullivan, whose opinions about western pop culture align exactly with those espoused by writer Chuck Klosterman. We hardly believed it ourselves until we sat down with him. Literally everything that came out of his mouth matches up with what could be found in any given Klosterman essay or personal story.

“I am perfectly capable of forming my own opinions! As far as anyone is concerned I alone have spent years over-philosophizing about the cultural legacy of ‘Saved by the Bell’,” said Sullivan. “Look me in the eye and tell me Motley Crue isn’t the greatest rock band of all time. Sure I haven’t listened to a single song of theirs, but I just have this nagging feeling that it’s true.”

The mind reels! Every opinion he’s formed since the early 2000’s perfectly syncs with a certain bespectacled best selling author and columnist. It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that Sullivan is a secret Klosterman clone, or perhaps that they literally grew up with the same pop culture references. That or there’s some spiritual mind meld occurring that requires the intervention of a medium.

“Why does everyone think I’m copying him? Sure, it’s possible I may have glazed over an article or two of his. And yes, it appears all of his takes on philosophy and culture resonate with me on a spiritual level like no other. But I swear I figured out that Radiohead predicted the events of 9/11 song by song on ‘Amnesiac’ at least three or four days before ‘Killing Yourself to Live’ was published.”

If we didn’t know any better, Sullivan clearly absorbed Klosterman’s entire school of thought via osmosis in the most bizarre case of parallel thinking of all time. Whether or not his musings on the Lakers, living in North Dakota, Billy Joel fandom, blaming John Cusak for setting unrealistic relationship expectations, or overusing the word ‘ANYWAY’ are creations of his own mind, it’s undeniable that he and his kindred spirit Chuck are very, very annoying.

Photo by Rich Fleischman.

New Order Fan Bummed Her Current Love Triangle Is Actually Pretty Mundane

Posted on by John Danek

MANCHESTER — New wave obsessive and romantic introvert Jana Chapman is disappointed to find herself in a love triangle that no one could possibly consider “bizarre,” embarrassed friends reported.

“I’ve asked three different people and they have confirmed my worst fear: my current love triangle is as boring and conventional as they come,” admitted a crestfallen Chapman, whose commitment to ‘80s fashion and music has caused loved ones some degree of worry. “I’m in love with my office mate, and the IT guy is very clearly into me in a big way. I thought becoming a mid-level manager would be way more erotic. This love triangle is boring as hell and hardly worth singing about over synth baselines and ancient drum machines. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Those close to Chapman recount the peculiar ways in which she is easily excited by situations similar to those described in new wave and post-punk songs.

“Last summer she was utterly obsessed with ‘The Lovecats’ by The Cure, but not because she had a summer fling, she just heard two cats loudly fighting and fucking outside her window,” recalled Paul Grant, whose ‘80s phase ended appropriately at age 20. “And don’t even get me started on her ‘Sunglasses at Night’ phase. She tumbled down the stairs four times before giving it a rest. But New Order will always be her #1. I have to block her phone every Monday just to avoid ‘blue’ puns.”

Bernard Sumner, iconic frontman of New Order and member of Joy Division, stressed the strange nature of his first love triangle which inspired the iconic track.

“I was in love with an ex-felon who mugged my mate, and she was in love with an elderly man she met at a bus stop–now that was goddamn bizarre. Of course I had to write a song about that,” said Sumner, whose recent hobbies include creating burner Reddit accounts to talk shit on Peter Hook. “But ever since that romantic struggle, the rest have been utterly mundane and not particularly inspiring. Our pool boy loves my wife, who loves me. I dare you to try to come up with catchy lyrics for that.”

As of press time, Chapman is reportedly further disheartened, as subordinates claim that in no way can her management style be described with the phrase “Power, Corruption, & Lies.”

Six Songs We’re Listening to This Week While Canceling All Our Boeing Flights

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Another week, another abbreviated introductory paragraph. You know what you’re here for, get on down and listen to our staff picks.

Full of Hell “Transmuting Chemical Burns”

The Ocean City Devils are back with another brutally good grindcore-adjacent release. “Transmuting Chemical Burns” brings Full of Hell’s signature sonic mix to the forefront, alternating gritty screams and your more classic Cookie Monster vocals. Even though the track is short (well, long for grind) it makes hell of an impression with the driving tom-heavy drums for maximum thrashing. Wear your protective gear in the pit for this one.

Justice “The End (feat. Thundercat)”

Gods of the French Touch movement Justice have struck gold again with their recent release “Hyperdrama,” an album chock-full of excellent collaborators and already iconic dance numbers (and for some reason a music video of robots fucking, but we’ll let you Google that one yourselves). “The End” closes things out on a reflective and slightly somber note, complete with lyrics and vocals by everyone’s favorite “bass wizard” Thundercat. Play this track while driving out of a dystopian nightmare city as it burns in your rearview.

Mdou Moctar “Funeral for Justice”

Nigerian desert blues quartet Mdou Moctar is absolutely crushing it in the indie festival circuits lately, and the title track off of their newest album “Funeral for Justice” makes it instantly clear why. The album starts things off strong with a funky syncopated and almost mathy guitar riff over super catchy gang vocals, and a locked-in groove meant for dancing. We actually recommend listening to the record in full for a look into an album of the year contender. No pithy commentary here, just good, politically interesting and relevant music.

Umbra Vitae “Velvet Black”

Umbra Vitae is, technically speaking, a metal supergroup, which is a concept we kind of hadn’t thought about much, but considering members of Converge, Hatebreed, Red Chord, and Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats are present, we really should have. Their recent single “Velvet Black” is a sludgy, growly track reminiscent of Type O Negative with a little extra death-doom oomph, if that makes sense, and boy, does it deliver. We’re looking forward to making an FMV with this track for a really terrible 2000s vampire movie.

Mount Kimbie “Empty and Silent (feat. King Krule)”

London’s newly-minted quartet Mount Kimbie took a hard turn into indie rock from their previous electronic work, and the change is so completely seamless you’d have thought they’d always sounded this way. “Empty and Silent” has a dreamy, kind of wistful quality reminiscent of Sonic Youth’s chiller tracks, perfect for an early morning tube ride or a quietly depressing smoke break. King Krule’s disaffected baritone certainly adds to the overwhelming Britishness of it all, and that’s a good thing, for once.

Planet Booty “SXFNK”

In case you need to take a quick break from listening to the same three niche sub-genres all day, look no further than the Bay Area’s soul funk machines Planet Booty. Their first single in two years is so relentlessly, deliciously horny (including an actual horn section) that you might have to excuse yourself from your desk to head to the restroom to “appreciate” it in full. “SXFNK” sounds like if Zapp and Tower of Power did a ton of blow, wrote this song, and then had an orgy afterwards. We’re happy to just watch, if they’re cool with that.

 

You are now required by law in most states to save our playlist on Spotify. Be a good citizen for once and oblige.

How to Boycott a Company By Talking About How Bad It Is and That’s It

Posted on by Malia Simon

So your favorite company did something ethically wrong and you want to start a boycott. Congratulations! A lot of people are under the impression that “boycotting” has to involve crazy radical actions like not giving the company any more of your money or not shopping there even when they have cool new stuff you want. Those people are wrong, and you would never be able to stick to an actual boycott for more than three hours anyway. Here is how you can look progressive on social media while doing nothing in real life.

Talk about how bad the company is

The first and only step to boycotting a company is—you guessed it—telling everyone it’s bad. A lot of people claim actions speak louder than words, but those people have clearly never berated their family for ordering from Starbucks before helping themselves to one of their four classic breakfast sandwiches (ordered off of Doordash of course). While you are not making a difference in the world, you are emotionally wearing down your parents, which feels—and tastes—ten times better.

Look up a list of bad companies and boycott the ones you already don’t go to

Fuck you and your business practices, Sodastream. Just for that, we will not be ordering any more countertop seltzer makers. That’s right, we’re completely done with grapefruit flavored sparkling water flavoring drops. You’ll get your hands on our money once you divest from genocide, or once you start making the flavoring drops in better flavors like cherry or lemon-lime, which we have kindly suggested to you in the “Contact Us” form on more than one occasion.

Police Teenage TikTokers about shopping from the company

Why take action yourself when you can kick the burden to TikTok teens who have recently come into internet fame and fear losing public approval more than death itself? The future is in the hands of our generation, and by our generation, we mean internet personas teetering on the edge of cancellation. There is nothing like commenting “Congratulations on funding Bezos’ sweatshop” and watching the apology video roll in while bumping your Amazon music-powered 100ft LED light strips.

Comment vague threats on the company’s Instagram page (which you still follow)

“Hey Papa John’s. You better sleep with one eye open.” Do we even remember what they did wrong? No, but that’s not what’s important here. The important thing is that everyone knows you are willing to do anything it takes to send the company a message—anything but stop hosting your birthday parties there.

Stop going there. Unless you really want to

Of course you are technically allowed to stop buying from the company during your boycott, but we realize there are circumstances that make this step almost impossible—for instance, if they have literally anything you want or even if you’re just tired or bored. Fuck it, maybe go there even more than you did before your boycott. After all, something about the forbiddenness makes Chevron gas even more appealing. Remember you’ve already made a bunch of people you know dread hanging out with you, which was the main objective here.

Only buy from them when there’s a sale

If you insist on doing something, just shop during sale time we guess. Buying something 30% off feels almost like your shoplifting, which puts you in the ranks of all your favorite civic disobedience heroes. You’ll be able to walk out of the store with your head held high knowing that, while you didn’t actually manage to hold to the political positions you aggressively preach, you did get a bunch of new stuff. And at the end of the day, while other people have their moral belief systems to cling to, you have a bunch of fucking stuff. Who’s the real winner here? Last I checked, moral belief systems can’t sync pulsating color-changing lights up to the bass of your music.

Man Whose “Life Is a Movie” Unaware It’s a Documentary About a Loser

Posted on by Traye Holland

SUN PRAIRIE, Wis. — Overconfident white guy Randall Weiss, who frequently proclaims his “life is a movie,” is reportedly ignorant to the fact that said movie is a documentary about a total dud, sources shaking their damn heads confirmed.

“Bro, I’m telling you, sometimes I feel like I’m the main character in a majorly epicsauce story,” said Weiss, apparently unaware of that the director of the upcoming doc “No Friends, No Future, No Freakin’ Clue” was making the “keep rolling” motion with her finger. “Every single night I’m grabbing life by the cajones, because all I do is win! I got a sick-ass part-time job at a pet store, 6 hot as hell ex-wives, and an allergy to most forms of gluten – let’s do this! Everybody hates me ‘cause they ain’t me! Oh, I say that one a lot too… Now, watch me dazzle these fine, fine, FOINE chicas over at the bar with my Napoleon Dynamite impression…”

Filmmaker Jessica Salarini is consistently impressed and sickened by her documentary subject’s heroic lack of self-awareness.

“I hate to toot my own horn like this, but I couldn’t have cast this movie any more perfectly. Randall moves through life with such He’s like Mr. Bean if he went around quoting ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ all the time. And quoting it wrong, at that! All I have to do is point a camera at him and he says something so cringe-worthy that Tim Heidecker would be taking notes,” said Salarini, while she edited a montage of Weiss being terrible to various restaurant workers set to “Puttin’ On The Ritz.” “It’s just a shame that filming is coming to an end soon, and I’ll have to get a restraining order put on him just in case. If he calls me ‘mamacita,’ I swear I’ll have him killed.”

Representatives from the Sundance Film Festival are looking forward to the documentary’s inclusion in this year’s proceedings.

“From the early buzz we’ve heard, we expect ‘No Friends, No Future, No Freakin’ Clue’ to join the ranks of ‘American Movie’ and ‘The King of Kong’ in terms of documentaries with ‘guys you’ve gotta get a load of,’ so to say we’re merely excited is a considerable understatement,” said Sundance Head of Programming Eugene Hernandez. “Ms. Salarini should ready her mantle for a plethora of trophies and commendations, which we’ll take the opportunities to fill with mace in case she ever gets hit on by her documentary subject. On that note, we do hope we aren’t required to invite Mr. Weiss to the festival, as we’ve heard his hygiene is sensationally questionable. Man, we can’t wait to watch this flick!”

At press time, Sundance officially deemed the first cut of the documentary “far, far too sad for release.”

Photo by Jeff Owens.

Opinion: “Caress Me Down” Taught Me More Applicable Spanish Than Duolingo

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Hola. Mucho gusto. That means “Hi, pleased to meet you.” Did I learn that from your little fucking owl? ¡No! (That means “No!”). I learned it from one Bradley Nowell. Let me break it down for you, hermana.

All your friends are posting about their Duolingo streaks, but is anyone actually learning anything? No one is talking about the time-tested importance of using a new language in everyday life situations, like when you listen to songs about sucking and fucking by Southern California ska punk band Sublime. They say “use it or lose it” and that means getting off that little app and belting “tenemos un bebe!” in your kitchen while you fuck up the stir fry. It’s true that Duolingo has tratar de improve things by adding a “speak” component, but we all learned from our little ADHD coping packets that putting things to music will help you remember, and that’s why I’ll always know how to say “the thing I like most, is pussy.”

Has Duolingo managed to teach me some things? Sure. Now I know how to say that Marcus lives with his girlfriend in Paris and works in London, but who the fuck do I know that can afford all that back and forth travel? No, I’m much more likely to know people who evade attempted murder and escape to Costa Rica on stolen cash. It has also taught me a great deal about how to ask for sweaters in various colors, but typically I like to speak with as few people as possible while shopping. I’m more of a “tienes que bailar” kinda gal, sabes?

Now, there are some limitations to this method. Like, I accidentally told my friend’s abuela to hand me her panties. And I might have told a business associate that I was their daddy. But any teaching method will require fine-tuning and adjustment periods. And the truth of the matter is, that stupid owl just can’t compete with sick beats.

My suggestion is that the avian overlord get with the times and learn to accept and grow from its limitations. I think they could stand to make a great deal of money from partnering with popular bands and releasing educational, multi-language music about canceled porn stars.

BOSS Finally Releases Pedal That Makes Guitar Sound Like “Jack Black Impersonating a Guitar Solo”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

HAMAMATSU, Japan — Pedal manufacturer BOSS announced that they will finally be releasing a pedal that sounds like Jack Black scatting a very dope guitar solo, sources confirmed with a little “squir-dit-dilly-derr.”

“For one thing, I know BOSS is relieved to stop getting constant messages about inventing a pedal that could recreate the specific sound Jack Black makes when he is impersonating a guitar riff, that’s for sure. Hundreds of emails and letters pour in every day begging for a stompbox to make a guitar sound like a ‘School of Rock’ outtake,” said ex-BOSS President Yoshi Ikegami, who still consults. “Or they’ve just rewatched ‘High Fidelity’ for the umpteenth time, and have Black’s character’s noodlings stuck in their head. We had no choice but to have our team work on the schematics day and night, starting around 1999. Who knows what Hendrix would have done with this technology?”

The pedal’s inspiration, comic actor Jack Black, was more than happy to take part in the design process.

“It was a little bit of a doozy to record all my ‘’squeedily dees’ and ‘hrood doot doos’ and even the ever-so-rare ‘ferd-dee-durtle-durts’ in every possible key, but if I’m gonna do something, I’m gonna come correct. Glad to be part of rock history once again, and this time I don’t have to wear a little schoolboy’s uniform, which is a plus,” said Black while waving to a throng of well-deserved fans every few minutes. “Hell, I might just buy one myself, methinks. I’ve been playing in the D with Kage for a long time now, and it will be good to rest the ol’ piperoonies for once and just let my guitar do the squawking, so to speak.”

Representatives from the world-renowned Nobel Peace Prize committee agreed the invention could be a boon to mankind.

“We tend to typically only give out awards for the fields of physics, chemistry, physiology, medicine, literature, etc., but this year, we argue that the BOSS ‘Black Beauty’ could be beneficial to all of those mediums and more. Now that we have a guitar pedal that makes Jack Black ramblings, there’s really nothing left on the ‘seemingly impossible task’ docket to do but to solve climate change and cure cancer” lauded Nobel Prize committee member Anne Enger. “It’s inspired hope within us and our community, and we can feel all the good on the horizon now that the good people at BOSS have blessed us with this long-awaited miracle.”

Not to be outdone, ElectroHarmonix is fast-tracking a “Kyle Gass” pedal that mostly causes the player to get constantly mistaken for Andy Richter.

Quick Reminder That If Your New Song Doesn’t Outperform Your Last One, Then It’s Garbage And You’re Trending Towards Irrelevancy

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Hey there! I see that you’re about to release a new track, so I thought I’d offer some words of wisdom. Your last song did pretty good numbers-wise, so I bet you’d like this new song to get even more streams, so your career really starts to snowball. Well, I’m here to remind you that it fucking better! Because, if not, you, me, your fans, and the whole of the music industry will all know that your new shit is utter trash and your best days are now behind you.

Your career would basically be like a rollercoaster dropping way too soon. And that’s probably what you’d be remembered as… A now-limp rollercoaster with premature ejaculation. Forever too. Because the number of streams beside your track never goes away. Your fans would see that you fell short right away, but for generations to come, anyone who searches your catalog would know exactly where it all went wrong.

Linear growth is the only way to survive in this business. It’s impossible to come back from a “sophomore slump” because when any new music drops, everyone will be like, “Wait, don’t they suck now?” And they’d be right. Because, yes, you were good. But you suck now. It’s a lot like love from a parent. If you’re good one day, they love you. If you’re bad, you need to work your ass off to get their love back.

The worst part is that this new song can be objectively better than your last one. You’re a bit older, wiser, and more seasoned now, so you’re definitely trending in the right direction talent-wise. It’s just too bad that the numbers don’t account for talent and growth. Your peer group and most loyal fans might appreciate that shit, but if it’s not a commercial success, that’ll all just feel like some participation ribbon.

See, it’s this kind of fear that keeps me from releasing any music of my own. I have 12 tracks ready to drop, but I just keep mulling over which order to release them in, since each one will have to outdo the last. I also don’t want to start with the worst song, since I really want my first release to be a critical and commercial success. This kind of indecision can really eat you alive. And since love is results-based, I’m basically governed by the fear of rejection.

You know what? Props to you for having the balls to leave yourself vulnerable to the numbers. It’s commendable. But man you must be shitting your pants right now! Sitting there, finger on the trigger, knowing that the whole world is watching, and wondering if releasing this one track will end your entire career!

Alpha Male Has Nervous Breakdown Attempting To Eat A Banana In Straightest Way Possible

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Self-proclaimed alpha male, Jared Andrews, suffered a nervous breakdown last week when attempting to eat a banana without looking “gay,” authorities reported.

“It took a lot of effort to eat that banana without looking like a blow job wizard,” Andrews said while lifting weights and pounding a protein shake at his local gym. “No one understands how difficult it is for straight men. I can’t even eat a banana in public without people assuming I’m on Grindr with a username like ‘Throatgoatbabyboy.’ I tried eating the banana bit by bit, but that seemed stupid. Then I tried eating it with a fork, but that felt too fancy. I started sweating and hyperventilating so I decided to eat it like a monkey—I gripped it with two hands and shoved it down my throat. I gagged so hard, which obviously made things worse. The whole thing stressed me out so bad I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the Hobby Lobby parking lot.”

Maddy Riviera, the woman Andrews is dating, says his obsession with the banana makes her think he might actually be gay.

“I’m not sure why he thinks eating it a certain way is going to determine his sexual orientation,” Riviera said. “I pointed out how the fact he thinks it’s gross to have sex with me and how he never misses an episode of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ is probably more of an indicator than the banana thing. Normally you have to like other men to be gay, but if you think eating a banana would determine that, you might be aching for the D. Anyway, I recommended he see my therapist to help him work through some of those big feelings.”

Therapist and counselor Dr. Ken Brand told us that Andrews refuses to show up to his appointments.

“Mr. Andrews has called my office several times requesting appointments, but then quickly cancels them,” Dr. Brand said. “He insists that he can’t follow through on attending a session for fear of ‘crying in front of another man,’ which he says is, ‘such a pussy move.’ But, we see this behavior in many individuals dealing with a deep repression. For example, our male patients worry that being kind to women, using a straw, and even wiping after defecating will make them seem interested in other men. It’s quite a problem. Judging by the fact that Mr. Andrews is worried about being perceived as gay every time he eats a banana, I can only assume that he is repressing homoerotic impulses, or in layman’s terms, has an unconscious but fiery desire to enjoy it in the butt.”

Andrews suffered another nervous breakdown after our interview when he used face moisturizer with SPF, which he described as “super gay on so many levels.”